Friday, April 10, 2009

Adventures in Real Parenting: Look at Me! My Pee Has No Color!

I think I may change The Dancer's blog name to Ed Begley, Jr. Junior. Over spring break, she's developed this really annoying habit of watching Planet Green and then attempting to impart the information to us boring us to tears and sharing her views on how unhealthy and unfriendly to the environment we, as a family, are. I guess it's better than the moody moping on the floor of blogging ops, but still.

Wanna know why an increase in pork consumption is bad for the environment or why we should eat more anchovies? How about the process for composting human waste? Nope? Neither did I. That didn't stop her from telling me as I slumped over the kitchen table and whined for MathMan to come rescue me from the onslaught of information.

Perhaps more worrisome is the fact that she's also developed a nerd crush on Bill Nye the Science Guy. And when you say Bill Nye the Science Guy at our house, you have to do the Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! from the theme song. Not that I have anything against science guys per se, but on top of all the other weird young adult angsty stuff we're suffering with The Dancer, the idea that she might run off with some guy with a super hot Bunsen Burner provides some cause for alarm. Outside of her short-lived drooling over Edward of Twilight fame, The Dancer is not one who crushes.

Before she turned all low-flow toilets and bamboo sheets on us, she could at least be coaxed to do some rather environmentally subversive things. Mind you, this had limits. Just as she was not prone to crushes, she was not much of a rule breaker. Even so, she had her fun moments.

For example, recently, she and I visited the the bottled water aisle of our local grocery store a few days ago. We were desperate for drink. We discussed the different types of water, which bottle shapes and colors we preferred, compared prices and perused the nutrition labels of the various bottles stacked on the shelves.

Skating right up to the edge of full tilt jocularity, we burst into giggles after misquoting the bit by comedian Lewis Black thinking it was New Jersey instead of Pittsburgh, then, upon looking at the next bottle I picked up, found that it was, indeed, distributed from New Jersey.

Half loopy from the hilarity, we left with several bottles of melted glaciers, tears of angels, ionically separated, and organically filtered spring, artesian, mineral and purifed waters so that we could do a "taste test."

The good news is that we can reuse some of those really nice bottles. However, The Dancer cautions that they cannot be washed in the dishwasher. So we will reuse. That's a good thing.

The bad news is that the waters have not lived up to their promises. I have not turned into the tall, blond, cool-eyed Nordic goddess I expected to be. Imagine my astonished disappointment. I mean, if I can't believe in the transformative powers of melted glaciers, why the hell should I care about climate change?

When Ed Begley, Jr. Junior finds out that I wrote that, there's going to be a fight. Bring it on, I say. Bring. It. On.*

*I'll get her with my high fructose corn syrup gun. That'll teach her.


  1. You look blonde to me. What did you two put in my bottle or did I wash it in the dishwasher one too many times?

  2. melted glaciers & tears of angels.....classic.

  3.'s funny that the same people who used a bottle of water as a fashion statement are the same people who are now saying it is not green to drink bottled water.

    I wish they would make up their minds...haha


  4. That is the most beautiful photo of you and the Dancer. You are both beautiful goddesses.

    I happen to love her new nerdiness about the environment. I want to know how to compost dog shit.

  5. That is a great picture. I was buying bottled water.. then decided enough.. and bought a filter for my faucet. It works very well.. takes the bleach smell and taste right out. Lots less expensive too.

  6. I have a man crush on Bill Nye the science guy.

  7. Well done!
    Sometimes I buy a pricey bottle of Canadian Music glacier water and I lose patience waiting for it to get cold so I add dusty ice cubes from my underused freezer.

  8. I agree with Utah Savage on everthing except the dog crap. I fling that into the neighbor's yard for recycling.

  9. I drink bottled water. If you haven't tried Bakers-friggin-field's tap water, don't bitch at me for it.
    Plus Cali, in some spots, is doing the toilet to tap thing..ewwwwwwww!

    We also recycle all our plastic fact we recycle everything that we can..much to the chagrin of the ball n' Chain, who has to take it all to the recyclers. ;)

  10. I know from experience that you don't want to set your Bunsen Burner above "Scalding." If you set it to "Super Hot" you are just asking for trouble. (And tell your daughter to wear safety goggles!)

  11. You GET that Ed Begley Jr and give 'im one for me...

  12. When you said you were "going green" I thought you had eaten some bad peanut butter or something.

  13. That picture of you and your daughter is lovely.

    See, my kids are too self-absorbed to go green. That and they both love bacon too much.

  14. I hope you know that the internets runs on electricity so you just killed another tree and probably a baby deer with this post. Happy?

  15. I have a coworker that actually watches people at meetings dispose of paper towels, etc.--so she can comment later about how she noticed we didn't recycle it.

    Yeah, that's not annoying at all.

  16. After my son began a "recycling" process here at the house, I think I have more of a mess, just stockpiling everything in specific areas. The local recycling centers are asking people to halt some of their drop offs because there is not enough financial benefit to these companies to continue. Ruh roh - I will have to figure out how to add an addition to my house with the plastic bottles, aluminum cans, cardboard and paper!!

  17. I love that photo!!!

    And BTW, skip the water and stick with vodka, that's what I'm doing.

  18. I have been trying to comment on your blog for the past 20 minutes. TWENTY-MINUTES, Lisa Golden. I had to download a new browser. And let me tell you something, missy, you are WORTH the download and more.

    I think the idea of being slightly enviornmentally subervsive will live in my heart forever, as will the water episode between you goils at the GroSto.

    Love this post.

  19. I don't buy bottled water all that often (usually if I've been out putting mileage on the feet without having had coolant--that can cause trouble), but eventually the bottles get recycled one way or the other. The problem is stuff in the in-between states. Like empty cans of Comet.

    And Happy Pesach to you too!

  20. I love the picture of you and your daughter.

    I'm rather proud that your daughter has a crush on Bill Nye the Science Guy. He's had a rather bad track record with women; a beautiful young woman crushing on him is nice.

    [My daughter recently had a long term crush on Tim Allen. I think The Dancer has better taste.]

  21. very sweet picture :-)

    The very idea of putting water in bottle to sell it to people amazes me. Will we be buying bags of air next? Oh yes, we already do.. they're called balloons.

  22. I know...we do the h2o thing because of the portability thing, but otherwise we drink tap h20.
    We need to get a filter for our tap-that would be a good thing.
    I wish they would recycle more than the plastics around here-curbside.

  23. We pile up the used water bottles around here because we have radium in the water. Home filters don't remove it. I don't want to glow in the dark, and I certainly don't want my parrot to glow either. He drinks the most water by body weight in our house.

    Tell EBJJ that she is raising the CO2 level when she gets insufferable. That'll put her in a quandary!

  24. Never mind the bottled water if you can get them to turn off the TV and the lights you're doing good.

  25. Any girl who loves BNSG can't be all bad! ;-)


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