Let the Orgy Begin

About three hours ago I noted that it's Wednesday and I'm supposed to write a blogpost. I suppose that having been sick is a good excuse for not writing, but since I set a personal goal of writing one post each Wednesday, I'm really resistant to not following through. I mean, this goal doesn't have anything to do with food or exercise. I'm perfectly comfortable blowing those goals. Repeatedly. Daily.

So what to write about? Should I tell you how much fun it is to be in a house where four of the five people who live here have thrown up since Saturday night when MathMan started this whole thing? Should I tell you how our trip to Rising Sun had to be canceled and so I won't be indulging in the food orgy that is my mother's home-cooked food, my father's homemade ice cream, Big Boys and Skyline chili? Or how about the fact that my parents, wild gamblers that they are, had actually scored us three nights at a nice casino hotel and I had to call my mom and ask her to cancel the reservations because I was dying? The Big R was not happy. Sympathetic, but not happy. Dammit - this intestinal upset foiled her plans to force Christmas upon us. Right after telling me that I sounded awful and that she was sorry we were sick, she casually mentioned that she'd already put up her Christmas tree for the occasion.

Yes, I was appropriately sorry and chagrined. But I just knew when MathMan awoke in the middle of Saturday night to go toss his cookies, it would likely end up with me sitting on the can for long periods of time while I read the latest Philip Roth. In my mind, his book The Humbling, will be forever associated with stomach cramps.

I am saddened that we won't be spending the long weekend with family. We were all looking forward to this trip. You should see the hang dog expressions around here. (Note to Darling Sis or Chief of Police - that's the part you're allowed to share with the parentals.)

Since our plans have changed, we'll come up with Plan B. Instead of playing Would You Rather? as we drive north on I75, we're playing Wanna Hear Something Weird? in our living room. And sometimes the something weird doesn't involve gassiness or gurgling guts.

When we get done with that game, we'll start the annual explanations of why we won't be doing Christmas AND Hanukkah this year. I mean, sure, we'll give them each kid a gift card to the Dollar Tree and some gum for Christmas and they'll get eight days of gifts beginning with an orange and culminating with a pair of socks (each, not to share) but we won't be having the gift-giving orgy they anticipate. Oh ye of the mixed faith heritage and short memory.

Of course, MathMan and I are such evil teases, we've got the kids thinking that we're going to get up at the crack of 4am on Friday to go shopping at WalMart. They half believe this, I think. Desire for material goods can make you so gullible.

The rest of the week will include more classic films, a kosher ham dinner, apple pie instead of pumpkin, perhaps a trip to the cinema so we can each sit in different theaters watching the movie of our choice, card games, a few rounds of Family Rock Band, parents whining about a lack of alcohol, children whining about when will we decorate for the holidays (answer: when I have statements signed in blood that they will take down the decorations and store them properly), lots of reading and naps. Plenty of naps (mostly while watching classic films and reading.)

Okay, so here is where I should take an opportunity to tell you all the things for which I am grateful. Well, I'm skipping it. I'm just going to say "it's personal" and move on. I mean, really, is your day gonna be made if I tell you that I'm grateful for the fact that right before my internal workings went into reverse and overdrive, I ate two Entemann's chocolate donuts so now I'm really not craving chocolate? See - I thought not.

And do I really have to tell you that I'm grateful for family, friends, health, freedom, etc. for you to know it? If so, then I have failed because I should be showing it everyday, not just saying it on one day of the year.

So I guess this is the kick-off to the holiday season. Are you ready? You know me, I'm not. But the holidays and all the pleasure and pain they bring is coming and no amount of denial on my part is going to change that. It's like Thanksgiving is carbo-loading for the next day's marathon shopping. I mean, who doesn't get pumped about things like Doorbusters, and Super Slashers? Dang, the holidays just get more and more violent, don't they?

Don't get me wrong. I'm a fool for the holiday specials. I love It's A Wonderful Life and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I should get my hands on those depressing specials from the 70s. Remember The House Without A Christmas Tree? I could show that to my kids while pointing out that, although we don't have a Christmas tree (five cats!), at least they have a mother so they should just shut up already.

Seriously, though, I wonder about the pressure people put on themselves during this time of the year. It's just not healthy. I slack my way through the holidays and find them a bit of a pain I marvel at how some of you do it. The fact that people get through this time of year, not just alive, but smiling and joyful seems like a small miracle to me.

Speaking of holiday miracles, it's 4:15 p.m. on day five of a family-wide plague and I haven't used my loud shouty voice yet. Seriously, people, mark this day down on your calendar. In fact, I think it needs a name just like Black Friday.

Until next Wednesday,

Lisa

P.S. I am already tired of repeating "Please don't do that - I don't want to spend the holidays in the Emergency Room. Help me.