Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Palate Cleanser: It Could Be Worse, It Could Be Raining

Source: Moonlitkitchen
Thank you all for the comments yesterday.  I know that it can be difficult to read that kind of post, but as several of you pointed out - it's important to put a human face on this process. I wanted to tell the stories of the other people we encountered that day because while our situations were different, there was a common thread. Your compassionate responses speak well of you.  I'm honored that you come here and read.

Today I'm in the mood for a palate cleanser.  Something a bit lighter.  Once again, the internet comes to the rescue. Let us tumble down the rabbit hole.....

One of the most egregious results of how our media now operates is the gross oversimplification of very important information.  When your basic formula consists of three minutes to present a complex issue and get the spin from both sides of the political spectrum, it's a wonder we haven't devolved into a group of people who use a series of points and grunts to convey our simple thoughts.

I'm not going to contradict this trend.  It's quite convenient for me actually.  I find pointing and grunting to have a satisfying caveperson quality that meshes well with my days of isolation, sitting in front of my computer tapping out words until they no longer have meaning.  Whimpering as I hit the job search websites again, like a mini-skirted hooker waving down a Yugo because the Mercedes-Benzites don't come to this neighborhood no more.

Good thing I daubbed some Eau de Desperation behind my ears before I logged on.

But it could be worse.  It could be raining.  Who wants to be a hooker standing in the rain squinting into headlights trying to figure out which one is a Mercedes and which one is the Yugo?  Well, maybe the meth addict whose last tooth just fell out of her head and rolled down the storm drain wouldn't mind the rain, but this plain old hooker has slightly higher expectations.  She's gaining seniority on this stretch of the road.  Show some respect, Dick.

Where did I just take you?  I blame the Wonka Gobstoppers.  Damn fruity candy.  This kind of thing doesn't happen when I stick to chocolate.

Gobstoppers are to chocolate what meth is to crack?  Let's move on before we all find our teeth rotting and our will to live slipping down that storm drain.

Oh, and while I'm pointing and grunting and being nouveau caveLisa, the cats pretend they are saber toothed tigers.  Except for the youngest one.  You know which one I mean.  The climber.  She's a pterodactyl floating gracelessly through the air and breaking things.  Or they decide to be dinosaurs.  The old Tortie Daisy is a lumbering brontosaurus.  The two gray siblings do rock paper scissors to decide who will be TRex and who will be the Triceratops.  The big fluffy tabby always has to be a woolly mammoth although he's not fond of the tusks I've fashioned out of bendy straws taped to a headband.

Inevitably, we fall into debating whether cavepeople lived at the same time as the dinosaurs. There are accusations about secret donations to the Creation Museum in Kentucky.  Because we are a passionate lot, tears are shed before cooler heads prevail and we agree to disagree.  While they go back to napping, I use google to find proof that the truth really lies in Greek myth.  We all sprang from Zeus's head.  I'm pretty sure it might involve kinky sex with a pomegranate in a boat crossing the River Styx resulting in George Washington wearing a long, flowing wig emerging from an oyster shell.  I can't decide what I believe, but I know those cats are wrong.  Dead wrong.

Speaking of google, let's get back to the oversimplification.  Last night, I looked at the search terms that bring people to this blog and found something interesting and definitely in need of oversimplification.  What did I discover?

Well, there are a lot of people who either wonder about their ability to care about humanity or who are fans of  the new Sherlock on PBS and were struck just like I was by the line "I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research."  I loved that line in the first episode of the show.  I loved the idea that the sociopath, albeit self-identified and high-functioning, had enough self-awareness to deliver that line.

That's the kind of character I long to create.  I'm not there, but the characters in my new novel have come to life and I'm liking them. Okay, maybe I'm loving them, but I'm not loving them so much that I can't do horrible things to them. Their lives are about to turn upside down.  Like some sick god or maybe my younger self with Barbie and Ken or a high-functioning sociopath, I'm enjoying the lead up to the disaster that's about to befall my characters and make them wish they'd never been typed into existence.

As for those people who came looking for xhamster glory hols and unwraping private parts, well, they're going to be disappointed.  However, for research purposes, I'm noting that when people are looking for porn, they don't spell so well.

Or should I oversimplify it thus:  People who google for porn don't know how to spell.

Perhaps I won't disappoint those wondering about "was feeling bloated" fart gas, fat, fat the water rat and definitely that screeching in their ears.  For that I apologize.  My family has been begging me to stop causing that for years.

The simple conclusion I reach about the sociopath searches is this:  Watch your backs, people. Trust no one  and watch your backs.

