I was busted by another stage mother for not attending the high school musical version of Aida currently being performed at the Dancer's school.
Guess I better get in the shower and scoot on out the door......
Dang. It was a rough morning around here. A very yelly and cranky and pick on your younger sister and get your face ripped off for it kind of morning. A parents turn on each other because the kids are out of control kind of morning. The kind of morning that makes me wish that I'd had more perspective about being raped in Brooklyn - figured it was just part of the Welcome Wagon activities - and stayed the hell in New York with the job that paid more and the children left far behind.
Did you know moms think that kind of thing? They do. I'm sure my mom did.
And yeah, I just made a joke about being raped. We all process things in our way, right?
So we ended up with a conversation like this:
Me: I have a solution to our problem with the kids and it doesn't involve ebay, duct tape or incendiary material.
MathMan: Lay it on me.
Me: You and I will get divorced and live in separate places and each of us will take one kid.
MathMan: (stares at me, eyebrows raised)
Me: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot the most important part.
MathMan: I'm waiting.
Me: We would still get together for sex three times a week.
MathMan: We'd have more sex that way.
Me: Exactly.
Okay, y'all. I've gotta roll. I may not get all the housework done that I'd planned, but maybe I'll be able to catch a nap in between intermissions!
Sounds like a brilliant solution. One question. Who gets Garbo?
ReplyDeleteWrap-around shades, Gurrrl. And don't snore.
ReplyDeleteI so know the feelings you express. i just hate soccer season for the same reason - all the parental guilt over not wanting to attend these activities. I am always relieved when I find another parent who does just LIVE for these events so we can be snarky together...
ReplyDeleteget your face ripped off for it kind of morning
ReplyDeleteWhere is the monkey cartoon?
That's why I had one.. I was never torn in more than 1 direction at a time...lol
ReplyDelete"We would still get together for sex three times a week"
ReplyDeleteDoes that mean the Centurion Project has officially been abandoned as "emission impossible"?
im sure my mom and dad had those conversations and I was the "odd" kid out lol
ReplyDeletehang in there tomorrow is monday what more could we want? :(
lol
ahhhhhhhh
ReplyDeletea wonderful post assuring me that no matter how different we are, we are in essence the same xx
Utah - As discussed, you get Garbo. Go ahead and call your agent. I'm sure she'd be happy as a clam acting and using up that dramatic energy.
ReplyDeleteCunning Runt - Great idea! I need some of those sunglasses. As it turns out, I'm a huge jerk for suggesting that I wouldn't enjoy the program. It was great! And the fact that I'm a jerk is not news, is it?
Susan - Yeah, I struggle with the guilt. I love my kids and I'm wicked proud of them, but I don't limit my activities or interests to those things involving The Spawn. Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged negatively by other parents because of it. My guilt working on me? Likely.
Buelahman - I'm going to have to fetch the monkey cartoon!
Annette - Funny you should mention having an only. Each of mine remind me that life for them and for me and MathMan would be SO much easier if they were the only child in the family.
Mountjoy - The Centurion Project, detailed here for newer readers, was a lovely fantasy.
Pido- You? The odd kid out? I can't believe that you might have teased your sisters to tears.
Lisa - I believe you are on to something. Common threads.....
Oh, Lis, you're an overworked mom pulled in waaaay too many directions - hang in there. You do a great job. It does sound like a sucky day, though, and I certainly can't blame you for thinking any of those things.
ReplyDeleteDamn, sex three times per week! How can any man refuse, especially from a woman known as D-cup?
ReplyDeleteBrilliant solution, but one question ... do you have a sister?
I'm glad that you are able to joke about that trauma now. Healing from that sort of thing is an "all hands" task for our psyches.
ReplyDeleteI think the duct tape is under-rated as an option, though. Use it on the next stage mom that guilts you out of rest, and see if things improve.
Bwahahaha - Sex Three Times a Week... What language is that? The words all look familiar, but they're meaningless in that combination after kids.
ReplyDeleteActually I'm sure I wouldn't like it that often - I get bored with most things if they happen too often, and I'd hate for this to get boring...
Though I gotta say, I like eating three times a day, and that never gets old. Actually, I'm hungry now (though that would be four meals today...).
Gotta go - I crave buttered toast or ice cream or something like that. The kind of thing that's going to all turn to fat if you eat it before bedtime. I never crave fruit and vegetables before bed... I should be painting, but I can't see for the imagined smell of melted butter on golden brown wheat toast. Leading cause of temporary blindness after 10:00 PM.
Don't let the guilt get you down. Remember that your children will grow up and move on. Then you and Mathman will be glad you retained your own interests and kept up your relationship.
ReplyDeleteIt's been said that you wouldn't worry so much about what others thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. Some days I need to have that tattooed on my forehead.
Co-parenting = co-sexing, hmmmm, that has appeal. You should write a relationship book on that. It'll be a hit.
ReplyDeleteI think I just remembered why I never wanted to have kids. Cats and dogs are so much easier and for some reason their never being cranky keeps me from getting cranky so often.
ReplyDeleteI really like y'all's idea better than ours. Ours usually involves digging holes in the back yard and that's a lot of work.
ReplyDeleteThe reason me and The Old Lady have stayed together for this long is that neither of us was willing to be stuck with the kids. It was you take them, No you take them!! Now it's not an issue.
ReplyDeleteHow can you fly back to Georgia from my house in Texas three times a week?
ReplyDelete;/
My kids are my life. Yet, I, too, have moments when I want nothing more than to run away. Being a parent can suck, even with all its joys.
ReplyDeleteI love it!--you are too funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to tell you--you inspired me to step out of my "comfort zone" a bit today, writing-wise. I resist going against my cheery nature in my writing, but sometimes you just gotta write what you're feeling, you know? :)
Divorce never sounded so sweet.
ReplyDeleteLisa, you continue to amaze me... even in the midst of your nutty life you make us all smile.
In all seriousness, this post kinda depressed me. Not because it seems everyone else in the world is getting laid but me. I'm used to that.
ReplyDeleteIt's that my douchebag "SO" suggested that very same thing only in all seriousness. Me moving out, with us dating occasionally. Without the promise of sex, of course.
At my age (50). Dating. Living in a rooming house, no doubt. How dare she? I ought to move out at the earliest opportunity just for her making that despicable suggestion.