Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Send in the Clowns........

A long time ago, when Darling Sis and I would try to slink away unnoticed from the dinner table to race down the hall and slam our bedroom door, locking out our little brother so we could play Barbies in peace, it never occurred to us that he would grow up to carry a gun for a living.

Had we known, we might have been more kind to his destructive, hair-pulling little boy self. Instead, we minced our precious plastic feminine icons around the elaborate homes we'd designed for them using a mishmash of Barbie specific items and things gleaned from our mother's vanity table.

Remember the Barbie Dream Home? It came with that plastic bed that always had a crack in it where you would pinch your finger. We used nail polish bottles for lamps, folded up Kleenex for pillows and we draped open tissues over the bed for covers. We even expanded our wasp-waisted dolls' living space through a DIY project worthy of its own television program. We made more rooms and hallways by pressing masking tape onto the hardwood floor - much to our mother's sour-faced displeasure.

Our poor little brother sat outside the locked bedroom door and cried and begged and demanded to be let in. When we were worn down enough to agree - with numerous conditions, of course - we were predictably disappointed as he would go tromping about, acting the Godzilla to our Barbies, messing things up, tipping things over and nibbling the toes of our Barbies when we were distracted with fussing and straightening the mess.

Or did we nibble those Barbie toes? Memory is such a subjective thing.....

Well, the joke is on us now that Baby Brother is the Chief of Police of our hometown. Godzilla is now the keeper of Law and Order. (And I'm dang proud of him, too.)

We were your typical siblings. Car trips were the usual nightmare with three surly kids. I still don't know why our parents punished themselves so. Back in those days, cars had bench seats and while Darling Sis and I had our traditional places in the back, we insisted the CoP ride up front between Mom and Dad. That didn't mean he couldn't get up on his knees and twist around in the seat so he could face us. Pest.

I used to make an ugly face at him using my fingers to pull my eyes down, my nose up and to stretch out my mouth into a hideous gaping maw. He would yelp and flail around in his seat. Darling Sis ignored us, Mom clucked her tongue in disgust and threatened to escape out the passenger door and Dad taught us new words and phrases we later found out via the piquant taste of Palmolive were not allowed.

Were the five of us to attempt car travel en masse now, I doubt much would be different.

I've written on my other blogs about a few incidents involving my brother, but one of my all time favorites was the time he was hypnotized at a school assembly and announced to the whole high school that he was afraid of clowns. Not a fan of clowns myself, I can understand this, but it was still a moment of high humor for my 18 year old self, being the smarty pants older sister that I was.
I'd forgotten until recently all the methodology I employed to frighten the CoP back then. I should apologize or something. First though, I want to tell you that I find it particularly amusing in a symmetrical kind of way that one of my favorite bloggers Bubs, who is also in law enforcement, posts often about clowns. I never miss an opportunity to crack wise about showing my brother the scary clown posts. And now, here's my chance. Hey - Chief of Police - whatever you do, don't look here.

Okay, now I really owe him an apology. And a dinner. And possibly a gift certificate to Bass World. Will that do?

This is fresh in my mind because we've had the chance to renew our kinship on Facebook. The Chief of Police was the last of the siblings to get a profile. But now he's there and we're all about the airing of dirty family laundry and reliving the stunning idiocy of life at 118 A Wilson Street circa 1969 - 1984.

Thankfully, our parents aren't involved. They are safely without a computer or knowledge of what goes on in cyberspace between their children. That is, of course, until one of the aunts who are on Facebook clues them in. The horror.

On the Chief of Police's Facebook wall......

Me: Seriously. Well, you're actually a pretty nice guy except when you're holding your sister in a half nelson. Have you seen the retro wrestler's favorites thing yet?

CoP: No...still trying to figure all the apps out on here...the wrestling stuff reminded me of the werewolf and hoobiedoobie man...hahahahahaha! Do you remember when you used to scare the crap out of me and then you'd be in for it!?!?

Me: Oh my gosh! I'd totally forgotten about the werewolf and the hoobiedoobie man! Yeah, I was pretty mean to you - scaring you like that. I guess it was only fair that you practiced your wrestling moves and holds on me.

Still - let's blame Darling Sis. She started it by hiding in the closet and jumping out and scaring me every chance she got.

CoP: She's an easy target...I say we blame her for everything!

Me: Deal.

