Thursday, April 2, 2009

Satan on My Tail

Life seems a bit surreal right now. We've got the whole blog-worn subject of moving. Enough said? Ha! I'm like my mother who used to yell at Darling Sis and me. She'd say a piece and then stomp back down the hallway to go fume. A little while later, we'd hear the heavy footsteps of her anger, our bedroom door would fling open and in would come The Big R again with more, more, more.

We were most imperfect children who richly deserved our mother's harsh words. But crimony, could she not have delivered them all at once.

And so here I am again talking about moving. Ho la la la hum, right? Right.

We're getting there, People of the Internets. There have been no shouting matches. There has been little bloodshed, no broken bones, minimum hurt feelings, no thrown telephones, Hershey's Syrup cans or broken dishes. Oh - no, I lie. I did break one of our beautiful crystal goblets. We received the pair for a wedding gift. I refuse to address the symbolism of that right now.

Compared to other times in our marriage, we're getting along superbly. Seriously. If we had a little spare time right now, we'd be like those middle-aged couples in Cialis commercials swinging footloose and fancy free down a wooded path in our light colored khakis, polo shirts and deck shoes or curled up lovingly in a hammock, gazing deeply into each others eyes.

Seriously, stop laughing. It's unbecoming. And that snorting? Just stop.

Okay - at least it's not like the time our marriage was breaking down and we did what all disintegrating couples do. We painted our house - together!!!! The living room was this dandy deep rose color (I had illusions of making our little tract house appear to be a Victorian on a tree-lined street). We were painting over the dark rose with a flat cream. During all of this, we were having some pretty heavy discussions as our wedded bliss was long gone and our future seemed rather in peril.

At one point, MathMan said "Hey, Lisa," and I looked up at where he stood. The words "FUCK YOU" stood out in bright white relief against the dark rose wall. Yeah. And I'm sure I deserved it. Later, after having left the room for one thing or another, MathMan returned to find the words "KISS MY ASS" painted on the wall opposing his message to me. I can assure you he deserved it.

And so we merrily trip along, unpacking, rearranging, talking about making lists of things we need to do, things we need to find, one or two simple items we'd like to purchase to finish this set up or that and never quite getting to writing those lists down. But we're making progress. Thank goodness because we're not painting and it would slow us down tremendously if we were to break out into a heated battling of dueling, angry text messages. Besides, we can do that from our cars and workplaces anytime.

Regarding the surreal mention up there, I've been so out of my element the last couple of weeks, being sick and then packing and moving that I am clearly not in any sort of routine. No matter, really, I suppose, since everything would have to be adjusted anyway. Still, I've been discombobulated, quietly crazed and slightly off kilter. I know some of you are wondering how I could tell a difference considering I'm often skidding around all askew and without a compass. And those are my good days.

Well, let me tell you - see that picture of the truck at the top of the post? I snapped that photo on my way to work on Wednesday. As I flew along, and I was going really fast because I was late, this guy came bearing down on me. I shook my head to clear it because I thought I was seeing things. I blinked and looked again. Nope, that really was a horned semi coming at me.

He got closer and I saw that this guy really did fancy himself somewhat devilish. The truck was red. Then I noticed that he had flames painted around his windshield. I snapped my pictures and this caused me to slow down a bit. He got closer and I wished that he would pass me so I could bet a better look, but when he was right up on my bumper, our eyes met as I glanced in my sideview mirror.

The hell, literally, with more pictures or gaping. I floored it. Seriously, People of the Internets, the guys eyes glowed.........


  1. Ah. That guy from Duel. I was afraid of that. Found a new truck, has he?

  2. HMMM I may know nahh just teasing.. it's been so long I wouldn't know anyone But yeah that would be scary coming up behind you getting larger... and those eyes do seem to glow not to mention the way the horns shine.

  3. I'm a limp and whimpering noodle reading of this move and them the devil chasing you in a horned semi. Did you cross yourself just in case?

    It will all be over soon. Don't take that as ominously as it might sound.

  4. The broken crystal averted the evil eye. Break the other one together.

  5. I love when I get tailgated..I give em a break check just to wake them the fuck up. I am older and have better insurance..Fried Green Tomatoes. ;)

    Hang in there will all settle down..eventually. ;p

  6. Tomorrow is Friday, Lisa. I am sprinkling you with magical Scandy dust which forces you to go out and have yourself some fun! I mean, rich roaring fun! (Hint: beverages containing alcohol can speed up said fun)

  7. I was going to make a "Devil Went Down to Georgia" comment, but it seemed far far faaaar too lame.

    So, is there an end in sight in regards to the moving? I hope it's soon, and I hope you can get some R&R.

