Friday, October 22, 2010
Sh#t My Mom Says
My mom shocked me with the news that she takes the occasional break from watching Lifetime Channel Movie Originals to watch Shit My Dad Says on CBS. When she said it, of course, she called it "Bleep My Dad Says."
I am amused by this. I tell her that I follow Shit My Dad Says on Twitter, following up with the obligatory question, "You do know what Twitter is, don't you?"
My parents haven't had a computer since 2003ish. I honestly don't know how they survive, but far be it for me to ask. I am happy to not have my mother as a friend on Facebook. All I need is for her to find her way to this blog. Who among my siblings has been bequeathed the Carnival Glass set would become an issue much sooner than necessary.
Mother takes on a snappish tone regarding Twitter. "I have a vague idea. Yes. And?"
It's just like being fourteen all over again and trying to explain why I want to go to a Black Sabbath concert.
"Well, when the kids and I were visiting you and Dad last March, I actually sent out a tweet that pretty much said that if you kept it up, I could start my own Shit My Mom Says." I indulged in a self-satisfied chuckle.
"Mmmmhmmmm." Now she's snappish and unimpressed.
"I believe we have a double standard here."
She sighed. I had to learn it from somewhere, right? "What double standard?"
"Well, why is it funny to watch it on a TV show, but you don't find me amusing at all?"
It's just like being three again and trying to make her laugh by reciting dialog from Days of Our Lives.
"Well, what did I say that was funny enough to rival William Shatner? I'm not funny." Now she's name-dropping? But at least I have her attention.
"Remember when we were at Frisch's having lunch and Dad was telling the kids about the huge snowstorm?He asked you to confirm the record level and you just sighed and said 'I don't know, Paul. I'm not the record keeper.' Do you remember that?" My voice had raised an octave.
I think she giggled. "Oh that. Was that funny?"
"Yes, it was funny. Your delivery was funny. The kids and I still laugh about it."
"Well. I don't know." Was her tone softening a bit?
"And then we were driving somewhere and you made a sound and I asked if you were okay and you said 'Yeah, I just make noises sometimes.' The kids and I nearly peed ourselves laughing at that."
Did she just laugh a little? "I do make noises."
"So okay then, that's funny. It's low-brow, but it's funny."
"But I'm no William Shatner."
"No one is Shatner. And you do understand that Shatner wasn't the inspiration for that show, right? Besides, he has a team of writers writing those jokes."
"Well, I can't afford joke writers."
"Mom?" Oh dear.
"And don't you go sending out any more tweets with cuss words. People will think you're trash."
It's like being in first grade again when I got in trouble for saying poop on the school bus.
"You don't cuss on your blog do you?"
"Of course not. By the way, you aren't thinking of buying a computer are you?"
It's like being seventeen and hiding the Mr. Boston Screwdriver in my closet.