Tuesday, June 9, 2009

On Mysteries, Just Desserts and New Fads in Exercise

Part One: A Thing of Great Import Goes Missing
I guess freaking out will not bring back my missing flash drive. That beloved little black piece of plastic with the retractable doo-hickey that gets inserted into the USB port held in its vast memory stores all my photos, the beginnings to three stories (hello, Madame Can't Finish Anything), copies of old stories, my resumes, and a variety of other important documents.

Still - freaking out might cleanse my worried mind. What if someone finds the missing flash drive and delves into the deeper directories to discover not only that stash of naked pictures, but also my secret identity. The horror! And the underground world of REDACTED will be forever altered. And not for the better.

Part Two: The Mystery of The Blue Monkey
I know someone with much more knowledge on these things will be around later to smack me around and set me straight, but perhaps the flash drive went missing as some cosmic retribution (notice I did not misuse the term karma this time) for gaslighting the two younger Royal Pains.

See - back in November, Garbo got this creepy little toy in a McDonalds Happy Meal. (Calm down. Even Mothers of the Year such as myself slip occasionally and take our children to McDonalds. We do it so that they will appreciate even more the tasty, wholesome, organic grains and sprouts normally prepared and served at home.)

Anyway, this toy became the object of conversation. It really is quite creepy, not to mention the fact that it came out of the packaging with its blue tail poised just like a penis peeking through its legs. Naturally, we had great fun with that concept for about five minutes. It was soon forgotten and cast aside. Penis humor doesn't have a very long shelf life when there are French Fries to be snarfed.

When we moved, the Little Blue Flying Monkey was unearthed. There was renewed interest in his odd creepiness and that sinister smile playing about its lips. It was swung around by the cloth tail/psuedo-penis. Wicked tales of his gadabout nature among the other blue flying monkeys spun out of The Royal Pains' imaginations. Suddenly, The Actor/Ninja became serious and whispered gravely to his sister "What if this toy is possessed like Chucky? I mean, how did it just reappear?"

I could hear them, but they didn't know I was listening. I was sitting on the other side of the wall, working away on my laptop.

Garbo was quiet as she considered what The Actor/Ninja has suggested. "Oh, this dumb old thing was just buried. I found it because Mom made me sort through toys when we moved in," she dismissed his attempt to stir up her fears.

Now The Actor/Ninja is like I was as a kid. He enjoys a good fright, as long as he knows it's not really going to hurt anyone. Did I ever tell you about the time two of my girlfriends and I spent the night in the haunted house next door to hers?

"I don't know....." The Actor/Ninja ventured, "We could test it. Let's throw it away and see what happens."

Now I could tell that he'd captured Garbo's fancy. "You mean, see if it comes back? No! Um, wait. Oh, okay. I don't like that toy anyway. It gives me the creeps!"

And since then, the Little Blue Flying Monkey has been tossed in the trash, hidden in boxes and then buried under all manner of gross garbage, only to reappear sitting on The Actor/Ninja's bookcase, on the top of the toilet tank in the hallway restroom, next to Garbo's television and even on The Actor/Ninja's pillows.

Part Three: Oh, Yes. I Will Be Trying This At Home
From my pal Suzy. Catworkout.
I've been looking for something that The Pussies for Peace and I can do together that doesn't involve licking our own butts or killing bugs. Catworkout is definitely the answer! Thank you, Suzy!
Power lifting this guy should put an end to the wobble where my triceps should be, don't you think?

The end.

Listerine Ad comes from Found in Mom's Basement.


  1. Hmmm, Your use of "retractable doo-hickey" and "Stash of naked pictures" and "pseudo penis" have been forwarded to the APA (American Psychiatric Association) for further study.

  2. Ha ha...the penis monkey is freaky!!! You could sue McDonalds; not for their hot coffee or their fatty foods, but for giving you nightmares. Pain and suffering should be worth a couple million anyway.


  3. I think the damn blue money stole the flash drive...and btw...how much does that cat weigh?

  4. Why are you posting? You are supposed to be off living life! I am weak and will stay in front of the laptop as long as you have things to say, even though I should be doing other things. Ack!

    That penis monkey is freaky in an Edgar Allen Poe-ish way. His eyes follow me around the room.

    If only your flash drive had a blue penis. I'll bet it would show up then.

    That cat is ginormous. It would turn anyone into a championship bodybuilder.

  5. I know that the flash drive is driving you nuts. Sorry, I have looked several more times around the house.

    Normally a blue penis means something frightening akin to the quiet 4 hour plus side-affect when viagra is in use.

  6. I have a feline that friggin huge..and if I attempt to pick his fat ass up..it jacks up my back.

    Yes, he is THAT heavy.

  7. I love the blue monkey story! You should start a photo journl of his adventures :)

    A shame about your flash drive, I can only imagine how freaked out I would be!

  8. See this is why inquiring minds come here, to read and learn.
    I have been gaslighting friends, family and especially bosses for decades without ever having a really good term for it.

