Thursday, March 4, 2010

TMI Thursday - Something in the Air

TMI Thursday

Click the picture for more TMI.

We're making changes to the way we eat here at Golden Manor. I don't mean anything radical. No colonics or cleanses involving cayenne pepper, but a switch to a diet leaning heavily on fiber from produce, oatmeal and all kinds of whole grain things hidden in the boxes of regular stuff. Deception is key to parenting. It's in all the books, look it up.

This additional fiber has caused the expected changes. I'm talking both kinds - gases and solids. Can I tell you? We haven't talked about poop this much since the kids were babies. Everyone is filing reports of some kind or other.

There are the editorial comments from other family members:
"Who did that? It smells like someone needs to go poo. In the bathroom, I mean."
"If you keep that up, you won't have a girlfriend to worry about."
"What died?"
"How can such a cute butt make such an awful stench?"
"I hear that after a guy drops a girl off from a date, he farts all the way home. Is that true?"

We protect each other with helpful suggestions:
"I wouldnt' go in there right now, if I were you."
"You might want to wait a bit. I was just in there reading."

We have our scientists, too.
"You've got to see this! It's curling around the bowl!"

The newbie fiber eaters issue their own findings:
"I think I've crapped like four times today."
"Now I see what that woman on You Are What You Eat was talking about. I'm taking healthy dumps now."
"If this keeps up, I'm going to need some Desitin. It feels like I have diaper rash."
"That fart was unbearable. And it was my own."

Those who've been on this changed diet a little longer offer some valuable insight:
"When you're eating enough fiber, your poos don't break. I now know what the inside of my intestine look like."
"You'll stop being so gassy sooner or later. Let's hope it's sooner."

Even now, the more seasoned of the healthy eaters will let fly with something that pretty much grabs you by the lapels and shakes you hard. "Oh, man. Sorry about that," he'll say as I adjust my pillows, ready to go to sleep.

"About what?" I'll ask just as the shifting of the blankets allows the stealth poot to escape and commit assault on my olfactory nerves. Like someone taking a physical blow, my head bangs back on the pillow.

"That."

31 comments:

  1. "stealth poot"

    bwahahahaha

    there are no oats in my future for this very reason.

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  2. Christine - I swear. There's a cloud hovering over this house these days.

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  3. Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You slay me, girl.

    Good times. Good times.

    You're not hardcore unless you live hardcore.
    And darlin', you is livin' hardcore up in there.

    Thanks for an awesome laugh today!
    Keep on keepin' real.
    Love,
    lola

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  4. This was hilarious!

    Between us and the dog, we have farting contests in bed every night. So far I'm not sure who's the worst.

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  5. Oh, you haven't lived until you've tried to go the raw food route :) Root a toot toot.

    Look on the bright side though, don't you all feel a little more, um, bounce in your step? And I'm not referring to the jet propulsion lifting y'all off the ground...

    Stay away from steel cut oats, those are the worst. Ironically, I have less problem if I just cook a serving of oat bran.

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  6. This post does nothing to encourage healthy eating, and everything to discourage it.

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  7. So basically...don't light a match within 100yards of Golden Manor these days?? *snicker* Loved the post...had me laughing so hard that a student wanted to know what I was reading!!

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  8. Ah, yes. I hear you. Just glad I don't smell you.

    Also, for those multi-poo sore days, the diaper rash cream actually does help, fyi.

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  9. Now this is my kind of post. (Don't tell Sparky I said that!)

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  10. This is too cool. I've always wanted to see a casting of my own intestinal tract.

    Even though it went unmentioned, there's a strange synergy with the buttplug.

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  11. Lisa, only you can make fiber so funny!!!

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  12. Awesome. My daughter TRIES to fart sometimes...it is hilarious to watch a four year old clench.

    :)

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  13. Reminds me of the old saying:

    Beans,beans the musical fruit
    The more you eat, the more you toot
    The more you toot, the better you feel
    So eat beans at every meal!!

