Monday, February 9, 2009

Magpie Brain

Things grab my attention
And won't let go
Even as I flit to the next thing
They hang on.
Other things just get stuck in my craw.
And then there's all the crazy shit that goes on around me.

I listen to NPR and think in the shower. Yesterday as I shaved my legs, I fretted about the people we know in Australia. Were they near those devastating wildfires? FranIAm has the update. Thank you, Fran. Now I can go back to fretting about Jessica Simpson's unfortunate wardrobe choices and practicing singing Red Hot Chili Pepper songs in the shower so I can ace them on Rock Band at the expert.

A few days ago, Kay posted about her miscarriage. A commenter, anonymous, of course, made some hideous statements about hoping that Kay had learned her lesson about "sleeping around." I was so stunned by the callousness of this commenter who clearly thought he/she was doing some god's work by making such inhumane remarks. I want to make a deal with my religious friends - I will continue to tell my atheist friends to not call you a bunch of superstitious loons if you promise to smack "religious" people around when you see this kind of thing sullying your faith. It's going to take all of us calling bullshit on this kind of intolerance to get past our differences. Thank you.

Of course Kellogg's would go all priggish on us and cancel Michael Phelps' endorsement because he was caught smoking weed. This comes at a very inconvenient time for Golden Manor. You see, we just stocked up on Kellogg's products because we had coupon build-up. And Kellogg's products were on sale at Publix. So here's the thing - we want to participate in the protest/boycott of Kellogg's. But what do you expect me to do? Leave the boxes of cereal to go to waste? Take them back to Publix? Can you really see me standing in line at the customer service to return Apple Jacks and Pop Tarts?

Don't count us out, though. We're going to boycott from here on. And I've instructed The Spawn that when they do eat the Kelloggs' products, they are NOT to enjoy them and they are to do it with bitterness in their hearts and a very angry face.

I'm doing what I can here, people. And I don't even smoke weed. You read this blog - you get peeks inside my hamster infested brain. I ask you - how would weed enhance this?

I was fully prepared to shout at the television tomorrow morning when I got my masochistic freak on watching Morning Joe. But this time I had some perspective. The shouting, though ineffective as usual, was oh so much more gratifying.

Willis blogs. Oh yes he does.

I found some old journals. Hoo boy, can't wait to see what kind of revelations can be found amongst the whining about old jobs and the perceived horror of being a twenty-something married chick before children. I'm afraid if I really go back and delve into them, I might owe some people big,fat apologies for long forgotten slights and misdeeds.

Cupcake has a new name again. We're going to call her Garbo here on the blog. Along with hating school and making herself throw up, now she's got a thing about wanting to be alone. Alone, of course, means in the master bedroom with the good television and crumbly foodstuffs that leave nasty gifties in the bordello bed.

If she keeps this crazy up, we're going to call her Sybil.

She spent all Sunday rotting her brain watching America's Next Top Model. When MathMan sent her to bed, she protested with the kind of vigor reserved exclusively for television-related tantrums. MathMan held firm and directed her to bed. A bit later, his cell phone rang. I watched him across the desk as he answered, a bemused look on his face.

"Daddy...." I could hear Garbo's sweetest, most cloyingly precious voice from where I sat. He smiled as he listened briefly to her pleas. When they reached a crescendo of television withdrawal screechings, he said calmly into the phone, "Listen to my answer...." and then he clicked his hang up button.

I roared with laughter. I'm sure Garbo could hear it from down the hallway where she was probably standing at her door, waiting for her daddy to cave in and say 'Of course you can go watch that stupid program just so I can have some peace and quiet.'

It's always worked before. This new resolve is not sitting well with Garbo. A few seconds later, MathMan's phone rang again. He rejected the call. This time, a text message came through. Turns out, it wasn't a text. It was a picture.....

Her mother ought to tell her that her face is going to freeze like that.


  1. Yes…. The idea of tolerance needs to go both ways. I have friends who are religious and friends that aren’t and If life has taught me anything it is that there are asshole people on both sides of the fence.

