Friday, March 27, 2009

Obviously, My Body Is Craving Healthy Food

And I continue to deny it.

In other news........

Oh, it might have been the rest, or it could have been the medicine, copious amounts of television did not hurt. But whatever it was, whatever it did, it worked. I am cured. Mostly (the phlegm still runs freely down my throat, Randal)

I am cured. Like a ham? Could be. I am well enough to be out of bed and doing some things. Not necessary things, mind you, but things.

Items still must be packed. And moved. And unpacked. I'm still not doing those things, but I'm doing - things.

For example, I ate cinnamon toast for breakfast. I put sugar in my tea. Had Oreos for brunch. I ate the last two scoops of Mayfield vanilla ice cream because if Garbo and The Actor both decided they wanted ice cream at the same time, there would have been a fight. I ate ice cream to quell an argument that hadn't even started.

I'm on a health kick, can't you tell?

I finally showered and that felt like a good thing. As did vacuuming the bedroom. It needed it. I needed to vacuum. There, I said it. Hi, my name is Lisa and I am addicted to vacuuming.

I looked out the window and I could see a cat leg stretched out over a cat body. The cat was having its own kind of shower. I, however, cannot lick my own ass. (My mother just shuddered and doesn't know why.)

I started watching Mon Oncle d'Amerique and it made me crave pastry. The French language is dangerous to my weight loss plan. So is this health kick, apparently. Yes, I know - most people don't use the term health kick when talking about things that are bad for their health.

My mother always said "Lisa, you aren't other people." That line came right before the "If your friends jump off a bridge...." question. And my mother regretted the question years later when she learned that I did, if fact, jump off a bridge because my friends were doing just that. Jumping off a bridge.

Except - full disclosure - I didn't jump because I really wanted to. I got ready to jump, changed my mind, but couldn't get back over the railing. There was only one way off the bridge. It was 33 feet down. In a sitting position. There's nothing quite as bracing as a creek water douche/enema. I don't care what anyone says.

I'm not saying it's more painful than childbirth, but there is nothing like it either so let's not quibble.

Today the sun is not shining and a thin veil of rain drizzles from the sky which is currently wearing its own veil of cotton batting clouds that have been stretched over a lamp. The sun is up there somewhere.

None of this will not stop me in my quest to accomplish Something.

I mean, when the ponytail holder got caught in my hair just now, I was quick and decisive. Thankfully, my aim with the scissors was good and I didn't lose too much hair.

And when MathMan called and reminded me that he's going out tonight, I was grateful for the reminder because I had forgotten our conversation from this morning. I bid him a good time with friends. He burped in my ear. There are special ways we show our love for each other. This is one of them.

I am cured like a ham. Or am I pickled?
Ham. That makes me hungry again. Except Garbo and her grabbing hands have probably been in the ham that sits waiting to be eaten in the refrigerator. I do not like to eat or drink after my children. I love them, but they are gross.

But I kiss the cats on the lips and they lick their own asses. Go figure. I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Or I'm just gross. Yes - that's it. I'm gross so I don't share food or drink with my kids to protect them. The kids, not the cats whom I kiss on the lips.

Speaking of cats, I can hear a cat throwing up so I ask "What have you been eating?" As if I expect the cat to stop vomiting and answer me. I know they understand me. They simply choose to not answer.

Another cat has run to investigate the gagging and hoiking sounds. I've asked him to report back. It's a waste of time, of course. He will choose not to answer me either.

Garbo once wrote a story called "The Cat's Been Bad." It could have applied to any of our cats, but she claimed it was fictional.

Now I'm watching Office Space because if I watch a Prairie Home Companion in Spanish, I'll just end up craving Mexican food. That will not do because payday isn't until Tuesday. Dammit. And the Mexican restaurant out here in the middle of nowhere appears to have closed.

No, I am not taking drugs at the moment. I don't think. I've been hoarding my Phentermine since I won't get to see my dealer until at least next Thursday. No wonder my ass has been dragging - lack of speed will do that to a person. The coming down is tough.

You see right through this, though, don't you? It's not about drugs or lack of drugs or illness or cats or burping in my ear. You recognize work avoidance when you see it. I see you now, pointing at those boxes waiting to be packed. I relent because I know you're right.

It's time to get moving......

P.S. I have made it as far as loading up my car. I need a break, of course. Perhaps I'll eat some ham first.


  1. Hamsammiches are good; had one about an hour ago, might have another before I go to bed tonight. Ham is a good thing, kid germs or no.


