Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Let the Orgy Begin


About three hours ago I noted that it's Wednesday and I'm supposed to write a blogpost. I suppose that having been sick is a good excuse for not writing, but since I set a personal goal of writing one post each Wednesday, I'm really resistant to not following through. I mean, this goal doesn't have anything to do with food or exercise. I'm perfectly comfortable blowing those goals. Repeatedly. Daily.

So what to write about? Should I tell you how much fun it is to be in a house where four of the five people who live here have thrown up since Saturday night when MathMan started this whole thing? Should I tell you how our trip to Rising Sun had to be canceled and so I won't be indulging in the food orgy that is my mother's home-cooked food, my father's homemade ice cream, Big Boys and Skyline chili? Or how about the fact that my parents, wild gamblers that they are, had actually scored us three nights at a nice casino hotel and I had to call my mom and ask her to cancel the reservations because I was dying? The Big R was not happy. Sympathetic, but not happy. Dammit - this intestinal upset foiled her plans to force Christmas upon us. Right after telling me that I sounded awful and that she was sorry we were sick, she casually mentioned that she'd already put up her Christmas tree for the occasion.

Yes, I was appropriately sorry and chagrined. But I just knew when MathMan awoke in the middle of Saturday night to go toss his cookies, it would likely end up with me sitting on the can for long periods of time while I read the latest Philip Roth. In my mind, his book The Humbling, will be forever associated with stomach cramps.

I am saddened that we won't be spending the long weekend with family. We were all looking forward to this trip. You should see the hang dog expressions around here. (Note to Darling Sis or Chief of Police - that's the part you're allowed to share with the parentals.)

Since our plans have changed, we'll come up with Plan B. Instead of playing Would You Rather? as we drive north on I75, we're playing Wanna Hear Something Weird? in our living room. And sometimes the something weird doesn't involve gassiness or gurgling guts.

When we get done with that game, we'll start the annual explanations of why we won't be doing Christmas AND Hanukkah this year. I mean, sure, we'll give them each kid a gift card to the Dollar Tree and some gum for Christmas and they'll get eight days of gifts beginning with an orange and culminating with a pair of socks (each, not to share) but we won't be having the gift-giving orgy they anticipate. Oh ye of the mixed faith heritage and short memory.

Of course, MathMan and I are such evil teases, we've got the kids thinking that we're going to get up at the crack of 4am on Friday to go shopping at WalMart. They half believe this, I think. Desire for material goods can make you so gullible.

The rest of the week will include more classic films, a kosher ham dinner, apple pie instead of pumpkin, perhaps a trip to the cinema so we can each sit in different theaters watching the movie of our choice, card games, a few rounds of Family Rock Band, parents whining about a lack of alcohol, children whining about when will we decorate for the holidays (answer: when I have statements signed in blood that they will take down the decorations and store them properly), lots of reading and naps. Plenty of naps (mostly while watching classic films and reading.)

Okay, so here is where I should take an opportunity to tell you all the things for which I am grateful. Well, I'm skipping it. I'm just going to say "it's personal" and move on. I mean, really, is your day gonna be made if I tell you that I'm grateful for the fact that right before my internal workings went into reverse and overdrive, I ate two Entemann's chocolate donuts so now I'm really not craving chocolate? See - I thought not.

And do I really have to tell you that I'm grateful for family, friends, health, freedom, etc. for you to know it? If so, then I have failed because I should be showing it everyday, not just saying it on one day of the year.

So I guess this is the kick-off to the holiday season. Are you ready? You know me, I'm not. But the holidays and all the pleasure and pain they bring is coming and no amount of denial on my part is going to change that. It's like Thanksgiving is carbo-loading for the next day's marathon shopping. I mean, who doesn't get pumped about things like Doorbusters, and Super Slashers? Dang, the holidays just get more and more violent, don't they?

Don't get me wrong. I'm a fool for the holiday specials. I love It's A Wonderful Life and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I should get my hands on those depressing specials from the 70s. Remember The House Without A Christmas Tree? I could show that to my kids while pointing out that, although we don't have a Christmas tree (five cats!), at least they have a mother so they should just shut up already.

Seriously, though, I wonder about the pressure people put on themselves during this time of the year. It's just not healthy. I slack my way through the holidays and find them a bit of a pain I marvel at how some of you do it. The fact that people get through this time of year, not just alive, but smiling and joyful seems like a small miracle to me.

Speaking of holiday miracles, it's 4:15 p.m. on day five of a family-wide plague and I haven't used my loud shouty voice yet. Seriously, people, mark this day down on your calendar. In fact, I think it needs a name just like Black Friday.

Until next Wednesday,

Lisa

P.S. I am already tired of repeating "Please don't do that - I don't want to spend the holidays in the Emergency Room. Help me.

