In a Mood

Oh, she's got a bug up her ass. A burr under her saddle. A bee in her bonnet. She's been thinking again. It's a bad habit she really ought to break before she loses her some friends or gets her teeth knocked down her throat.

- Someone during/after reading this post

I've been thinking about all the people I'd like to hear shut up. I've been developing a mental list of the people from whom I'd enjoy nothing more than some pure, unadulterated silence. Not a peep. Not a sound. As a teacher at an elementary school said this morning "Your bottom lip should be touching your upper lip."

Like that.

Here's my list, along with some commentary because goodness knows I don't know how to be still. Hell, I'm struggling with being concise. Quiet is problematic. Silence? Wholly unachievable. Hear me shout it now. I am a hypocrite.

Labels aside, I still want to go days, weeks, months, years without hearing from or about the following:

Sarah Palin. Please. Tick a lock. It's embarrassing to see someone who just isn't that intelligent pontificate about things and suffer from a complete lack of self-awareness. Don't make us pity you. It diminishes us all. Have some respect for this nation and its people. Stop telling them that it's cool and awesome to be small-minded, mean-spirited and exclusionary. They believe you and that is not healthy. You - mouth - closed.

(Stop looking at me like that and put down that mirror. I'm very self-aware. My therapist says so.)

Anyone still joking or reporting about Tiger Woods' sex life. Sorry people, but cheap shots? It's been done to death. Sex scandals are funny? Maybe if you're in the seventh grade. Listen up - sex scandals are only truly funny when the person involved has been a sanctimonious twat about (drumroll) S-E-X involving other people. It's when the faux-moralists fall that the real humor begins. Then, by all means, laugh yourselves silly. I do.

As for the media that has jizzed itself exhausted over this? Time to wipe up and shut it. Story over.

My son. When he is on the xBox live, his mouth runs nonstop. And negatory. I will NOT come to the cold basement to listen to the French kids and attempt to translate.

Joe Lieberman. (Seriously, people of Connecticut, why?)

Anyone who doesn't think we need universal, single payer health care. Yeah, yeah, England, yeah, yeah, socialism, yeah, yeah, I got mine - screw you. Here's what I wish for you - a terrible illness - not deadly, only bad enough to make you wish you were dead. Follow that up quickly with the form-letter bad news that you can't afford the care or the cure because your private health insurance won't pay for it. Then let's hear you tell us again how having yours and fucking everyone else is so spectacular.

People who don't "believe" in climate change or that we greedy, resource gobbling humans don't have anything to do with it. Oh, really? I invite you, then, to come stand with me next to the big black candy mountain that fuels Plant Bowen. Watch as the baby-shit brown ribbon of noxious gasses forms and coagulates so that it can float south toward Atlanta. So you don't see the point in cleaning up our ways? Well, here, open wide. Let me stick this hunk of coal in your gaping maw so you can shut up and think about that.

The voices in my head. I hear you - failure, death, destruction, naked snow boarding, sex, drugs, rock and roll, chocolate, debt, pain, self-loathing, guilt, sedimentary rocks, Mad Magazine, and cookies. I hear you. If you don't clamp it, I will seek pharmaceutical duct tape for your mouths.

Sheeple of any stripe. Please. Close your mouth and try to use some critical thinking skills. You can't talk and think at the same time, obviously.

MathMan. Every time he tells me it's time to go the gym, I want him to shut up. What does he not understand about the fact that once I'm in and done for the day, that means I am done. Except, of course, he does run with his cute butt on the treadmill in front of me, so ...... nah, I still want him to shut up.

Whichever cat it is who continues to repeat meow at me even though I am in the process of putting the food right in front of their faces. I get it. You're hungry. Here's the food, now shut up and eat.

I have oh so many more, but MathMan is sitting here right now not shutting up and telling me it's time to go to the gym. I better go, because now I hear him muttering under his breath about cattle prod purchases.

Please feel free to tell me who you'd like to hear shut up. And you'd better not say me because (1) I will hunt you down and probe you ungently with MathMan's new cattleprod; and (2) Clearly, that's not true or you wouldn't come here and read this nonsense, silly.