Saturday, February 21, 2009

Penalty Box

First. Thanks to all who have responded positively to removing word verification. It makes commenting so much easier, I really appreciate it. There will be more on this later. (Also - D, the commenter, can you tell me the name of your blog? I can't find it on your blogger profile. Thanks!)

Of course, nothing is perfect. In no time flat, one of my blogpals got an spam comment from that hideous football character who's been hitting a bunch of blogs in this corner of the blogosphere. Sorry about that DED.

Second. No, I'm not dead. MathMan hasn't finally smothered me in my sleep, though many of you understand if he did. Sadly, I've been busy moving offices and wiping out computer files to make a switch to another laptop and that's just the paid work stuff.

I'm still not-so-cleverly waging the war against filth and clutter. I considered writing a whole post about what I found wedged between the sofa cushions today, but decided that it would be best to save that for another day when the only answer is empty Gogurt tubes and pretzel sticks. Goodness knows The Spawn can do better than that.

Anyway, I was telling you about my busyness. With the changes at work, there are a lot of details to be dealt with before I can get to the real work. Our tech guy came in to add some software to my laptop, but there were a few snags. It looks like I'm going to have to swap out computers after all. As a result, part of Thursday and much of Friday were spent moving files to the shared server, cleaning up things to put on my flash drive and generally weeding out crap like multiple versions of the same document.

I have some pretty bad computer file maintenance and usage habits.

My boss J was out all of last week and returned yesterday. As is his wont, we played catch up on work and life in general. I mentioned that I'd decided to swap computers and was taking the steps necessary to remove all the files from the laptop I've been using. There followed a question and answer period:

J: Okay. Good. Did you remove all the porn, too?
Me: Yes. I deleted most of it, but I moved the clown and midget porn to the shared drive because I know those are a couple of your fetish faves.
J: Okay. Don't forget the large lady porn or that already gone?
Me: I didn't realize you were into that, too.

So where else was I? Well, last night we discovered that we had no internet service at Golden Manor because Hughes Net put us in the penalty box. Again.

We have a limited amount of bandwidth we're allowed to use each twenty-four hour period. If we exceed that amount, we are essentially cut off from service. Oh sure, the provider's website says that you can still do some things, if you're willing to suffer some serious slowing down of the connection, but last night we were completely booted off.

When this happens, the recriminations and finger pointing start. Nevermind that we pay $69.99 per month for this shitty, limited service. Forget the fact that we had to pay $700 for the satellite to bring in the "high speed" service in the first place. Instead of being angry at the poor excuse for broadband access in this country or Hughes Net who knows they've got us most unpleasantly by the short hairs, we find it far more convenient and gratifying to blame the other members of the household.

Was it MathMan looking at Bugs Bunny cartoons on YouTube? Did The Actor surreptitiously use XBox Live? Who knows? All I do know is that I couldn't get online to save my life last night. You'd have thought someone told me that I was dreaming last November and Republicans had actually won the elections, hoodies had gone out of fashion, and the world's supply of chocolate had been filched by aliens from outer space.

I was despondent. I'd watched all day as my number of unread rss feeds grew more obscene by the hour and I could nothing about it. I ranted. I raved. I threatened to cut MathMan off from foot rubs and back hair waxes if he didn't make it better now. It was for naught.

So I got busy writing a piece of fiction that's been swirling around in my head. I actually finished the first part - the opening. It felt so good that I went to bed happy and satisfied with having accomplished that one little thing. Now I'm going to have to keep pushing through on this writing because I'm determined to finish it. I want this story to be complete.

And now, in addition to this fiction piece, my boss J is urging me to get off my butt and write an outline for a sort of humor/autobiographical piece about what our family is going through with moving, foreclosure, bankruptcy, job changes, sending a kid off to college, trying to keep the other two from flying off into the ether and holding together a marriage that has had its rough patches lately.

And J doesn't even know the half of it.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I asked him, trying to decide if I should be worried. He'd already had to tell one staff person that it was time to look. Was he now pushing me out the door?