  9. I have your flash drive. I uploaded all the naked pictures. You forgot to mention they were of your husband.

    I love the blue monkey thing. That's some serious funny right there. Keep it up - mail it in packages when he's away at college, give it to him as a wedding present, that kind of thing.

    Finally, that's one freakin' huge cat. My guess is he has to be carried because he's too dang fat to waddle around on his own, his legs won't support him.

  10. I love that you gaslighted the RPs. I love even more that you use the word "gaslight" as a verb. Whenever I say that, people look at me quizzically. I'm afraid that Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman have been forgotten.

  11. PS--that toy? What the hell kind of McDonald's put that in a Happy Meal?

  12. its not really a monkey.
    Dutch and I know monkey's and we would never carouse with something like that!

  13. ah the blue monkey returns...thanks for the laugh! I am not sure what you lost but I hope you find it soon, not being computer literate one tiny bit...

    and that cat is not a cat , it's a kangaroo playing he's a cat...wow!

    thanks for your sweet comments too, it's nice to see you ;)

  14. My daughter and I have a similar thing going with a paper mache pig - last time I found it , it had a "mom" tattoo added.

  15. Maybe if you power lift the entire tribe of pussies for peace you'll get a decent workout.. if you don't mind injuries, that is...

  16. That is the most disturbing toy I have seen in years. You should have it sitting on top of your monitor at work from time to time. Very classy!

    Don't worry about the lost flash drive compromising your secret identity. A pair of glasses conceals all. Just look at Donner's Superman.

  17. On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.
    Source: Snapple.com, Thursday, June 4, 2009

    So much for the flash drive.

    As for the monkey, that thing is just scary. Wish they had it when my nephews were younger. Loved scaring the hell out of them!

  18. I think I remember when you posted about the blue penis monkey before, and it was just as disturbing then as now. It reminds me of one of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, which always scared the shit out of me as a kid.

    That completely sucks about your flash drive, btw. Hope you find it soon!

  19. OMG! That cat is huge!

    Good luck finding your doo-hickey.

  20. Okay - get ready to be creeped out.

    That lady with the HUGE cat. My friend Scott KNOWS her.

    We get sort of spooked whenever that picture rolls around the internet.

  21. That blue monkey story is too too funny!--and yes, that thing is waaaay creepy. :)

    I hope you find your flash drive very soon!!

    And my cats would SO not allow me to use them as weights! :)

  22. Oh man - I suck as a blog friend, you lost your flash drive?

    Please tell me that you have since found it... Please!

    That toy is just one thing - f*cked up and f*cked up hard. Literally and figuratively.

    Thanks for your great and thoughtful comment on my blog yesterday.

    Talk to you soon!

  23. That is one FAT cat! I bet it would feed a family of five easily for a week if stir-fried properly. Just a suggestion!

  24. Hi, I found you through your compassionate response to Linda at Vultures Peak and I'm very pleased to have done so.

    You are a delight to read!

    One, I believe in freaking out, it is healthy for the soul -- and it could open the door to the other side as you suggested, but I think your door as been open for awhile :) as noted ... by...

    Two, Blue flying Monkeys have a way of doing that. We have a small wooden statue of a meso-american hoodoo native we got in Mexico some years ago -- it does the same thing. :)


  25. Okay, creepiest toy EVER.


    :-D Anna

  26. That is one weird looking monkey. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz monkeys which were scary to me as a kid.

    Hope you find your flash drive. Did you leave it at the library? We have people leaving theirs all the time.

  27. I'm hoping I can shake the image of that blue fairy before I fall asleep tonight. Clearly he's (it's?) somehow involved with the flash drive disappearance. Good luck! maybe he'll bring it back to you soon!(here via peach tart :)

  28. You have given new meaning to the term "Flash Drive" w naked photos & all.

    As soon as you stop looking for it, you will find it.

    The monkey thing.... I think your son is on to something.

    Perhaps a full fledged exorcism is in order?

  29. So, I found this doo-hickey that goes into the USB port, and I'm thinking it's yours. There's this massive stash of kinky porn on it, and something about credit cards and social security numbers and such, and I'm thinking you might want to send me a little cash to get it back. I think that could be considered cosmic retribution, and all would be right with the world. Need my address? ;)

  30. That is a weird toy from Mickey D's! We go there a few times a week-(no wonder I am going to be in need of a "bro"!) we kinda have to...our son is an extremely picky eater so one of his main foods that he will eat are Chicken McNuggets! Yuck! I will get the Double Green Chile Cheesburger! Actually we are trying to stay away from that junk but still sometimes it is convenient!
    Our son gets all those toys from the Happy Meals. Some of them are strange or outright crappy, but that is the weirdest one! Reminds me of that Simpsons episode about the Monkey's Hand!

    That cat could guarantee anyone muscles in no time! How heavy is he/she?

  31. That cat is huge! Blue Monkeys are very troublesome...

  32. Love the blue flying monkey thing and the gaslighting of the children. Hilarious.

    Also thanks for the link to Catworkout. Since Baxter weighs 22 lbs., he would be an excellent way for me to strengthen my biceps. Of course he hates being picked up but that's his problem.


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)