Thursday, December 17, 2009

TMI Thursday: Uterus in Revolt

Click the picture for more TMI.

TMI = Too Much Information. As the photo above says "you've been warned."

Contrary to my most ardent desires, I am not getting any younger. Whether I wish to or not, I will eventually experience "the change." Menopause, I know, will have its rewards, but I'm just not looking forward to it any more than I looked forward to starting my period when I was a kid.

"I'd just rather not," I remember telling one of my friends. She was rather aghast because her head had been filled with all sorts of "becoming a woman" nonsense. Even back then, I knew the whole reproductive thing was just a ruse for making sex more complicated for women.

Over the summer, I had one of my parts replaced. It was time for my IUD to get some new retreads. For those of you unfamiliar with walking around with one of these microscopic devices clinging for dear life into the lining of your uterus, when it's changed out, there's usually some mild cramping and spotting. After your uterus settles back into its status as an inhospitable environment for fertilized eggs, you might get lucky and stop having periods altogether. This is what I've been used to for the last five years or so. No wonder it's party, party, party all the time around here....

Where was I? Oh, right, so this last time, I kept having these little mini-periods. It was weird. All the sudden, right out of the blue, I'd be popping a squat, give a quick wipe using the prescribed front to back method, and bam! there would be a bit of uterine lining where it should not be.

This did not please me altogether that much.

I wondered if it had to do with the fact that Chloe kept coming home from school, dragging her dirty laundry and hormones with her. Was she causing havoc with my system? Then I wondered if, perhaps, I'd simply forgotten that it took me a good six months to stop having uterine weirdness the first time I got an IUD. Perhaps. Then I remembered that when some of my friends started the perimenopause stage, their periods went haywire.

Anything is possible, I suppose. Be that as it may, it's a drag to have random periods, but what I really dread are the hot flashes. I mean, when I'm sitting here in my house, at my desk trying to pull myself into myself because it's so cold, the idea of some hot flashes has definite appeal. But I know it's folly to make light.

The truth is, I like being a girl/woman best when the whole period part of being female is relegated to a distant memory like it's been for the last five years. Too bad there isn't something I can jam into my uterine lining that would help quell those hormonal changes until I've passed through to the other side when I can have all the sex I want without having to worry about anything but hurt feelings, a bit of soreness because I've never done that before and the occasional STD.

And thus concludes this episode of TMI Thursday: Uterus in Revolt.

21 comments:

  1. I think TMI only qualifies as such when, for example, Dick Cheney were to describe in detail what really happens in The Undisclosed Location®. This is real and very natural chick stuff which makes me glad I'm a dude and now I'm going to run away because I want to live at least a little while longer.

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  2. Ugh. Girly stuff. Thank God that's over.

    G

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  3. just the words, "jam into my uterus" hurt me lol!

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  4. Yup--this is when we get to go all 'alan arkin in Lil miss Sunshine" right?

    that's what those grannies with those fanny packs are packin....

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  5. Um. Last night my friends, (who are all about 50 to 52, I am 44 but I had my kids young and they had their children at what some consider 'normal' age) came over for dinner and they all claim the first part of menapause is pretty good with the hormones. They said not to do hormone therapy because they loved the sex. It was quite a conversation, I mean they had some good information!!!

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  6. There is nothing worse than a revolting uterus!!

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  7. You know who's a couple of nasty bitches? My ovaries.

    They fucking hate me and I swear I never did anything to them to deserve it.

    And they talk the uterus into being a mean little slut, too.

    My kidneys are pretty cool, though.

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  8. Ever since my last kid over eight years ago, I haven't had a regular visitor.... Now it's just a spot here or there.... Not many hot flashes...more like warm all the time (which comes in handy to warm up cold people...) But my MOODS????!!!!! When I want to be alone? Trust me. I. WANT.TO.BE.ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. Lisa, we're at the age where "safe sex" means checking with your cardiologist first.

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  10. Btw, in spite of that nightmare fuel lead picture, Happy Hanukkah. (Check your mail)

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  11. I've always had irregular, unannounced periods. I hate it!! But I have to say the last paragraph pretty much sums up my thoughts on the situation precisely!

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  12. I have a friend who says she loves it when she ovulates...I'm like, huh?? I would rather just have some babies and then get the hell out of period-land for good. *grin*

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  13. Not everyone gets the hot flashes and/or mood swings. You could be one of the lucky ones and (other than the unpredictable spotting) barely notice the transition into cronehood.

    Then again, there are times when it's good to have an excuse for the defense attorney to use in closing arguments.

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  14. And you will have a valid excuse to strip as fast as you can to deal with the sweat soaked clothes and beet red face.

    I avoided the whole thing by having my moody uterus removed when I was 29. I had a couple of months with hot flashes and then my gynecologist put me on low dose estrogen, and I was just like new only better. Oh how the sex was hot and spontaneous. Those were the good old days.

    One of the bummers of losing estrogen is what it's absence seems to do to skin.

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  15. ReallY? You didn't have your period when you had your IUD? Wow. That hasn't ben my experience at all.

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  16. Well, I was braced for something really graphic, but that wasn't even close to TMI.

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  17. I second CDP. That said, I wish someone would write a book about what you can expect as you approach menopause. Christ, it seems like secret society stuff when you are trying to find out what to expect.

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  18. OK, being in the middle of it, I now have full throttle hot flashes. It does start off with hot flushes, which aren't too bad, but when you're sitting in church and all of a sudden you go from clutching your coat around you because you are freezing to pulling off as many clothes as you can is not fun (and you get weird looks from the priest). I was also on the pill when I started and I was getting my period early, late, or not at all. Over a year so mother nature does not visit at all, but this is what you have to look forward to.

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  19. pissed, I agree. I am thankful for the TMI, in the post and comments, which is at least some info. (Never enough TMI ;)

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  20. dont worry -- there is a male equivalent called a prostate and mine is in revolt too

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  21. Hahahaha! I'm sorry, but I cracked UP at "I had one of my parts replaced." Too funny.

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