Wednesday, December 22, 2010

When it's time to change, you've gotta rearrange

It looks like slacking, doesn't it?  I write a decent post with some great material and then what? I rest on my laurels, raking in the laughs, gloating over my use of the word splendid, basking in the glow of compliments.  But if you scratch the surface of a hack like me, you'll find something else.  Performance anxiety.  So that funny post that nearly wrote itself?  How do I top that?

I don't.  I ignore Blogger and instead open all kinds of other websites - the bank account to see if the jackpot of unemployment checks has started to roll back in (it hasn't), three different email accounts where I delete most of the emails and neglect others, Facebook where I continue to mock the lack of creativity that exhibits itself with shocking regularity (bitchy!), Twitter where I get my political rage on, lots of blogs where I read and try to leave at least a speck of coherence in my comments (except for at Freida Bee's because she knows me well enough to not expect coherence), congratulating friends who've received a publishing contract, googling recipes and shopping the AT&T website for hours as I finally decided to use an upgrade to replace my old phone that is dropping more calls than it's maintaining.

I'm pleased to sanctimoniously report that I went with a" free" phone that won't add any fees to our phone bill.  I don't want anyone to think that this Welfare Queen will be texting away on some Cadillac smartphone.  Be sure to tell your Republican Congressjerks who are still out there running their mouths about how the unemployed are the problem. Ho ho ho.

All of this is predicated on whether or not our bandwidth is available.  Too many devices in this house requiring it these days, dang it, so much of my time has actually been spent reading books and another special project that I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you about so I'll just stop right there.

MathMan has been coaching basketball which leaves me to manage, with my usual ambivalence, the children who are already on break.

Sophie spends most of her time lying on her back in front of some Disney Channel program while ignoring my pleas to sit up while she eats Doritos because I refuse to administer mouth to mouth to her Dorito breath when she finally chokes.  I don't care if it is Cool Ranch. She's also participating in a round robin of sixth grade sleepovers.  I dread the day when it's our turn.  I do so hope the girls will enjoy the game I have planned for them.  Help Mrs. Golden Rearrange the Stuff in the Garage should prove to be a big hit.  Especially with the soundtrack including Katy Perry and Justin Beiber.

Nathan has gone to some of MathMan's games, but when he's home, he's pretty much lying around conserving his energy for I don't know what and, frankly, after his busy semester of a heavy class load (Latin?), baseball workouts, and a long daily commute, I don't care as long as he's not underfoot or being escorted home by the police.  The truth is, he's been hanging out with me and just talking.  At the risk of blowing my bitchmom cred, it's been quite nice.

Chloe must have learned her lesson.  She's gone out with friends a couple of times since the Malt Liquor Incident of 2010 and hasn't been sick since.  While writing about how she and Nate shared some hot chocolate in the middle of the night is sweet, it's not nearly as engaging as the other post, is it?  Other than that, she's been slinging barbecue at the place down the street and irritating her siblings by taking up space on the sofa as she hogs the TV catching up on the British murder mysteries I have on the DVR.

The tree is up, nary a game of Canasta has been played, I still have to find out which Chinese restaurant will be open on Christmas Day and if I've said it once, I've said it twenty times in the last three days, I really should call my parents and say hello.  Sometimes I wish they had a computer so that they could just follow me on Twitter and be my friend on Facebook to keep up with what's going on around here and vice versa.  That's a lie. If my mother read this blog, I'd be grounded.  Forever.  And probably into the next life, too.

Finally, the cats are always hungry.  But I read in Cat Fancy (got the subscription with some frequent flyer miles that were about to expire, tell your Congressjerks, no Fancy subscriptions for this Welfare Queen) that cats are like humans.  They want to eat when they're bored.  So I've done what has been so effective with the kids.  When the cats complain, I tell them I'll give them something to do if they're bored.  That usually fixes it.  They know "something" typically involves bleach and rubber gloves.

Also, did you know Peter Brady is a cat lover?  He is.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I look down and there he is smiling up at me from the cover of Cat Fancy. I piddle and think pork chops, applesauce and pussy.  So wholesome.

Okay, I've got to go. I'm going to watch the President sign the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

So now you're all caught up.  Catch me up.  Are you ready for the holidays? Are you in denial?  Would you rather wing it to some warm place and pretend the holidays are over? What's your favorite Peter Brady moment?


  1. I am planning...not much for the next four days.

    Work One Day - then not much until January 3rd.

    I will swing by the blog and tweet at you!

    p.s. the Chinese restaurant in our neighborhood closes for a whole week in August.

  2. Well thanks a lot! In our house, we never have pork chops without uttering "pork chops and applesauce" and now I can add "and pussy". That will actually go over quite well!

  3. Motherfuck, now I'm going to have that 'pork chops and applesauce' in my head all goddamn day. You've ruined Christmas!

  4. Best wishes to you, Lisa.
    Not much of a holiday for me, as a grouchy old bachelor. Small potluck with a few other old grumps, but there will be sufficient amounts of alcohol and football, so we'll be "cheerful" enough.
    Again, all the best to you and your family.