  8. I swear it was not a snort or a laugh.
    Just an allergic reaction to some stale beer.
    Glad the move is going well

  9. No laughing or sn... Fuck it, I did snort Lisa, I did.

    Listen, I am just concerned that you are taking photos when turning around on the interstate, okay? (insert return of snort here.)

    Oh my, what days you are in right now.

  10. There's so many things about this post that utterly slay me because, Lisa, my darling BFF, I know.
    But the one that killed me was the painting scene with the KMA and FU gestures.
    It was like a mid-life, mid-marriage opposite to that scene in The Way We were with Streisand and Redford painting their apartment when they first got together

  11. Dusty, considering how much longer the braking distance is for a semi than it is for a regular car, I don't think I'd ever try doing a brake check in front of a fast moving truck, like a car hauler running empty. If a big truck comes up behind me, I just get my slow ass of out the way as fast as possible.

    Lisa, that is a nifty effect with the stacks -- definitely would not have looked as devilish if the truck had been loaded. A Hyundai or Kia perched up there would have kind of negated the evil aspects.

  12. As I've always said, the Prince of Darkness is very real. But it's odd to hear of a report of Cheney having left The Undisclosed Location®. Count your lucky stars.

    If you two go the commercial pill-popping neo-middle-age route, please don't have a Viva Viagra ensemble. That's just tacky.

    You guys aren't done moving yet? Slackers.

  13. OK, I am at work so I couldn't laugh too loud so it wasn't me you heard. I am glad no chocolate was spilled during this move, but sorry about the glass. Glad this is almost over for you and the family, but we in Internetland have been enjoying it. Also, glad that things are going good with you and MathMan.

  14. Believe it or not but an empty truck is harder to stop than a loaded one. When empty the tires want to slide and when loaded the weight holds it down on the road and it is less likely for the wheels to lockup. So I wouldn't recommend brake checking a Semi, but a Lexus or other luxury car is fair game.

  15. See, I was going to refrain from scolding you about taking pictures on the interstate, but since Fran opened the door, I'll join right in. Put down that camera and watch the road!

  16. It's probably just all the No-Doz he's taking.

    Nice to know someone else snaps photos while driving ungodly fast.

  17. Lawrence Block wrote a really scary short story titled, "Like a Bug on a Windshield," about a trucker's revenge on 4-wheelers.

    I relive the tremors that story gave me every time a semi pulls up behind me. The only other story to do that to me was Poe's, "The Tell-tale Heart."

    You were so right to put the pedal to the metal, Lisa!


  18. That looks like one angry truck coming up on your ass. I would be breaking speed limits (as if I don't already) to give him a wide berth.

  19. I hate those big trucks, they always drive like jerks. At first I thought you meant he was coming straight TOWARD you!

    How on earth do you still have time and energy to write amusing and pithy blog posts when you're in the middle of moving? You are Super Bloggerwoman!

  20. hello my lovely....i still owe you a phone call, don't i? i was all prepared to call you at the airport and i still think about it...but have spent so much time on the phone lately withfriends and relatives that the break i need from it is welcome...lovely to catch up with you, to see your comments and notes, all of which i nice to connect with you...and you're moving? it's all going on...
    love to you Lisa...

  21. Wow, that's sooo creepy! Devil truck, how fun! :)

  22. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! How would you feel if the Dancer showed you some photos she had taken of a truck speeding up on her from behind, while she "was going really fast?" Huh? Huh?? Then how do you expect Fran, CDP and me to react when you relate your own unwise antics?

    As for you and Mathman wall-painting entertaining messages to one another, that receives my hearty endorsement! Good clean fun and no one gets hurt.

  23. I'll bet any money that trucker had Truck Nuts on his back bumper.
    As for the wall painting, I painted aqua color over the ecru of my living room walls a few years ago.
    My BFF Anna was going through a tough divorce at the time, so to amuse her when she came over for dinner, I painted "FUCK BRAD" on the main wall in 18 inch letters.
    She loved it.
    Regarding your move, get it over with, girl. I get too drawn into your Blog and this damn move is making me tired and sore.

  24. Suzy likes this ... oh, I forgot I'm not on Facebook! Very funny picture. Were your eyes still on the road when you took it?

  25. Now you have to change your name to Dennis Weaver.

    That's gonna suck.


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