Monday, April 13, 2009

Driving Miss Lisa


On Friday night, after the tornado sirens stopped going off and we emerged from our basement like peevish moles, we waved a fond farewell to the lemon Kia. Thank goodness on the one hand. That car was so temperamental and expensive to maintain. On the other hand, we're now tethered together each morning and afternoon and, although we enjoy each other's company immensely, we're about to experience togetherness like we haven't in many, many years.

Gone will be the time to switch gears between work and home at the end of the day. I won't be able to burn through cell phone minutes passing the boring drive by gabbing away with friends. I won't be able to shout "Hey, Brassy!" at MathMan's friend's horse each day on my way to and from work when I pass his paddock.

I'll leave it to MathMan to tell you what he won't be able to do now that I'll be riding snuggled up against him during the hour long commute. I'm sure it would involve listening to sports talk radio in peace - not having a person sitting next to him snorting with derision and lolling her head against the passenger side window, begging him to please, for the love god, please change the channel. How about the weather and traffic?

I'm thinking all this togetherness might make for the occasional blog post, but I don't want to jinx the idea by thinking it now. If I expect something curious or interesting or even funny to happen so that I can write about it, we'll just end up discussing hideously mundane things like what we'll make for dinner, who's responsible for delivering the bedtime beatings to The Spawn and whether or not we'll have time to practice that new square dance we're trying to perfect.
I do have a back up plan, though. I've been contemplating writing the occasional post providing driving tips for the clueless. You see, here in Georgia, there wasn't a mandated formal driver's education program until a couple of years ago. The lack of such formal education shows. A lot. Now, native Georgians might get a little miffed at being singled out, so my driving tips will not be framed in such a way as to make the locals feel bad. Goodness knows, there are bad drivers every where.

If it comes to that, I think my first post will be something like "Go on, inch out into the intersection already! You've got people behind you who know how to make a left turn, dammit!" or maybe "Turning into your own lane - why the road engineers may have overestimated your intelligence..."

For now, though, I'm just planning to enjoy the ride. If MathMan is driving, I will (1) Regale him with stories of my childhood, if I can think of any he hasn't heard; (2) Remove my shoes and socks and perform sock puppet versions of our favorite The Young Ones episodes; (3) Try not to snore too much; (4) Beg him to stop at every Dairy Queen on the way and buy me a Dilly Bar; (5) Explain, in excruciating detail, what I had for lunch, to whom I spoke on the phone during the day, what itches and what doesn't, which work project pained me more and whose blog post made me laugh the hardest when I was supposed to be working.

None of these things are too far fetched. You can thank me later for leaving off number 6 which involves a feather, some Barry White Music, a small container of Crisco Oil, a video camera and that book of extraordinary positions we keep tucked away in the top dresser drawer.

However, if I'm the driver, I will just keep my eyes on the road and bark out orders to the other drivers who are either too oblivious or stupid to know that they are doing it wrong.

Hopefully this morning's inaugural co-commute isn't an omen for things to come. The rain poured down, the wind sheers battered the compact car, the traffic jammed up and then just inched along until right before our exit.

To pass the time, MathMan and I sang rounds of old favorites and shared the banana without nuts bread I baked yesterday.

Old MacDonald will be coming around the mountain.......


32 comments:

  1. Oh Lisa, wishng you peace with the co-commuting........and thanks for sharing what you'll be doing.....too funny woman!
    For the record, I'd still call all your friends and just let Math Man listen to half the conversations and leave him wondering what it's all about...LOL.

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  2. "You can thank me later for leaving off number 6 which involves a feather, some Barry White Music, a small container of Crisco Oil, a video camera and that book of extraordinary positions we keep tucked away in the top dresser drawer."
    Kinky is when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

    When yelling obsenities at other drivers, one of my old favs is "Were turn signals an option that year???"

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  3. Sitting back and enjoying (if that is the correct) word is what I would be doing. I so often am the one driving when we go places I grab every opportunity to ride...lol However it isn't often I can relax enough with someone behind the wheel and ride.

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  4. Why would you worry about whether or not he's heard a childhood story or not? Telling the same stories over and over again is a privilege of marriage. He knew that going in.

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  5. What about a round of 99 bottles of beer on the wall?

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  6. Think of it this way--you finally hired that driver all of us want.