  5. Hi, dear. Since you asked … After declaring a moratorium on Xmas baking for many years, this year something has come over me and I'm making *gasp* cookie plates for the neighbors and Ed's bosses (who I've discovered can be bought with cookies. Hmmm. Should he also ask for that raise this week?) I have a sweater to finish, and thought I might just go to my sewing area (which unfortunately also doubles as the cat barf area) and make some placemats for my mother-in-law as well. Maybe she'll write a poem about it. Anna's boyfriend -- the Canadian lad that she met in Ireland last spring -- is flying in tomorrow, so that will make things a little different and hopefully fun. Merry Christmas, Lisa!

  6. Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine :) have a great day!

  7. Yeah, it was porkchops and applesauce. awful that show really was, and I suspect I saw all the episodes. I hate myself! LOL

    Christmas is prepared for, but we don't do much. Ham and a potato casserole, some leftover dressing and cranberry sauce, you know, that kinda thing.

    Didn't do much baking or decorating. A little. Mostly laying back and relaxing!

    Best to you and yours Lisa. Have a nice day of it.

  8. my favorite peter brady moment? there's too many to list here.

    the part in your post about having sophie's friends help with the garage organizing reminded me of the parents of my best friend. Every Saturday at 8:00 everyone in the house (no matter who slept over) had to be up and ready to: a.) help wash cars on the warm-enough Saturdays; or, b.) carry wood into the basement for their wood burning stove on the too-cold Saturdays. It was a perfect rouse to keep the number teenagers in their house on Saturday mornings at a minimum.

  9. I invited my college age kid to *go dental*, that is have a dentist appt before school resumes in Jan.
    He fussed some & toyed w "scheduling the appt later", but I kicked my Mom nag mode into high gear. You'll have more time once school is in session? Besides you now have health ins (because of the new health care rule)... better use it before it gets repealed. Even played the "Teeth: Ignore them & they will go away" card.

    Fast forward to yesterday's appt... turns out he has NINE things that need to be done to the tune of over $2000 bucks!
    They scheduled a 3 hour appt for next week (a kind of X mas miracle in & of itself)... so he can use his new insurance & max out the 2010 allotment, knock out 5 items, then come back in 2011 & use up the year's max limit to finish up the remaining 4 items.

    So now I feel some redeeming pride in my maternal nagging skills.

    As for the older kid, just married in Nov... even though I taught him to write thank you notes to gift givers as a kid... apparently GenX'ers are not so keen on the art of thank you.
    We burned a week of vacation, flew cross country, got stuck in the Denver airport for 10 hours, gave gifts, did hotels & a rental car so as to not ask them for any assistance, there was formal wear involved, which we shipped ahead so the airlines did not have the opportunity to lose the stuff. As Joe Biden would say "It was a big effin deal"

    I got a verbal thanks, and an email...
    but I think a for real thank you card is in order.
    I brought up the topic w friends recently & struck a nerve with other Moms who had a lot to say about it.
    My friend's son took 4 months to send thank you's after his wedding. She said friends were asking her if the couple had received the gifts they gave. Another lady lamented she always sends gifts to the grandkids, and never hears back.
    Turns out proper etiquette is sending thank you's 2 weeks after the wedding.
    Another friend said they gave a generous check & cookware & heard *nothing*. So *nothing* is what they will be getting in the future.

    I always told my kids if someone takes the time to think of you & give a gift, then you need to write a thank you note. Even if you don't like the gift. Be thankful the giver thought of you.

    I'm old school that way. It seems rude to not even acknowledge having received the gift.

    So I am contemplating adopting a new policy in 2011. I'll send more gifts after I get a thank you for the gifts I already gave.
    Is it proper etiquette to make that announcement formal?

    Otherwise, we put up a tree w lights (ornaments = more work), slapped up some glistening snowflake lights in the front picture window inside (won't find me on a ladder putting up rooftop light displays).

    Going to try my hand at making pumpkin bread (from a boxed mix... Betty crocker I am not).

    I got my merry on by virtue of having a few vacation days I tied in with holidays & weekend days for 8 glorious days off the corporate grid.
    This is a work schedule I could love.
    8 days off. Work 1 day. 2 days off. Work one short day closing a few hours early for new Year's eve, have the next day off. Niiiiice!
    Meanwhile the husband is stuck in the corporate grind, so many demands- think constant chaos w a never ending line of people who needed things yesterday, & the stuff from engineering is not yet done. Not a special circumstance.... an ongoing scenario.
    He has a right to have a bah humbug outlook, but does his best to be in a better mood @ home.
    We are not going anywhere... maybe drive a few carloads of stuff to get the kid moved back in the student housing co op, before the year's end. More of a heave-ho than Ho ho ho ... ya know?

