Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I had to test my dissatisfaction

So I wasn't satisfied to take on nature with just my foray into foliage maintenance last week. Which reminds me - you'll be pleased to know that since the three days I spent raking, blowing and plucking every last dry brown leaf off the property and into the brush in the way beyond, we've had a couple of big, windy, rainy storms pass through and now most of the Klingon oak leaves are on the lawn and it doesn't look like anyone has raked around here in ages.

Nature and control freaks do not mix well.

If last week was Lisa versus the Leaves, this week is like a rerun of Marlin Perkin's and his Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Funny, it hasn't been the bees in my bonnet either. Okay, not so funny. I don't find bees so funny. But bees and wasps and other stinging creatures aren't the issue. It appears that they like the gloom and cool weather as much as I do. I wonder if they're holed up in their little bee houses eating copious amounts of sweets and considering naps after a 2p.m. cocktail?

Anyway, this week, it's me versus the Animal Kingdom, Domestique. Dogs, cats, sugar ants. I still can't figure out how the sugar ants got onto the Igloo water cooler we use for our filtered H20, but finding them crawling on the surface made damn sure that I'd be launched into some exhausting project to cure the situation.  A half hour later, the place where the cooler sat empty and wiped down (with vinegar, of course) and the refrigerator had been rearranged and washed out so that I could move the shelves to accommodate the eighteen inch chubby red plastic monstrosity.

Truth is, I really hated how the cooler looked sitting on the counter, so thank you, ants. You gave me a reason to fix the situation.

Other domestic disturbances include two - no three cats - a fourth if you consider the new feral kitty I've been feeding because I'm a sap for poofs who ask nicely and a dog.  Sorry about that sentence structure.

So the first cat at issue is Morris, aka The Butterscotch Lion aka The Fluffball of Love. He's not so fluffball anymore because he discovered what happens when he drags his dirty ass across my carpet. If he's not groomed often, clumps of poo get matted and ick!

I spent Saturday evening locked in battle with him, my only weapons a pair of scissors and a bad attitude. That was not how I intended to spend Saturday evening and I made sure everyone knew it. At one point I shouted to MathMan through the bathroom door that I need one of those wooden thingies sheep farmers use when they shear their sheep. It could double for some kinky sex, too. MathMan was appropriately amused, thank goodness, and you know he's going to hold me to the kinky sex part, right? Anyway, I've created a search on eBay for a small shearing platform. Will keep you posted.

The second cat at issue is Tiger. All the sudden, he's Mama's Boy. This cat is on top of me, breathing my air, killing me softly with his purring. In all our married years, MathMan and I let only one animal sleep with us (if you don't count the children) - a cat named Phoebe. That was before Chloe was born nearly twenty years ago (I'm trying to get used to saying that.). Phoebe loved me, too, and liked to show me by snogging and drooling on my neck. It was beyond gross, but just like now, I was ridiculously accommodating. One night while I was pregnant with Chloe, I dreamed that instead of a precious baby, I gave birth to a litter of kittens. I woke up panicked and panting to find Phoebe asleep on my swollen belly. It was then that animals not of my own making were banished from the bedroom.

Tiger rattles the doorknob and fusses until I relent and let him in. After a few minutes kneading, I'm ready in his opinion and we can settle in to sleep. I turn over on my side and spoon with MathMan and Tiger spoons me. It's much more wholesome than it sounds.

The third cat causing difficulties is whichever one high stepped it across my laptop keyboard yesterday after I dashed out of the house without shutting my computer, as is my custom. She (I'm looking at you, Fiona) hit just the right combination of keys to make something print and the printer jammed and although MathMan was able to get the offending sliver of paper out of the printer (who knew it opened up on the back?), I have yet to work the magic to make the printer go back online. Why in the devil, in the year 2011, does anyone need to print anyway, you ask?  Coupons, of course!

Finally, there's a little dog wandering the neighborhood with his toadie, a black lab mix. I went out to finish shoving a log that had been jutting into the yard into the underbrush because I'm sick of mowing around the damn log, when the Chihuahua apparated behind me and barked, startling me so that I lost my grip on the log and fell on my ass. The Chihuahua and his friend the lab had a good laugh. I invited them to come closer so that I could get a look at their tags and perhaps escort them home. They stood pointing and laughing. I tried speaking in Spanish to no avail. Maybe vamanos was not the word I was looking for. Oh well, when they were finished mocking me, they set out across the dry creek to irritate the neighbors dogs by running along the fence going neener, neener and nyah, nyah, we're loose and you're not.

