Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Beseechingly Yours


Dear Powers That Be:

I am, once again, submitting my request for more hours in the day. As you may know, I have made this request before, but still find that there are only twenty-four. What's more, I waste five or six of those hours with sleep. This is not working for me.

If you are concerned that I will only fritter away my extra hours in front of the computer, you are wrong. I promise that I will keep a clean house, children well fed with nutritious wholesome meals and my husband well sated. Please note that since you've ignored my previous request, those are the things getting short shrift right now.

I don't mean to sound peevish and threatening, but I find your complete disregard for my need to be beyond the pale. Don't I do enough for you? I toe the line, mind my p's and q's and cover all those bases. I step daintily over cracks so as not to break my mother's back, never count my chickens before they hatch and rarely do I jump to conclusions. I follow the leader, only go when Simon says and always put the Mississippi between my numbers when it's my turn to be "it." I refrain from crossing my eyes so they don't stick like that, never stick my tongue to frozen metal poles and always cover my nose when I sneeze. I eschew tempting the fates, have never jumped the shark and have stayed away from anything remotely resembling ill-repute.

All I am asking for is a couple more hours! Really - what is the problem? I cannot be wife, mommy, employee, counselor, cook, maid, chauffeur, laundress, Zephyr the Dominatrix, decision-maker, coach, consultant, nail-clipper, band member, blogger and friend without a little more time in which to get these things done. I mean, you do want them done well, don't you?

And since you don't seem terribly quick to grant my other request (you know, the one about entitled birthright and a large, more than adequately talented staff and piles of money), the least you can do is slide me an extra hour or six so that I can do all the have to stuff and still have a little fun.

It's either that, or I start breaking all the rules. You know me. I'll do it. I won't exercise enough or eat right. I'll skimp on sleep, curse, drive too fast, scream obscenties at old ladies, teach my children the finer points of graft and obstruction, kick small animals, cough into those get-it-yourself pastry cases, stop flushing, upend public trashcans, smoke in non-smoking areas, ignore the safety presentation on airplanes, scratch inappropriately during staff meetings, not silence my cell phone in the movie theater and always use my OUTSIDE VOICE.

So? What's it going to be? (Looks at clock that reads 11:54 p.m.)

Yeah, I thought so. Now it's 12:01 a.m. and nothing has changed except now that blasted alarm is going to go off even earlier.

You, The Powers That Be, are cruel sticklers for time.

Peevishly,

Lisa

21 comments:

  1. I go to bed early, get up at 3am and laugh at the powers that be because I've beaten them :)

    I know. I just feel better though. Really.

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  2. I'm with you on this one. It seems to me the day ought to be 28-30 hours long. My natural rhythm would have me sleeping about 12 hours a day (including a midday nap) and awake for about 16-18 hours. 24 hours just doesn't cut it. Please add my name to your petition for a longer day.

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  3. Here, here. We need more time for play, I say, and less time for work.

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  4. More hours or M can take on another wife so she can do all the chores and errand running. I've suggested and he just laughed. LOL There just isn't enough time to do all the things I want to do in a day. And I don't even have small children. Now if I didn't have to work or sleep...

    Have a fun Wednesday. The snow is melting and I am driving today!

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  5. I can't believe you left out the terrible threat of burping. I'm sure that'll work.

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  6. Left to our own devices, most people would operate on a 25 or 26 hour day. But when you have time commitments like work (that dirty four letter word ending in 'K') or getting the Spawn off to school because those types of things insist on doing things at the same time every day, it's not possible. All you can do is go with the flow and what gets done, gets done and what doesn't will have to wait for another day or week.

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  7. take care of yourself first. You can't hope to do any of the rest of it if you aren't at least at the medium of your game. (The top is maybe too much to hope for sometimes?)

    Now, if I could only take my own good advice.

    Since I can't, I'm signing onto the petition.

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  8. I've been asking to be taller for like 30 years. I think we both need to give it up and just take a nap.

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  9. More time, as long as we get to spend it the way we want to. More time but it has to be spent at work or with in-laws or something of the sort would just be cruel.

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  10. I've been enjoying slackitude since my youngest went off to college. I could use more time for slacking but I have a feeling that my request would not be granted.

    In a just world, however, you would qualify for at least an extra six hours.

    :-)

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  11. I'm here from Fran's blog...I love this letter! I wish it worked; sadly, I think about this at least once a day and promise the same things (in vain, ,ost likely.) :)

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  12. I was already chuckling loudly by the time the OUTSIDE VOICE bit made me lose it.

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  13. More time sounds good on the surface but the time vampires will find a way to suck the extra time from you. I propose or re-iterate that off the grid thing from a while back.

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  14. Love that version of "rainbow". I'm glad you did have kermit singing about rainbows.

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  15. Add my name to the letter.

    Oh, and I request a new spine, someone to do *something* about the design flaw that is 'sinuses' and to install a buzzer-type shocking device on all children at birth so when they don't do what they're told to do, parents can simply press a button and shock the crap out of them until they do it. It should dissolve at age 18, though.

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  16. ...I think "Zephyr" was Ang's old stage name....

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  17. It seems to me you have covered all the bases, and therefore are entitled to have your request granted. If you ever do get it, let me know, I could sure use a few extra myself.

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  18. I love your request and see no reason you shouldn't be granted it.

    I usually skimp on sleep to make up for my lack of time. Last night I went to bed early and slept 10 hours! Felt great! But was later than usual to work! Something always has to give.

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  19. In one of her books, the artist/writer SARK says that occasionally we can ask for (and receive) time stretchers or time shrinkers.

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And then you say....

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