Monday, March 15, 2010

I've Got a Secret....Or At Least I HAD One.




Oh my.

I am sooo embarrassed to tell you how I just spent the last ten minutes. As if embarrassment ever stopped me from blogging about anything. I've been googling and learning just how behind the times I am. Come to find out, I am two trends behind. I'd hang my head in shame if I had any left.

Frankly, as a middle aged mother of eight (the cats count, right?), it's probably bad form for me to write about this because it calls attention to the fact that I have a, um.....what's that word that makes some people cringe...oh yes, I have a vagina, but the reality is that I do and I know how to use it. The sad part is that I've been using it without flair.

I'm so embarrassed. Really I am. But there must be some reason that I noticed today that my maybe cousin Jennifer Love Hewitt is out promoting the latest in personal beauty products. By personal, I mean more or less between one's legs. Let me tell you, if I can find the glue stick that's always lost and that sheet of stick-on nail jewelry that Sophia got for Hanukkah, I'm going to have a personal beauty story to tell, too. Last time I saw that nail jewelry, it was collecting dust and cat fur wedged between Sophie's bed and the wall, but could I be bothered to retrieve it then? Of course not. I was too busy compulsively? obsessively? refolding the six throws she keeps as a backup nest at the foot of her bed. I mean, they have to be shaken out and refolded, otherwise, who knows what might be hiding there.

But, maybe I should forget the glue stick that I can never find. Where's the hot glue gun? Last time I saw it, I think Chloe was using it on some pointe shoes...., but where was I? Oh yes, telling you how embarrassed I am about how thoroughly unstylish my vagina is. If you must know, I am not one to shave down to nothing. Mostly because the growing in part is so dang itchy. Yes, I've tried it. Listen, people, do you think there's much I haven't tried? So anyway, at the moment, I'm sporting a rather run-of-the-mill tidy undercoif that stays neatly in its place, but doesn't cause too much afterburn.

I've never been waxed. I know people who have been and that's all well and good, but seriously, after I pushed Sophia into this world, I pretty much decided that I was done having my vagina messed with by professional types unless absolutely necessary. There's also the fact that I'm a giggler. It would be misery for both me and the person yanking my pubic hairs loose from their loving follicles to have me yelping and laughing and probably leaving a puddle. It would be too unfair to subject myself or anyone else to that indignity. Add to that the fact that having a wax costs money and, well....I just don't see it - "Hey, kids! It's mac and cheese and peanut butter crackers all week because on Saturday Mama goes for her poon wax." Yeah, I don't see it.

So now, on top of the personal affront I commit to humanity by leaving my house with a small, neatly hedged bush under my panties, I am now being frightfully unstylish and frumpy by not having it adorned with some precious design. I apologize. I truly do.

So now I give in. I will comply. But we're going to have to do it my way - on a budget. I can't afford the home vajazzling kit at the moment, so I'm going to have to make do with the items I can find around here. I have a mirror. I can do this. And it's not like I'm doing this unscientifically.

For practice, I shaved one of the cats, finally found the hot glue gun and that old film canister of buttons to use instead of crystals. The cat's not happy, but I think I did a pretty good job. The heart with the arrow going through it came out pretty symmetrically. The cat will get over it once the others stop pointing and laughing the way cats do.

Now it's time for me to go to work on my own Golden Palace of the Himalayas. I tested the hot glue on my arm. This is going to hurt. But if can survive a complete deforestation using a razor that I haven't changed out in oh.....I don't even know, well, I should be okay. I've had three babies without any pain medication. How bad can this be? I never did find that fugitive sticky nail jewelry, but I picked the rhinestones out of some earrings I never wear anymore because it's not 1985. They should do nicely.

I'm thinking of something simple yet clever. Maybe Pi? Should I draw it on with some eyeliner first to make sure I have it right? I mean, I'm going to working upside down and backward.......

MathMan won't be home until late tonight so I won't be able to gauge his reaction to my little vadge surprise until much later, but I can tell you, when I go to town to drop off the dvds, I'll be swanning about the library like a new woman because even if no one else knows that my mons pubis is glittering like all get out, I'll know. Oh yes, I'll know....



32 comments:

  1. What! No piercings? Or tats? Being retro is so limited and will take you only so far ... especially when you "accidentally" stop by a biker's bar for directions to where all the pool boys hang out.