Darling Sis: Oh hell no...don't even think of blaming any of that crap on me. Yes, I'll admit I hid in the closets (with camera in hand) and jumped out to scare Lisa. You'd think that as smart as Lisa was, she would have known I would jump out at her every chance that I got. I say blame CoP - isn't he the one who did the autopsy on your rag doll, Lisa? ... And what about the amputations to all the Barbies? Hmmmmm? ......

Me: I knew we'd get busted for this. Fine. Why don't we band together and blame the parents? Have you guys talked to them lately?.... P.S. Don't read the blog, CoP. I'm going to write about Clowns. With pictures.

Darling Sis:
PS - while you two twits are talking about "the old times", remember "Georgie Porgie" (Lisa) and "Liggle-Diggle" (Lisa, again), "Clepto-Trashies" (Lisa again), and the best one, "Pr*ck of the Month Club" (yep, Lisa). Sorry I'm picking on Lisa here, but I .....

CoP: Ewwwwwwwww....Clowns are the creepiest EVER! There used to be a freakin' scary mask in the storage room that reminded me of a clown...hated it!!! Trust me...I have read waaaaaaay more on the blog than I should have! Just thankful that "mother and dad" don't have a computer!

Darling Sis: What is it with clowns? They scare (nephew) to death also. Took the kid to a circus and he freaked out in a major way. CoP - do you remember the old hag witch mask that we used to have at MOTHER's house? That was one gnarley looking thing.

Me: First - Thanks, Darling Sis, for noting more of our (my) childhood weirdness). Second - CoP, now that I know you're reading the blog (did you catch the video where I imitated mother eating the ice cream cone? that'll give you nightmares), I'll be sure to not identify you when I write about the hypnotist visiting the school assembly. Third - Hell, Darling Sis. The Dancer's 18. We're all getting old.

Darling Sis: Old? Heck no...it's called Miss Clairol and major dentistry work. Maybe a little botox, a nip & tuck here 'n there. When I go to my class reunion (35th - ouch) in June, I'll probably be one of the few in my class that isn't a grandparent yet.

One can only assume that at this point, Baby Brother had lost interest. Or had to go out and arrest someone that one of us had gone to school with at some point. Small town. You know how it is.........

P.S. Darling Sis, you missed one. Georgie Porgie was when I made the mistake of leaning in too close to the Chief of Police. He would grab my cheeks in his chubby little hands and shout Georgie Porgie while squeezing really, really hard.

I suppose that was his way of getting back at me for all those times when he was just learning to walk and I would put him in his baby walker into the middle of the family room where I would run around him in circles singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and staying just out of his reach........man, I wish I had video of that.


  1. Love the family banter, and I totally agree - clowns are very scary. Have never liked them!

    I've been trying to get my half-sister to get on Facebook but so far she has resisted. (I hate to call her a "half-sister" but because we didn't live together as children I always feel the need to make the distinction. She's almost 73 but is a very cool 73 - you'd think she was in her 50's). We e-mail but somehow Facebook is more immediate so I'm still hoping she'll get into it.

  2. Sherwood doesn't have much pleasant banner with his family. He sometimes wishes he did, but then he remembers that he was raise by wolves. No matter how hard he tried, he was never going to be a wolf.

  3. That's neat.. It's good you have that back and forth with your siblings. It is great that you have the kind of relationship and you get along that well. I didn't and don't have that with my sister and brother.

    The brother I did have it with was Gay and he died several years ago.

  4. I'm a bit too old to have played with Barbies but we coached a little girls softball team for a few years and I remember one little girl, too young to play, who spent her time on the sideline punking out hers. I'm sure she grew up well adjusted.

    The friendly family facebook feud sounds delightful.

  5. Big Sis used to be forced to babysit me, and I hated naps because I hated to miss out on any potential action, but she always wanted me to take naps to get out of her hair.
    I had rosy cheeks back then and she'd dab Vicks Vaporub on them so the fumes would make me want to shut my eyes.
    I can see that you had a similar meanstreak as the elder sibling. :/
    As for clowns, I hate them too, until verrry recently.

  6. My mother tookaway all my Barbie stuff when I was eight and started asking where babies really came from. All that sex-stuff was dir-ty! An honest, informative age appropriate conversation was way beyond reach for her then and now. I learned all I needed to know from the kids on the school bus, like every red blooded 'Merican kid of that era; by God! ;) You just didn't talk about bodily functions and kissing and stuff.

    It is amazing how much torment we can inflict upon our siblings and still love each other fiercely.