Have you checked your stats lately?  I mean your blog stats, your business stats, your fantasy football team stats, your vital stats.  Have you found patterns - disturbing or otherwise?  Can you name the movies that are quoted here?  Would you like a Gobstopper? 


  1. Oh Lisa! I am cracking up over the whole "meth-addict hooker standing in the rain trying to spot the Mercedes" thing-y. That was hilarious.

    I have NO IDEA what kind of searches bring people to my blog, and I'm not too sure if I want to find out!

  2. You crack me up, Lisa. Actually, that line of Sherlock's made me *get* him a whole lot better -- and like him more. Not sure I'd like to know what that says about me. ;)

    Reading your essay and search terms made me go and check mine out for the first time in forever (when you take a two-month blog hiatus, expect your stats to be on a depressing how-low-can-we-go quest). Sadly, no funny searches to speak of, only things like "how to grow carrots," "jalapeno pollination," "bell pepper allergy," "American robin migration," "build your own pea fences," and the ever-popular "patience, young grasshopper."

  3. I never check my stats. Not blog stats or vital stats or even my weight – who needs to be bummed out like that?

    I love your blog. Also, gobstoppers.

  4. I've been reading the Holmes stories each night. Amazing stuff there. Have you checked them out? There's a reason Conan Doyle endures. The new series does some very clever things to update the original goodness. Those books should be mandatory reading for all writers.

    From one sociopath to another, I salute you, Lisa.

  5. Just a thought, the guy with the Yugo may still have some money while the guy with the Mercedes is broke and looking for a freebie.

    Tried looking at my stats once, but it didn't tell me much and for sure didn't tell me what google search they used. Then again, I don't know much about confusers.

  6. Andrew subscribed to Sherlock on iTunes so we can watch it in the land of no TV. Your questions inspired me to check my stats. The most interesting search was for "crazy Southern church," which I thought was near about all of them.

  7. Hey, we tried subscribing to Sherlock on iTunes but it wasn't available. I wonder how Summer Skeeter managed it?

  8. Silicone chip inside your head? You can't fit a fake boobie inside there!

    Everlasting gobstoppers, hell, they still make those?

  9. You need to learn to spread the goodness around. You can't have all of it in one post. And this post of full of it!

  10. No Gobstoppers for me -- I can't afford the dental work!

    I haven't checked my stats for a while ... but I do know one thing: I get a zillion hits from "pierre trudeau pirouette". Pierre Trudeau was Canada's prime minister from 1968 - 1984 (with a brief Tory blip in there somewhere), and he once pirouetted behind the Queen at a state function. Talk about sass!

    You're no sociopath. They're springing up all over the place, it seems ... sociopathy being egged on by the overriding culture ... I've come to think that in order to function in the shark-eat-shark world of the world's corporate overlords, the only adaptation that gets the goods these days is to rip out your own heart and go for blood.

    Screw that!

    Sending you huge love xoxoxoxoxoxo ... and a big WOW for your imaginative powers ... I can't wait to read your novel! Write on!!!

  11. I'm set to be unsearched, which is probably for the best.

    I seem to recall that one of the things that contributed to Real Live Preacher realizing he was not as secret as he thought was a search string of 4 words, one of which was 'fucktard.'

  12. Whimpering as I hit the job search websites again, like a mini-skirted hooker waving down a Yugo because the Mercedes-Benzites don't come to this neighborhood no more.

    That is one of your CLASSIC lines. lol long time

  13. What happened was, I forget your blog's web address. So, I thought, "How could I find Lisa?" Xhamster... that's the ticket...

  14. I like the red ones the best..Who am I kidding, I like all of them, so I stay away from those things.

    I'm with you on the whimpering and the job sites - although a hooker is too young a visual for me, more like a bag lady here.

  15. "luminiferous ether suzy grindrod"? Como se what?

    (Total sidenote: I looked at the Mpls paper job section this week. Um, YEAH. Even the Yugos are scarce around these parts.)

  16. *giggles* Boy do I have a religion for you! Would you like to join Digressionism? We're a friendly, tolerant bunch and have lots of fun. Looks like you are already practicing--might as well get the sticker for your window.

    I went and looked at my stats, and they are not nearly as pretty or interesting as yours--my all time number one search that brings people to me is Oreos... which might seem innocent enough, except that I happen to believe Nabisco is run by SATAN (or worse, the Bush family), but I'm pretty sure I've never BLOGGED about that. It's all very confusing...


And then you say....

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