Friday, October 22, 2010

Sh#t My Mom Says

My mom shocked me with the news that she takes the occasional break from watching Lifetime Channel Movie Originals to watch Shit My Dad Says on CBS.  When she said it, of course, she called it "Bleep My Dad Says."

I am amused by this.  I tell her that I follow Shit My Dad Says on Twitter, following up with the obligatory question, "You do know what Twitter is, don't you?"

My parents haven't had a computer since 2003ish.  I honestly don't know how they survive, but far be it for me to ask. I am happy to not have my mother as a friend on Facebook.  All I need is for her to find her way to this blog.  Who among my siblings has been bequeathed the Carnival Glass set would become an issue much sooner than necessary.

Mother takes on a snappish tone regarding Twitter.  "I have a vague idea.  Yes.  And?"

It's just like being fourteen all over again and trying to explain why I want to go to a Black Sabbath concert.

"Well, when the kids and I were visiting you and Dad last March, I actually sent out a tweet that pretty much said that if you kept it up, I could start my own Shit My Mom Says."  I indulged in a self-satisfied chuckle.

"Mmmmhmmmm." Now she's snappish and unimpressed.

"I believe we have a double standard here."

She sighed.  I had to learn it from somewhere, right?  "What double standard?"

"Well, why is it funny to watch it on a TV show, but you don't find me amusing at all?"

It's just like being three again and trying to make her laugh by reciting dialog from Days of Our Lives.

"Well, what did I say that was funny enough to rival William Shatner?  I'm not funny."  Now she's name-dropping? But at least I have her attention.

"Remember when we were at Frisch's having lunch and Dad was telling the kids about the huge snowstorm?He asked you to confirm the record level and you just sighed and said 'I don't know, Paul.  I'm not the record keeper.'  Do you remember that?" My voice had raised an octave.

I think she giggled.  "Oh that.  Was that funny?"

"Yes, it was funny. Your delivery was funny.  The kids and I still laugh about it."

"Well.  I don't know."  Was her tone softening a bit?

"And then we were driving somewhere and you made a sound and I asked if you were okay and you said 'Yeah, I just make noises sometimes.'  The kids and I nearly peed ourselves laughing at that."

Did she just laugh a little?  "I do make noises."

"So okay then, that's funny.  It's low-brow, but it's funny."

"But I'm no William Shatner."

"No one is Shatner.  And you do understand that Shatner wasn't the inspiration for that show, right?  Besides, he has a team of writers writing those jokes."

"Well, I can't afford joke writers."

"Mom?"  Oh dear.

"And don't you go sending out any more tweets with cuss words.  People will think you're trash."

It's like being in first grade again when I got in trouble for saying poop on the school bus.

"You don't cuss on your blog do you?"

"Of course not.  By the way, you aren't thinking of buying a computer are you?"

It's like being seventeen and hiding the Mr. Boston Screwdriver in my closet.


  1. I love that you got in trouble for saying poop!

  2. "Well, I can't afford joke writers." CLASSIC!!!

    1. That's the line that got me, too. BTW, Lisa, I've said it before and I'll say it again: if she finds this sh#t, you're SCREWED.

  3. Tell your mom, William Shatner and Betty White are now dating and they hope to have children. No, better not, that's just too frightening.

  4. That's great! This whole thing made me smile.

  5. "Well, I can't afford joke writers." He he!

    She and her little noises are too cute. :)

    Have a fantastic weekend, love.

  6. Oh my god, I'm dying. You need some sort of kill switch for your blog. Tell MathMan, "If anything should happen to me, press this shiny red button."

    The blog will disappear and your secret, shameful past will be erased.

  7. Haha, amazing how parents always can make us feel like kids, no matter how old we get (or at least I think that's how it works. I haven't really gotten all that far in getting old yet, but I'm working on it).

    Sounds like your mom doesn't actually need any joke writers...

  8. Poop, that was funny!

    Your mom can come back anytime.

    The Middle Ages

  9. I love that the title of the post in which your mother wants reassurances there is not cussing has shit in it. And thankfully, we all know the # does not make it not as cuss word as much as we know cussing no longer makes a woman trashy... not that there's anything wrong with that (being trashy).

    Love you.

  10. It's so hard to imagine living without a computer!

    She's a cutie one.