  2. You're randomness is at the extreme. I love to vacuum - it's the only thing that gives you instant gratification and the noise drowns out the fighting kids.

  3. Just wondering: is Badger's-Drift your address or your surname? :)
    btw: glad you like that photo, and if you go here:

    you can see the whole thing as well as a few other photos of my old sod....

  4. Now I crave ham. How could you?

    Anyone who loves to vacuum is a hard working clean person. I hate to vacuum. Cyrus hates it when I vacuum. I often use him as an excuse not to vacuum.

    The pictures in the post are terrific.

    Now I crave Mexican food. Damn. I guess I'll have to eat those four glazed donuts instead.

    You have your phentermine, I have my pot. We could be twins.

    Do you like fart humor too?

  5. Yay, phlegm!

    Cured ham is good, but don't Oreos contain some weirdo laboratory-created chemical that cannot be broken down by the human body?

    If one speaks French, one gains weight? Since British food is notoriously bad, I should Netflix some of that BBC stuff you're always praising.

    Have you guys thought about making an obscene mess of the place, calling FEMA and telling them that it was a mini-tornado? I'm sure they'd send some non-arabian horse trainers to pack and move your stuff. Make the government work for you.

  6. Nicely balanced.

    Phlegm seems sometimes to be a fifth food group from the amount that gets coughed up and promptly swallowed.

  7. Mmmmmmm, sugar. It's good for whatever ails you.

  8. Sorry, about the belch this afternoon. I am glad you are feeling better, too and what else did you say? Oh, the ice cream that was funny but so true but it only prevented one argument -they'll find something else to fight about...

  9. To cure that ham craving, check out the cell phone ad over at "Kill This Character." It features a hog eating ham.
    I may never eat ham again after watching that ad- not that I too am a hog, but...well, it's just gross to watch a hog eating ham.
    Besides, aren't you halfway Jewish or something?

  10. Blogger down!

    Please stop by and offer her your support.


  11. Man, you never fail to make me laugh, you know that? :)

    And just so you know, since you're "addicted to vacuuming," you are hereby invited to visit us (i.e. vacuum for us) any time. *grin*

  12. You seem to be avoiding the healthy food ok but I have to say when ever I crave healthy food I try to get a bottle of wine to drink and sit back and wait till the craving passes. It's important to learn self control and not give in to these things.

  13. You know, you burn calories fighting off a cold. You burn off even more if you have a fever. Just saying.

  14. the dang cars do know the answers and they could tell us but they DONT
    Dang cats.

  15. thanks for making me laugh....that jump off the bridge was worth laughing about! grins* i would have killed you if you had been my kid but then , you were as good at being sneaky as i am/was....

    glad you feel well enough to eat ham and everything else in sight...why are your cats always throwing up?

    oh well...
    don't work hard.

  16. It may be difficult to believe, but Scandy here has a little vacuuming issue, too! I love it! I'm obsessed!

  17. Ok, two things. One...this was a laugh out loud funny post. For a couple reasons. Two, my bbf who I walked down the aisle some years back has a vacuum affliction. She refuses to leave the house until she has cleaned everything and proceeds to vacuum herself into the corner closest to the exit. So that when she comes home there is not a single footprint on the carpet. And I thought that I was tormented?

  18. Graeters Ice Cream. Must. Find. Graeters.

  19. That's precious, you'll kiss cats that lick their own asses, but you are afraid of kid cooties!!

  20. You make me laugh. I never know what's coming round the next corner. Where does it come from?

  21. Lisa, you always make me laugh! So good to know that you're on the mend.

    Packing sucks! No way around that one.

    I've gotta go vacuume. Darn it!


  22. Vacuuming is like working out: So satisfying when it's done, so hard to get started... I need to do both more.

    I am a doorknob wiper, a major germophobe. So why is it that I have zero problem letting the cat lick my mouth to say hello?

    I hear you!

    Good on you for loading the car. You deserve a ham snack!


  23. Do cats have lips?? If they do, no human should be kissing them! No wonder you've been sick! I don't care if all the other kids are kissing their cats on their germy semi-lips. If all the other kids jumped off the bridge... oh...wait...

    And Lisa! Ditch the ham! Send one of your kids out to the deli for some nice pastrami! A Ruben sandwich, on toasted rye bread will have you speeding the natural way! Now, get packing!

  24. This was a wonderful adventure in stream of consciousness. Also funny. And it made me hungry. Except for the part about the cat hoicking maybe. (Although that would make Diva hungry).

  25. I'd like a ham sandwich myself please. Pickles also :)

  26. Don't ask. To a cat, vomiting is a very personal thing.


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