Friday, August 12, 2011

Put on a Poncho, Play for Mosquitoes

I'm thinking in lists today.

1. This draft of major rewrites is finished and only one day behind schedule. The sex scene remains unwritten and I'll let beta readers tell me if it's necessary of it's better to let the reader fill in the hot blanks. #amwriting

2. I lied. The draft isn't finished. I must adjust the dates in the chapter headers. Dates are critical to the story. Once I've dropped in those dates, I'll email those of you who have volunteered to beta read. I've added a Work in Progress page (see tab above) with the opening of the novel so you can see if the style and genre are something you might want to beta read. I hate to give this very mainstream writing to those who expect something literary because I promise you, you'll be disappointed. The novel has maybe one or two metaphors in the entire 73k words. So if you've volunteered to beta, but find that this won't be your cup of vodka, that's cool. #amediting

3. Scott Farkus and Grover Dill remain sequestered in the garage. This causes some difficulties because the refrigerator in the kitchen isn't working properly so we've moved all the fridge stuff to the freezer side and all the freezer stuff is in the fridge in the garage. Before you go wondering how broke-ass people like us can afford two refrigerators, take note: the one in the garage belongs to our landlord.


Every time I have to fetch something from the freezer or the overstock in the garage fridge, Scott and Grover rush the door and suddenly it's Kitty Rodeo! Bets on how long it takes me to give up and just introduce those boys to the rest of the band?

Also, this nonsense makes it even harder to sneak the ice cream I have hidden in the back of the freezer.

Also, too, thank you, Randal, for reminding me that Toady's real name is Grover Dill. #yeehaw

4. I did not watch the Republican debate last night on Fox News, but I can tell you this: I hope to hell that Tim Pawlenty's political career is over soon. I don't know if I've ever shared this, but certain words trigger food cravings for me. I know. Weird, but there it is. So whenever Pawlenty's name is mentioned, I'm all Homer Simpson "mmmmm polenta.....aaaaaahhhh." It's kind of disturbing. I don't need this shit. Polenta is high in calories and tricked out with crazy genetic shit thanks to Monsanto's messing with corn seed.

At least if Mitt Romney wins the nomination, I won't get fatter. I'll just have to listen to MathMan call him Mitten for the next year and half. Gain more weight or be jailed because of a domestic dispute turned violent? It's a clear choice to me.

And if Michele Bachmann wins? Let's just say it will be a veritable smorgasbord of tasteless jokes chez nous. Followed by a lot of Bless her hearts because we don't want to be totally cruel. That sets a terrible example for the children. #areyoufuckingkiddingme

5. Speaking of MathMan, I can't convince him to keep a respectful distance when we're in bed, so I'm insisting that he study this. #middleagedsexcapades

6. Now I'm craving some John Stamos with a side of Bob Saget. Fucking inconvenient since the closest I'll ever get to them is watching Full House reruns as I serve Sophie her breakfast. #guiltypleasures

7. My blog stats continue to be enhanced by people doing research on Nancy Pelosi's breasts. I wish some foundation would form to help those people get to the bottom of whatever important social concern they're trying to solve. Maybe that foundation would hire me to be its CEO. #stillneedajob

8. The new Indigo Girls song Making Promises has a Monkees vibe to it. Now I'm craving Pop Tarts and Peter Tork because that's what I remember eating when I watched Monkees reruns as a child. Pop Tarts, I mean. #foodandtv

9. Someone needs to vacuum this house. Know what that leaves me craving? A maid. #suckthis

10. Your comment goes here. The best comment wins two cats (fill in with a lot of legal jargon and disclaimers.)

With all good wishes,



  1. Will be back later and can't wait to read the excerpt. Be talking...

  2. So exciting! Like Deb, I can't wait either! :)

  3. Yippee! An excerpt!

    My husband says if Bachmann wins, we'll be moving to Canada. He says something like that every four years, yet managed to drag me through the Bush era in Vegas.

  4. My bra is filled with two things, and only one of them is breasts. The other? Crumbs from the baby's afternoon snack. How do they get so much junk up in my spunk?

    Also, found out today, sadly, that the baby is either allergic to dogs or cats or both. Probably cats. Sigh.

  5. Wait, didn't you just get rid of a cat?

  6. Hey, is it Full Moon List Week or what? We're all thinking in lists, which probably explains a hell of a lot.

    I'm interested in Nancy Pelosi's breasts. Isn't everybody???

    I was still living in Minnesota when Michelle Bachman first got into office there. Nut job then, nuttier job now. I remember reading the first newspaper article after she was elected about how the Bible says women should be subservient to their husbands. I'm not sure I've heard anything she's said since.

    You have an excerpt ready?! Show off.

    I hope somebody between you and California wins those kitty cats. Sadly you can't leave them here because seeing cats up-close like that makes my lab almost have seizures, she's so stoked. Which is too bad. We have mice, and these damned dogs are cute, but worthless when it comes to helping manage the rodents.

  7. Read the excerpt. No bug-like aliens were slaughtered in the first three paragraphs, so I guess I'll pass on being a beta reader.

  8. Flick! Who, apparently, grew up and joined the porn industry. Work that into the novel.

    Hey, we've got a fridge and a freezer. Three cheers for hand-me-downs, I mean, #goldfinger.

    Nancy Pelosi's breasts.

    (just trying to add to your hit count)

  9. Sign me up as a beta reader! [Please!]

    I wasn't allowed to re-re-re-re-watch the Stamos pron...tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

    I can't have cats here because Chachi is allergic.

    I love the new Indigo Girls song, but am currently on a Seether kick ("Country Song", anyone?) - and am jamming to endless hours of Evan Watson. "Woodpecker" is one of my favorite songs.

  10. You make me laugh, Lisa, you do you do.

    And I think it's probably helpful that the ice cream is in the garage and it's a catfest getting there and back. Because I am prone to eating one spoonful, putting it back, going back for another...until it's all gone. If you're anything like this, it won't feel worth it.

  11. Thank you, gang, for the wonderful comments. I'm making a few suggested adjustments already.

    Also, does anyone know how to teach a cat to mow the lawn? If Scott Farkus and Grover Dill could mow, I'd just go ahead and keep them.

  12. Have you considered touring with a cat circus act? I can just see you with the chair and the whip in that big cage.

    If you haven't filled out your beta-reader list yet I'd be delighted to volunteer. That, and I'd still buy a copy once it's published.

  13. Off to read the excerpt.

    (Remember, Downith does not need a cat)

  14. Thank you so much for my morning giggles... I came over to grab the link for a friend of mine who is an unemployed communist (you think I'm kidding?)... and I chuckled all the way through.

  15. Love the writing! One step closer...

  16. I think you need to write that sex scene just to see what happens and how it goes. And to entertain yourself in the process!

  17. How does one sign up to be a beta reader?


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)