|I just needed some Edward Gorey.|
I've spent the worst part of today applying for more jobs and writing cover letters. Dreadful.
Writing cover letters has got to be one of the most painful things I do these days and lately painful has real, specific meaning. Just this week I've performed surgery on my own leg. That's painful in a different way. I don't know what that black thing was sticking out of my thigh - a stinger or some other part of an insect or arachnid, but some of it is still in my leg and now it's surrounded by a hard, red lump. It's gross. Shut up. This is not doctor visit stuff. This is stiff upper lip, put some antibiotic ointment on it stuff. If an earwig climbs out of the pit I've dug with a needle, well, so be it. Must not grumble. But cover your ears because I'll be screaming like the girl I once was.
So I know painful. But this business of writing cover letters? Fuck that. I know I play a writer on this blog, but dear lord, trying to sell myself concisely is like trying to push really hard and turn my clitoris into a cock.
Perhaps I should include that in my next cover letter. Bet that would get someone's attention.
Seriously, folks, being unemployed blows enough, looking and looking for a job and finding bupkiss blows harder. Jamming my fingers to the keys and attempting to make enough magic to compel some HR person to sit up and take notice and even deign to roll their eyeballs across my resume? Dreadful. I'd say it's soul sucking, but I remain on the fence vis a vis souls.
And shit, don't even get me started on my resume. Lie, don't lie? Does it even matter anymore, daddy?
When I lose steam, I go trolling for ideas. You want to know what's really frustrating? All the How to Find a Job advice comes from people who have a job. Yeah, try being unemployed, 45, having been a bit too high above your station and without a job in this economy. Then tell me again how networking and crafting a great resume and cover letter is the ticket to success. Even the Department of Labor counselors have suggested I whittle my resume. Fine, but then how do I explain the last twenty years? All these motherfucking online applications require you to click a box indicating that you're presenting yourself truthfully. Okaaaay.
And since I'm already in the ditch, is this how it's supposed to go? You follow the rules, go to school, get a job, move up the ladder, do more than put in your time, you take risks, have some success, push yourself, leave things in better shape than you found them just so you can what? Deny you did any of that stuff so you can find a job, any job?
American Dreams. American Screams. A lie. The old rules no longer apply. The unemployed need not apply.
Oh, bitter. I should stop now. Here's what I'm settling on for my template cover letter.
Dear Prospective Employer:
Please hire me. I offer twenty years of progressively responsible administrative experience that can be bent and molded to fit your individual needs. I am a Libra, a middle child and woman. You can't find a more accommodating person than that. I come from a long line of hardworking people and as proof of my work ethic, I offer you a list of things I've done for little to no pay since having been laid off from my last job through no fault of my own. (please see attachment)
I am intelligent enough to do an excellent job, but not so intelligent to make you feel threatened. I have a good sense of humor and promise to use appropriately which means I'll laugh at only your jokes. I have no life and what little personal ambition I had has been sucked out of me. If you employ me, I give myself to you. I can start immediately and my salary needs are flexible like Nadia Comaneci.
I look forward to hearing from you to discuss the open position. Call me!
Shit. That's no good. The Nadia Comaneci thing totally gives away my age. Back to the keyboard...