  10. Mr. R has the week off between Christmas and New Years. I, of course, have had the time off since last Christmas (sorry, bad unemployed joke). It has been raining cats and dogs here and we are both hoping the weather stays bad so that we have an excuse to hunker in and hide from the world. Lots of football, movies, wine and poultry. Hope you and your family enjoy whatever you do. Love your post today (and every day). Merry, merry and ho,ho,ho!

  11. Are you ready for the holidays?
    Not even a little!

    Are you in denial?

    Would you rather wing it to some warm place and pretend the holidays are over?

    Nah, I'm actually looking forward to seeing my crazy family in action.

  12. "Pork chops, applesauce and pussy"...LOL! :) I can just picture it...and it's just a little bit frightening! :)

    And YAY on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell! :)

    Happy Holidays, Mrs. "The Female Iwanski"! *grin*

  13. "I don't care if it is Cool Ranch."

    This is why I love you. And thank you for the shout out!

  14. Ok, I loved when Peter's voice changed, and I really was much hotter for Peter than Greg.
    I'm ready, we've cut back on what we spent, but damn if that tree doesn't look loaded down with packages. Maybe I am in denial.
    It was 75 today, so it's hard to feel really in the spirit, but I'm not complaining.

  15. You man it isn't over yet? I thought it was sometime last week or the week before.

  16. I'm so happy being on US soil and my son being out of the military that I haven't even thought about being stressed. Bring it on!

    Happy Holidays, Lisa!

  17. i am counting the minutes til it's over and don't care what anyone thinks about it...xox

  18. Thanks for the linky love. Yes, that is the pathetic place my once, slightly, pseudo political blog went, hell in a handbasket. Why? I ask. I can't write about the politics of anything other than my own life (barely) better than anyone else. We're all liberal over there. We know we're being let down, that corporations are running it all. What are we doing about it, maybe, in the meantime is more like it.

    Love you. Come let Momma hold you.

  19. Happy... Happy....have to go to the Ex's and drag Boy Wonder out of his hangover. Then, travel, travel, travails!

    Alla best to the Goldens!

  20. *falls over* Pork chops, apple sauce and pussy... Nice. Son thinks I'm strange because I am snorting at my computer. Your kids sound happy and adjusted... for the moment... so enjoy it while you can.

  21. I haven't played Canasta in like ages and ages. In fact, I think I've forgotten how to play it. Will someone there teach me? Okay, I'm coming over for a visit, I'll bring some booze, and we'll play Canasta. Sounds like a plan, yes?

  22. :-) That was one of my mother's cures: Bored? I can find something for you to do!

    Merry Christmas, Lisa!


  23. We are eying Chinese for Christmas too. I just can't face making a dinner.

    I told my sisters when I started blogging because I got so sick of having to answer e-mails from all three of them and I DETEST talking on the phone....they read the blog once or twice and then (according to my google analytics) pretty much stopped, except to check in every few months to make sure that I am still behaving badly. But, if my mother were alive, I would be so dead. God...she would SPANK me for all that use of the word "fuck"...

  24. When my work pal Kim told me she planned to inoculate her children (7 and 10) against stranger danger by making them sit through the abduction segment of "The Lovely Bones" I said that seemed a bit harsh. I can remember when one had to sit through "Red Asphalt" to move on to behind-the-wheel training at my high school.

    So not that Chloe needs any further avoidant conditioning, I present.

  25. Ready, Santa. Weeks of preps, and the whole she-bang will be history in just hours... Once Christmas is over, it's fine with me if we move right on to spring. "Autumn turns to winter, and then winter turns to spring. It's not just the seasons, you know, it goes for everything."

    Yeah, that show poisoned all our brains.

  26. you are welcome to come here and be bored with me and Carlos - who in his own feline boredom manages to sleep around 21 hours a day and watch me shave part of the other three

    sorry - anyone with a cell phone is automatically a welfare queen

  27. Who's Peter Brady?

    I'm getting ready to cook a lovely meatloaf with the ground Black Angus beef I found in the used (reduced) meat department of my local Kroger. Last one I made was yummy. There will be green pepper and catsup involved so it's festive as well. I checked to see if that's spelled right since it looks odd, that catsup. But it is an acceptable spelling. Cheers darling. Give Doug a little something in my name. You know what he likes. love, Peggy.

  28. I swear I left a comment. Are you moderating comments these days? It contained no wit or wisdom. Oh well, Merry Fucking Xmas!

  29. Ho, Ho, Ho!
    Merry Christmas to all you cool cats and kute kittens!
    Ho, Ho, Ho!

  30. I just had to resort to Facebooking my brother because I don't know his home phone number! (I don't even know if he has one.)

    In other news, I got a new phone for Xmas -- also "free" with my existing contract, so husband pulled a fast one there. Am currently feeling a little overwhelmed by the new technology as I am not used to texting on a touch screen and am all thumbs. (ha ha, texting pun)

    Please tell me if the 6th graders like the garage game you've devised. I could try that one with my attic.

  31. Honey - you and I could take time-sucking to new levels! I will watch air rather than do something that has a looming deadline (making dinner, doing a post, getting dressed)...

    Glad to read your kick-ass writing, as usual!


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