Monday, October 10, 2011

30 Day Photography Challenge - Pink

I see you edited my sign.
Mama, it was embarrassing.
Hey, instead of the what I was originally going to put - the god damned door - which, I understand, turns children to dust or something - I chose my next favorite word. Besides, it got your attention, didn't it?
Mama, we cannot have a sign on the laundry room door that says keep this fucking door shut.
I don't see why not. It's my house.
I told you! It's embarrassing!
I'll tell you what's embarrassing - having your friends in a house where they're likely to be bitten by fleas.
They don't get bit! They're gingers. Nothing bites them. Ask them. They'll tell you.

Just keep the door closed. There's clean laundry in there to carry upstairs and I don't want the damn cats on it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Today, the last day of 45, I'll spend fighting fleas. We've bombed until our eyebrows began falling out, bathed the cats until they're traumatized and we're bloody, I've become genetically fused to the vacuum cleaner and still, I'm walking around in white socks picking up the little monsters and dunking them in glasses of water. And let me tell ya, there's nothing quite so sexy as a chubby chick in short shorts, a yoga top and knee high gym socks. I'm just waiting for TLC to show up with their cameras, y'all.

We've washed all the bedding twice, opened the house for a decent airing and prayed (even though it goes against our nature) for a jolly good cold snap. Freezing would be nice. I'd sit naked in twenty degree weather with my hair wet and twisted into a unicorn horn of flea shampoo if I thought it would rid us of these nasty little buggers.

I'm contemplating setting aside my convictions about no kill shelters and loading the cats into the Corolla and taking them to the Humane Society. Here, kitty, kitty, wanna go for a ride with Mommy?
But they'll put them to sleep!
Are you the one vacuuming eight hours a day?
Yeah, I thought so.

I woke up screaming from a nightmare. Visions of that magnified flea used in commercials danced before me and I clawed at an itch on my leg.

I think we should just move and not take anything.
Okay, now you're being unreasonable. His eyes didn't leave his computer screen.

Fine. Unreasonable I'll be.

For my birthday, I'd like a few thousand dollars, a passport bearing a new identity, a short stay in a posh institution and possibly a lobotomy if it will also do away with my hellacious sweet tooth once and for all.

Or some cough drops from Randal.

Geoffrey goes pink in a way I can truly appreciate.

UPDATED: Summer puts us on hold with cake!

Here's the good news - I finished the revisions on my novel. I know I've teased some of you with the prospect of being beta readers, but I'm a little afraid that if I keep working on it, I'll never take the next step. So I'm going to go ahead and start querying agents while some of you read it for me.

Following is the first draft of my query so you can determine whether or not you want to read the dang thing. I assure you, it's not going to be everyone's glass of sweet tea. If, after reading this synopsis, you want to read the draft, please let me know. Thank you, youse guys.

Julie Rhodes is typical of her time – a wife, a mother, a woman trying to juggle her family’s needs, her own desires, her faltering marriage, her status as one of the many unemployed Americans looking for work, and the speed at which everything moves in 2010. She knows she’s losing the battle and wishes for something different.

When she wakes up in 1944 England, Julie realizes she should have been more specific.

Sure that she's dreaming because her son has been joking that he's General George S. Patton reincarnated,  Julie quickly learns that her place in history has been reset and she's gotten the do over she wished for. In exchange, she's lost her family, friends and the internet.

A 73k word mainstream novel, History We Don’t Know tells the story of how Julie adjusts to life in wartime England while trying to find a way back home. Told from several points of view, the story also describes how Julie's family adjusts to life without her and how our perceptions of time and love can change in an instant.

Gee, really? A fed up woman dreaming of something different? Full circle!

What's eating you?


  1. The editorial meeting, as reported, is hysterical.

    As to the novel . . . Want!

  2. Ahh, wars with fleas. Reminds me of my childhood, when we had indoor-outdoor cats.

    When I lived on the 9th floor of an apt. in Manhattan, I went 2 decades flea-free with Max the cat.

  3. Happy Birthday! I wish the fleas would bugger off in honor of the occasion. I would love to read your draft if you still have space for readers. Sounds very cool.

  4. Fleas + Fire = Insurance money.

    As a draft reader, think of me as a pit bull with a red pencil.

  5. Chicks, always complaining about something, and I was gonna get you some fleas for your birthday but I bet you'd complain about that, too, harrumph, and I just complained about your complaining, so take advantage of this rip in space-time to forge that new identity. You're welcome.

  6. Happy Birthday Lisa!

    The book sounds fantastic, like you transported to Foyle's war, please count me in as a beta reader.

    As for fleas, I've been there. Maybe consider isolating the cats in a large cage or outdoor building for a couple weeks so you can re-bomb and give it time to take effect without live fleas/eggs on the animals having a chance to re-infest? It may sound cruel but it's no worse than boarding them while on vacation.

  7. Happy Birthday, my fellow Libra friend!

    And they really should keep that f*cking door shut!

  8. I remember one late summer in RI when we were trying to sell our house during the course of a massive flea invasion. We had just one cat so that wasn't the problem just as having several cats isn't the root cause of your infestation. We knew people who had no pets and still had carpets and furniture full of fleas. I can't quite recall how drunk some of them had to get before they'd admit it was happening in their beautiful Homes & Gardens lookalikes. I still have nightmares about flea larva wriggling on my white drawing table and you have my sympathy until that frost comes along to release you from torment.

    Yes, I'd still like to read the beta so long as I don't have to read it on a Kindle.

  9. ps: I forgot!

    Happy Birthday!!!

    We had our official 35th anniversary this weekend so it was amusing to imagine you as a bratty 10 year old that day :-)

  10. Happy birthday!! I am wishing you a cold snap to kill all those buggers immediately.

    Not for nothing, but if I got that query, I would request. Love.

  11. First, happy birthday!! We're only two days off -- mine was the 9th.

    I love your query. It's fun, spunky, and the line "she's lost her family, friends, and the Internet" made me smile. Good luck! You're going to get tons of bites with this one.

  12. Happy B-day, have a good one!!

    We spent a couple of years battling fleas in Omaha after letting the cats out without flea collars. I think the squirrels were carriers. We kept the cats inside after I noticed the flea problem(I'm the one that reacts to flea bites), bombed repeatedly, bathed the cats after bombing and before releasing them back into the house. Seemed like that routine went on forever. After moving to Hot-Lanta the cats never went outside, now down to one feline too many.

    UP on the Tundra we've never had a problem with fleas. I guess the cold kills them. When we move our stuff UP on the Tundra it's all going into storage until it has been cold enough long enough to kill any and all critters that hitched a ride on our stuff.

  13. LOL! You are soooo awesome! Nothing like having in-house editors :)


    I don't know why I can't make the link work here, but she has a few solutions for the fleas.

    As to what's eating me; in a word.


  15. Darn, I can't believe I missed your birthday! Happy Birthday sister. Talk about yikes, I just had my 48th. A fellow Libra wouldn't you know.

    Congratulations on finishing the rewrites! Go get 'em. If you want another beta send it on over. If not, I'll catch it on the shelf at B&N!

  16. OK, I'm going to be honest with you about this query...

    ... It's fabulous!

    Seriously. This rocks. (And I'm a Query Queen. Just not a Published Author Queen. That much has sadly eluded me.)

    Let me know if you want another beta reader. I don't want to wait to see this on the table at Barnes and Noble.


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)