He shook his head. He knew what I was thinking. "No. I just know that this is the time for you to write that book. You've got it in you."

I thought this over for a minute. Maybe he really was urging me to find a new job. Maybe he was mad at me for what I'd said earlier. I'd mentioned to him that I thought he should consider titty twisters and noogies as viable volunteer management tools. Kind of like mooning as a childrearing method. "I wish I were as sure as you," I huffed. I'm not so confident that I have the attention span to write anything longer than a blog post. "You're trying to get rid of me, I think."

"Seriously, I'm not. I think you're very Rosanne-ish, but not so blue collar. You could really go places with this thing and, if you do, please make sure my character on the t.v. pilot is reasonably good looking." He stood up to go.

Rosanne-ish? But I want to be a female Philip Roth!!!

"Will you provide me with a good reference?" I pushed harder.

He stopped and turned around. "Look. Stop it. I don't want you to go. I want you to be successful here and wherever things take you," he paused, thought for a minute and shook his head. He started to walk away and then stopped again. "Besides who else can I employ who would search out clown and midget porn like you do?"

Good point. There just are some things that make you indespensible, I guess.


  1. Omigod! I've never, ever, been the first commenter on one of your posts! Now I can't even remember what I was going to say.

    Oh yeah. Midget porn. I've always wondered if those very short men have cocks the size of tall men's, or if the length is proportional to their heights. I guess I'll have to view some midget porn to find out. Any recommendations?

  2. So when you become the female Philip Roth can I call you Philipina? I know that you write about whacking now, but in your rothian fiction... I'm glad the boss is encouraging but can he help with our god forsaken internet?

  3. I would just shit a brick, if I had limitations on my Internet. I would get on the phone immediately with Mr. Al Gore and get this problem fixed - I say go right to the inventor.

  4. Well I would so be working on finishing that all your spare that you have so much of...

    You are a talented writer and I would read anything you wrote. So.. get

  5. you are quickly becoming indespensible to me !! I never have had word verfication ( hete it actually) and have only ever had one or two spam comments ( in three years).
    Lisa xx

  6. I'm in the midst of a very lengthy book about another author whose style you unconsciously emulate and that's - don't laugh (well, okay, you can) - Charles Dickens. He began his career as a reporter.. Well, never mind that. You either already know or you can check out the wiki for an overview of his life but what I meant to say is that your sharp wit and stylistic use of merging fact and fiction are very reminiscent of his work. You don't live in Victorian England but there's more than enough of interest in our current time and place to provide fuel for some very entertaining writing. You've already proven to be very energetic. So what else were you planning to do when all three are in college? My suggestion is to go for it :-)

  7. Limitations on $70.00 internet service? Crazy!

    Everybody has a story, and it sounds like your's is something people would like to read about. Keep at the book.

  8. I'm kinda struck with the notion of a post on what was wedged between the sofa cushions, but with a "Portnoy's complaint" theme to it.
    Might be wonderful in fact.

  9. Keep writing. Everyone has a story to tell, but very few can do it with any talent. You seem to fit in with the talented ones, dear lady.

  10. I think Clown and Midget Porn should be the title for chapter 3 in your book.

    I actually want to pop people's tires when my internet access (wireless) gets overrun by the neighbors'. I think I might be arrested if I had to deal with the sort of situation you faced yesterday.

    Just don't let any moronic writers' groups dissuade you from kicking ass at your book. Your voice is distinctive enough that an editor can sort whatever needs sorting.

  11. I keep forgetting I never put info in my profile.

    "Blog" (for suitable values of, meaning I post almost daily, but it's usually not worth the bother) is Onyx Lynx.

    P.S. Barney Frank is the MA rep, not NY.

  12. Ok Lisa, you have me stumped. What does Mathman call the striped socks?

  13. Not only DED got hit by football. However, one per every so often is tolerable. Seemed to be a pretty poor spammer, didn't even show the normal bot pacing.

    As to Hughes, there is a reason that they fade out of any market once there is an alternative. It's really a shame because back in the good old days they were top notch.
    My sympathies dealing with them.