    Thanks for not being one of them : )

  2. From Cupcake to Garbo, wow. Your little girl is growing up!
    Nice melange of topics and links. :-)

  3. The fruitcake that left the God wills It" comment on Kay's blog (which is great by the by, I love shopping on your site!) uses the same logic as "the gays caused 9-11". I'm embarrassed that anyone can be that stupid and sorry that Kay had to read it.

    Cupcake, Garbo, & Resident Evil....Sybil is probably right on! All I know is she's as pretty as her Mom and somebody have to pass along that stubborn streak!

    And who's this "willis" dude?

  4. First, you'd think Kellogg's would embrace the pot--think of all the "munchies" commercials to be had! They are missing a golden opportunity, the idiots.

    Second, I hereby give you and Mathman the Meanest Parents in the World Award. It is a singular honor. I know you will appreciate it as the compliment it so surely is. Keith and I love ours.

  5. Tolerance is only for those in the same cult, they have to slap down everybody else so they will learn that 'God' loves them.

    I thought teh gays caused Hurricane Katrina?

    I guess I'm ahead of the curve as I have been boycotting Kellog's for years because all the cereals are loaded with high fructose corn syrup which the body can't use.

  6. Mathman didn't cave? I heart you dude!!! ;)

    You have way too much on your little mind woman...but it makes for great reading!

  7. Parallel lives again! Our 9-year-old cupcake was pitching major tantrums and attitude last night too - I'm thinking it was the full moon.

    Sanctimonious people chap my hide.

    I'm glad I never kept journals because I was a clueless dink in my 20's.

  8. I wish you strength for Garbo...(she's the youngest? My youngest throws the best tantrums....he wins much too frequently....)

  9. So I take it that she vonts to be alone?

  10. Your daughter showed us by trashing her room before she went to sleep. She's poo poo.

  11. Garbo eh? I was thinking it might be just to the drama she does so well...ahh, what a joy puberty is going to be. Gotta love em! I went to read Kay's blog, and what a heartfelt post on her loss, and what an idiot@@. I'm allowed to be a Christian and have a brain and think for myself, it's amazing.
    I liked the post ,many links, lots of fun.

  12. Man oh man, that was a fun stream-of-consciousness. Major teacher-of-teenagers shout out to MathMan for standing his ground :D

    And dumb old Kellogg's + righteous, insensitive fools; puh-lease.

    Happy Monday!

  13. Thanks for sending us to Kay's place. I gave Anonymous a smack. It felt good.

    I don't hit children or I'd offer to smack Garbo for you.

    That is a CLASSIC shot of your better half.

  14. You reveal the workings of your "hamster brain" and we are duly amused. (Although not about the miscarriage, Australia's fires and American hypocrisy of course.) I do reserve the right to laugh at Garbo.

  15. That Garbo thing: I feel like you're foretelling the doom that awaits me. It's coming like a steaming locomotive and there's nada I can do. Help. Me.

  16. So will Kellogs now have a company wide compulsory drug screen for all employees (and execs), and all those employees who test positive for pot (or worse) be suspended for three months? I mean, damn the profits, there are morals at stake here, right?

    Oh, for sure that is gonna happen.


  17. Garbo--ha ha! That picture is high-larious.

    Re Phelps--I think that Frito-Lay should jump on that PRONTO. What else do people want when they have the munchies? Duuuuude!

  18. I've been called worse than a superstitious loon, so don't waste too much effort on that score. But that poster was an a-hole, and I have no qualms about telling people who say such loathsome things what for.

  19. Thanks for the link - it just keeps getting worse over there, arson. And as the fires go out, it seems arsonists relight them.

    On a lighter note, I do like that Garbo theme... I must email you and tell you what my own little darling said tonight.

  20. "...making herself throw up...?!? Lisa, I hate to be a party-pooper here, but maybe Garbo needs a little TLC (no, not THC). Isn't she only 9 or 10 years old? She sounds troubled. I know, it's none of my business, but darn it! That's what you get for making me feel like I know and love your whole sweet little family!

