Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Carpool Log Day One: Ask Yourself This.....

MathMan and I made it through our first co-commute yesterday without a single puppet show. Thanks to those who provided future programming suggestions. What great ideas! However, I want you to consider carefully before encouraging me to vlog. Aren't I insufferable enough using the written word?

So this is how our afternoon commute went as we made the short drive from my office to our marriage counselor's office. Oh the irony.

First, I started out examining my face in the mirror behind the car's window visor. Why is it that I always see stray hairs that must be plucked only when I'm in the car and have no tweezers?

Next up, MathMan made a left turn and didn't stay in his lane. I chided him briefly but then I got distracted by the German bakery on Atlanta Road. My stomach growled.

I asked "How about if we stop there and buy some German pastries and then we stop at Douceur de France and buy some eclair?. We can do a World War II re-enactment and my mouth can be the Ardennes." (history nerd humor + food humor - Epic FAIL).

MathMan responded with alacrity, "That would give new meaning to the Battle of the Bulge."

I laughed because I actually got that joke and then looked down at my tummy and sucked it in really tightly, trying to meld it with my spine. More FAIL.

As usual, I was not happy about having to go to see our therapist. I don't see why we need to go talk to some guy about our marriage. And hey! he doesn't even have fab eyebrows. When MathMan picked me up at the office I moaned, kvetched and then whined a little. He was unmoved. I decided to take the direct approach - petulance and threats.

"I'm not going to talk. I just going to sit there with my arms crossed and glare at a spot on the wall. YOU can do all the talking," I huffed, then flounced away, shuffled some papers, clicked my mouse and watched MathMan from under my eyelashes as I pretended to concentrate on my computer screen.

Still nothing. His calm demeanor can be so annoying.

So there we sat about forty-five minutes later and my resolve was gone. I was participating, making a go of it, taking an enthusiastic part in the conversation about our relationship with each other and with The Spawn.

Then our therapist picked up this book and held it up so we could see the cover. The title was The One Question That Can Save Your Marriage by Harry P. Dunne, PhD.

Thankfully, our therapist isn't one to expect us to actually read the book, although I'm sure he thinks it might be a good idea. Nor is he one who thrives on the dramatic. He just cut right to the chase.

"The question is pretty simple," he began. MathMan and I waited quietly, patiently. I don't know what MathMan was thinking, but I know what I was thinking. There's just one question?

"The question is What would it be like to be married to you?"

I gasped first, then let out a very unladylike guffaw. MathMan seemed to ponder this quietly. Gathering my wits about me, I sucked in my breath and watched him. When he looked at me, I gestured that I would choke me with my bare hands. He just blinked at me as if to say "As if I haven't considered that a million times and dismissed it because I don't want to go to jail because of you."

We left the office with our next appointment scheduled and some thinking to do. What would it be like to be married to me?

The very idea gives me the shakes......

To be continued.......


  1. That question will definitely lead me to drink, as I realize that my husband has always had every right to growl at me.

  2. Oh shit, Lisa. I read the BIG question just as I was taking a sip of hot bourbon (with a splash of coffee) and snorted it out my nostrils. Good morning sinuses!
    But I'm thinking both of our quiet hubbies would be in a coma and missing out on crazy ass life adventures they never knew existed without us.

  3. What would save my marriage is if we lived across town from each other and could date.

  4. I asked "How about if we stop there and buy some German pastries and then we stop at Douceur de France and buy some eclair?. We can do a World War II re-enactment and my mouth can be the Ardennes." (history nerd humor + food humor - Epic FAIL).Fail? That's about the damned cleverest thing I've read in weeks. But then I have a B.A. in history and a love of pastry so there you are.

  5. Holy shit. I read that big question, and my mind just epic-failed. The engine died, the sun set, the brain cells flipped the sign to "CLOSED" and my eyes glazed over. It took me at least an hour to recover and type this.