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  14. I've been eating this kind of diet for a long time. I used to be a gassy girl but now I never, and I mean never, fart anymore. But then there is no one here to verify my assertion, so maybe deep in my sleep, I do let one rip, and I never was one to suppress the farts since I think farts are are good for you and hilarious. Maybe it's time for me to write a fart post again. I could bring back the best farts from my past life, the life when I lived with a man who did react to my farts with either glee or horror.

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  15. At least you don't have to worry about asphyxiating yourself. Mythbusters proved that it's impossible for a human body to gas itself into unconsciousness.

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  16. I love this post. And, boy, can I relate, especially to the "stealth poot" situation.

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  17. Lisa, you have me laughing out loud at work just now, and seriously hoping nobody sticks their head in the doorway and asks, "What's so funny?"

    !

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  18. Lisa, I've eaten a lot of fiber for some time now.

    "If this keeps up, I'm going to need some Desitin. It feels like I have diaper rash."
    Neosporin works like a charm.

    Now if you want to get really hardcore, tell Mathman you're going to spit up into the air. Then do it. When you do, his natural defense will be to dick under the covers. Then... well I think you can figure it out. :-)

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  19. That's why we keep Balmex around.

    Here's another line to use "what crawled up your butt and died?"

    And the lyrics to a favorite family song:

    Sam, Sam, lavatory man
    Chief inspector of the crap in the can
    He issues the tissues
    Distributes the towels
    And listens to the music of the human bbbboooowweeeells.

    Gotta really slide that last note.

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  20. I refuse to be outdone: only eggs and beer at my house from now on.

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  21. I'm laughing AND cringing.

    Just this morning, my daughter and I were listening to the radio and a teacher was talking about trying to pass off one of her "rancid farts" as a student's. Has Mathman ever been guilty of this?

    Love that word: rancid.

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  22. Lisa,

    I found your T-Shirt here:
    http://teevirus.com/product/WetFart-Shart-runny-Live-wetter

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  23. Great post!

    Who knew I would learn so much today just by clicking on the word "that?"

    ;)

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  24. Jane and I have been trying to eat better since she moved in. Some nights the conversation goes something like this:

    Jane: Do you want black beans and whole grain rice with your chicken?

    Me: No, I have a meeting tomorrow.

    Jane: How about broccoli?

    Me: Better not ...


    BAC

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  25. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

    Fart jokes never go out of style.

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  26. Sometimes I worry about adding to the methane in the atmosphere. The scientists talk about cow farts but never their own.

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  27. Lisa -

    You flirt, you!

    When I was in college, it was quite the pastime to light our farts. One roommate whose name rhymes with "Mike" was very good at it, and would call us all in to see the blue flume.

    Dudes being dudes, it became competitive, and not that many weeks and parties went by before too long we not only measured the duration of the blue flame, we measure the actual distance it shot out of your butt (yes, engineers really know how to have fun). The problem of course is that you need to have assistance in this endeavor.

    So one rube is conscripted with the stop watch, another with a metal measuring tape, and of course there is a dude manning the trusty Bic lighter. Gassy boy is sitting in the lounger chair, ankles to Jesus looking like some sort of jeans-wearing gynecological victim. (I won't tell you how we learned the importance of jeans in this project, but I will say it is very important.)

    On the count of three, he is instructed to fart.

    One... Two... Three and a mighty flash occurs, and there is much hilarity as the picture makes it to the front page of the student paper.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

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  28. I am hoping that there is a bathroom per child. With all that fiber you need plenty of lues---and air spray.
    Let me warn you now not to add Kashi Go Lean to the high fiber diet. It creates previously unparalleled toxic fumes.

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  29. I laughed so hard I drew mud!
    Damn you girl!

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  30. LOL! You always make me laugh, Lisa. :)

    FYI, I eat tons of fiber, and the bad "poots" go away after a while of eating a high fiber diet--at least usually. :)

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