Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Adventures in Real Parenting: The Fine Art of Pussy Procurement

Friday evening while I was out doing crazy, irresponsible things like meeting up with blogger buddies, my cellphone rang and rang. I checked the display to see if it was anyone I wanted to talk to - you know, Sarah Palin finally calling to apologize for being such a Divisive Delores or the lottery commission calling to notify me of some big winning, but no, it was just Garbo calling to ask me to say yes to something her daddy had already said "no" to. This is how the game is played, speaking of divisive.

I chose not to answer the phone.

Eventually, MathMan called for some thing or other and I mentioned the repeated, ignored calls. "She's just calling to beg you to keep a kitten she found," came his response.

Uh huh.

People of the internets, it seems that there is a level of cat ownership at which one must stay. Five seems to be our predestined level. We had five before: Tiger, Daisy, Morris, Ivy and Pyewacket. When we moved, Pyewacket, the neighborhood jack about town, stayed behind with the other families who fed him and called him their own. Now we were at four.

Except Friday afternoon, two kittens climbed from the ditch separating us from our neighbors and ran straight for the gang of Covered Bridge Springs Tarts who were horsing around in the yard. Much squealing ensued, I'm sure.

Garbo grabbed one kitten for her own, the neighbor twins grabbed the other. Mama Cat was nowhere to be seen. (She still hasn't reappeared.) MathMan began in earnest to say the word 'NO' over and over again. That's when my cellphone began ringing.

Later that evening, when I arrived home, I was implored to please at least lay eyes on the sweet little baby. I should have known better. I wasn't twenty seconds in to my love fest before I declared that we would have to keep her. People, pussy makes me stupid, that's all there is to it.

Later that evening, as I sweet-talked MathMan about how were now going to have to keep the kitten, I thought I heard another cat. When I couldn't spot one, I gave up looking. The next morning, though, I heard it again. Thinking it might be Mama Cat crying out for her babies, I walked down to the ditch and called "Kitty, kitty, kitty....."

A little gray kitten, nearly identical to the one we had ran from the bushes and skidded to a halt on the edge of the ditch. As I was instructing it to be careful and stay put until I could come around and get her? him?, the kitten reared back on its haunches and made the great leap over the deep ditch. It was like watching Evel Kneivel jump that motorbike over the canyon.

And then there were six.

Turns out the neighbor twins were told to put that cat back where it came from. They have a smart mama, you see. Thankfully, MathMan found a home for number six, putting us comfortably back at our five cat level. Again. Thanks be to the fellow school teacher who took that kitten. I'd hate to mess with the number gods on this one.

And so that is my story of pussy procurement. Not as much fun as cruising the redlight district in any given city, but with a lot less chance for STDs, too. You've gotta find the good in things, right?

Here's another home movie for you....

Because I have nothing better to do than make goofy movies, that's why.


  1. I want 2:15 more minutes of cuteness, dammit! I will NOT let Grace see this; she's already agitating for another kitty.

  2. Oh my god, I totally want another one now. The Mr. prays every day that I don't come across strays, because he knows I can't resist, and he knows he's powerless against me.

    Little does he know that we'd be the proud parents of a fluffy black feral kitty right now if I hadn't been riding my bike and would have had somewhere to put the little guy the other day. It broke my heart to leave him, but he looked like the kind of cat that the other cats wouldn't want to fuck with. I think he'll be fine.

  3. Sooooooo cute. I want one but Mr. Peach Tart is allergic. Spoil sport.

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  5. I really shouldn't leave you with such a commonly male response. Now, that I have watched the video; that it hi-larious that kitten is an idiot, in a pussy cat kind of way.

  6. What is the kitty's name? Or has one not been chosen by the cat yet?

  7. "People, pussy makes me stupid, that's all there is to it."

    Perhaps in an earlier life you were male.

  8. If I had any guts, this would be my epitaph. And every other straight man's: "pussy makes me stupid"

  9. Sadly, I am allergic to cats. Even the ones that I like.

  10. Why are kittens SO irresistable??!

    I keep wishing for one more; but I'm up to two dogs, a cat, a bird, mother-in-law, two stray cousins, and possibly a brother-in-law who just lost his job of six years; plus us.

    Right now, that's enough open mouths at my table.

    The cuteness factor of the new kitteh is massive, though. =)

  11. Pussy certainly makes me stupid as well, in both the assumed/censored MathMan way (hey, caps that second M!), and the way in which my two cats, Dorian and Godot (I have an English degree, furgodsakes) make me go crazy with cat language and nuances.

    I almost want another. And for the record, I am 3 out of 4 (allergist rating) allergic to cats and 4 of 4 allergic to dogs. I have 2 cats and 1 dog and maintenance meds are 3x a day.

    (I just thought we should have another parenthesis comment here)

    And I wouldn't trade it for any of them. Love and energy happen on too many levels.

  12. Garbo is very smart. Hey, the kitten is cute and you already have four. Good move. That said, I'm cat free. But one day, I will finally get a pup.

  13. One more pussy... one more itch to scratch

  14. I believe pussy makes everyone stupid.

    But kittens are ridiculously impossible to resist. I fell for two of them.

  15. I thought you were gong to tell me their names are double & trouble... but you had the sense to draw the line at 5???

    You realize you are the minority & they -- the cats can mutiny.

    I had a cat as a kid.... we saw a stray kitty & had been feeding it milk & tuna for a week.
    then we acted like we'd never seen him before.....
    Oh Mom.... he really likes us.
    Did she fall for it, or did she smell the tuna on his breath???

    Just on the back porch she said.

    Before you know it Tigger has his own chair in the frontroom.

    Since then I have had dogs.... Rasta & Lakota.
    and a few birds.... Cheeper & Beluga

    But we are in a pet sabbatical now.

    I find myself checking the animal shelter website often.....

  16. I've been cat-free for two years now (though I still have a pussy) and like it that way. If someone invents a flush toilet for cats, I may reconsider. But litter boxes are an abomination. On the other hand, that kitten is, as Peach Tart says, sooooooo cute! Damn!

  17. Cats (cat hair) make me sneeze and my eyes burn.

    I have a pet beer instead.

  18. We're holding at 1 siamese, 1 gecko, 2 large bearded dragons, 1 large african bullfrog 2 chinchillas (Mikey calls them boomchillas,he also eats cheeseadillas for lunch..) oh and 2 newts and a fire belly toad. But those kittens would have been impossible to turn away...Did I mention 6 kids?

  19. So this makes you Pussy Galore and Mathman James Bond?

    We have four cats and there's one intermittently prowling around the neighborhood that the satanic offspring want in. I've said no, but they figure I'll crack eventually. Being a sap sucks.

  20. While I shouldn't be surprised, your comment about pussy making you stupid seems to have stuck in everyone's mind. We are, after all, typical men (and women).

    The kittens are adorable, and I think the whole crazy-cat-lady thing doesn't really kick in until the number hits double digits.

  21. You have many nice kitties. :o)

  22. Damn, cat posts!! I love it :) Go to Gaston Studio and check out her cat post....my comment there works here too, Lisa :))

  23. oh lisa, you think too much.
    C'mere, dear.

    I love that music. I thought with all the time seemingly remaining that little kitty was going to go faster and faster until some spontaneously combustible moment. Maybe we like having cats because their energy rubs off on us. I don't even run around my house chasing my kids like i do my cats.

    Crazy Cat Lady is in my (very near) future.

  24. Darling kittens
    beautiful story
    interesting Universe thing, with number 5
    [My Cat Man is named
    Chess Pacific.
    ("Chess" after Chess Records where they recorded Chuck Berry and other rock and R & B...)]


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