Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me




It's been too long again, but that's the way life goes these days. I work, I sleep, I engage in capers both gratifying and soul sucking.  There are actually moments when I turn over control to someone else and (gasp!) relax. While I still Instagram the crap out of life, I've been reluctant to blog about all that's gone down, down, down because I was afraid you would....

1.  Think I've gone insane. (Not an unfair assessment.)
2. Offer me advice. (Please don't.)
3. Label me a bad mother. (Get in line behind my kids.)
4. Not believe me.
5. Believe me.

So here I am, toes wiggling at the precipice of another change. The best laid schemes of this here narcissist went out and fell in love with tried to get laid elsewhere and the resulting behavior of yours truly was so unpleasant that now, not only do I get to see what it feels like to be on the other side of the fidelity fence, I also get to move house again. Too precious, I know.

While I'm feeling karmically relieved by my own comeuppance, I'm huffy about moving again so soon. The recently acquired place never quite achieved home status.  Now it contains so much bad juju I'm fixing to flee it like it's haunted by the ghosts of a thousand bad decisions.

Thanks be that everything I own fits in a Toyota Corolla, I've been heard to say quite a bit lately. The other thing I've been saying a lot lately?  I'm sorry. I think Mathman would like for me to stop it already. The voicemails, texts and face to face apologies were enough. The sky-writing in French may have been a bit over the top.

So while I pack my things and adjust to another new place and routine, here's a list of things I intend to bore you with in the coming days? weeks? whatever. Why waste all this perfectly good sturm und drang by not writing about it? At least that's what I keep telling myself. If I can't find purpose in this mess, what then?

Anyway.....

1.  My discovery of hiking and what is wrong with you people, why did you never tell me about how much fun it is?
2.  The divorce diet vs. the break up diet
3.  Training for a non-existent 5k
4.  The Truth and other lies we tell ourselves
5. How I've blown it as an absentee parent
6. Giving up sugar. Less a lament than a confession.

Until next time,

L.

26 comments:

  1. I tried to comment before and it got eaten, so my apologies if something shows up later as a double post. In any event, I don't think you're insane or that you're a bad mother, and I have no advice to give. Just a sympathetic, "I feel you, girl." We really should catch up soon.

    And I love your writing.

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    1. Thank you, Wendy.I feel you too. There is much catching up to do!

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  2. Well I, for one, and looking forward to reading about your next new life. Love and hugs, my friend.

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    1. Thanks, Teri! I am aiming for being more consistent in my writing.

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  3. Looking forward to your next chapter!

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    1. Thanks, Mauigirl. I'm glad you're finding your new chapter, too.

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  4. I gave up sugar,too. It was eating into my beer budget.

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    1. If I have to choose these day, Jimm, I choose beer.

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  5. hiking is a blast,
    i like getting lost in the woods
    and finding my way out

    you're still breathing
    and still the pen moves

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    Replies
    1. And THAT right there is why I adore you, Brain Miller.

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  6. Well, you might be insane, or you might not. I'm not a good judge, and I'm not trying to be. We are all doing our best in this life. Sometimes we hurt other people and sometimes they hurt us. So we beat on. Big hugs to you.

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  7. I do not hike, but I walk for distance, and yeah.

    You have a wonderfully wry take on life's vicissitudes, and I think you'll land on your feet.

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    1. Thank you, D. I expect a softish landing. Keep walking!

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  8. Good luck!

    I wish all my stuff would fit in a Corolla. I'm past one F150 load, and maybe too.
    ~

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    1. Thanks, if.... Upon further reflection, I think it may require 2 trips with the Corolla mostly loaded to get all my things to the new place.

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  9. Hey, I once had a girlfriend who lived with a tattoo artist. I could see the writing on the wall (or whatever) when there wasn't much left of her to ink. He wanted a fresh canvas. I still haven't decided if things would have been worse for her if he'd been a plastic surgeon.

    I trust you to get to where you need to be. I hope you'll keep us informed about the road.. and the roadside attractions. Hiking is good.

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    1. It's true, susan, that our friends can often see that writing on the wall before we do. I had h

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    2. Let me try again... I had hints of this trouble in January but chose to look the other way and believe a little longer. My empathy for Mathman has grown exponentially in the last few months.

      Hiking is fun! I already want to do it more.

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  10. I, for one, am grateful to read about your mess: it takes my mind off my own. Still, we all have messes. Anyone who says otherwise is lying - and who needs those judge-y people anyway? Best of luck on your next adventure. XOXO

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    1. Hi, Lisa. It's true. We do like a train wreck for its ability to take our minds off our own issues. It's great to see you here! xo

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  11. Thank goodness for you Lisa, since you tell the truth. I love that about you. Honestly, my marriage could be falling into little tiny pieces all around me and I'd probably blog some amusing garbage, ignoring what's really going on. Thanks for being you.

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  12. Keep writing., and get back to that novel you've been working on, okay?

    No judgement here, only love.

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  13. Karmic Comeuppances are a pain in the rear. But at least they can get us moving (pun not entirely intended).

    Virtual hugs and beer, Lisa.

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  14. We always judge ourselves the harshest. And, if we never make mistakes, we never have the chance to grow. Look ahead and only look back if you can learn from it. Love you.

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  15. I need to be caught all up on it all. More, more.

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And then you say....

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