  21. Oh Lisa, that photo, an eloquent gesture of defeat (a bit like the bastards of Bastogne in the Battle of the Bulge) has cheered me up no end after all the photos I haven't been able to stop myself looking at for days....

  22. What a lovely age, isn't it? As soon as you and Math Man learn you are totally WRONG about everything, I guarantee more harmony in the home.

  23. My fiance and I are trying to have kids, hopefully, if God does her miracle thing, then we will try to rule as you and Mathman do.

  24. Good Lord, I'm just so glad I'm too old to have had kids at the same time as cell phone technology. You guys are like a happy combo of the Cleavers and the Simpsons.

  25. Ha - what a great post! Love it!

    BTW, thanks for visiting my blog - I really appreciate that!

    Take care and see you around the 'sphere...

    :^) Anna

  26. I'm just reading Kay's blog....

  27. FWIW re: the Aussie fires...

    We had what I call a "heat storm" Saturday. The weather forecasters had been predicting it since mid-week, so it was not unexpected. The weather patterns here are simple enough that they can tell days in advance when a front is coming, and where the winds will be from. So everyone was battening down the hatches.

    The temp was 22 degrees Celsius in the wee hours Saturday, but then the wind started coming straight out of the north. A north wind here is like that -- like standing in front of the pizza oven with the door open. By 6 p.m., the temp went to 46.4, hottest since they started keeping records in 1854. Then another front, a cold one, blew through. It was like someone had opened the refrigerator door! By midnight, the temp was 21. That's a 25-degree swing -- equal to 45 degrees F -- up and down within 24 hours.

    It was weird for us in the city, but catastrophic for those in the bush. A 3-day heat wave with temps in the 115-F range the week before had dried everything out. The clash of fronts caused lightning, and there were arsonists that set stuff off, just as idiots do in the U.S. Bush people prepare their homes for fire, and they know how to survive. But this hit so fast and violently that many were trapped. Lots had stayed behind to take care of their horses and cattle, too. Dozens died in their cars when hey went into walls of flame and ran off the road or into trees that had fallen.

    About a month ago, Mrs. Bukko and I had driven through Kinglake, one of the towns that burned. It's not far from downtown Melbourne, about an hour's drive. It's in an area of low mountains, like the Poconos in Pennsylvania, that are covered with eucalyptus trees. The authorities leave it undeveloped because it's the water catchment area for this region. However, the towns tend to be located on small dammed lakes between the ridges, with the only access being two-lane roads, usually just one way in and out. When the fire front jumps from ridge to ridge, there's no chance.

    In town, I didn't even know anything was happening until I heard the news reports the next day. We have some nurses who live out that way, so they were plugged to the radio on the computer Sunday. In 2006, there were fires burning to the west that I could see from the hospital. But not even any smoke smell here this year. Oddly, it's gone back to cool weather for summer now.

    Spare a thought for those plucky "ockers" who died. They're the stereotypical "Crocodile Dundee" farmer types you think of when you envision an Aussie. Poor bastards...

  28. Garbo - such an appropriate name for one afflicted with tweenage angst. She will come out of this, I promise. Love the picture on Mathman's phone though!

    Re: the old journals - if yours are as humiliating to read as mine you will probably burn them. I found mine over at my mom's when she was moving so I thought I'd plumb them for some blog fodder. Oh, no, I don't think so! I imagined myself dead in some airline crash and my husband, friends and relatives all cleaning out my house and finding them...I couldn't quite bear to destroy all of them but I ripped out the most offending and embarrassing pages and yes, burned them!

  29. Bukko, thanks for the update on the fires - my heart goes out to all of you. I've been there and can't imagine this destruction, it must be terrible.

  30. That picture is adorable. See, this is what happens when you give kids cell phones.

    ...Well I guess it beats her sending smoke signals.

  31. That picture is adorable. See, this is what happens when you give kids cell phones.

    ...Well I guess it beats her sending smoke signals.

  32. Hee hee hee! I like MathMan's expression. I don't think he's likely to cave in. He seems pretty amused about it.


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