I can't get to sleep.
There are heavy thoughts doing in my head. Not the least of which is another shooting. Purdue. The long-standing rival of my Alma Mater was the latest scene of this ongoing carnage. This rolling shit show of pain and suffering dealt out by troubled young men.
Another life cut short. Well done, United States of Dumbasses. You're winning something ugly and horrible.
I think about the implications.
I recently learned that there was once a guinea pig named after me. Not a kitten or a sweet puppy with soft ears and that precious puppy smell. No. A guinea pig who was probably shotgunned by a weed smoking and cruel older brother. Lisa was never quite right after that.
Of diving in too deep
Possibly the complications.
The Electrician and I signed a lease on a nice duplex somewhere between our hometown and this current place. I should be happier than I am right now about that. It may have to do with the stripping of wallpaper border and preparing walls for a fresh coat of Happy Cloud.
According to my shoulders and knees, I'm not as young as I was the last time I redecorated.
I'll be damned if I give in though. There I am some day dropping dead in the middle of rearranging the furniture in my semi-private room at the nursing home.
Ultimately, I want the hard stuff behind me. I want to be moved in and settled (watch for that word to recur), and feel like at least a tiny corner of my life is normal and under control. (Thanks, Ginger, for offering that bit of wisdom.)
Especially at night
I worry over situations
The Electrician will be working on the road indefinitely which means I'm pretty much living alone. I'm adjusting. This is not what I signed up for but sometimes life gives you exactly what you need when you need it. Whether you want it or not.
I know we'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
I'm over thinking things. It's a bad hobby. I'd be better off addicted to eating toothpaste, but there I am making mountains out of molehills like I might win an award for doing so.
Ghosts appear and fade away
Returning to the place of my youth, has been eye opening. I've been reminded of so many memories that I didn't retain at the top of the pile. I guess that's one of the things we do for each other. We remember. We serve as the memory keepers of people who've touched our lives.
As a writer I feel shame. How can I write if I can't remember?
Conversations with old friends have been the highlight of the last few months. On some level, you can go home again.
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
Being here has reintroduced me to my old dreams, the way I thought life would turn out. The joke has been on me. Turns out, you have to work for that shit.
What's the line? What you'll settle for is what you'll get? I'm sure Mark Twain or Dorothy Parker has some witticism about that.
Hell, even I've got some thoughts about settling. There are so many meanings to that word.
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
Thank you, Colin Hay. I love you and your goats.