TMI Thursday: Uterus in Revolt

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TMI = Too Much Information. As the photo above says "you've been warned."

Contrary to my most ardent desires, I am not getting any younger. Whether I wish to or not, I will eventually experience "the change." Menopause, I know, will have its rewards, but I'm just not looking forward to it any more than I looked forward to starting my period when I was a kid.

"I'd just rather not," I remember telling one of my friends. She was rather aghast because her head had been filled with all sorts of "becoming a woman" nonsense. Even back then, I knew the whole reproductive thing was just a ruse for making sex more complicated for women.

Over the summer, I had one of my parts replaced. It was time for my IUD to get some new retreads. For those of you unfamiliar with walking around with one of these microscopic devices clinging for dear life into the lining of your uterus, when it's changed out, there's usually some mild cramping and spotting. After your uterus settles back into its status as an inhospitable environment for fertilized eggs, you might get lucky and stop having periods altogether. This is what I've been used to for the last five years or so. No wonder it's party, party, party all the time around here....

Where was I? Oh, right, so this last time, I kept having these little mini-periods. It was weird. All the sudden, right out of the blue, I'd be popping a squat, give a quick wipe using the prescribed front to back method, and bam! there would be a bit of uterine lining where it should not be.

This did not please me altogether that much.

I wondered if it had to do with the fact that Chloe kept coming home from school, dragging her dirty laundry and hormones with her. Was she causing havoc with my system? Then I wondered if, perhaps, I'd simply forgotten that it took me a good six months to stop having uterine weirdness the first time I got an IUD. Perhaps. Then I remembered that when some of my friends started the perimenopause stage, their periods went haywire.

Anything is possible, I suppose. Be that as it may, it's a drag to have random periods, but what I really dread are the hot flashes. I mean, when I'm sitting here in my house, at my desk trying to pull myself into myself because it's so cold, the idea of some hot flashes has definite appeal. But I know it's folly to make light.

The truth is, I like being a girl/woman best when the whole period part of being female is relegated to a distant memory like it's been for the last five years. Too bad there isn't something I can jam into my uterine lining that would help quell those hormonal changes until I've passed through to the other side when I can have all the sex I want without having to worry about anything but hurt feelings, a bit of soreness because I've never done that before and the occasional STD.

And thus concludes this episode of TMI Thursday: Uterus in Revolt.