Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Post of Many Colors


Well, the institutionalized TMI Thursday may be over, but I know you guys.  You're expecting something, aren't you?  Because you never believe anything I say anyway.  You smart people you.

Well, I've got nothing.  Well, maybe not nothing.  But I've very little.  MathMan and I overslept this morning, but not because we were swinging from the ceiling fan.  No, it was just such good sleeping weather and I forgot to set my alarm and he turned his off and things were all snuggly and warm under the blankets....

I just used the word snuggly, didn't I?  I really need to start drinking again.

Well, I could tell you about how two of my darling poppits have been discussing getting rid of their V-Cards, but that would be terribly embarrassing to them if they had the misfortune to read this post.  Of course, Chloe, who has two more papers to write this week bloody well better not be reading blogs and fooling around on FB anyway.  I don't know where she gets her bad habits.  The tart.


And Nate, well, he's only fourteen.  He has no business knowing what a V Card is, much less having to explain it to his mother who thinks she's so hip and smart.  "Oh, yeah?  Well, do you know what a, a.......oh nevermind," I sputtered at him.  In the world in which we are raising these kids, what with Urban Dictionary and all, what would be the point?  I mean, this is the kid who had to explain to me what a Dirty Sanchez was, after all.  (If you don't know what that is, here's what the leading authorities have to say about it.)

And don't get me started about how since he's been joking (he better be joking!) about all this virginity business, MathMan and I have seriously amped up the Don't Do A Thing Without A Thing On Your Thing campaign.  Word has it that Nate is taking the campaign on as his own personal mission and spreading the word. Good thing, too.  Do you have any idea what those little Baptists get up to when their parents aren't looking?  Dang!

Okay, so now that I've moved into the insulting phase of this post, let me just say (once again) that I am forever amazed (don't know why at this point) by the sheer and revolting anti-intellectualism that so many Americans wear like a badge of honor.  It's enough to make me want to quit Facebook.

Haha. You say.  You're right.  How else would I get my moral superiority rocks off if I didn't expose myself to the damn dumbness of our fellow travelers?  Well, I suppose I could go out driving around here.  Holy shit, can the people here not drive.  They are completely flummoxed by a 4-way stop.  Not kidding.  They don't realize that two cars heading straight in opposite directions can go at the same time!  But who needs formal drivers education?  I mean, we wouldn't want our drivers to be all smarty pants elites or anything.

Okay, so maybe all of this is TMI, but not of the pooing, sex, let me tell you how my pee has no color now that I'm drinking 628 glasses of water a day.  But there's gotta be something here to work with.  No. Wait.  Better idea!  You tell me a TMI story.  Go on.  It's just me, the internets and fellow commenters.  I promise I won't even swipe any of it for my manuscript*.  You've got nothing to fear, but a loss of dignity.  And dignity is seriously overrated anyway.  Go on.  Tell us your TMI story.

Just like those boys said to me right before I walked into the boy's bathroom during 7th grade track practice......I dare you.....

*Unless it's really really good and then you and me?  We've never met.

15 comments:

  1. gawd, I wish I had something for you, really, I do.....

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  2. You're not crazy! Institutionalized!

    Will you take fake TMIs?

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  3. TMI.... hmmmm.....

    When JW's come to the door, I pretend to be gay and hot for just them.

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  4. well i am not a "share the TMI's" kind of guy but I will tell you a driving story.
    coming home tonight from, errr biblestudy that's it!, and the York Road has the big flashy arrrow telling even people on Mars MOVE TO THE LEFT LANE BALTIMORONS

    And I get to the stop light before the right lane dissappears and am pleased everyone is lining up behind me.
    People acting like humans. It was frackoing amazing.
    Then the car behind me pulled into the right hand lane that soon would be no more.
    So we have about 100 feet before he is S.O.L. as my dear sainted mother used to say and I was a little pissed off.
    And look over into his car.
    it is him and two CHILDREN and he is going to speed out of the lane just to gain 100 feet on me.
    And it pissed me off to no end.
    All I could think was "Buddy you lucky i am not an entire douchebag or I would run you right into those cones."
    Really his (I am assuming) kids.
    I was stunned

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  5. Ha!

    You think I'm gonna tell YOU a TMI story? "Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?," as Heather Chandler once said.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

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  6. I started taking these whole food vitamins and minerals and scared the shit out of myself when my pee was this deep green color.

    I mean, I actually stood there panicking and sweating in a bathroom stall at work, trying to figure out if there was anyone I knew well enough to come look at my pee.

    Good lord.

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  7. Don't Do A Thing Without A Thing On Your Thing campaign

    Now that's a mighty fine campaign to teach sons.

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  8. Maria, you think deep green pee is weird? The OTC diuretics I used to take turned mine blue, and I've heard of people taking meds that turned theirs purple.

    And, Lisa, for anything more TMI than that from me you're going to have to be psychic. Unless, of course, you really want to see the photos from my colonoscopy -- I'm perfectly willing to scan and email those to you.

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  9. My TMI is that I had no idea what a Dirty Sanchez OR a V-card was until I followed your link to the Urban Dictionary and read about them there. (Dirty Sanchez? Yuck.)

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  10. Oh, by the way, the old remedy for urinary tract infections, Gantricin, turned pee orange.

    Also? Eating beets make my pee red! Scared the crap out of me the first time. I hadn't eaten beets for about 3 centuries and then a friend of mine made them for us as part of dinner, and was I surprised later on!

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  11. I'm saving mine up for future x-rated versions of Adventure's Ink.

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  12. You already know most of my TMI stuff.

    Let's see...

    Gosh.

    Could it be that I have run out of horrifying things to share?

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  13. I like explaination #2 for vCard in the Urban dictionary!!

    I could tell you a TMI story, but then I'd have to kill ya!!

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