Saturday, May 2, 2009

They So Owe Me, Dontcha Think?

Artwork provided by Garbo

Every year, Mother's Day comes and goes and a big deal is not made. I don't expect anything and my family has picked up on this sentiment. I get this attitude from my mother who has gone through most of her life expecting not much either. Frankly, The Big R was never one to make a big deal out of birthdays or the made up Hallmark Holidays. Let's just say celebration is not hardwired into my family.

Anyway, it's been one of those mornings where the Spawn wander in and out of the room as I try to do six things at once (with the book The Myth of Multitasking sitting ironically right next to me) and MathMan pays bills and reconciles the bank statement. We've recently changed the way we handle the bills, with both of us taking an active role. It's working well because now we're both much more aware of what's coming in and what's going out. Nevertheless, bill paying and bank statements tend to make the "adults" in this house rather peevish. Wandering and commenting Spawn don't read the body language very well. It all adds up to some snippishness, as you will see in a moment.

But what does this have to do with the approaching Mother's Day? Very little actually. Except I know that MathMan reads this blog and I've decided that this year things must be different. I'm going to have some mighty high expectations for what I'd prefer to call The Day to Worship the Woman Who Can't Cough, Laugh or Do a Jumping Jack without Peeing Herself Because Her Nether Regions Were Wrecked in the Pushing of Three People into the World.

I realize that's a pretty long name for a holiday title, but, hey, it's accurate.

I'll be reminding MathMan daily that NEXT SUNDAY is DWWWCCLDJJWPHBHNRWWPTPW, otherwise known as Mothers' Day. Not that I'm his mother, mind you, but since he thought it would be a bright idea to mix his DNA with mine and make me a mother, well then, I reserve the right to believe that he is somehow responsible for leading the fruit of his loins in making NEXT SUNDAY a very special day indeed.

Cut flowers are fine. I'm not really a corsage kind of gal. I'd be much pleased to be taken out, stuffed with food from some champagne brunch and poured into bed smelling of mimosas and slurringly singing the chorus from Wind Beneath My Wings. That would be fine. I could also use a video camera for Commute Chat, my own car and a couple of new bras. Given those options, I'm sure I know which items I'm likely to receive. MathMan will be very disappointed, though, to learn from the women staffing Victoria's Secret that they do not, in fact, carry bras in the DD range.

So now you know my plan. If I were being sneaky, I'd call it a plot, but I'm not keeping any secrets on this one. I want cheddar and I don't mean cheese. I've earned it. I mean, look how loving and cooing and kind I am to my family........

MathMan: What was that you called me? Crispy? Crinkly?
Me: What are you? A french fry? Prickly. I called you prickly. It has the word prick in it, how can you not remember that?

Me: You have a couple of typos in your Facebook status.
The Dancer: Do not!
Me: Do too! Look (show her the mistakes)
The Dancer: Well, that's nothing compared to the typos Daddy makes
Me: You're kidding, right? We're using Daddy's typing skills as the standard now?

Me to MathMan: You spelled prickly wrong.
The Dancer to MathMan: Doesn't she drive you crazy?
MathMan: No. I'm not a good speller. I'm glad your mother tells me when I have typos. There's no malice intended.
The Dancer just looks at him incredulously.
MathMan: Although the way your mother just laughed might make you wonder about that whole malice theory.

MathMan: You better get ready to go.
Garbo: It won't take me very long.
Me: That's right, she's quick because she doesn't change her panties.
Garbo: I do too. I changed my panties the other day.

Me: What do you have on your foot?
Garbo: Plastic wrap. My foot was kind of cold.
Me: Does that help?
Garbo: Not really.

Garbo: I have a lot of back fat?
Me: How do you have back fat?
Garbo: Maybe that's not back fat, that's my butt cheek.

Garbo: The Dancer isn't a genius like I'm going to be.
Me: I think you're either a genius or not. There's no going to be about it.
Garbo: I'm already a genius for my age. Oh wait. I'm not a genius. I only get As and Bs. And the penmenship award.

Artwork provided by Garbo


  1. Big Plans, I am telling you! Now lets talk ... I am thinking that we celebrate Mother's Day early. So we can do it right for you - no interference from those "other lesser moms". So breakfast tomorrow. It will be a mathmanMark holiday.

  2. Backfat? I've heard of fatback, a southern food thing that's really quite gross.

  3. You go, Lisa! Have a joyous DWWWCCLDJJWPHBHNRWWPTPW, whenever you celebrate it.

    Oh, and good use of the mnemonic device on prickly. I just hope he understands the definition. He seems like a good guy. After all, MathMan's ability to welcome your help in spelling sans resentment shows he is a keeper.

  4. Ah yes, the give and take of families..such a jewel, right?

    right? Ok..sometimes the back and forth is you take it to the next level dear Lisa. you want me to tell mathman about the new bra store? ;p

  5. Oh, I love it.... They do owe you, quite frankly.... They'll thank you when they have their own children....(let's hope....)

    Remember, did you watch Ally McBeal?? "Snappish!" I use it early and often, not only in describing myself but everybody else, too, thank you.

    I was once paying all the bills, including at that particular moment the IRS estimated quarterly taxes.... now it's a nice problem to have, I frequently joke with folks.... But at that particular moment, the chitlins were running around, and I was writing checks for practically every penny that was in the bank at that moment. (I had saved so diligently.) And watching every last penny of that tidy sum made me MIGHTY cranky! I think I yelled loudly at everybody, but learned never to pay any more bills when tender young chitlins are running around.... Might damage them irrevocably....if I haven't already... :-(

  6. Mothers Day is overrated. Like you said a Hallmark made up holiday. But also like you said if they want to take us out and spoil us, who's to say no?