  11. Perhaps our mothers were twins separated at birth :-)
    This was a very funny read. Thanks for starting my day with a smile.

  12. High. Larious. !
    And here I am still upset that my 66yo is taking "a break" from Facebook. When he disabled his page, all me and my sisters' comment threads got raped and now make none of the sense.

  13. I'm telling you, I'm telling you!

    Well told, funny vignettes. :-)

  14. I think she's playing you for a sucker. Did she really call a Tweet a Tweet? So she knew that "tweet" is the word for a post to Twitter? I bet she's sitting on her couch right now, hooked up to WiFi, reading every word of this sh#t. God help you.

  15. *falls over* My GAWD, i would die if my mother tried to friend me on facebook. My stepdad has an account and is friends with my kids and my mom occasionally gets on and lectures my daughter about what she says... MY RULE? You can swear, or you can use misspelling/bad grammar. not both in the same post. Ever. Or I will show up and say something embarrassing or post the picture of her at two in the tub and tag her...

    My mom has some wonderful, generous qualities, but she has NO sense of humor. I think you're pretty lucky yours does. (I totally would have friended my grandma--and she would have followed my blog and told me all the time how clever I was. In my family it just skips a generation.

  16. Great read ! Just what I needed after watching The Yankees lose !

  17. lisa, there is something very sweet about this post....and that photo at the bottom tells me you know's about an aging relationship with someone you are very close, it's best and worst is in the mother/daughter relationship i think...thank you for sharing this, it made me smile in your portrayal of her and yourself,a relationship that endures, whether you want it to or not :)

  18. My mom could not figure out a way to read my blog even if I pulled it up for her and left her sitting in front of the computer. I swear. She doesn't even get the operation of a mouse or a scroll bar or a link. So I guess I, too, am safe for now.

    But my mom wants to read my book and I wouldn't mind but everytime she reads anything I write she says, "No, it didn't happen quite like that," like I'm some kind of friggin' documentarian and was running around with a camera crew in the 60s...

  19. My mom subscribed to my blog via email until I wrote a Woodstock anniversary piece that favorably compared the crowd to early Christians. (The sharing of resources, the peaceful community, etc.) The phone rang. "Cancel our subscription," she said. "Your father can't take it!" I'm guessing Dad never saw it. She hides behind him for things like this.

    As for Facebook, she thinks it's would be a silly waste of time. I encourage her to believe that--in part for my comfort, in part because she's probably right.

  20. This is great! Like Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List": her mom providing the laughs. :-D

  21. I love your mom. I also second the comparison to Kathy Griffin's mom.

    Read her book; I think you'd enjoy it.

  22. Your Mom and mine are twins separated by years and miles. My mother is actually humorless - one of those rare people who have little to no sense of humor - and for that very reason is quite funny without either intending or realizing it.

    "I make noises sometimes" isn't low-brow. It's just funny. God bless her.

    My mom has scolded me for using bad words, and I just shrug.

  23. Aw, hell. Now I know how to get you in trouble: buy your mom a computer! HA!

    My mom and dad have a computer and Dad is always telling me I shouldn't cuss. He who taught me just about every cuss word there is to know. Whatev, daddy-o.

    Your mom does sound hilarious.

  24. I just LOVED your blog...I'm laughing because I think most daughters can identify with you...I also loved the two previous blogs about your much fun to read...and your kids are beautiful! :)

  25. We could all learn from being able to see ourselves as others do. :-)

  26. My mum could barely work the electric can-opener, let alone a computer. Oh well.

  27. LOL! Oh, Lisa, that is too too funny. Your Mom does say funny crap...oh, would I be in trouble with her for saying "crap" on the internet? *hee hee*

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  29. "funny enough to rival William Shatner?"

    Ha! Now that is funny!

    Great story!

    Your mom sounds like a wonderful person! The unintentionally funny are always the funniest.

  30. There is a point in life where you just don't care what you say. It can come off as funny or just plain cranky. I think I'm coming closer to cranky. But my body is starting to make funny noises too!

  31. I totally get this tension. Perfect.

  32. I follow Shit My Dad Says on Twitter too. Justin is pretty funny. And, so is YOUR mom! HA! "Im no William Shatner" ...... ahahahhahahah


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