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  2. Any woman who calls her vagina a 'vajayjay' is no woman I ever want to be around.

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  4. Bedazzled? Sounds like, "look but don't touch." I would hate to get a rhinestone in my eye. No reverse kidney stones please.

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  5. I just love the word "vajazzled." And if you vajazzle a pi on your lady bits, I will love you forever. I mean, I'd love you forever anyway because you're awesome, but that would just be spectacular.

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  6. Lisa, you are hysterical!!! My office mate Aimee and I are crying over here!! LOLOL!!!!

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  7. New catch phrase: "poon wax."

    You are too funny! :)

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  8. You win the internet for today for this post. Would you like the blue or the red?

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  9. ROTFL! I have only recently become aware of this new trend as well, and I am strictly old school myself. I can't even imagine doing the wax thing let alone this! Loved your post.

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  10. Oh Lisa, Lisa , Lisa... Mathman is on to some crucial thinking on this matter.

    I expect you like a good downtown as much as the next girl... I think keeping the landing strip free of debris is the smart plan here.

    Back away from the glue gun.

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  11. Damn you are hilarious woman!

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  12. Maybe I'm really old fashioned here but I think au natural is the way to go.

    You had 3 babies without pain medication! Woman you rock!!!

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  13. I have now, and forever, the image of your vagina in my head.

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  14. Maybe we should go back to the 70's - 80's - no trimming.

    I don't think I could keep a straight face if I found jewels down there.

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  15. ok, i think i am here and there seem to be no coherent thoughts coming to my head...except have fun and "poon"?
    :)
    xoxo

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  16. I so needed this tonight!!!! I need to be vajazzeled - in more ways than one!!! You crack me up... :)))

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  17. I saw JLH talking to George Lopez about this. My first thought? Yeah. If I fully deforested and decorated my lady bits with stick on jewelry, he'd be the first man *I'd* tell.

    I'm a little afraid that I'd do it wrong. Wait. No. I'm A LOT afraid I'd do it wrong. I lack coordination and depth perception. It just wouldn't end well.

    Finally, please add me to the list of people that found the phrase "Poon Wax" hysterical. I laughed so hard that I scared the dog.

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  18. What??!! I can barely keep my eyebrows tweezed and my kitchen floor swept. Now my vivi has to be jeweled?? I just don't have the time. All this tuna town waxing is creating an epidemic of camel toe that I find disturbing.

    Free the pubic hair!!!!!

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  19. I agree with Dr. Monkey. Everyone knows the correct term is hoohah.

    And I agree with the others...very funny. I could see you with a cat and glue gun. Brilliant.

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  20. Oh my Lord, woman!--do you have no limits???? LOL! LOL! :)

    You crack me UP! :) Thanks for the laughs!

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  21. Did you know the Playboy network used to share a channel with the Christian Broadcasting Network? My folks were visiting and I'm sure my dad was wondering why he was watching a choir when all of a sudden 9pm rolled around and there was a woman having her pubic hair shaved, dyed red and turned into a handlebar mustache. My father said 'Goodness' :-)

    'poon wax' - I'll have to remember that.

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  22. I'll send you a pack of bindis....
    :))

    Looks like Dr Monkey has vajayjay envy....

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  23. 'bout time this trend appeared. It'll go nicely with the rhinestones I've got on my third wheel. Studded, for her pleasure.

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  24. Hmmm - well, if the potential for Mathman's forehead to start resembling Abdullah the Butcher's has a certain zesty appeal...?

    ;>)

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  25. the cats count, right? We count double!

    For practice, I shaved one of the cats... Geez!! If you think I'm going to volunteer to be a shaved pussy, forget it!!

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  26. Lisa, you almost caused me to pee my pants. At work on my lunch break!

    Some things are just not intended to be sparkly.

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  27. Well hello, sparkles! Jennifer Love Hewitt has always annoyed the crap out of me. Although I have the say that the fact that she's putting crystals on her ladybits actually makes me like her a little.

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  28. Well, now I know what to do with all those rhinestones I never got around to putting on my jeans. . .

    I am so happy this was the first blog I looked at after being away from the intertubes for a week.

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  29. Because we don't have a hot glue gun available here now, I guess The Old Lady will have to make do with Crazy Glue if she goes to "vajazzle" using rhinestones and sparkly stuff.
    I'm with Mathman in that I'd hate to get rhinestones in the eyes.

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And then you say....

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