Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Bought a Ticket to the World, But I've Come Back Again


Things I've learned or been reminded of lately......

Threatening to moon The Spawn and getting my pants halfway down is an effective parenting tool. They'll comply immediately with any request if it means I keep my pants up.

Sometimes being wanted has a down side. It can feel like a threat or an obligation.

It is generally frowned upon when a mom expresses aloud that she's ready to quit the "whole parenting thing."

There is a lot of crap on my iPod that I didn't put there.

A cat will commit angry, furtive pooping to prove a point. You may never figure out what that point is, but you'd better find that stealth dookie or the smell of it will drive you slowly insane.

I can make very unpleasant jokes about Germans that I would never dream of making about any other ethnic group.

I like the word unfortunate. A lot.

Sprite makes me burp more than it used to and old Coke - not Coke Classic, but Coke that's been sitting in a closet at work for two years, doesn't age like a fine wine. Out of desperation yesterday, I drank one (our tap water is brownish and our water cooler has been empty for three weeks). Shortly after I drank that old Coca Cola, I noticed that my vision was blurry and I kept referring to the guest chair next to my desk Harold.

The Actor would prefer that I not sing the worst of Journey's songs during the ride to school. He's even less fond when my singing involves the shutting of my eyes so I can really feel the music and corresponding hand gestures.

Truck drivers can see me adjusting my boobs in my bra when I have the cover over my sunroof open.

Semi truck horns are very loud when blasted right next to you.

At certain times in my monthly cycle (that's different from my bi-cycle), I prefer softer porn.

My coworkers think I shouldn't answer the phone when I'm brushing my teeth to rid myself of nasty coffee breath.

I crave quiet.

Just because I agree to stop singing falsetto with Steve Perry doesn't mean The Actor will reward me by joining me in a snappy rendition of Spandau Ballet's True. What a stick in the mud. He won't even do the ah-ah-ah-ahhh-ahhhhh-ah-I-know-this-much-is-true chorus for me.

I can take a picture of my boobies with my phone and send them off to my loyal subscribers from behind the wheel of my car. It's not smart, but in this age of massive job cuts and layoffs, I believe that anything I can add to my resume goes in the personal PLUS column.

I can live on very little sleep, but is it really living or am I just another zombie?

I don't read poetry unless it thrust into my face. Then? I like it very much and I'm grateful that someone has taken the time to show it to me.

I like MathMan's yellow shirt.

I get pony-tail headache much sooner than I used to. Maybe that's because I'm pulling it so tight in a lame attempt to give myself a cheap face lift.

MathMan wouldn't mind those periodic episodes where I jump up from my chair and clog to the music in my head if only I would limit it to clogging only. "Yodel or clog. Don't do both," he says. "It's impossible to do them well simultaneously."

Garbo's hormones are kicking in and I'm not sure I'm ready for that wild ride.

Cats sniff things with great determination and concentration.

Green M&Ms do not make me horny. They do, however, make me crave more M&Ms.

51 comments:

  1. You mean I bought all those green M&M for my wife for nothing. Dang.

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  2. fabulous- i feel like I have had a coffee and got to know you in 42 seconds.

    my threat to the offspring involves lifting of shirts and flashing boobies.

    thye hate it and for a little while after they dont like me much either !!


    LIsa x

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  3. My God woman, we WERE separated at birth. Except I don't own a sunroof and one of my boobs is fake.

    I break into Ethel Merman impersonations to control my offspring. Works like a charm, especially in public.

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  4. there is so much here to simply ponder that I am at a loss at the moment..you have effectively rendered me speechless! ;)

    I know my kids wouldn't like it either and that's about all I've got...well, that and the pony tail face lift...which do you want more ... or less?

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  5. As I travel along life's highway, most of that passage is best described by the word 'unfortunate,' with the possible exclusion of things I have observed looking down through sun roofs, or into convertibles.

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  6. oh, you're just keeping those truck drivers on their toes. consider it a public service if you will...

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  7. You're hilarious...I loved this. And the cat thing? I KNOW.

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  8. That "stealth dookie" and "Yodel or clog."

    I think I just split my britches!

    :0)

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  9. Tell Nathan I'll give him five bucks if you two do a duet medley of Culture Club hits for me.

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  10. My favorite word right now is chagrined.

    You can send me some of those unpleasant jokes about the Germans offline. I love politically incorrect humor...shhh don't tell anyone.

    Cats are wicked creatures who know exactly how to piss you off. I have attempted to love cats on more than one occasion I always loved them more than they loved me. Hmmm, thats kinda how my bf's have always treated me. No wonder I am not a cat lover anymore.

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  11. i remember my mother used to threaten to run away from us (6 kids, plus my father who was the biggest child ... and i mean CHILD of us all) all the time.

    to be honest, i never took offense. i kind of respected her for it and understood (in my childlike way) how complex her life really was.

    in the end though, i'm glad she didn't run away.

    but, also, in the end, i kind of think she ultimately wished she had.

    so there you have it.

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  12. That's some great info. My husband cringes when American Idol comes on as I have to sing all the songs the contestants sing....badly. Me...not them.

    Now I'm craving M&M's at 7:30 a.m. Thank you.

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  13. You are so funny. I enjoyed this post. Have a happy Friday.

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  14. This is another reason why you should receive a MacArthur genius grant. Because you do the research, and the rest of us benefit from the knowledge.

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  15. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ...about the green M&Ms, I mean.

    ;)

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  16. Does this mean that at certain times on your bicycle you like harder porn.

