Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Wisdom of MathMan


MathMan, bless his heart, was full of one liners this weekend.  Sadly, most of them revolved around my breasts.  I swear, it's like the pair of them are a third person in the relationship.  Thankfully, they don't ask for much.  Just an occasional tweezing of the rogue hair (WHAT is THAT all about?) and a good bra (alas, they are often denied).  Oh and they do appreciate being released by the bra, any bras, as soon as the clock strikes 8:00 p.m.

So this man of mine, this light of my life, this guy who helps me figure out percentages, he wakes up on Sunday morning and announces "I like sleeping with big naked boobs."

I blink awake.  "But I'm wearing pants," I yawn.

"You're even funnier without your shirt on," he said before getting up to go weigh himself and pee.  Actually, it's the other way around.  We're all about bragging about our weight loss to each other these days.  You can pretty much the determine the tone of the day by what happens first thing in the morning in the bathroom.  If there's a Woot! it's going to be a good day.  If there's a a "Damn it, I shouldn't have had that half a pizza before bed," it's going to be a tuna over greens day.  Those are not particularly happy days.

Same morning, a little while later, MathMan lay absentmindedly tweaking my nipple while I checked my email on my phone. I'd bet cash money he was using my body while he fantasized about the other woman, Calculus.  The tramp.

"Do you mind?" I skeezed out.   I can take only so much nipple tweaking before I'm compelled to ask the tweaker for an explanation.  "What are you doing?"

He continued to stare off into space.  "I'm communicating."

Family therapists, please take note.  Nipple tweaking is an effective means of "communicating."  I pinched his penis and said, "What I hear you saying is......"

We continued to lollygag about in the bed.  Sadly, that is not a euphemism.  We had other people's kids in the house, you see.  That will keep us locked in our room, looking for entertainment that doesn't make the springs squeak, I tell you what.

I rolled over and one of my ridiculously large breasts became uncovered.  MathMan was on the scene immediately.  "That's better," he smiled.  He put a hand on the exposed flesh and said, "Don't want to let this go to waste."

The rest of the morning went on in the same vein.  Me in need of coffee, but reluctant to leave the room unrestrained.  My breasts in need of some serious corralling.  MathMan waxing poetic about them while thinking about math concepts that are completely over my head.  Probably over my breasts' heads, too, but they'd never tell.  They're always putting on airs like that.

Finally, the Spokescat, who had been rattling our bedroom doorknob and begging for food for what seemed like hours got on my last nerve.  Even all the mammary chat couldn't distract me any longer. I threw the covers off and growled, "That's it, I'll put on a bra.  I can't go around scaring those other kids."

MathMan had a solution for that.  "And that is why we should always say no to letting the kids' friends sleepover.  I guess I better put on some pants, too."

And then he went back to thinking about Calculus.  I'm sure of it.

What's your favorite body part?  Are you a face person?  Do you look at a person's hands first?  A butt aficionado?  Or is it the eyes?  How about the spleen?  I'm rather fond of venting mine........okay, your turn to talk.  I'm shutting up now.

25 comments:

  1. Okay, I do love a good breast fondle myself. Never get tired of it. Ever. In fact, I was almost calling to you over the blogosphere to get Mathman to get up, feed the cat, make the coffee and return to you (and the breasts) asap.

    B

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  2. I love my breats too, until I lost one of them in a tragic cancer incident. The replacement isn't nearly as much fun. I still have nice full lips and wrinkle-free eyes, even for an old broad.

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  3. I used to really like my abs, but then I went and had kids. Little shits.

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  4. I've never liked my breastesess, although, in theory, they used to be pretty cool. . . . Now, I like shoulders and hands.

    Other people's. Men's.

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  5. Boobs rule. My stepsister calls hers thing one and thing two. I've got the more than a handful is wasted kind which is just fine with me and Mr. Physics Man.