I gave up on the log and came back into the house to pound on the printer with a hammer. As long as that little yellow triangle with the exclamation point is over the printer icon on the bottom of this laptop's screen, I've got a reason to rage.  Without rage, I am nothing.

Okay, now that I have that off my chest, here's what else I'm doing....READING! Reading and reading some more. I'm beta reading for a friend and having fun with it. (She's gooooood.) I'm editing something (almost done if you're reading this) and having fun with it, too, because it's a funny piece, I'm reading Stephen Elliott's The Adderall Diaries and estalking him like a goon. He's so nice, he emailed me back and didn't even mention a restraining order.

And I'm getting ready to read this after I check to make sure my vibrator is in good working condition. Yes, you read that right. Don't act so shocked. Get that book and check your battery inventory, yo. I've read Averil's other work. You'll be glad you were prepared.

And I'm finally joining some of you in a near cult like love of the TV show Big Bang Theory. I know, I'm late to the party, as usual. Can I just tell you that the biggest achievement in my writing life would be to create a set of characters like Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, Wolowitz and Penny? Some have likened MathMan to Leonard. I'll admit they look alike. And my darling husband has a bad habit of trying to explain things to me that I am neither interested in knowing nor capable of grasping. But Leonard is a physicist while MathMan is, well, pretty simple, huh?

Mind you, I'm no Penny. She's cute and young and can wear revealing clothing without upsetting the Time/Space Continuum. Plus she still has her future ahead of her while I'm on the downward slope and gaining speed. But there are some similarities. I have the annoying habit of calling people terms of endearment when I'm about to deliver a verbal blow. I also can't keep the Star Trek movies and derivatives straight. Was the one where Spock dressed like Olivia Newton John number four or five? I think Wrath of Khan was number three, but don't quote me.

But really, I cannot tell you how much I would love to create a character like Sheldon Cooper. Doctor Sheldon Cooper, PhD. In the past I would think how cool it would be to create a character like Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, Sherlock Holmes, Scarlett O'Hara, Spock, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, the Fonz. A character so iconic that when you say their catchphrase or say that someone is like a Richie Cunningham, a lot of people will know what you mean. Now I must add this character - Dr. Cooper - to my list of icons.

Oh, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, live long and prosper.


  1. Aww, thank you for that, Lisa. Yes, stock up on batteries and clear the house before you begin. If you smoke, you'll want some cigs too....

  2. Now I am intrigued and must find time to read.


  3. I can't speak much to the vibrator thing but I can give some info on Star Trek. Wrath of Kahn was number 2. I couldn't begin to tell you when Spock dressed as Newton-John. Which Newton John are we talking about anyway, the drag race one in the pretty dress or the "Tell me about it stud" one at the carnival. I don't remember seeing Spock in leather. By the way, Kirstie Alley was in Wrath of Kahn. I think she's hotter now than she was then. I am actually watching Dancing With the Stars since she's in it. Oh wait, I'm rambling way too much. I guess you got me all excited when you started talking about Star Trek.

  4. Last year was the worst for ants. Those annoying piss ants/sugar ants.
    Terro ant killer (a sweet syrup they glom down & die & bring back to the nest.
    When you first put it out the ant brigades will increase.... but then they fade away.
    Some get so drunk on the stuff they pass out in the syrup.
    We do use vinegar too, as that kills the scent trail... but the little bastards were even in the bathroom which is not a food source.
    Very Zen of you to thank them for encouraging you to move the water thingie.

    As for the neurotic cats..... no solutions there!

  5. I'm glad at long last to have had a formal introduction to the Pussies For Peace. They're a fine crew and would have most likely protected you from the sniggering dogs if you'd insisted on their company. Oops, I forgot there's no way you insist those felines go anywhere they weren't planning to go.

    It's delightful you're having such a good time reading and writing. I'd send you some spare batteries but all I have are flashlight size.

  6. (I'm trying to get used to saying that.)

    honey, do I ever hear you! keep on reading, it's good for the soul.

