Friday, January 7, 2011

Unemployment Diary: Cum on Feel the Zen

Yesterday somewhere in Northwest Georgia

5:00 p.m:. Sophie's birthday cake is cooling on a wire rack in the kitchen.
5:20, 5:30, get the picture:  Sophie asks when we can frost the cake.
6:00:  I check the cake. It has a small crack in the center. Damn. I should have cut off the hump on top before turning it over.
6:43:  Email from Barnes and Noble that Chloe's text book order can't be processed because the bank won't approve the charge.  Wonderful.
6:44 Check bank account online to see what's going on.  In the a.m. rec'd an NSF notice via email, but bank website hadn't been updated. Assumed the rent check was cashed before the unemployment deposit went in a day later than usual because of holiday.  Crap.  Account still not updated online.  UI deposit still not showing.
6:45 Do online inquiry with Dept. of Labor to see when money went in.
6:46  Inquiry comes back saying payment wasn't processed. I must report to the local Dept. of Labor. Well, that's not very helpful. What could be wrong?  I got a letter saying that I'd been put on 2nd tier benefits.  They'd deposited the money last week, including retroactive payment.  I checked in with the office on the 28th and there was no indication that a problem existed.  When I did the online certification on Sunday everything appeared to be fine.  There were no messages about a problem.
6:47  Dirty words, dirty words, curses and an oath said to the computer screen.  Yes, I know I shouldn't write checks until the money is in the account, but the system has always worked before.  How did I get to be such a fucking failure?
6:48  Text to MathMan  "Unemp. money not in. Bounced rent check, other problems.  Fuck."
6:49 Text from MathMan.  "What happened?"
6:50  Text to MathMan "Don't know. Call me later."
6:55  Sophie reports crack in cake via text message to me.  "Can u cum here? Cake cracked."  I reply.
"I know.  It's fixable.  Give me a second."
6:57  Yelling across the house now.  Me:  Phia, when you text, don't spell come C-U-M; Her:  Why not?  Me: Because that's not how you spell it. That means something else.  Her: What are you talking about?  Me: C-U-M means something different!  Her:  What does it mean?  Me: I don't want to say!  Her:  Oh mom!  Me:  Fine! It means like when a person ejaculates.  Do you know what that means?  Her:  I don't know.  Me:  It means jizz!  Do you know that word?  Her:  Gross, Mom! I can't believe you said jizz to your daughter who is about to turn twelve.  Me:  Well, you obviously know what that means.
7:01  Go to kitchen.  Cake now looks like the plates of the earth's surface.  Africa has completely separated from Europe."It's fixable!" I chirp as I grab the frosting.
7:20  The cake, devils food with cream cheese frosting. It's what Sophie wanted. Me:  We'll do a second coat of frosting before we decorate it. Hopefully, it will cover up this mess.  Her:  Okay. It's fine.  It's just a cake. Can I write my name in frosting on it later?  Me:  Sure.

Still fixable!
7:30  Dish Network flashes the Pay or Else message on the screen.  Fabulous. I'm going to have a houseful of girls from 4pm Friday until noon the next day and no cable.
7:31  If there's no Dish, we have DVDs, I remind myself.
Me:  Sophie, you know how to work the DVD player, right?
Sophie:  (eye roll) Of course.  Why?
Me:  Just wondering.
8:00ish Call from MathMan.  We discuss the unemployment issue.
Him:  Do you need my car tomorrow to get to the Dept. of Labor?  There's a basketball game so you'll have to pick up Nate and me late.
Me:  Thanks, but I can't do that. I'm going to have about eight twelve year old girls at the house for Sophie's sleepover.  I can't leave them alone.  I'll just have to call the DoL and hope that it can be resolved over the phone.  Plus I've got one mom who doesn't know me who is planning on stopping by to make sure we're a safe place for her daughter to hang out. Dang it, I knew I should have driven Chloe back to school and kept her car. But then we'd have a gasoline issue. There's no money for gas.
Him:  Oh. Yikes.
Me:  I don't blame her - the mom I mean, I just hope she doesn't want to stay too long.  She might not want to watch me get drunk.  Plus I was planning on having my boyfriends over since you weren't going to be home. Lars got his new bondage kit, you know. And get this.  When the mom asked my name and I told her, she said it sounded familiar, but we couldn't come up with how she might know me.
Him:  Let's hope she doesn't read your blog.
Me:  No shit, funny man.

And even after all that, I didn't turn to drink (the wine was gone), I didn't break anything, I didn't kick a cat, grind my teeth, call my mom, cry, swear, consume twice my weight in sugar or clean anything.  Instead I read blogs, took photos of cats, committed acts of jackassery on Facebook and even did some writing/revising.

How did I do it? You ask.

I reminded myself that twelve years ago I was in labor, shoveling out from a blizzard and looked like this...

Perspective, my friends, my darlings, my comrades, is a very powerful tool.


  1. hope you get everything sorted and happy birthday Sophie

  2. A happy birthday to Sophie, and a reminder that she should store up all these adventures for the sitcom she'll write in 20 years, assuming she doesn't waste it on a therapist. ;-)

    "Cum" is also a Latin word meaning "with" although the, er, jizztronauts would probably not admit knowing that.

  3. What a drag, I hope it all gets sorted out for you soon. And good luck with the birthday party!

  4. Lisa weer (yoor, actually) all crazee now.

    Wait, you & Chloe texted each other while in the same house, or can I simply not compreehend reeding or are you two actually nuts?

  5. Looks like Fridays at my house.

    How much do I love that you had to shout the words 'jizz' and 'ejaculate' from across the house? So, so much.

