Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Overkill



I can't get to sleep.

There are heavy thoughts doing in my head. Not the least of which is another shooting. Purdue. The long-standing rival of my Alma Mater was the latest scene of this ongoing carnage. This rolling shit show of pain and suffering dealt out by troubled young men.

Another life cut short. Well done, United States of Dumbasses. You're winning something ugly and horrible.

I think about the implications.

I recently learned that there was once a guinea pig named after me. Not a kitten or a sweet puppy with soft ears and that precious puppy smell. No. A guinea pig who was probably shotgunned by a weed smoking and cruel older brother. Lisa was never quite right after that.

Of diving in too deep
Possibly the complications.

The Electrician and I signed a lease on a nice duplex somewhere between our hometown and this current place.  I should be happier than I am right now about that. It may have to do with the stripping of wallpaper border and preparing walls for a fresh coat of Happy Cloud.

According to my shoulders and knees, I'm not as young as I was the last time I redecorated.

I'll be damned if I give in though. There I am some day dropping dead in the middle of rearranging the furniture in my semi-private room at the nursing home.

Ultimately, I want the hard stuff behind me. I want to be moved in and settled (watch for that word to recur), and feel like at least a tiny corner of my life is normal and under control. (Thanks, Ginger, for offering that bit of wisdom.)

Especially at night
I worry over situations

The Electrician will be working on the road indefinitely which means I'm pretty much living alone. I'm adjusting. This is not what I signed up for but sometimes life gives you exactly what you need when you need it.  Whether you want it or not.

I know we'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Perhaps.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear

I'm over thinking things. It's a bad hobby. I'd be better off addicted to eating toothpaste, but there I am making mountains out of molehills like I might win an award for doing so.

Ghosts appear and fade away

Returning to the place of my youth, has been eye opening. I've been reminded of so many memories that I didn't retain at the top of the pile. I guess that's one of the things we do for each other. We remember. We serve as the memory keepers of people who've touched our lives.

As a writer I feel shame. How can I write if I can't remember?

Conversations with old friends have been the highlight of the last few months. On some level, you can go home again.

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation

Being here has reintroduced me to my old dreams, the way I thought life would turn out.  The joke has been on me.  Turns out, you have to work for that shit.

What's the line? What you'll settle for is what you'll get? I'm sure Mark Twain or Dorothy Parker has some witticism about that.

Hell, even I've got some thoughts about settling. There are so many meanings to that word.

It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

Thank you, Colin Hay. I love you and your goats.




13 comments:

  1. sounds like you have a fun project in fixing up the old place...
    and even having to be by yourself a bit...
    dont let yourself fall too far down the thought well...

    ugh on the shooting...

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  2. I'm glad you're writing again, and doing it so well too. I'm not sure anything ever really settles down, but what happens eventually (if we live long enough to gain some perspective) is that we learn acceptance for what is. I'm not sure I've lived that long myself yet :)

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  3. Turns out, you have to work for that shit.

    Think I'm gonna do this one up in cross stitch, Lisa. What colors will your living room be? <3

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  4. I'm going to be hearing the Rolling Stones in my head for the rest of the day. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S94ohyErSw

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  5. Funny, shoveling a crapload of snow yesterday leaves me with the same realization: I'm older than the last time I did it.

    P.S. Living alone is not so bad. The birds and beasts can be your friends, and they're aren't huge pains in the ass.
    ~

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  6. Living alone is WON-DER-FUL! All that sharing and compromise crap? Gone! Give it a chance. If you're really lonely, get a dog. Unconditional love and they never ask, "Was it good for you?"

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  7. Sometimes you've got to strip things away to get at the good raw stuff underneath. Which you are doing, beautifully.

    I spend a lot of time alone. This has always helped me appreciate it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

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  8. It's hard to believe it's been 4 years that I've been living as a single mom M-F and alone on the weekends. It is definitely the longest I've ever been alone. I might almost have my shit together. Not really.

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  9. "The Electrician and I signed a lease on a nice duplex somewhere between our hometown and this current place." ----- Well yay for that!


    "This is not what I signed up for but sometimes life gives you exactly what you need when you need it.  Whether you want it or not." ----- That's very true. And also sometimes very annoying!

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  10. I am alone all week and then the "Significant Other" comes down on the weekends to stay with me. There are some weeks when I relish being alone and other weeks when I feel so lonesome I could, well not die exactly--but feel like a pile of poo mostly and want to craw off somewhere to sleep for a hell of a long time most certainly.

    Look, I came to the realization that if it was supposed to have worked out in my first, and only so far!, marriage then it would have worked out. That it didn't and couldn't is just the way it is and I feel badly for the kids mostly but I feel pretty good for myself all the time. I deserve happiness and not to be the human doormat I was. Keep your chin up Lisa, everything is alright.

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  11. Thanks for all of these wonderful, upbeat comments. I love you guys. Sorry I've gone missing again. Moving is a pain in the arse.

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  12. Replies
    1. Hi, Brian. I'm doing okay. Thank you for asking. I am so glad you continue to write your amazing poetry.

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