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  17. OMG this just makes the beginning of my Friday so much better. Thanks for all the info. I know there are some happy truck drivers down there in Georgia - and probably carrying those memories cross country. :)

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  18. our tap water is brownish and our water cooler has been empty for three weeks

    Have you tried/considered a water filter? You can get the kind that just sits there or attaches to your faucet. Much cheaper in the long run than buying bottled water.

    No, I don't work for any water filter companies nor do I own stock in any of them. I'm just trying to be helpful. :)

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  19. Hey, you said you're a zombie, so, how exactly are brains?

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  20. I'm with CDP. Or perhaps a Guggenheim fellowship. You ROCK. Thanks for being you.

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  21. I do understand the German thing. I feel prejudice against all things German. I think it is because I am descended from Polish Jews...

    I have yet to come up with a good threat against my youngest - although taking the lock off her bedroom door did work wonders.

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  22. OK, so the Spawn will need therapy the rest of their lives.

    You are responsible for most truck accidents in Georgia.

    Thank you for never clog dancing or yodelling when we worked together.

    You are also going to be responsible for me eating more M&Ms tonight.

    Good luck to you and MathMan with Garbo's hormones(I think we have some interesting blogs coming).
    MaryCatholic

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  23. Ya gotta know this is one of the few blogs that I not only read the post, but also all the comments. They're a hoot!

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  24. Brownish tap water? It must be pure Chattahoochee.

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  25. OK if this post is NOT read on Sunday's Oscar telecast, I am tuning out.
    Lisa, you are a gem with QWERTY!

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  26. "All I need to know about life, I learned on Lisa's blog"

    Happy Friday!

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  27. Taking pictures of your boobies with your cell phone while driving with your top open? You must be so continually surrounded by 18 wheelers I'm surprised you ever find the exit ramp.

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  28. I love Spandau Ballet, and I love this list! And you are so right about the M&Ms. I have tried this time and again.

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  29. When my father saw someone he thought particularly unpleasant looking (ugly actually) he always refered to them as "what an unfortunate human being."
    I believe there is a good chance that you are certifiably insane. Does that concern you at all?

    Do keep writing though...enjoy the weekend.

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  30. Let's get back to that boobies and cell phone camera thing...

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  31. As long as you can see, smell, and taste the difference between the green M&Ms and the random cat droppings, you are still firmly attached to planet Earth.

    I bet my iPod has lots of crap too. Where the hell is it?

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  32. Hear Hear kzd ! How does one exactly determine the worst of Journeys songs ? I loved the lad flipping over in the wagon post, nothing says testosterone poisoning quite like a boy doing that. My own 11 year old now imitates our irritable, fat chinchilla to the delight of his siblings. It's a very subtle thing he's picked up on and exploited for major comic effect. Green and horney : While doing my master's I worked security in Bflo's worst ghetto high school. The kids there all said wearing green on Thursdays meant you were horney. It led to some very funny and unlikely people being accused of hyper-libidinous states and was really funny when you knew they were clueless old teachers who hadn't thought about sex since Goldwater lost...

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  33. Love it! Love your blog! Love you!

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  34. This post started my day on a giggling path this morning and I've returned a couple of times to re-read it and chuckle all over again.

    You have a gift for humor; how fortunate you are!

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  35. I know you have my cell phone #. Just sayin'. And, I have yours.

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  36. you always make me feel so, well, normal as a parent ...

    ponytail headache - does that apply to apres vine drinkin' aussi

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  37. After reading this, I demand that you come live in my neighborhood so I have someone to talk to.

    If I win the lotto, I will buy you a house and pay you $120,000 a year (plus benefits) to amuse me.

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  38. Why do I assume that you will see many more trucks on your regular commute? Because they pass that info on, that's why. Hey, it's Friday night. Two days of a little less work until work. There's that.

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  39. my offspring tell me to be QUIET when I start singing in the car. It doesn't matter what I sing and I used to be a professional singer for God's sake. I am considering getting a sunroof and finding some trucks. That's how bad it's gotten. I find I also am aging poorly, much like old coca cola. Unfair. Unfair.

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  40. I've had people tell me there's no such thing as ponytail headache.

    People with short hair.

    In a way I think that, right there, is what's wrong with society.

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  41. Acting overtly obnoxious in the mall horrifies Little Shambles who is almost 13 and is, really, no longer little. It reminds her that I am not always obnoxious. And that I shouldn't be taken to the mall.

    Funked out today. Thanks for this.

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  42. So (as I mentioned several posts down) I have been playing Journey videos, and I may get a post out of it. Might as well spread some of that chagrin around. Heh.

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  43. You answer the phone when you are brushing your teeth? I bet you also turn every 24 hours into 28!

    Thanks for your words on my blog earlier today!

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  44. I am so going to try that mooning thing, because Liv really needs to clean her slop pit of a bedroom.

    And nothing like sending my spouse a boob photo when I get really, really bored in traffic.

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  45. That's it. From now on, I'm going to act like a cat and commit angry, furtive pooping.

    They'll just have to figure it out.

    I feel better already.

    :^) Anna

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  46. They said it all.

    Still, I keep thinking about those lucky truckers.

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  47. angry, furtive pooping? Heck, I do that all the time. At least my wife (or all who dare to come within a 15 foot radius) think it smells like angry, furtive pooping.

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  48. Damn if there was one more commenter, I'd be my age.

    So how do I subscribe to the boobie pics?

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And then you say....

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