Yes, that was me lying through my smile to a ten year old first thing this morning. Oh, yes, I was going to be going to the office later in the day so she could just shut up about her aching tummy and how she really needed to stay home.
Yes that was me, vacuuming, Windexing emptying, folding, sweeping, filling and wiping at 7:30 a.m. because I just couldn't muster the energy to do it over the weekend.
Yes that was me, sighing a martyr's sigh as I walked out into the soft rain to collect things my children had left out in the yard yesterday when they played in the gorgeous sunshine.
Yes, that was me, grumbling to Jim Cramer that he's a fuckhead and wondering how he gets to call himself a financial "expert" when he clearly doesn't know what the term middle class means to most of the middle class.
Yes, that was me, shuffling the bank statement and receipts for the third time and still not sitting down to update Quicken.
Yes, that was me, trying to stay cool on the phone with the school counselor. The ten year old didn't buy my lies and was sure that she was dying and must come home to die in comfort in front of the television.
No, that was the school counselor, laughing as she mentioned that she's got a kid at home, too, who's currently working every possible angle to get out of school. Thank goodness she understands that I'm ready to snap Cupcake in half.
Yes, that was me, hissing invectives, lies and threats over the telephone wire to the crying, dying of a sick tummy ten year old.
Yes, that was me, thinking it's time to seriously consider military school for Cupcake.
No, that wasn't me making that sound, it was the tow truck was beep, beep, beeping backward down the driveway.
Yes, that was me, standing in the rain, explaining to the nice guy from the tow truck company that I don't have a Triple A card. Yes, I could see that his order to pick up the car says that I have a Triple A card, but I don't. I'm sure after I get the bill, I'll wish I did.
Yes, that was me, wondering where in the hell those little black dogs came from and why did they have to show up just as my broken down car was being loaded onto the back of the flatbed.
Yes, that was me, clicking my tongue at the little male dog who was humping the little female dog as she looked mournfully at me. Clearly,this was not her idea to follow me into the garage and get poked by her friend in the corner where the baseball stuff is stored.
No, that wasn't me, it was Andy, the tow truck guy who'd finally given up on trying to force a Triple A card out of me trying not to blush about the fornicating canines.
Yes, that was me, wishing I'd just taken a vacation day instead of using up today as my work from home day. I could use some time in bed watching television, napping and reading the book I'm trying to finish.
Yes, that was me, watching the bickering finches make a mess at the birdfeeder.
Yes, that was me, considering the vodka in the freezer as a potential accompaniment to my second cup of coffee.
Yes, that was me, smiling because some old work pals had confirmed me as friends on Facebook.
Yes, that was me, rememebering to keep a good thought for The Actor's baseball tryouts today. Dang, I hope me makes the team.
Yes, that was me, thinking that the minute I stopped to take a pee, my phone would ring.
No, that was my boss J, who wanted to chat for a few minutes before his next appointment. Did he catch me at a bad time?
Yes, that was me, deciding it would be a bad idea to flush while on the phone with J. He doesn't need to know I was multi-tasking. He's a tad squeamish, as it is.
Yes, that was me, sneaking a handful of M&Ms out of the cabinet while two co-dependent cats looked at me yearnfully, hoping with all their furry might that I'd opened the cabine to fetch tuna. Silly cats. I don't eat tuna.
Yes, that was me, considering making a dumb video, showing you what it's like to be stuck in the middle of nowhere, miles from anything, on a chilly, rainy day, without any transportation.
Yes, that was me, reading The Dancer's emails upon her request - okay, maybe I read one or two that I hadn't been expressly authorized to read, but they were college emails, nothing personal. And wow - I'm impressed at that kid's ability to write a businesslike email. Who says kids aren't being taught how to communicate professionally?
Yes, that was me, marking all my political rss feeds as read. I'm so sick of politics right now, I don't even want to think about the process.
Yes, that was me, wondering how many times I can listen to the Midsomer Murder theme music before I go crazier than I already am.
Yes, that was me, handling The Dancer's toe pads like they are toxic waste. Like? There's no question, they are toxic. Next time I touch them, I'll be sure to wear latex gloves.
Yes, that's me, looking at the rain as it has transitioned from a soft patter to a steady downpour. Wonder if I'll lose internet access? I hope not, but if I do, that idea of going back to bed is becoming more and more likely....
I loved the way you wrote this! *smiles*
ReplyDeleteHope you enjoy the rest of your day and stop doing so much housework! :)
Sounds lovely. Rain, no snow. And poor Cupcake, having to die of a tummyache in school instead of in front of the TV watching Judy Judy. Just tell her that the car is broken and you have no way of picking her up! Oh, and the Judge Judy remark, is really the way I want to go. Judge Judy marathon!
