Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Adventures in Real Parenting: Porn Patrol


It's still Lisa Versus The Leaves here, but I had this scheduled to post today so here's what it was like around here in 2008 (From PoliTits)

About a year or so ago, MathMan figured out that Nate might be checking out some naked boobie pictures on the internets.

After a long conversation about what adolescence would have been like if we'd had access to internet porn, we decided that it would be best if we password protected the computer so that Nate couldn't use it without our knowledge. Especially when his friends were over at the house and we weren't home.

This worked just fine, as far as we know. We're not naive enough to think that he isn't sneaking peeks when he gets a chance, but at least he doesn't have unfettered access to the internet. The computer resides in full view in the dining room. Looking at internet nudidity would be just about as easy as it would be to hide porn mags under his mattress.

As far as I know, he doesn't even realize that the mattress and box spring aren't attached. This kid rolls out of bed and into the shower and his bed is magically made by a grouchy, braless elf in bleach stained yoga pants, a Stanley Kowalski tank and black moccassin slippers, worn sometimes, on the wrong feet. If that elf isn't sporting coffee breath, she's usually cursing under her breath and plotting her escape from motherhood.

Anyway.

Lately, Nate has been asking for someone to come to the computer and type in the password at the most inconvenient times. His pleas interrupt Sophia (she has the password since she's not into porn, yet) who's required to briefly stop breathing through her mouth in front of Family Guy or Hannah Montana (yes, she is the epitome of all the mistakes a parent can make in 2008) and lumber over to the computer to help her brother out.

This displeases her terribly. Loudness ensues. Cats scatter.

When she's not around to be pestered for assistance, Nate comes looking for me or MathMan. Sometimes we get a little cross with him because he tends to ask for help when we're in the middle of something else. According to him, we're always in the middle of something. He's right. It's part of our whole benign neglect parenting concept. We're considering a how-to book on it. Our working title is "Why Do I Smell Smoke?"

The other day, I'd had enough. Let's show him that we trust him and, more importantly, let's fix it so he's not bugging me in the middle of a blog post or prepping supper or having a quiet alone moment in the reading room.

I gave him the password.

Briefly, though, I worried that I'd just handed him the keys to the Golden Palace of the Himalayas with categories for bukkake, fisting, anal and fetish. It's really the fetish that worries me.


I thought about how to discourage him from seeking out porn. Then it hit me.

"Dude," I said to him. "Now that you have the password, you must use the computer wisely. No porn, okay? Because there are a whole bunch of pictures of me in compromising positions floating around the internet and you do NOT want to see that."

I understand the hysterical blindness is temporary and he's expected to enjoy a full recovery....

And now I have to go back outside and blow the leaves. What kind of mischief are you up to today?

36 comments:

  1. You are the most diabolical mother ever. ;o)

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  2. and his bed is magically made by a grouchy, braless elf in bleach stained yoga pants, a Stanley Kowalski tank and black moccassin slippers, worn sometimes, on the wrong feet.

    HILARIOUS.

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  3. A classic, definitely worth the repost.

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  4. Love this. I actually prefer my teen to view porn on the internet rather than stealing it from the magazine rack at the local drugstore, as I did. As long as my credit card number isn't involved, it's all good.

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  5. Nicely played Lisa, nicely played.

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  6. Hahaha.

    Did he know the whole time that he was the only one without the password because of porn concerns? That seems kind of embarrassing...unless he just assumed you guys were too lame to figure it out. (Guess he was just proved wrong!)

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  7. There is a hierarchy with the fetish porn, and what you should MOST be concerned about is a genre known as Clown Porn. Don't ask how I know about this, just suffice it to say that I will never, ever go to the circus again.

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  8. What exactly IS porn? Because I think war and violence is porn. And anything said by right wingers, especially the talk head variety, is definitely porn.

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  9. You've been making me laugh for a long time :-)

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  10. You've been making me laugh for a long time :-)

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  11. Great job Lisa! I remember when I found out my son (now 25) was sneaking my Playboy's to look at (yes, I read them for the articles.) While my wife was mortified, my gut reaction was "Yes, that's my boy!" Of course, I've had to clean his computer since then for viruses. I wonder where he got those from?

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  12. I actually remember reading this the first time!

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  13. This porn action is very high on my worry radar. Violent porn is my big concern but fetish is up there too. Keeping an eye on it gets complicated when grandma gives the 12 yr olds a laptop.

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  14. Lisa,
    You are now and forever my go to on all things raising boys.

    I cannot overstate, that was brilliant.

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  15. omiGOD! I am totally using this one when my son gets older. Bravo, Lisa!

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  16. What kind of mischief are you up to today?

    Well now that you've tipped me off, I'm going to be surfing the web, looking up just what bukkake, fisting, anal and fetish are!

