Google tells me that Festivus is December 23, 2018 so I'm putting together my list so I can once again perform the Airing of Grievances. It's my annual schtick. Mostly annual.
To quote the great philosopher Frank Costanza, "I've got a lotta problems with you people!"
On with it. Today I'm griping about the holidays.
1. Inflatable lawn decorations.
They look fine when inflated.
Deflated they look like huge used condoms littering your lawn. If the aftermath of a giant orgy is the look you're going for, you are killing it.
If not? For the love of all things candy-striped and cutesie, please keep those things inflated. Yes, even during the day.
2. Holiday advertisements suggesting we buy our beloveds vehicles costing upwards of $40,000.
How is that the people who are, according to the commercials, capable of buying sometimes not just one but two shiny new luxury vehicles, always seem to live where it snows at Christmas?
They step out of their exquisitely decorated perfectly preserved Mid-Century homes nestled in some gorgeous, snowy woodland and yet their noses don't turn red and you can't see their breath.
Because I tend to complain of this every year, let me at least recognize the fact that the ads have done away with the giant red ribbons affixed to the new cars.
So there's that.
3. Bath and Body Works
My bank account is crying uncle. Why must you offer so many wonderful scents to cover up the smell of dog?
Our china cabinet looks like I'm becoming a Doomsday Prepper. Were we to survive something cataclysmic, at least we'd have plenty of light and something to cover up the smell of our own rapid decay.
And you think I haven't noticed that the deals have gotten less AMAZING the closer we get to Christmas? Think again. My cart remains empty. If those candles cost a penny more than $12.95, I can say no.