ReplyDeleteMaryCatholic
Wow. You had quite the day. :(
ReplyDeleteIf toe pads are anything like the old wool I had to cram into my pointe shoes as a tween, then they must be deeeesgusting. Twelve years after quitting ballet, and my feet are still gross.
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ReplyDeleteCupcake is nothing if not determined. SG2 went through a phase of missing the bus on purpose until I started to make her walk to school. I'd admit I was scared shitless that she wouldn't arrive ok due to the rural highway but it worked.
ReplyDeleteI understand how that kid is driving you nuts, me too. But I like the way you word this stuff. It is almost religious in its "responisve-ish" way. I won't say anything about worship, I promise.
ReplyDeletehousework--someone's gotta do it.
ReplyDeletewhat I want to know is why's it always me.
Mmmmm- this is good. Yes, that is you.
ReplyDeletePoor Lisa!
ReplyDeleteI relate to the plight of a mama of the hypochondriac 10 year old. Except it turns out she has strep throat.
So I guess she's not a hypochondriac.
Damn, I hate it when that happens.
And don't say you're sick of politics. Just think about what it's been like the past eight years. Cheer up, buttercup.
XOXO
Heh, is it bad that I have a bit of envy for your day?
ReplyDeleteHey! Look! January is over!!!! YAY!
big hug...:)
ReplyDeletelisa, you do too much house work and not enough playtime for lisa!! in my ever so humble opinion, of course...
ReplyDeletethis little cupcake is going to be the death of you! that's one stubborn kid YOU birthed :)
well, speaking of cupcakes,why don't you eat a couple and watch tv, the mindless kind, for the rest of the night, and take tomorrow off and do nothing but nothing...figure out a way to treat you, even if it's a coffee at starbucks with nobody to pick up or cook for...can you ? please? I don't want to see you have a nervous breakdown or whatever they call them nowadays.
Was that really you Lisa?
ReplyDeleteJanuary was a month of Mondays. Sounds like February isn't very different.
ReplyDeleteHey, I have an idea. I'll come down to Atlanta and you play hooky and we go paint the town whatever color it needs to be painted.
Or at least have lunch?
Does July 17th work for you?
(No, really. The conference doesn't start until the 18th. I'll come down after work the 16th.)
You make prose read like poetry. Also, I love that you have the courage to flush while on the phone. I am too much of a coward.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. I had your day. But mine was all about work people (not family) and I was at the office, and it was sunny here, and there were no fornicating dogs anywhere for miles. But otherwise it was amazing how you wrote my day for me. I appreciate that, since I really didn't want to go through it again to write it. I hope we both have much better days tomorrow. Too many of these in a row can leave people feeling like crumpled empty brown paper sacks left out in the rain.
ReplyDeleteSo now I'm going to pick up Abner (Wow, my second brush just got named in this comment on your blog. Look at how that happened - I've been letting names float around and I was only certain that brush number 1 is female, but now brush #2 (naturally it's the number 2 brush that's the guy) turns out to be male and even gets a name) and see what happens. Maybe he has some clue about the garden...
Man, Mondays are hard, no? This was a compelling post. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteDelectable choice of a format. Cool yet very compelling structure. I think you should take up writing in your spare time :-)
ReplyDelete"Yes, that was me, wondering where in the hell those little black dogs came from and why did they have to show up just as my broken down car was being loaded onto the back of the flatbed.
ReplyDeleteYes, that was me, clicking my tongue at the little male dog who was humping the little female dog as she looked mournfully at me. Clearly,this was not her idea to follow me into the garage and get poked by her friend in the corner where the baseball stuff is stored."
I'll be laughing at this for hours.
This is a lovely form for you. Very poetic. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I'm serious.
Oh my you have had a day! Put your feet up and we will share the vodka. You know an AAA card only costs $89 a year and right now they are running specials. I don't know what you had to pay tow truck guy, but I'm just thinking out loud. Sorry I don't mean to sound like a commercial for M's company. I bet a day at work would almost be relaxing.
ReplyDeletePretty funny post. Your write so great. Thanks for your note today. I hope things get brighter, and I know day by day they will. Trust me.
Parallel lives again!! I think our 9/10 year old daughters were separated at birth.
ReplyDeleteThe more I read about Cupcake, the more I think she and my son will totally hit it off someday. Then I wonder if A) they will ever actually meet and B) if it would be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the crazy things that go through my head some days. Forgive me.
Lisa, I enjoyed your moment by moment description of you day.
ReplyDeleteWe had to establish rules of being sick when I stopped working and the girls were 7. You must be bleeding, puking or running a temp over 100 to stay home or have me come and get you....lol.
Bummer about the PB car......any idea what's wrong with it?
Had to laugh about the toe pads, with me it's goalie gloves and shin guards......softball equiptment isn't as nasty as soccer, go figure.
Best Mcgyver ever.....
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