Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Unemployment Diary Day One

I know, actually it's day two, but yesterday was my running around the house naked, bookmarking porn and playing any song I could find that contained the word free, so I'm considering this as my first real day off.

It's now 12:53 p.m. and I've managed to do some things and yet, I still have a long list of things to accomplish. Yesterday, I did administrative things like finding out the particulars of our Chapter 13 deductions from my vanished paycheck (refile or self pay? Answer = self pay with lots of pain), what I must do with my severance, updated my linkedin, updated a couple of online job seeker sites and even decluttered some space in the house. All that was crammed into twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds because the rest of the time was all that naked, porn and music stuff. I am left with some carryover items to finish today.

For example, have you ever tried to screen potential escorts for an old boyfriend? Challenging stuff. It's taking me longer than I expected. I mean, I know what he likes and I have a general sense of his timeline (he screamed at me in an email that I had to get off my ass because Friday is coming up fast!) But he's not helping when I ask him if I should seek out a blond, a brunette or a redhead and he responds with "Yes." Bless his heart, though, at least he went far enough to say that he'd be fine with all three at the same time.

The deal is that I will receive a finder's fee of 20%. I'm not just doing this out of the kindness of my heart, you know. I may be the world's best (former) girlfriend, but come on. I have my limits. I assume we mean 20% of whatever he's paying her, so, naturally, I'm not looking at the fuck for a buck sites. Oh, no. We're dealing only in highly cultured and educated women. In fact, it makes me a little annoyed that I gave it away for free and worse, let my body go to hell. What a shame. I could be looking at a whole new career had it not all gone to pot.

In addition to providing escort screening services, I must write. Draft one of my novel is nearly complete. When I've written the ending, I will start the process of editing and searching for a literary agent. I can't tell you what a pleasure it will be to finally be at that stage. I mean it. For my whole life I've wanted to be a writer and now I finally am. To be able to paste the word PUBLISHED on to that will be one of the most amazing moments of my life.

The other carryover item from yesterday was mopping the kitchen floor. Either Chloe will do it, or I'm going to skate through the kitchen in some tuna covered socks. The cats will lick it clean enough.

It ain't all fun and games around here, you know.

It's all just dizzying, these changes. Before I go, I want to share with you two things that happened yesterday. They don't convey any profound or grand meaning, but I think they illustrate something that's been missing around here - me.

Thing #1
Sophia got into the car after her Chorus rehearsals and asked if her packet from the 4H office had arrived. I motioned to her that it was on the floor. She beamed with pleasure as she picked it up and looked at it. Then she remembered that it was also the day when we could snag a time for her to be a Bell Ringer. "Say no more," I chirped at her. "I already took care of it."

"Wow, Mom, you're like a real stay at home mom, but less you know," she said in all seriousness. Honestly, I don't know what she meant or how she gets these crazy ideas, but I just savored the moment of being ahead of the curve, not running behind and hoping that I hadn't blown some Mom thing again. Some of you make this look so easy, you know that? And it's really not.

She ruined it by telling me that she'd volunteered me to help out with the class party next Friday. Wait - what?

Thing #2
I had to fetch MathMan from school yesterday evening. It was miserable out. Windy, rainy, just nasty. When he walked out to the car, I had a huge smile on my face. He got in and said that I looked happier than I have in a long, long time.

That, my friends, considering that it seems like we've been in some weird sort of phase that just keeps heaping and heaping and piling on the bad stuff, was really nice to hear.

And then did he ruin it? Of course not. He may have been crazy enough to stick with me all these years, but he's not stupid.


  1. I thought chick diaries are supposed to have smiley faces and hearts and be in pink. Teevee lied to me, but that's what I get for not watching any of your high class Brit crap.

    I know I'm speaking as a dude, but don't worry (funny telling you this) if you fuck up mom stuff. The damn kids will get over it and if they don't, just mooch off them when you're older, muah.

  2. Even if you don't fuck up the mom stuff, they will blame you all through their 20s as if you did, so go ahead and fuck it up, that way you will have at least earned their scorn honestly ;~)

  3. You look happier than you have in ages. Now two of us agree, that should be proof that this was a good thing.

  4. Personally, I think it's pretty hard for someone fun loving and full of affection to fuck up the mom stuff in any serious way. Libs is right, though. Moms get socked with blame no matter what - so I say you might as well get high before the porn.

    That'll help you be a lot less you know.

  5. I'm really glad to hear that you're rediscovering some happiness in yourself. *smiles*

    And as far as the whole "being a writer" thing goes, Iwanski and you should compare notes. His novel is almost done, too, and the next step will be trying to get it published. I wish TONS of luck to both of you. :)

  6. It's all goooooooooooooood. (The muffins are DONE!! The dishes? not yet....)

  7. this means the novel is coming quicker than we thought, right?
    and yay for those precious moments where our kids actually appreciate us.

    (notice I did NOT say 'yay for being naked and bookmarking porn') but you can email me and I'll share some good links--us WAHMs got it goin on too....

  8. Wow - I can't wait for the novel. You would be the second person that I "know" that was published. I have a friend from high school that wrote two books and now teaches at St. Cloud State.

  9. Five and a half years ago, right before we moved from one church assignment to another, I was "let go" from my previous job of nearly five years because . . . well because they knew I was leaving anyway, and I made more money than anyone else. No hard feelings, tightening the belts, blah, blah, blah.

    I wasn't allowed to run around naked because practically before I got home my wife had promised the convenience store across the street from that I would most definitely start for them in a few days. She was giving me time to take a couple days and go visit my parents.

    Anyway, you seem to be adjusting well, whatever that means. You have your priorities straight, to be sure. I don't think you should close the door entirely on escort services, though. After all, hidden talents and all . . .

  10. Sounds like you're doing great, and I can't wait to hear about the book. So cool.

  11. My mistakes as a mother seem to stand-out more to my youngest (21). Sigh. After I've done for her. :-D I would NEVER say that to her, of course, since it's what my own mother brought me up on. And I've forgiven HER.

    Best to you and MathMan and the kiddos

  12. Awesome post, as usual. I can't wait to read your novel. I'm sure it's brilliant, honest and raw and well-written (or will be on second draft.

    And I can't tell you how refreshing your attitude about unemployment is. I love that you're taking this time to finish the novel, do escort screening, and enjoying taking care of the family details that would've normally been just one more thing.

    I kind of envy your poise under pressure :)

  13. All I know is, you write way better than S. Meyer. Whatever you come up with is worth reading. Mention all of us blog followers, or "built-in audience" in your package to agents. Are you in your state's writer's network? They could probably make the agent search easier for you. Also, as Pip says, "Happy day."

  14. Can I call "dibs" on being the voice in your Audio Book?

    [I'm currently channeling "Selma" from Night Court...]

  15. Maybe yesterday was a gift. that's all I've got.

  16. That Chloe is such a smart cookie like her mom (and dad). I know just what she meant.


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