Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You just haven't earned it yet, Baby

I'm hot, I'm chilly. Not cold. Chilly. Is this a fever or perimenopause? Do I even care? What difference does it make anyway?

It's been a day already. I'm already bracing for tomorrow and with all the talk of what happened with the IMF Head and the maid in the Midtown Manhattan hotel room, there's an even greater sense of pressure from the day I wish I could forget. There's the fury of what happened, but the weight of knowing that freedom has its downside. It means people like him can continue doing what they do.

Nevertheless, one must carry on and that's what I've done.So far today's landscape is, um, varied.

1. Using coupons, I got two free bags of cat food at Publix. A win.

2. The Kroger didn't have the 1/2 gallon of milk for a dollar as advertised, but I did pick up a $3.88 bottle of Malbec. I also got hugged by the guy who delivers the Pepsi products to the Kroger, Ingles and WalMart stores. The hug came after he showed me where the packets of Kool-Aid were. It was kind of creepy. Then he was leaving when I left and he helped me load the groceries into the car. It was all awkward and I was trying not to overreact, just thanked him with a stiff smile, I'm sure but it was just - - strange. I'm feeling strange. Maybe that's it.

And dammit, I forgot to stop at the customer service desk and ask for a rain check for the milk.

Good thing I bought that wine.

3. While I maneuvered around the curious cats to put the groceries away, the doorbell rang. A quick poke of my head into the dining room. The landlady. What did she want? She hadn't called ahead. Fiddlesticks. Did I mention that we're not supposed to have pets?

I pressed myself against the wall then dropped on all fours to crawl across the living room so she wouldn't see me. My plan was to go out the basement door and meet her in front. If I could distract her from going inside or looking at the windows, maybe I could prevent her from seeing the cats who would undoubtedly be pressing their noses against the windows watching to see what might happen next.

She had other ideas. She met me halfway around the back. We chatted briefly while she took photos of the peeling exterior paint. She said she was glad to meet me finally. I didn't correct her. We actually met two years ago when I met her in the Kroger parking lot to get the lease and keys to the house.

Why does it feel like my life is resembling a bad sitcom more and more?

4. I tried to be calm and nice, but I ended up muttering fuck and bursting into tears while talking to the travel agent whose unpleasant task it was to tell me that Chloe's plane ticket is nonrefundable. Oh, that fine print. I know.

Okay, who in England wants to host my kid from July 10 - August 10 because we've just paid an extraordinary amount of money for this damn plane ticket for which Delta can't see their way to refund the money? She can au pair for you. She can clean. She could easily learn to drive on the other side of the road, if necessary. If it goes well, you can even keep her. She doesn't eat much. Toss her  a bagel or a scone and she's good for a day.

The travel agent was nice about it. The kindness of strangers and all that. (insert sound of grinding teeth)

5. I wiped my tears and emailed Cambridge a very professional sounding letter begging for a refund of Chloe's deposit. I emailed a nastygram to Chloe. (Careful here on your comments, I'm allowed to beat up on my kids, but you aren't, also, parental sanctimony isn't a great idea today. Thanks.) Fingers crossed that Cambridge will be reasonable because right now I'm not feeling terribly reasonable.

6. Why can't I be one of those people who can't eat when they're upset because the last couple of weeks would have been guaranteed to have helped me shed twenty pounds. But no. Of course not. In my head, problems are solved by copious amounts of sugar and fat. Please pass the bacon and chocolate ice cream.

7. Good thing I bought that bottle of wine.

8. There are many good things amongst the wacky, the unfortunate, the frustrating. I received another delightful treat in the mail. Teri Carter, of The Carter Library, sent me a handbag, a pocketbook, a purse and a bag. Some of them even came with their own bags. They're an assortment of colors and styles that will up my panache factor in ways I cannot even begin to tell you. I've had great fun modeling them for the cats and anyone else who will look. I even include accompanying music in the form of hummed I Feel Pretty!

For now I'm carrying the blue Coach bag. The color says Spring and all my stuff fits into it with room to spare. If I try, I bet I can even fit that bottle of Malbec in there. Thank you, Teri, for thinking of me. I appreciate it very much.

9. Now I wish I'd gotten two bottles of wine. Maybe I'll take that Coach bag back to Kroger and see how many Malbec bottles it will hold. A couple of nights in the local lock up might do me some good.

10. I'm reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Here we are again at the issue of perspective. As bad as things may seem, one can always find someone who's having or who has had a harder time of it.

