Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tuesday Evening Gross Out


It's another night of fun and games at Golden Manor. The Actor/Ninja pulled a set of nunchucks on me and made me drive him and Garbo to Udder Delights (I kid you not) for ice cream. Worse, they forced me to eat a medium chocolate vanilla twist cone. What kind of inhumanity is that, I ask you?

MathMan is alternately doing laundry, talking on the phone to teachers, and mumbling something about being fat. He doesn't know from fat, but whatever.

I'm off. I mean I'm feeling off. I was supposed to work from home today, but ended up going into the office at one and working until six. It's disconcerting to one minute be happily wrapping up a conference call as you still sit in your workout clothes and the next minute, you're rushing around for a shower and clothing that matches because the lawyers that you work for as your second job need something right now, but they don't know what it is and you have to drive 45 miles to stand at their desk so they can play "tell me what you see" until you figure out what they want so you can fax it to them.

Because you're dedicated like that.

And so am I.

Worst thing is, I didn't complete my morning ablutions to the fullest extent and now, because I am not a Brazilian, stuff is growing back in and it's itching me all to hell. It's either that or a dreaded yeast infection from who knows what because I haven't been using my hoohah for anything fun or interesting lately. Just ask MathMan. He'll tell you so and grumpily.

So here I am, stuffed full of ice cream and dinner, an underwire in my new bra poking me where it shouldn't dammit, and I've got an itch that should not speak its name. I share the fun.

Me: "My balls itch."
MathMan: "I see that" gesturing to my hand in my pants.
Me: "I can't help it. It itches."
MathMan: "Well, would it be worth trying...."
I cut him off. "I am not putting that cream on my twat." I assumed he was talking about the cream we got for The Actor/Ninja's poison ivy.
"No! That's not what I was going to say," MathMan groans. He loves it when I assume he's being an idiot. "I was going to say..."
I cut him off again. "Don't even suggest I spray the Tinactin on my Vee." Tough actin' Tinactin is for Jock Itch. Don't ask. It'll just gross you out. As if I could gross you out more....
"No! Jeez! I was going to ask if it would be worth getting some of that Monistat or something," MathMan said, all doctorly, yet exasperated by my interruptions and rude assumptions.
I thought about that for a minute while I scratched. "Yeah, that would probably be a good idea. In the meantime though, maybe I will try that Tinactin. It would be quite bracing....."
"Didn't it burn you when you used it somewhere else?" MathMan reminded me. (I'm telling you, do not ask.)
"Oh, right. Yeah, it did. Hmm. Itch or burn? Maybe I should just try shaving first?"

MathMan looked at me as if he were seeing me for the first time. I reached in for another scratch.

MathMan: "Get anything good?"
Me: "Not yet. I'll let you know."

28 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Confucious said something about an itchy vagina but I forgot what it was.

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  3. Yogurt? (Plain & unsweetened, of course.)

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  4. Please keep me up to date. I need to know if this is a yeasty thing

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  5. O. M. G!

    I, for one, am grateful that you avoided illustrating this post with photographs. The description was more than vivd enough.

    I feel the need to wash my hands now.

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  6. Clearly the sheer inhumanity of being forced to eat a medium chocolate vanilla twist cone is causing you great stress and discomfort. Let me bravely take on that onerous and burdensome responsibility for you. This will give you time to properly concentrate on the issue of the itching problem.

    I once had the seven year itch. I scratched real hard, and got rid of it in three and a half!

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  7. Ice cream good...crotch itch bad.

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  8. Why is it that Itchy and Scratchy come to mind?

    One more question - If you were a Brazillian, would it not grow back?

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  9. Hilarious discussion. Itchy times can be miserable - been there done that! Yogurt is one good start - I wish you luck on this one.

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  10. I feel your pain. I hate it when my balls itch, too.

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  11. So what's a person supposed to for for the yogurt cure? Eat the Yoplait or douche with it?

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  12. funny, and smooth and tight like a smooth and tight thing. you are quite a good writer young lady.

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  13. I'm glad you avoided the Tinactin, etc. I think itch would be the least of your problems if you'd tried to remedy it with jock itch spray. Shudder.

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  14. ROFL, don't make me read these things when I'm at work! I was eating yogurt when I read this, BTW. It's messy when spewed on the keyboard.

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  15. You are, by the way, definitely the Queen of TMI.

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  16. Ewwwww. I had to stop reading when it got to yeast.

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  17. For the record can I just say that if my wife said to me, "My balls itch", I wouldn't be sitting around trying to figure out how to cure it. I'd be running for the bathroom. That's a scary phrase to hear from any woman, but especially a woman to whom one is married.

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  18. It was probably just stress.

    Well...stress, sugary foods, lack of water to drink...and maybe a need for a new razor.

    Regardless. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this. It would have surely shot straight out my nose.

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  19. i firmly believe if you had taken the spawn to the DQ for a dipped cone instead this all could have been avoided.
    I mean what's worse a few nun chuck bruises or itchy privates?
    I know what I'd choose!
    (tune in tomorrow I just got an idea for a post lol)

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  20. I needed this. Been too long since I ruined a perfectly good pair o' skivvies.

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  21. I swear to god, my vagina is just all itchy from reading this post!! Please stop....LOL.
    I hope you are feeling better.

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  22. I hate when that happens and lately it's been happening way too much. Made hubby go to doctor too b/c it kept coming back and I figured it was his fault--IT WAS.

    and...
    I try to stay away from ice cream but the ice cream doesn't listen to me :D

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  23. GAWD!

    You always know how to get me out of my doldrums! Thanks for that.

    BTW; yes to the yogurt: applied topically as well as ingested.

    Good luck with that, because I can certainly relate! ;)

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  24. Or just skip shaving, and go for the Sasquatch effect.

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  25. Yeah, Liberality is right. I was buying so much Monistat, I really thought they should've started sending me some kickbacks. Then Keith went to the urologist and guess what?

    Yeah, like so many other issues, the GUY can have a yeast infection living in his balls/tubes and never know it's there but passing it along to the womenfolk and making US miserable with it. From then until now, not a single yeast infection and I've taken antibiotics in the meantime. YEARS we did this!!! The fucker!!

    ...
    /blinks/
    ...

    Apparently, I need to go and meditate and work through my issues.

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  26. God, it's like a night with me and Ang only... no, nothing's different. Carry on.

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  27. Oh yeah, by the way, who's baking bread? ...smells delicious....

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