Thursday, September 6, 2012

Great moments in weight loss



5:30 a.m.
Skip the morning run to get some housework done before leaving for the office. If that floor isn't mopped this instant, who knows what kinds of tragedy could befall the household?

6:30 a.m.
Contemplate having a piece of the chocolate cake you made the day before. Argue with yourself that Bill Cosby agrees that chocolate cake is a breakfast food. Scowl as your shrinking husband strolls to the kitchen sink. (He's fixing to be called Marathon Man instead of MathMan if he keeps this running business up).

Opt instead to sanctimoniously drink a smoothie made with banana, raw spinach, blueberries, a scoop of cocoa and almond milk.

6:45 a.m.
Congratulate self on choosing unsweetened almond milk and the overall choice of the smoothie. This is your day and you are seizing it!

9:00 a.m.
Arrive at the office pleased with yourself that you drove right on by the Dunkin Donuts, the Steak n Shake and the Martin's Biscuits.

10:15 a.m.
Throw up with surprise because, um, you were feeling fine a few minutes ago

10:20 a.m.
Realize that if you were going to barf up your breakfast, you should have had the damn piece of chocolate cake. How dare you defy Bill Cosby? Fool!

10:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Chew ice. Ignore that nagging voice in your head reminding you of that cracked tooth that's just waiting to go all snaggled on you.

5:00 p.m.
Pop into supermarket to pick up a prescription, realize that your stomach is growling loudly enough to make the person next to you give you a funny look as he frees a grocery cart from its buddies and strides away.

5:20 p.m.
Pluck the last loaf of 5 O'Clock freshly-baked Italian bread from the grocery cart where the smell of warm bread still hangs in the air like a taunt.

5:30 p.m.
Rip open the bread's paper wrapper before leaving the parking lot.

6:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.
Demolish one half of the loaf of bread, drink one Coke from a can and a handful of chocolate. And by handful, I mean enough to make a wrapper ball that you could still palm, but would have been so large as to be considered indecent as an earring.

5:15 a.m.
Step on scale. You've lost 1 lb.!

5:16 a.m.
Contemplate the green smoothie, tear off a chunk of still fresh bread while muttering about possible food poisoning and how sanctimony makes you look fatter anyway.


26 comments:

  1. banana and spinach? Love 'em both, but together???

    I wouldn't have made it to the car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, Becky! Surprisingly, that smoothie is usually a pretty good combo with a scoop of vanilla or chocolate protein powder, but something was not right with either the spinach or the blueberries because those were the only two items that no one else had eaten.

      And then there's the fact that it looked no different coming up than it did in the blender.

      Delete
  2. Opt instead to sanctimoniously drink a smoothie made with banana, raw spinach, blueberries, a scoop of cocoa and almond milk.

    And what have we learned? Sure, that's a snazzy outfit and all...
    ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sticking with dessert for breakfast. That's what I've learned, Thunder. Heck, bread, chocolate and soda. I could live on that.

      Delete
  3. Ooooo! I want to do the Italian Bread - Soda - Chocolate diet, too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. See what happens when you don't eat cake?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pleased to report that I am eating cake this very moment, Randal.

      Delete
  5. Well, haven't we all been THERE. I just made some Monkey bread and am waiting to pop it into the oven for breakfast tomrrow. I demand sugar in the morning. But I will walk 2.3 miles and go swimming for an hour. lol...I bargain with God a lot about weight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherry - MONKEY BREAD? Mmmmmmm. You've got me beat with your ability to bargain with God about weight. I have to bargain with myself. And I am truly impossible and unforgiving.

      Delete
  6. haha cake has essential vitamins in it....that is my story and i am sticking to it....at least it was liquid you threw up too...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brian, I am all about the essential vitamins. And moist, flavorful insides and sweet frosting.

      You're right about throwing up liquid. It was reminiscent of my old drinking days, er nights.

      Delete
  7. At least that throw up sensation didn't linger!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Vikki! Yeah, I hate that when you fight the urge to barf until blech!

      Delete
  8. love the blog you have its good and some people need to lose weight some are told to lose the weight as it may kill them

    they have to no what can happen to them if they don't

    check out my blog and please leve me a comment and tell me what you think of my blog thanks andrew

    http://fitnessregimes.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why, thank you, Andrew. I'll come over and see what you're up to.

      Delete
  9. Damn. You had me scared this was going to be the announcement of a 'blessed event'. Thank goodness it was only food poisoning.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Replies
    1. If it only worked all the time and without the barfing, GMB. Back to eating less/moving more!

      Delete
  11. I'm almost at the 30lbs gone mark. Going to see if I can gain it all back with the baking of a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting. Afterall, the husband actually found me Libby's pumpkin in this (almost) pumpkinless country. I'm kind of obligated, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Deb! 30lbs gone is a great achievement. As for the pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting? Enjoy! Once in a while won't do any harm. We have to have some balance, right?

      Delete
  12. Hilarious. I actually love green smoothies, but then I think I put too many bananas in them to make it a low-calorie health food.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Blech, smoothies. I need something to chew, though I suppose it's all smoothie on the way back up.

    (This conversation is enough to send me reeling. I'm such a delicate flower.)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh darling, you need to come around to the Cat's cabbage salad diet. You will be a skinny as this little rabbit!

    ReplyDelete

And then you say....

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