  14. lisa, as you probably realize , you have the talent to write a fabulous book on most likely, any topic at all...I love to read your blogs, no matter how long the post, and that's not always the case at every blog I visit!! so, while you are suffering bandwidth restrictions, keep on writing, dear skinny woman...I have satellite too and we go over and then all hell breaks loose! we all blame each other and accusations start flying and all the rest, me being the bitchiest about it all....anyway, it's youtube that get us everytime or "live streaming" stuff(?) ...the kids probably watch them all the time!

    joy....your boss is a little strange ;)

  15. You have the most awesomely funny relationship with your boss--I love it!! :)

    Also, you should TOTALLY write that humor/autobiographical story/book! I would SO buy it. :)

  16. $70 for internet service that kicks you off? Crazy unacceptable. That would just piss me off constantly cuz I'm on my computer ALL the damn time.

    Hope that changes for you soon. Enjoyed your blog.

  17. Good for you, starting that fiction story - you totally have it in you to write a book. And your boss sounds really great.

  18. White collar Roseanne? I like it :)

  19. I hate word verification too! Sometimes it is easy to do, and then sometimes it is mushed together and in some weird-ass kind of font! I have never had it on mine. Never had a problem with it off. Your ISP sounds shitty! Comcast is the main one over here, and yes they are pretty much a monopoly-and sometimes have shitty service, but not that bad.

  20. OK, you are paying way too much for your crappy service. Sorry to tell you that, but it is kind of "they fuck you at the drive-thru" thing, you know.

    Second, I totally see you as a Gentile Female Philip Roth (well, maybe Jewish by marriage?); when you write your version of Portnoy's Complaint, though - Golden's Growl, maybe? Nah, you could do better than that - I want first dibs on proofreading the "Jacking Off" Chapter. Well, maybe after your husband.

  21. I agree with everyone else about your 'net service. I pay $75/month for digital cable in my living room, 3 other TVs hooked up and unlimited Road Runner super-fast service with no limits.

    Perhaps moving closer to town will help. The closer you get to Cartersville or Kennesaw the better the service options. (BTW, my sister-in-law lives in Kennesaw)

    Your boss said 'blue collar' as if it were a bad thing but I agree, you should write that book. And people read more when they are unemployed. More time and all. It's a good time for it.

  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

  23. well that was a stream of (good) consciousness

  24. That internet thing?! That's what the NET NEUTRALITY bru-ha-ha is all about!!!!!!!! I bitch and moan about Comcast and you have it even worse!!!! I mean what I say here.... WRITE TO THE FCC! It's a fucking crock of shit. A lot of people have not been paying attention to this issue because they don't understand...but you are the example..... (As if those fucking companies don't make enough money...... oh, man, just makes me soooooooo mad!)

    Yes, please write... and also....have you ever visited Salon and their blogs??!! I have a friend who blogs over there (in fact I just started following her) and they do it a little differently over there.... My friend (also named Lisa!) and other blogs get "reviewed" It appears as though an "editor" actually reads posts and then others give the posts ratings.... I would recommend that you check it out.... Let me know what you think... (I imagine you developing quite a following over there, as well...and and getting some recognition for it!! Not sure though.... I don't know the rules....)

  25. I'm so glad you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, which is writing. And the "hoodies going out of style" thing cracked me up, as that is a recurring nightmare for me, too.

  26. What ever you write I will read. This was laugh out loud funny. Midget Porn...who knew? I am too scared to even look. I wonder if there is gay midget porn though...hehe.

  27. Sorry about that DED.

    No worries. So far, it's just been the one. :)

    So I got busy writing a piece of fiction that's been swirling around in my head. ... Now I'm going to have to keep pushing through on this writing because I'm determined to finish it. I want this story to be complete.

    Excellent! Is this a short story, novella, or novel?

    I agree with your boss. You definitely have a novel in you. Reading your blog has convinced me of that.

  28. We have SBC and sometimes our 'net decides to go away... for no blooming reason what so ever! GAH!

    And... I would totally read your book! Write it allready! :P


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