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  7. Commuting together can be really nice and can be just too much together. As you said, no in-between decompress time. Nick and I commute together most days and I really like it - although I do look forward to a move where we don't need to do so. It's my choice for now as I'd rather be chauffeured than take metro or bus, plus it saves about $6/day. BUT when he's still working at 8 pm and I have completely run out of steam and am exhausted and bitter and he's stressed from longlong day, this makes for a horrendous ride home together.

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  8. You made a smart move. Getting rid of a vehicle will save you lots of cash.

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  9. Square dance tip: "Dive for the oyster, dig for the clam, dive for the home in the happy land" are not code for sexual moves.

    Thanks for making me laugh today!

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  10. And btw, NOT chatting to your friends while driving will save you from my favorite obscenity-laced thing to yell at other drivers: "Hang up your fucking cell phone and drive!" Don't take it personally though.

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  11. I've driven a lot. In California, in New Jersey, in Pennsylvania, New York, Virginia, MAryland, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee..... where was I going? Oh yeah-you can feel confident when tagging Georgia drivers as the worst. They are. I haven't been in Georgia in 10 years, but that might be why I'm still alive.

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  12. Well, at least youcan now practice your mobile pedicuring skillz!

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  13. Oh, Lisa. Upon arriving at your blog, the first thing I saw was "Bloody hell. That is all." Yowch! I haven't even read the post yet ;-D

    The most common bile I hurl at STUPID drivers is, "GET OFF YOUR **FUCKING** CELL PHONE!!"

    Another alarmingly frequent invective is, "PUT DOWN THE **FUCKING** MASCARA!!"

    Now I'm going to read your post!

    :-D

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  14. One of the things I loved about being in DC is that I never had to drive. Being back here, I have had to do it because I have no other choice.

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  15. I used to ride to fashion or movie bookings with a friend who would talk on the cell phone, strip and clean herself with wet ones, re dress, then apply fresh make up in between bites of food all the while driving 80 mph since she was always running a bit late. I know what magic a woman can do when she puts her mind to it. So she says, she is still doing all these things and has never had an accident or a ticket.

    Yes, Utah is probably a lot like Georgia when it comes to crazy drivers.

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  16. I'll drive if you will do the puppet show. Do you take requests for other brit coms?

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  17. Lisa if you do a puppet show, can you film it for posterity/this blog? Please?

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  18. This Georgia-born driver recommends you sign up for the Clean Air Campaign's commuter rewards program. You can earn up to $180 in three months for carpooling.

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  19. stop by Watergate Summer....you have been awarded for your fabulousity....

    ;-)

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  20. We just got another 2nd car since the 94 Sloburban blew up on my way to work back in October. In that time I had to drive her to work at 7pm then pick her up again at 7am if kids had anything they needed to be driven to. In a strange way it was kind of fun, kind of an adventure and at least we had 15 minutes to ourselves at the end of and the beginning of each day. You'll make the most of it I'm positive.

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  21. Maybe the commute will help you realize that I really fart just a little bit too much during the early am hours. Feel free to make as many calls as you want. On the other hand, you will only be interupting the former silence of my drive home and the noise of Greeny and Golic in the AM.

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  22. i prefer the dipped cone (hey now) to the dilly bar but DQ choices have always been very personal.

    if the book is in the dresser and you are in the car I'm missing something in translation.

    hope your commutes are peaceful at worse

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  23. I think you should "vlog" a carpooling puppet show.

    If you are running through Brit-coms, I'd like to request "Waiting for God".

    It's basically "Murphy Brown gets old, becomes British - and lives in a rest home...with Miles. Who has Alzheimer's."

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  24. Whatever you do, be sure to spend at least 10 minutes apart from each other once you get home. You'll need it (as I'm sure you realize). :)

    And an IPOD can work wonders when you don't want to listen to sports radio. :)

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  25. Good luck to you both. I'm sure it will be just fine. Well, lots of blog posting fodder, that's for sure.

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  26. 'The Bear Went Over The Mountain' is a favorite of ours..

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  27. Oooo, you're so highway bandit cool looking :) love it xoxoxox

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  28. An hour long commute, eh? Sounds like audiobook territory. Or you can write your own. Or podcast! The That's Why morning commute podcast would be awesome! Especially with the silly songs.

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  29. Did I miss something here, or was the Kia trashed by a tornado/storm????

    Is everything else OK?

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  30. Love that blue photo of you missy!

    Enjoy your quality time with Mathman..a captive audience isn't easy to find these days. ;p

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  31. I know that the "driving tips for the clueless" reference was directed straight at me, but I'm not completely clueless when I drive! Merely very confused.

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