  7. You said, "need one of those wooden thingies sheep farmers use when they shear their sheep."

    Let me tell you something: the most hair-raising experience my late hubby & I ever had was trying to use electric clippers on our verrrrry long-hair PekiPersian cat. Really, it's a rare breed - mine was a rescue.

    At any rate, we had the cat, Princess, confined in our small bathroom. Hubby turned on the shears, and all hell broke loose - that cat was all over that room, bouncing off the walls. Soon hubby was screaming, "Let her out, let her out of here."

    We got out alive, both of us and the cat. And I found a vet who was brave enough to shave Princess down about once a year. Bless his heart!

    All of this just to warn you: Be verrrrrry careful if you fire up a pair of electric shears near your cat!

  8. Kitty ambien. That should work.
    Big Bang Theory looks interesting. I'll have to check it out when I'm at my brother's.

  9. I'm so glad my dear buddy and blogger, Fragrant Liar, sent me on over to you. Great writing and I so relate to the animal woes. Had my share of them lately as well. Looking forward to visiting That's Why!

  10. We used to have cats - and I loved them. Unfortunately my younger daughter has a serious - in the sense of eyes streaming, skin getting blotchy, finally falling on the floor gasping for breath - allergy.

    Our cats had to find new homes ...

  11. Without rage, I am nothing.

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

  12. What the hell is up with people letting their animals roam freely throughout the neighborhood? I say let Resident Evil and her gang practice their outdoor skills and design some sort of box trap for that freaking chihuahua.

  13. Next time, go up to the leaves and scream KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. Always works for Shatner.

  14. *giggles* I adore you trying to speak Spanish to the Chihuahua... beautiful. You crack me up, my dead. As to the printer... I have it on good authority that cats sitting and spinning on a keyboard can cause the blue screen of death, so I think you got off lucky--that said, you probably can call the help line and they can walk you through, yes?

  15. I love cat-related posts. One of my cats like to try to share my pillow while I sleep. He purrs and rubs and my head and gets so close that all his hair goes up my nose. Good times. The other one, meanwhile, decides randomly that she isn't getting enough attention and wakes me up to pet her. Exactly what I want to do at 3 in the morning, cat.

  16. I too am late on Big Bang Theory - I watched a few clips (I think you are the one who posted them on FB, come to think of it) and LOVED it. I still keep forgetting to watch it though. I should go on On Demand and catch up with back episodes.

    If you ever need Star Trek information, I'm your girl. I have most of the original episodes memorized and know all the movies except for a couple of the most recent ones!

  17. I see a future in digitized coupons...

  18. "nature and control freaks do not mix well" - snort

    Marlin Perkins! Thanks for the memory.

    Big Bang Theory - yes, it rocks, tho I rarely get to tune in.

  19. I actually MISS having animal woes. I really miss being allowed to have pets.

  20. I love kitties! A glass of white wine, a pinch of salt...

    JFK, I'm allergic.

    Fun piece of writing, Grrrl, I'm gonna abscond with several of your lines!

  21. Matted poo on animal bums -- now there's a way to start a day... (been there)

  22. Cat sheering. Now that's a talent. Nature helped me put off spring cleaning for another week by dumping 4" of snow but somehow it still feels the joke is on me.

  23. Cat sheering, now that's a talent.

  24. This was too, too funny!!! So, which cat is going to be Lennon's BFF?

  25. We have no cats here, just dogs. Instead of snuggling felines, we have a 50# Catahoula that thinks she's a lap dog and a 24# beagle with delusions of grandeur.

    TBBT is one of my favorite shows. I especially love that "Dr. Sheldon Cooper, PhD" started as the Man Raised by Wolves" in the Quizno's commercials.

  26. Lisa, did you write a book yet? You should, I don't even blog anymore and I still come check up on you every now and again. I've been reading your stuff since when (2006?) Just checked out your Love stories. Love your writing. Cath

  27. Catherine - Thank you so much for that. I've got one manuscript that I'm revising and two other works in progress. Fingers crossed that one day soon I can announce that I've found an agent and things take off from there.

  28. Sheldon's character is do endearing on many levels, but mostly geek related. I've been trying to duplicate his laugh, but it must be a Jim Parson's creation.

    As for the Fluffballs, we are down to one at our house, yet this one seems to leave his fur all over the place. So I know the fur story of a cat owner.


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