    *Says Mountjoy, paragon of virtue, and pure as the driven snow...*

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  17. Okay, Thomas. I am now trying to figure out how to get the mental pictures related to "Clown Porn" out of my head.

    You'll be paying for my therapist.

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  18. oh your poor boy--to have this posted once was probably enough to keep him away from the web. but TWICE!? good lord.

    funny funny funny stuff...for me, worth whatever sexual-psycho damage your poor son has had to suffer. (just kidding, nate)

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  19. Dr. MVM - Diabolical. I like that.
    Ann - It's still true, but the yoga pants are now sweats. Super!
    Brave Sir Robin - :-D
    Nan - You remembered! Thanks.
    Deborah - You're my kind of mom.
    Randal - Not where you are. Your guvner thinks it's an idiot.
    Mommy L - thank you so much
    Laura - If memory serves, we gave him some line about it being because he had his friends over a lot when we weren't home so it was to keep all of us out of trouble with the other parents of those kids who would force him to look at porn at our house.
    MLight - Yes, but for how long?
    Thomas!!! Clown porn. Hang on a second, I'll be right back.................................................................................... Oh.
    Bill - if you're equating porn with filth, then I concur.
    susan - Fingers crossed, the laughs will go on.
    Latka - Those viruses came from downloading music. I'm sure of it.
    CDP - I kept waiting for you to read the previous post and tell me to get down off the cross.
    yogurt - We definitely have to worry about a different strain of stuff than our parents did.
    Lyra - Thanks! But are you sure?
    LoriDyan - It was effective for a while.
    Mountjoy - No!!! Now I'm back to being that bad influence. Damn it.
    Renn - Me, too. Yikes.
    averil - Because you're a much nicer, much more subtle mother.
    amyg - thankfully he doesn't read the blog. I don't think he does. I mean, he's still speaking to me.
    MSB - Thanks. I like being wicked and diabolical.
    Barbara - Thanks!

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  20. Worst Day Ever = walking into my son's bedroom without knocking, only to catch him "red handed" looking at porn.

    I will NEVER be the same after that - and I don't think HE will, either.

    *shudder*

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  21. Still a hoot second time 'round, Young Lady.   :)

    And for what it's worth, while this is wonderfully written, I do believe your present writing shows a good deal of growth beyond what we used to love so dearly.

    You should consider writing a book...

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  22. Oh Oh Oh this made me howl. Brilliant. Mother f-ing genius.

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  23. My sons are young teens now, so I have thought about this. I had to make myself realize that I myself wouldn't have done anything particularly bad if I had had such easy viewing available to me. I still would have grown up to be a fine, responsible adult, so I am not deadset against it. I won't hand it to them or suggest they seek it out, but...

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  24. I remember reading this the first time. Loved it then, love it now. This post is why you should write a book about parenting.

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  25. I really wish I had thought of using that line for my boys. It's not too late though. They are headed to college and we all know what goes on there. I have started to realize it's a fact of life but I worry that they will stumble upon the young stuff and then be jailed and labeled. I'm truly going to tell him I have pictures out there and remind him how screwed up our family is and that his grandma has started posting pics of herself recently to make supplemental income.

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  26. Looks like your son knew exactly how to press your buttons, by repeatedly asking for the password at inopportune times, so you would give up and give him the password.

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  27. This post made me not so scared to be a parent. You are awesome!

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  28. There are actually software titles that install and run superstitiously, giving you complete and unfettered access to every keystroke your teen, or anyone, makes on the computer. Many titles also do screen captures every X-seconds (a value you can configure) so you can also see what they see. Who's to say someone doesn't innocuously enter a web address but they fat-finger the keys and are taken to a land of enchantment and debauchery? This lets you see what they see and do so you can have some peace of mind as a parent.

    For anyone feeling it's an invasion of privacy, my counter would be (as a parent), ''As long as you're living under my roof...'' or, at the very least, the truth, ''There's an ugly world out there and I want to protect you from it as long as I can. If you're curious about sex and sexuality, I'll gladly explain everything to you in whatever fashion helps you to understand. But porn is strictly verboten.''

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  29. There are actually software titles that install and run superstitiously, giving you complete and unfettered access to every keystroke your teen, or anyone, makes on the computer. Many titles also do screen captures every X-seconds (a value you can configure) so you can also see what they see. Who's to say someone doesn't innocuously enter a web address but they fat-finger the keys and are taken to a land of enchantment and debauchery? This lets you see what they see and do so you can have some peace of mind as a parent.

    For anyone feeling it's an invasion of privacy, my counter would be (as a parent), ''As long as you're living under my roof...'' or, at the very least, the truth, ''There's an ugly world out there and I want to protect you from it as long as I can. If you're curious about sex and sexuality, I'll gladly explain everything to you in whatever fashion helps you to understand. But porn is strictly verboten.''

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And then you say....

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