    Have a great weekend. We will have a perfect weather day today and rain tomorrow for the big marathon going on in town tomorrow.

  7. Boy do you sound like me (when it comes to spelling, not peeing myself....although at my age the prostate misbehaves from time to time.) I'll re-read somthing 3 or 4 times before posting (or hitting the send button.)

    As for underwear, that brings me to a question: Since thong underwear is shaped the way it is, why bother?

  8. Might I suggest Ouch! as a new title for this holiday? It encompasses so much lunacy on multiple levels.

    "Happy Ouch!"

    See, rolls off the tongue.

  9. I've never asked for anything in particular for Mother's Day...although my son giving me a vacation to spend time with him in Egypt last year was nice. I may just emphasize the damage that these offspring have done to my body (thru childbirth and life), so much that they run away on days to "honor" me! Maybe if I rename the date, such as you, I might fare better.

  10. ...The Day to Worship the Woman Who Can't Cough, Laugh or Do a Jumping Jack without Peeing Herself Because Her Nether Regions Were Wrecked in the Pushing of Three People into the World...

    Might this not be the time for one of those very fancy plastic surgery vaginal fix-ups? Or at least a gift wrapped box of adult diapers.

    This is a great deal more than a Hallmark moment and should have its own month. Unless one is a mother like mine was. Then it should come with a burning at the stake.

    Garbo is indeed a genius. And many a genius got shitty grades in school as school was not actually challenging the genius enough--boredom is terrible for a genius

  11. Mother's day is low key in our home too. I just expect a few hours of groveling and fussing around me, to be followed quickly by many people asking me where clean clothes and warm food is.
    They owe us! Two had to be cut out and one I pushed out while screaming! Someone owes me for those scars! LOL!

  12. Mother's Day - this year, known as "two days after the American History AP exam and the day before the (MUCH) dreaded Biology AP exam."

    It will be a quiet day.

    However... the following Friday, known as Mother's Day - observed, Steve is taking the day off from work, everyone is getting up really early in the morning, and we're taking a day trip to Blowing Rock, NC to eat lunch at my favorite pizza place, drive a bit on the Blue Ridge Parkway to see the scenery, take my favorite (flat-ish because of my knee) hikes, and get home really late. I put it on everyone's schedules a week or two ago because I was leaving nothing to chance.

  13. I have a son who has a difficult time remembering occasions. We routinely get our Christmas package from him sometime in Jan or Feb so that's when I know the Season is over. One year the card in the box had flowers, hearts and blue birds. The inside said 'Happy Mother's Day, with a little note from him and a 'ps' saying he'd forgotten to send it the previous summer so now it could be our Xmas card too.. with love.

    Tell Garbo her artistic talent and color sense is wonderful.

  14. Frankly, if they boys went out to breakfast by themselves and left me alone for a few hours on a Sunday morning, that would be the best Mother's Day ever.

  15. dcap's mother: did you send me a card this year?

    subtle isnt she?

  16. This is just one more reason I am glad I only had ONE

    Of course even with 1 I still have the problem of BAWWCCLDJJWPHBHNRWW by pushing that 1 out and the years bouncing down the road in a truck both..

    But still it is fun being Mom.. it is a unique job in that it allows us to do things no one else can do and be things no one else can be.. and get by with Even dad's can't.. just mom's...
    Enjoy your day.. you earned it.

  17. Happy Mothers Day Lisa! PS: What is up with the smily faces?

  18. i'd leave a comment but i'm smiling and laughing to much!

  19. Well, good luck on the Mother's day thing. Thanks for reminding me too...hahaha. Gotta honor the one that pushed me into the world after two previous c-sections. That was dangerous back then. She risked her life for me. The least I can do is buy her a plant or something. :)



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  22. Cool, I've looked at this post in Polish!

  23. Love it :)
    Especially your 'malicious" laugh :))

  24. Oh, man oh man, is my Mother totally different. She expects to be pampered on Mother's Day and gets exceptionally passive-aggressive if we do not.

    She even would write a list of specific things she wanted on Mother's Day weeks before and stick it on the refrigerator so there was no misunderstanding as to what she expected to receive.

  25. I get spoiled on Mother's I can't complain.

    However, I think that, instead of the children having celebrations on their birthdays, those celebrations should be in OUR honour instead, seeing as we're the ones who had to pop the buggers out, and raise them, clean their dirty bums, feed them, etc.etc.etc.etc.....

  26. Oh, Garbo's a genius. No doubt. Hope the clan is planning your special day as I type. Hoping even more that somehow you can tape it.

  27. I generally get punk cds, books - and gift certificates for the Russian Massage guys in Raleigh.

    We're not particularly 'status quo' here, either.

  28. well, thank you for this much deserved laugh.... there is nothing truer than this post and i should post it somewhere around HERE...maybe send the old gent over to read ... well, no.. actually my mother's day starts with my birthday now on the 22 [i'm a genius like garbo, just look at this dynamo mom she's drawn. i won't tell you what i thought those things on the shirt were...] because i am a spoiled rotten brat and make sure they all know it....and that's all perfectly acceptable in my world as i also did that with a few kids and a whole bunch of other suffering far far worse than anyone else in this family has ever....i think you struck a nerve...i'm off to discuss this with said cowboy of my own...

    don't tell me if you can hear us...


  29. I gave you the Bella Award, come by and pick it up.


  31. Jeepers! DWWWCCLDJJWPHBHNRWWPTPW is lot more complicated than I thought!


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