    Never a dull moment!

  6. Is there any cake left? (Happy birthday to Sophie!)

  7. I happily and totally believe women are smarter than men. The only problem with that view ... I do not understand why women say yes to being pregnant, especially more than once. Maybe being a dumb male isn't so bad after all.

  8. Perspective ... and extra frosting!

  9. You are handling it admirably!

    It is difficult to hang onto your mind when everything appears to be choas.

  10. Bwah-ha ha! You are awesome. Hope the DOL gets it sorted you hot mama! And I mean that, you are hot you know - in a "I'd smack you on the ass, but not in a lesbian way" hot.

    Have fun with the girls!

    p.s. I get a crapload of screaming kids at Chuck E. Cheese on Sunday if it makes you feel better.

  11. **hug**

    One doesn't see the word jizz in print often enough I always say.

  12. Funny--I told someone just the other day that writing helps me reexamine and often change my perspective.

    Of course wine does the same thing.

  13. Crap, Lisa. I hope it all gets worked out. And happy birthday to Sophie!

    Also, I'm waiting for the large box with air holes to arrive. :)

  14. well, you are brilliant. I think I had the same discussion, via text with the boy...

    and 'more frosting' fixes a load of problems.

    hope the DoL bullshit is fixed.

  15. How did I not know the term, "jackassery" before now? I will now use it in a sentence. I hope that the DoL desists its jackassery and gives you your money.

    Happy Birthday to Sophie!

  16. I hope that everything works out fast...I applaud your ability to deal with the are Woman and I hear you Roar! :) I hope Sophie has a great birthday...I remember looking just like you when I was expecting my son...I couldn't even tie my shoelaces...if I only knew that was the least of my problems! :) I love the color of the walls in that's my favorite! :)

  17. Happy Birthday, Sophie!

    Lisa, it was thirty years ago I looked the same way with my first daughter. Amazing how time flies!

    I hope that you get things settled with the DoL. When there is just one little glitch, it always seems to snow-ball. You'd think when there is a holiday involved, auto deposits should allow for that. God knows that we are expected to plan ahead. Companies should be expected to as well.

  18. I had to get off checking accounts and only have a savings now for just this reason. It didn't happen often, but when the bouncing happened, it always turned out bad. Much luck there!

    Happy Birthday, Sophie.

    I don't blow in the coping, but in the aftermath. Be gentle on yourself.

    (If english were at all logical, it would follow that cum:come :: luv:love, so this could help her on the SAT if you play it rightly. ;)

  19. I love you, baby. Both sides always. Tears and laughter, frustration and hope.
    xo B

  20. You all are so wonderful. Thanks for the encouragement! I'll pass along the birthday wishes to Sophia.

    Will, I cannot explain the pregnancy thing. It surely escapes me.

    LisaJ., as soon as her party is over, she's getting in the box.

    As for the Dept. of Laboriousness (I just realized the pun I made without thinking about it. Labor/labor. Doh!) They can't talk to me about it over the phone. 'Come in on Monday.' is their response.

    So guess what?

    I'm vacuuming. Try not to die of not surprise.

    Also, that photo! I don't know what's worse. The haircut, the distorted figure or that outfit. It's a melange of bad. But, jmj, I like those walls, too. They were very pretty.

    Thanks, again, y'all.

  21. i love you because you know what counts. that and the picture of pregnant you. (and more...but, for today, those things particularly).

  22. For what it's worth, the cake looks delicious. And thank you for giving her the lesson in how to spell "come." Very important.

    Do you mean the mother was going to drop by randomly and unexpectedly to check up on the girls? Or was she just going to stop in when she dropped her daughter off? If it's the former, I'd be a little irritated. I know parents need to be responsible about where they send their kids, but that sounds kind of overbearing...

  23. Perspective, really IS a very powerful tool! That and attitude!

  24. I'm awarding you honours summa cum laude for getting through that day and for this hilarious post.

  25. I think it's cute that you and Sophie text each other in the house. The cake looks delicious and you look great in the preggers pictures. Here's hoping the funds posted to the bank!

  26. Chin up.... our new Congress knows that we must get right to work on saving the bank accounts of our health insurance executives. If that means that you never get another job.... there's always collateral damage in the quest for the greater good, right?

  27. Wishing you nothing but the very best and a big happy birthday to Sophie!

    Sending positive vibes to you!

  28. Why is it the billing companies always take the money out on the exact day but the companies paying us are always late. Do I detect a pattern here?

    Happy Birthday to Sophie :-)

  29. The happiest of birthdays to Ms. Sophia, and the calmest of weekends to you and your family.

    Love you.

    PS. If it makes you feel any better, I have a photo of a very pregnant me wearing a LARGE, DARK PURPLE Muumuu type shirt. I'm 5'4". I look like frigging Grimace.

  30. Oh hell, your day sounded like you are a metal ball bouncing around in a pinball machine.
    Threatening notices coming from every which way & an eroding cake. Oh if only life could be mended like a cake & frosting!

    Well you have time to compose yourself between now & the required Monday DoL showdown, I mean meeting.
    Oh but the houseful of kids... lets hope the drop by Mom does not pull any white glove crap.
    Seriously lady-- if you are that worried how about you stay the night & supervise & I'm outta here.

    Hope they get their bureaucratic act together.
    Remember to breathe!

  31. Slim might not remember what apo, apere, epi, and aptum mean, but you can be damn sure he remembers the Latin definition of cum.

    Happy birthday to Sophia, and good luck with the party.


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