Saturday, February 14, 2009


Usually, MathMan and I are way too cool to do anything for Valentine's Day. The day comes and goes and typically reflects two things:

(1) The general state of our relationship.
(2) The general state of our bank account.

So now that you know that, here are my PG-13 thoughts on this day of commercialized L-u-u-u-u-u-u-V. (R Rated thoughts are being sent subliminally - just keep an open mind.)

Dear Diary,

MathMan really does love me! His purchase of goods in my honor is all the proof I need. He may have gotten bupkis-plus* for his Valentine's gift, but he was smart enough to take me seriously the other day when , mid-meltdown (I'll regale with that tale later), I whined "No one treats me like I'm anything special!!!!" Because whining and melting down and pointing out just how special I am is so special.

So MathMan heeded that clarion call of for the love of god, she's going to lose it and run away from home again and did something incredibly sweet. He put together a gift bag stuffed with goodies and placed it next to my side of the bed last night. When I finally woke up in my desk chair in front of the computer around midnight and crawled down the hall and into bed, I saw that loving (if slightly frightened) gesture and squealed with delight.

People, it takes so little. Why do I not let someone who loves me be nice to me? I wonder if my childhood hobby of stuffing loose buttons and baby aspirin up my nose has anything to do with my dysfunctions.

I reached into the beautiful gift bag (Miss Healthypants - please don't tell Iwanski!) and pulled out the following items:

-A lovely card that said something really sweet that I'll just keep to myself.
-A tube of Watkins Lemon Cream Body Cream. It's amazing. I love the non-greasy feel, but the best thing is that it smells like the Lemon Girl Scout cookies taste. I put some on my hands before going to bed last night and I woke up from a dream about eating cookies to find that I was licking my hand.
-A small bottle of Watkins Lemon Body Oil. Perhaps I could use the body oil to give MathMan his non-commercial gift later. And if it leaves him smelling like lemon cookies.....
-A bag of plain M&Ms. This man knows me so well. Oh, sure fancy chocolates are an unrivaled delight, but when it comes to cravings, plain M&Ms almost always top the list.
-A universal camera tripod. What an awesome gift! But how am I supposed to use it as I drive about 75 miles per hour shooting photos?
-Raisin colored nail polish. MathMan has some definite ideas about what he likes, you know. That color will look smashing with the stripper dress that I can now fit in again.
- A tube of raisin colored Revlon Cream lipstick. And this is one of the brands without detectable levels of lead, so I suppose MathMan doesn't really want to kill me through slow poisoning, after all. I've wondered. You can't just dismiss that smell of almonds as nothing. And then there's his whole obsession with pushing peanut butter on me lately......

Here I am testing out my new gifts.

Hey, you two! Get a room!

And in case you think I've gone completely around the Oprah bend, I would like to point you toward something that made me laugh out loud in the library when I read it. In fact, I laughed loudly enough to get the stink eye from the guy sitting next to me who was wearing robin's egg blue nail polish. I mean, I think he was glaring all cockeyed because I was being noisy. Maybe he was just jealous of my hot new nail color......

Anyway, Comrade Kevin has some twisted ideas for how you might celebrate your Valentine's Day. I know it's too late now, but there's always next February 14th when it's likely that MathMan and I won't be speaking to each other, much less engaging in sweaty bupkis-plus.


  1. I can't tell Iwanski?? Really????

    Oh, well, we're both too drunk to talk, anyway, so it's all good. *hee hee*

  2. I'm glad to hear you spent the day in healthy pursuits.. or pursuing. There's nothing like that lemony fresh smell of a satisfied relationship.

  3. You guys are so cute when you're naughty! Ooo!

    Enjoy your Sunday!

  4. Good haul. Mathman went all out.

    I also thought some of Comrade Kevin's ideas might be a good start. {*grin*}

  5. MathMan scores bigtime! HAPPY Valentine's Day you two.

  6. happy valentine's day, lisa and your generous and sweet mathman....

  7. And to think I didn't get you anything. Nice going Mathman.

  8. "I put some on my hands before going to bed last night and I woke up from a dream about eating cookies to find that I was licking my hand."

    Where can I find this stuff? I have never put anything on my body that made me dream about food, let alone make me lick myself.

  9. That's great, glad you two crazy kids had a great Valentine's Day!

  10. I'm sorry, you two are just too deliciously cute together!!!

    I got my man nothing - he gave me flowers... which were delivered. I wish he had not spent the money, but I loved getting them.

  11. Or if you were a redneck, the smell would remind you of cheap (2/$1) packs of lemon sandwich cookies. Glad y'all had a good day.

    Ours featured the phrase, "Hospital morphine is a gateway drug."

  12. Hey Lisa, that color looks great! Happy Valentine's Day.

  13. I almost forgot. Do you think Miss Healthy Pants is still Drunk?

  14. Happy belated Valentine's Day! What a nice post that was.


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