That doesn't mean I won't be swimming in the bottle of Malbec with all the self-pity I can muster. Let's not give me more credit than I deserve. It just means I understand that my bad is someone else's are you fucking kidding me, you drama lightweight?

Sally forth, my loves, using whatever coping mechanisms you trust. Whats new?


  1. Can you spare some of that wine? I need surgery and there's these fucking tests. Yeah, I could be walking around with a tank of oxygen or wheeling around, but it still sucks.

  2. Wow and i thought not getting my $60 dollar deposit for two summer camp weeks was bad. I will go find some chocolate and get over it.

  3. Wait - what happened? Was Chloe supposed to go to England and now...not? I am behind.

  4. Have you thought about using some kind of vile magick to turn yourself into one of those cars that has driver and passenger climate controls, adjusting accordingly? Worth a shot.

    (everyone's allowed to wallow in their own misery regardless of its place on the Waa-O-Meter, and if they don't like it, fuck 'em)

  5. What Mommy Lisa said. There's a piece of the narrative missing.

  6. Oh my, day of merde!! Things have to get better, right?

  7. Yes, it's a VERY good thing you bought that bottle of wine. You certainly need it.

  8. In old news, I am apparently on month THREE of this frigging ear infection. I am still deaf, and need to make an appointment with an ENT.

    After, that is, a trip to the dentist this have them check out the mouth issue that has created the need for yet ANOTHER round of antibiotics...


  9. Just hearing the word landlady or landlord fills me with despair. Too many rotten ones from my childhood days.

    I really hope there's a chance for your darling to get to Cambridge. That would be so sad if she couldn't go.

    On a positive note, I LOVE those bags. As an old acquaintance of mine used to say, "It don't matter how you feel as long as you look good." That red one is STYLIN'!

  10. Oh that's a shame. I really hope Chloe will be able to go!

  11. Oh I hope Chloe can go! And you're right, Lisa, I think you need to go back for another bottle of that Malbec. I'm nothing if not prepared.

    And like macdougalstreetbaby says, Landlord also makes my heart pound. I grew up with a single mom and we would move every 6 months to a year, and I would change schools, to save $10 in rent. Landlords say there's nothing like a bad tenant --- I'd say a tough landlord ranks right up there on the stress-o-meter.....

  12. Wait. What?Chloe was going to England and can't now? Wtf? She should redesign all our blogs for spending money and living expenses and go anyway.

    I Hate nonrefundable plane tix, which are assholic.

  13. I've been passing a kidney stone for over a week, with little appetite, and somehow GAINED 2 lbs!

    I love Kroger by the way. And yes get more wine. A happy mommy makes happy kids. And wine seems to help us let the little things go. Or at least to view a non-refundable ticket to England as a little thing. Parenting. ((((sigh))))))

  14. I could definitely relate to your crawling on the floor so you could meet the landlady in a neutral place. Having to deal with property owners/managers has been my single regret at not owning a place of my own. Well, having a garden would be nice too. I remember one woman who liked to drop by unannounced to check the bathroom tiles were being cleaned to her satisfaction. I moved. Then there was the landlord who lived next door who included lawn care in the rent who arrived one day with a push mower and offered to show me how much fun it would be to cut the 40' lawn every week. Didn't live there long either.

    I'm sorry to hear Chloe's plans aren't going so well. I wish I could bring you some Nova Scotian beer - they're not good with wine around here.

  15. I think you may have drank the wine earlier before posting since I'm missing a few things here..Chloe and England?? Purses??

    I'll try and pay more attention but I hear where you are coming from and it ain't just sucks right now.

  16. 1. Two free bags of cat food good. Two bottles of wine, better.
    2. I was offered a hug by a hustler when I turned him down for money. I declined, he laughed and as he turned I saw his zipper was down. Lovely.
    3. Is it wrong to laugh at this image? Laugh hard?
    4. You've done what you can. Something will happen. Something good. Something that will make it all make sense. Don't we know any writers in England?? She goes and gets a job there that leads to the most wonderful, spectacular thing...yes, I'm going with that one.
    6. So with you.

    And that IMF bastard. When I read that he was on suicide watch all I could think was, why? Who's watching the poor woman? Put him out in general population, then give him a cell with a belt and some shoelaces. That's the price to pay for freedom, give him all the freedom he can take.

  17. Lisa - I got the England part, but not the dates - will be Canada.


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