Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Unemployment Diary: So What's It Really Like

7:30 a.m. - Do high intensity run on elliptical. (20 minutes)
7:55 a.m. - Step on scale, curse quietly
8:00 a.m. - Carry breakfast upstairs on tray to watch more of the dvd I watched while dying on the elliptical
8:25 a.m. - Shower, shave legs (missing that same damn spot on my ankle again), give myself a haircut, apply make up, brush teeth to rid mouth of that awful coffee taste, apply signature red lipstick
8:45 a.m. - Don panties, bra.  Remember to weigh self (again)
8:46 a.m. - Get back on scale naked, curse loudly
8:46 1/2 a.m. - Pee
8:47 a.m. - Get back on scale more cursing!
8:47 1/2 a.m. - Grab scissors, trim a bit more off the back of my head
8:48 a.m. - Get back on scale, curse with more color and verbosity
8:49 a.m. Put back on panties, bra, add shorts
8:50 a.m. - Open Firefox, check jobs website, scratch something, drink glass of water
8:51 a.m. - Sigh with resignation.  Say something unpleasant about Republican policies.  Check other jobs website.  Consider move to DC or Chicago
8:53 a.m. - Check email, think about starting blog post, reject idea
9:00 a.m. - Shout at who ever is making that racket to stop, cats scatter
9:05 a.m. - Fetch horny kitten from the garage, empty trashcans, sort laundry, sweep laundry room, go upstairs for more laundry
9:24 a.m. - Forget what I'm upstairs to do, check Facebook to avoid stepping on scale again
9:27 a.m. -  Pee again, ignore scale
9:30 a.m. - Carry tray back to kitchen, get another glass of water, add ice
9:35 a.m. - Scoop litter boxes
9:38 a.m. - Remember that I didn't put the lid down on the washing machine, rectify situation
9:40 a.m. - Step on scale again, no cursing, this time - tears
9:45 a.m. - Read one chapter of Elizabeth Berg's new novel
9: 55 a.m. - Look for video on YouTube, post to Facebook
9:58 a.m. - Consider surfing porn, reject idea, open Word document containing manuscript
9:59 a.m. - Say to whatever disinterested cat who was licking itself loudly behind me, "Well, I've got one minute and then I will officially be a slattern if I don't put on a shirt."  I don't know what the difference between being a slattern and an "official" slattern is, but I assure you that I want to be official.

Still shirtless?


  1. I would suggest moving up your 8:46 1/2 pee time to earlier in the day. Must pee before way, that way there is less chance of the cursing at 7:55.

  2. I resemble this post, only I do mostly avoid the scale....ugh.

    Tell me how Berg's new book is when you get further.

  3. Don't weigh yourself more than once a day. Really.

    (I, alas, do not know from ellipticals.)

    Take it easy.

  4. You need to throw that damn scale in the garbage!

  5. What you need is a hobby, preferably a traditional hobby for writers - smoking, drinking, heavy drinking, bar fights and being arrested for disorderly conduct.

  6. Are you suggesting everyone be shirtless? Though I like POBOX's take on the subject.

  7. I do that with the scale too.

    At night, in the morning, after going potty. CURSING! :)

  8. I read that list. I'm tired now and am going back to bed until the pub opens.

  9. I've tried swearing off the scale... so now I just curse everytime I put on a piece of clothing that STILL doesn't "hang" off me.

    On the plus side, my Netflix Wii disc came. I'm pretty sure this means I now have enough "on demand" viewing to equal cable TV.


  10. Ditch the scale. It is not your friend. Go take one of the pussies for a walk instead. That ought to burn a few calories. Or not.

  11. other than the peeing and cursing our day did not have much in common!

    and yes i am dumb what is a "slattern"?

  12. I can relate to much of your day as an unemployed person. I check my 6 bookmarked job sites several times a day, like jobs are first come, first served.

    I also lt the dog in and out 540 times a day.

    I do now own a scale so I have to go to the gym to nurture that obsession. Fortunately that is the one area of my life that is going well.

  13. Don't you have one of those little knobs on your scale that you could 'accidentally' shift to the 5lb less spot? Then you'd feel so much better.


And then you say....

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