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  6. So is that a rate of change in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

    Butt eye am afraid I don't have one, so answering would make me a boob without getting a leg up on the competition.

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  7. High. Larious. My husband is clearly a butt man but this post just sounds strikingly familiar. :D

    I love my waist and my hands and my mouth. And, this is gonna sound weird, but my father in law is also in love with my hands.

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  8. Best part? The part when she says "Yes".

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  9. I am very partial to my clitoris ;~)

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  10. As long as the name of the boobs are not taken in vain, MathMan's alright.

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  11. I swear, it's like the pair of them are a third person in the relationship.

    Actually they are the third and fourth persons. They have you outnumbered two to one. ;-)

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  12. When I saw my first random nipple hair I figured it was the pregnancy hormones. Thirteen years later, and WTF?

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  13. Thank goodness I can always drop by your place for a dose of hilarity. Personally, I'm fondest of my hands and what Liberality said. There have been times when all three played in perfect harmony :-)

    ..she said while sitting on the living room floor directly connected to her cable while waiting for couch, lamp and wi-fi. A week ago she thought she might have to go live in a motel so will now bend over to kiss carpet again.

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  14. My husband is constitutionally unable to keep his hands off my ass. He keeps trying to remove the 'exit only' sign but it will be a cold day in hell before that happens.

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  15. There isn't a part of my wife I don't fondle. Her feet, hands, arms, legs, belly, back, shoulders, breasts, vagina - it's open season until she says, "OK, I'm overstimulated right now." My wife has an awesome body, at 42 it's even more fun than at 25. Familiarity doesn't breed contempt, just a greater fondness for all the little details.

    I'm particularly happy with my general physique right now, since at nearly 45 I'm in better physical condition than I was even as a high school athlete. It's those eight-hour work days on my feet, lifting, pulling, toting, that have done it.

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  16. You know, when I had my pregnancy and nursing boobs, I wore bras all the time, even to sleep. They just weighed too much. I hated the feeling of them flopping around - maybe because I just wasn't used to anything jiggling around those parts.

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  17. Well I just parted a long, witty, bawdy response and your prude comment thingie ate it.

    Thank Gawd.

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  18. That would be "posted."

    In the figurative sense.

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  19. I have to vote with the majority here, and I can say I got quite lucky in that department. Curvy is definitely better, in my opinion.

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  20. "Butts are us" is my opinion. Particularly on the male half of the species. I've been known to slowly follow behind a group of French bicyclists....just for the tight, muscular, oh so touchable if only I had the balls...view. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost the top half of my already miniscule mammaries. However, a tweek now and then would be welcome. A man-handling even more welcome. Alas, I'll have to content myself with admiring biker butts from afar.

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  21. OMG...I've never had a hair on my boobs! I turned 40 this year, so am I safe? Or is this something that happens as I get older? I had no idea this even happened. I'm terrified now.

    Husband loves my rack and my butt...I'm curvy.
    I personally think my hair is my best feature.

    What I love most on men? Intelligence and wit.
    As far as appearance? A great smile and/or eyes. Big blue eyes with long eyelashes and I am putty.

    Okay...I'm not really here. I just had to sneak in to say hello. :) I needed a dose of your humor. Now back to revision hell I go.

    *sneaks out on tiptoes all ninja-like* *pulls the plug from the outlet*

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  22. Great post! (Of course!) But I'm a pinky toe man myself. There's nothing like seeing a sexy pinky toe in the morning. Those other toes can just kiss my ass! They only wish they had the power of the pinky. PLUS, you can wear open-toed shoes and really give a show. Sometimes when I'm alone I fondle my OWN pinky toe (don't judge). To most it is a very underrated appendage but I give it all of the proper respect that it deserves.

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  23. My DH is definitely a boob man and I suppose that is my best feature. I used to like other features of my body before they all became too outsized or flabby!

    I've had that hair problem for years...should really have gotten electrolysis instead of plucking!

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And then you say....

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