22 comments:

  1. Sending Lysol and bleach your way, along with a hug and a word that sounds like thanks.......for still writing on Wednesdays, for saying what many of us really feel about our kids and the holidays and the rat race that lives outside our homes.
    I think it rots that you are missing the feast at home, but really, you're missing those looks from your mother too, trust me, mine always gives me the look for some transgression I've made, today or 30 years ago.....you pick!
    Take care!

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  2. Happy Thanksgiving, anyway...no matter how you spend it... I am grateful to "know" you and yours, and grateful for your truly wicked sense of humor in the truth-telling that you do so well....

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  3. well, isn't it fun? i got hit with that and a serious bout of depression...while things are better--rightnow--one never knows about these things...so hoping for you to be able to seriously eat some food you don't usually eat and the kids find something really entertaining to watch on tv...can't wait to read the book! and always always always happy to hear from you, on the pot or wherever, makes no difference :)
    xoxox

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  4. Best Holiday post I've read yet. You really do have that special touch. Love, Henry.
    PS, I'm here because I saw it first on twitter.

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  5. You're too good to those kids. I'd make 'em share those socks if it was me. ;o)

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  6. Congrats on not using the shouty voice (yet). All I can think of is Whimpering Wednesday.

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  7. Feel better Goldens - one and all. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  8. Remember, chocolate covered oysters are NOT the problem.

    Merry whatevs,

    Tengrain

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  9. I've been reading but lacking in comment inspiration. So, let me say collectively, I love what you write.

    A wonderful Thanksgiving to you and yours!

    (And get well soon to MathMan and everyone he gave it to.)

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  10. I'm glad you kept your sanity after all the travails you've been through. Happy Thanksgiving and all that holiday, cheer us up-it's winter, kind of stuff...The holidays are not about consuming but about hanging around our friends and family and getting through the dark days I believe.

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  11. Lisa, I am so sorry you are ill this holiday. I am hoping this will all pass and you all will feel better soon. Thanks for posting even though you probably did not feel like it.

    I do give thanks for meeting You, Steve, Bob and Vikki. I've enjoyed sharing highs, lows, woes and cheers.

    Just know you have a friend out west who cares about you and loves you.

    Linda

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  12. here's hoping no one throws up the ham
    i hope y'all (imagine Texas twang here) have a great Thanksgiving.

    I'm having teh best kind of day. My biggest decision is pants or no pants!

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  13. hope you are getting better and that thanksgiving day was restful

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  14. Holidays? What holidays? Last weekend I went looking for some nice Christmas cards at Powell's where they usually have stacks and had to ask where they were this year. I was directed to a tiny out of the way corner where there were less than twenty varieties which were mostly stupid, lame or indecent. Can't send any of them to the elderly relatives in England.

    Today I was sure the grocery store was closed but we went anyway and found more people there than we've ever seen (except, perhaps, after last winter's major snow storm that shut down everything for a week). We're thinking nobody wants to be home with their families.

    I hope you're all recovered soon.

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  15. I'm sorry you guys are all sick, but I hope you have a chill weekend. I'm having my usual internal debate about how much or little to do for th holidays...enough to make my kids happy and little enough not to make myself miserable. Last year was good, so I think I'll have to just remember what I did then and just do that again. See you next Wednesday!

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  16. Hey there Ms. Lisa~ Hope the gastric grinch goes away. We are taking it light, and you will not find me at any doorbuster consume-a-thon at some ungodly hour. I mean seriously.... no sale is worth all that.
    Anyway... we did my son's College FAFSA form after our dinner. Not a tradition I want to establish. Yish-- anyway the job is it is done.

    So hope you muddled through this one & the rest of the flu season is more kind to you & yours.

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  17. Before your speedy recovery, I hope you spread your illnesses to your mortal enemies. Always important to find something good in something bad, no?

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  18. Aw, Lisa -- This really caps off the holiday spirit that I began feeling on Thanksgiving Day. Thanks, hon! I'm wracking my brains (yes, I have more than one) for an alternative to the usual Christmas celebration (bad poetry and all) but the rest of my family has to go along with it. Darn!

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  19. Kosher ham?

    Chachi should really regret not purchasing that "Jewtopia" book for me the other night.

    I bet it would have explained Kosher Ham.

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  20. Oh dear, hope you all felt better before the long holiday weekend was over.

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  21. Here's hoping that you survived the scurge!

    I'm also hoping the week ahead is much easier.

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  22. Oh my LORD, I hope you're all feeling better by now!!--that sounded dreadful.

    And like you, I'm generally pretty comfortable blowing the diet and exercise goals. :) (I just have to tell my guilt-ridden side that tomorrow is another day, and all that bullcrap. :) )

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