    No one else is allowed to do the same. If they even attempt it, hackles raise and they suffer a familial wrath! It's a case of I'm allowed to pick on them mercilessly, but anyone else; uhh-huh!

  7. Ha! You are talking to the cops on Facebook! You're a police snitch!

  8. It all sounds like fun and games in retrospect...but I'll bet AT THE TIME you felt differently. I'm glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your siblings. Envious too.

  9. Hey, where's the post where you slapped down that emailer? I loved that post.

  10. Dr. Zaius is right! I'm sending in the clowns!

  11. Oh Lisa, I SO had that Barbie Dream Home! I also had the Barbie Jet, the one where she was a Stewardess in a short ass skirt, NOT a flight attendant!

  12. Maui - It's fun having my siblings on FB. The cousins and aunts, too! For us it's a great way to stay in touch. Now I just have to be careful and not step on any toes with the things I write.

    Sherwood - Some would say we were raised by wolves, but we really weren't. Could we adopt you?

    Annette - We get along much better now that we can laugh about our past goofiness. If we still lived near each other, though, I suspect we wouldn't find our current goofiness so endearing.

    susan - there's nothing like finding your rag doll hanging by a noose made of some brother's belt in the closet. I always assumed that the pencil stabbings in the doll's rag body were for artistic effect. (He actually is an artist now. I wonder if I can get him to post any pix of his work.)

    KZ - Clowns aren't all bad, are they? Me? Cruel? Mwahahahahaha.

    kkryno - you make a great point. We could torment the dickens out of each other, but no way were we going to let someone else do it. Sorry about your Barbies. Ours got nekkid with GI Joe more than once.

    Dr Z - Maybe. What's it worth to you to keep mum about YOUR secrets?

    themom - Don't be too envious. At the time there was plenty of angry fighting and shrieks for mom. You are so right!

    Dr. MVM - It's back. I fixed a typo and saved it instead of hitting publish.

    Randal - Let's just take it outside already! I've been in touch with my connection to Condi so I'm ready to rumble!

    Scandy - Me too! I had the jet and the mall and the country camper. Or was it the Malibu Barbie one? Now I'm going to have to go google pix to make sure. But I loved that jet. And her hot, hot outfit.

  13. I never owned nor played with Barbies.

    But I did love the rest of the post..almost made me want to call my rightwing extremist brother..I said almost! ;p

  14. My brother, Steve, was 5 yrs older and it was the other way around for me. He would exclude me in most things, especially his record collection. Glad to see you two are corresponding. Gives me hope that someday we will too.

  15. A few things:

    1. I've recently reconnected with my brother on Facebook and blogs now, too! He's about 20 years older than me, and he told me that reading stories on my blog about my childhood is interesting to him because my growing up was so much different than his. (Same parents, much different childhood!)

    2. Clowns are WAY freaky. One time my parents and my aunt & uncle dressed up like clowns on Halloween, unbeknownst to us kids. My uncle snuck around the front of the house and banged on the window. All I saw was this creepy clown face staring back at me--it scared the crap out of me!

    3. Unfortunately, my parents not only have a computer, but they also know about my blog. Sometimes I censor myself, and that sucks. Plus, my 75-year-old Mom is on Facebook--what is this world coming to???? :)

  16. Ah, family. My only family on FB (regularly) is my oldest sister and my seventeen-year-old nephew. My brother has an account, but doesn't log on, and my other sisters can't be bothered (their lives are so busy you know; apparently Gabriella and I just lolligag around the house 24/7). It's just as well, they'd be party-poopers.

    I have dealt with sibling issues by moving to the Midwest.

  17. What a cool post! Yeah, I have to say I'm enjoying using the facebook to catch up with relatives.

    And apologize to your brother for me. I didn't mean to be part of your ongoing sibling torment.

  18. I like Stephen King clowns.

  19. Golly - so much of this stuff looks familiar - but the boys were the oldest ones in my family growing up. We sibs are trying to get a dinner together, just the four of us. We all four live within easy drives of each other, so it shouldn't be too hard, but we're all in the busiest parts of our lives (KIDS!).

    But all those antics and torturing, etc. - all so familiar.

    And clowns? I'm with the CoP. Icky, scary, maybe even perverted - and certainly not funny. I've always thought there was something sick about them. And I'm not the one in our family who hates them the most.

  20. I've posted a little something for you here!

  21. Damn, girl, you writin' books? :)) love it...xx


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)