  6. Scandy - On many levels, I must agree. Sorry about the sinus cleansing. Better than a neti pot?

    Blondesense - LOLOLOLOL! I wonder if that wouldn't be key to happiness for many couples.

    Dean - I'm glad you thought it was funny. I thought it was, too. And then it just made me really, really hungry.

    DGuzman - I know, I know. Let's just say it's a good thing I didn't blog our ride HOME from the therapists office where I kept asking - but why? WHY? Because if I were him and he were me? No way! I'd be doing time!

  7. Easy answer for us. We're both on medication still...
    xxx ;)))

  8. Heh, well good luck with that, I wonder about the question... as in "what wwould it be like for lisa to be married to lisa?"... because wow, there are no words.

    To be fair, "what would it be like for Kay to be married to Kay?" would result in a =n epic black hole of awesome.

    Think about it.

  9. No comment.... well here anyway...

  10. I think it would be great to be married to me, which only proves that the insane Mrs. Graves' viewpoint is wrong.

    Next time, do a Zap Brannigan doing Kirk 'captain's log' deals. This blog isn't nearly as geeky as it could be.

  11. sounds like so much fun...I think I will stop harassing my dh about the idea...sounds horrid to me now.

    if I have been vacant, it's because the thundering hoards will be descending within hours for TWO weeks...gasp...

  12. This is precisely why I stopped marrying. Obviously, neither I nor anyone else could stand to be married to me. I can barely stand to live with me but if I were married to me, I'm be in jail by now. Because I'd get bossy and controlling and complain that I was the only one who ever shopped, cooked, cleaned up, did laundry, etc. This was always my list of grievances during my days of trying to mate. I'm insufferable.

  13. What Utah Savage said...lol

    that is exactly why I am single and stay that way.. I have my grandkids over once in a while..love them and send them home...lol just me and my dog and sometimes I get angry with him and he gets angry with me and growls when I crowd him in bed..and he only weighs 8 lbs.

  14. I was trying to figure out something dirty to say about the whole "Ardennes Battle in your mouth" thing, but just couldn't do it. . .

    What would it be like being married to me? Oh, Good Lord. Don't even get me started! i think I would divorce me.

  15. Loving the WWII pastry geek humour. On the question,I suppose its a good way to get each member of the couple to look inside themselves instead of that the flaws of the other...

  16. I think any junior high student knows the answer to that question. Dude, if I were married to myself, that would make me gay, duh.

  17. Being married is a blessing and a curse. When it's good it's really good and when it's rough it's really really rough.

    Keep your sense of humor and spend lots of time in the new house breaking in the new master bedroom.

    Count yourselves lucky you could both be married to me and I am no walk in the park.

  18. Do I have to be married to me right now, during my period? Because there are other times I would much rather be married to me. Just not right now.

  19. well there is a reason I've never been married lol

  20. Now that IS an interesting question!--wow, something to think about. Ya' never think about that! It is a kind-of scary thought to ponder... :)

    Also, you guys are such awesome NERDS! LOVE the Epic FAIL!! LOL! :)

  21. I proposed to myself once and accepted but we never made it past the altar when I said "I do" and I said "I don't".

    Let's call the whole thing off.

  22. So swift of MathMan to come back with that comment about the WWII battle... Very sharp. The comment that led to it was clever and geeky - I appreciated that too.

    The "one question..." Hmmm. I think I'd kick me in the ass for being such a bulldozer or such a suck-up by turns. I don't do the middle well.

  23. You both get fifty bonus points for making history based food jokes.

  24. Ooh, you have made me ask that final question of myself. Why did you do that? Don't make me feel sorry for He-weasel.

  25. Unfortunately, I lost the Battle of the Bulge long ago. I blame the French! **sigh**

  26. I'm not sure I'd marry me. I doubt I'd have the patience.

  27. You've certainly set the bar high for WWII pastry humor. ;-)

  28. Yeah, that's not a question I would want to answer either. I guess that's why I don't go to therapy. They make you think about stuff you don't want to! ;-)


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