Thursday, September 9, 2010

Four Kinds of Pleasure In One Box


Prologue
He kissed her and rolled off onto his side of the bed.  "So?"
"So?"  She smiled at him.
"It felt just like any other to me."
"Me, too.  Although, for a second there, it got really warm in here."

***********

"Okay, so do you wanna go..."

"Yeah, let's go."

Chloe looked at us, her face expressionless.  "I'm going to go look for something on the other side of the store."

I followed MathMan down the aisle past the tampons and pads.  We stopped before the display of Trojans and Durexes.  Even the organic sheep prophylactics were representing.  They're made of sheep skin, not prophylactics for sheep.  I think.  I haven't researched this, so please don't quote me.

MathMan shrugged.  He grabbed a box with the word KYNG emblazoned across the front.  "What do you think?"

"Definitely appropriate."

He pointed at the box of SKYNs.  "Or maybe?"

We giggled.  Dear me, we're fourteen.  He put the KYNG box back and resumed his serious face.  This was serious business.  Preventing pregnancy and disease is not to be trifled with.  At least that's what we tell our kids.

"Did you see this?  The Pleasure Pack."  He pointed to the less screamingly obvious front of the Trojan box.  The deep purple color of it was nice, non-threatening, quite soothing.

I pulled a box from the shelf, the springy thingy that keeps the boxed items in order snapped into place, as if to draw attention to us.  I shushed it.  "Let's see what this says."  I turned over the package to read the descriptions of what constituted this Pleasure Pack.

I whispered, "Twisted Pleasure. Designed with deep spiral ribs to help stimulate both partners in their most sensitive areas.  Okay, so it's going to stimulate our egos?  That's some pretty powerful latex."

MathMan smirked.  He's a champion smirker, have I told you that?

Her Pleasure was more of the same, but the Trojan people had been broadminded enough to focus purely on the woman's pleasure.  Only, if they were being sincere about a woman's pleasure, they'd make sure it also vacuumed the house, made breakfast and loaded the dishwasher.  The right way.

Intense Ribbed had deep ribs and ultrasmooth lube.  Well now.  Who could argue with that? Shared Pleasure contained warming lubricant because everyone knows how chilly it gets in the vagina/penis areas.  I mean, if you're not careful, you could get frostbite messing around down there. All that talk about going blind?  Lies.  But frostbite? Just be careful.

MathMan continued to look at the vast array of options.  The last time we put this kind of thought into a purchase, we were buying a car that he could wreck sixteen times without totalling it.  "So?"

As with most things, we concluded that the only way to make the choice was by price.  Since there was no white box with black lettering with the simple word Rubbers on it, we decided to go with the Pleasure Pack.  It cost exactly the same as all the rest of the Durex and Trojans and had the same quantity of condoms in the box.  We congratulated ourselves on being such wise consumers.

I hid the box under something in the basket so that Chloe wouldn't be confronted with that aspect of her parents' lives right there in the middle of the store and we met up with her as she came down the main aisle.

"Ready?"

"Yep."  She didn't meet my eyes.

We stood in line and placed our items on the conveyor belt with a bit too much insouciance.  Chloe stood behind us holding a desk lamp she'd found on the clearance end cap.  "Go ahead and put that with our stuff,"  MathMan said. "We can get that for you."

Then we all tried to act like nothing.  We put our hands in our pockets, looked at the ceiling, whistled.

The checker who was getting ready to scan the items, shifted them around, trying to determine if it we were together.  I moved the condom box up to the front of the pile.  "Oh, heh heh, those are ours. Don't want to traumatize her."

The checker looked at Chloe who shrugged.  "Well, at least this isn't as bad as the time when the checker tried to insist that the KY Jelly that belonged to the woman in front of me must be mine."

********
So now you're just dying to try them, aren't you?  Go on, you can admit it.  KY will cost you extra.

See, the Germans are very serious about condoms, too. So stop that snickering right now.

22 comments:

  1. Chloe is one tough woman. I remember when we were dating I'd messed up my bc pills and we could not live without sex and we went to buy condoms, giggling just like teens about to get caught....too funny.

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  2. The German ticklers look like they're the mutant cousins of Daleks.

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  3. So stop talking about it and get at it! LOL...have fun. Was fun. Good read. Always is. toodles

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  4. Heh heh I felt like hmm hmm I was reading an episode heh heh of Beavis hmm hmm and Butthead heh heh.

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  5. You are so hilarious. I definitely giggled. :)

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  6. A story worth repeating, unless you're the one in line with your daughter. :>)

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  7. Your poor kids huh, but they will live. And actions speak louder than words. Teach those kids responsibility for self--go, go, go!

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  8. Holy dildo, Batman! Those Germans are a creative bunch. But I don't think I want a hand up my crotch or a hamster, or whatever that third one was -- a spaghetti utensil?

    Yeah. No.

    I am so down for a condom that also vacuums the house, makes breakfast, and loads the dishwasher, but I'd be afraid they would be, um, German.

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  9. If Moriah were just a tad older, I would mention this post whenever she carries on how her mother or I "embarrass" her.

    BTW, I always have the same thought whenever I see those boxes with "warming" on them. I mean, really.

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  10. The "warming" gels just feel like you put very minty mouthwash all over your lady parts . . . . or so I've heard.

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  11. And all this time I thought providing the Warming Gel was MY job!

    Seriously, tell Mathman to go get IT done and skip the raincoats - best move I ever made!

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  12. Reminds me when I was a young girl, I would walk 1/2 mile to the other side of the store to find a female checker to pay for the box of Kotex pads.

    I was trying to be discreet & put "jelly" on the grocery list for the husband to get. He comes home with the blue tub of Boysenberry actual jam you use on toast!

    Jeez!

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  13. This was great; poor Chloe. I can only imagine how mortified I'd have been at that age. I remember opening my parents' bedroom door once when I was like, 23, and Mom said "Please close the door." and I realized I'd INTERRUPTED something. Eeeeewww. My parents! Fran, LOL about the jelly.

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  14. This was great; poor Chloe. I can only imagine how mortified I'd have been at that age. I remember opening my parents' bedroom door once when I was like, 23, and Mom said "Please close the door." and I realized I'd INTERRUPTED something. Eeeeewww. My parents! Fran, LOL about the jelly.

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  15. OK. I got tickled with the white box and the black letters with the word 'Rubbers" on it. That was hilarious. And just think of the marketing genius it would take to come out with a line of condoms like that. There are just so many angles you could take with that. (Kinda like the pic you added at the end of the post. I'm afraid to even ask.)

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  16. Ahahahahahah! Ahahahahhaha!
    Poor Chloe

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  17. That took me back about 37 years. My (then to be) wife of 34 years & I made those store runs in 1975. Fast forward to 1988 and a TL when our second daughter was born... That's worry-free motoring you can believe in my friend! 'Specially now we're empty nesters.

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  18. Oh, sweet Lord! Those, uh, German Ticklers look rather...INTENSE. I'm sorry, but anything that looks like it should be used in construction isn't making its way NEAR my lady bits.

    C & I love to horrify Nooze by just kissing in front of her. I can't imagine buying condoms in front of her. The poor child would have to be committed.

    Poor, dear Chloe.

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  19. strictleee.....


    commercial....

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  20. "...if they were being sincere about a woman's pleasure, they'd make sure it also vacuumed the house, made breakfast and loaded the dishwasher." Oh, Lisa--you make me LAUGH!! :)

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