Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Brought to You By the "Miracle" of Modern Science

The cultural development of the children continues*....

Today's Musical Challenge, Marshall
Setting:  Inside Roxanne, the 1995 Toyota Celica, some nice Luigi Gatti is playing in the background as Nate and I make the trip to his new high school where he's on the summer baseball team (yay, Nate!)

Me:  This music is killing you, isn't it?
Nate:  It's almost as bad as the Adult Album Rock you forced me to listen to.
Me:  Don't end a sentence with a preposition.
Nate:  You cut me off.  Yesterday.  You forced me to listen to yesterday.  Can we listen to some of my music?
Me:  Sure.  Is it going to be women or men singing about sex, money and fame?
Nate:  Let's see what's on, shall we?
From the radio's speakers.  Eminem:  When you're not fucking grown men, listen too....
Me:  That's not music.
Nate:  You're not listening right.

THIS is not starving.  A little perspective, please
We're at the thin end of the month again.  You'd think I'd figure this out so this wouldn't happen, but it does.  We're out of milk, bread, eggs, meat, sugar, plain cream cheese, bagels and chocolate. One lonely apple sits in the fruit bowl.  It's seen better days.  So we're living on the pasta and tomato sauce I've hoarded, some leftover cereal (dry), and lots and lots of Ritz and Townhouse Crackers that were buy one/get one free a couple of months ago.  Thank you, modern American science, for preservatives.

Anyway, Chloe and I spent  approximately eight minutes discussing whether the low-fat garden vegetable cream cheese we were scraping from its plastic tub was more like a spread or a dip.  We finally settled on dip.  It's faboo on Townhouse Crackers in case you're wondering.

So after our dinner of  crackers and cream cheese in front of Golden Girls, I mentioned that I'd found tucked away into the stupidly high cabinet where I hide things an unopened box of Lucky Charms.  And thus dessert included the shoveling of dry sugary cereal into my mouth while watching Toddlers and Tiaras.  I did, of course, pick out those shamrock and rainbow-shaped marshmallows to save them for last.  My brain doesn't know it's done eating until I've had something sweet, you know.  Tonight I needed that little extra oomph delivered by those other-worldly-colored hard marshmallows to switch off my hunger.

Be that as it may, the star attraction was the show.  Oh my gawd, people spray tan their kids?  And give them false tooth covers and hair pieces? And I thought I saw some freaky stuff on fetish websites.  Not even in the balllpark, my friends.  Tonight's episode featured a little red-haired girl who was adorable with porcelain skin and gorgeous wavy locks.  Her mother covered up her little girl teeth with a toothy set of falsies and had her beautiful, milky skin sprayed tan.  Even her face.  The results were sadly hilarious.  We elevated the moment in our own living room....

Chloe:  I want to adopt a little red-headed kid when I'm older.
Me:  You know if you adopt one, you have to keep it.
Chloe:  Okay, I want to find a friend who has red-headed kids who I can spoil.
Me:  That's a bit odd, you know.
Chloe:  Do you want to be called Grandma?
Me:  I didn't mean odd in a bad way.

I understand that sometime this evening Sophie sent MathMan a text reading "Food, food, food."

I suggested that maybe it's time to cancel the cellphone service and satellite t.v. so we can buy food, food, food.  That suggestion was vetoed as they dug into some left-over baked penne.

Yeah, thought so......

*Some of this may or may not be true.  I'll let you smarties decide.


  1. That show is like a car wreck or train derailment, you just cannot turn away.

  2. You sound like me lately - scrounging for food in the cupboards. Your conversations with Nate and Chloe are hilarious, whether true or not! ;-)

    I haven't seen that show but think it's terrible when people doll up little girls as if they were beauty queens. Reminds me of that poor kid that was killed out in Boulder whose name is now escaping me.

  3. A dip? Even the soft cream cheese breaks up non-pretzel items. Believe me, I've scarfed down enough to know. I think you're a dirty, dirty liar.

    As for choosing between technology and eats, do what I do, and combine them. You'd be surprised just how much roughage is in a series of microchips!

  4. Nate's music is not music. I said so, so there.

  5. Gah! I couldn't look away from those hideous clips of children being manipulated by sicko parents into wearing flippers, etc.. How is this legal??

    Um... I didn't believe some of your post, by the way. Still, I was giggling at your well-written, fictional misery. You do humor so well, Lisa. :)

  6. As a red haired adult who was a red haired child once upon a time, may I just say, for the record, that I applaud Chloe's decision to adopt one of my genetic cohort. As long as she promises never, ever, ever to spray a tan on said child, or otherwise manipulate his or her physiognomy except for braces.

    Said parents are awful people. You are teaching your children correctly when you point that out.

  7. Those toddler beauty shows are creepy with a capital C.
    We DID cancel the cable so we could buy food.

  8. Oh, Chloe makes me laugh.

    I'd trade TV for food in a second. The cell phone would be a lot harder.

  9. That show is just disturbing in so many ways.

    Meanwhile, I hope you've been invited to a few holiday cookouts this weekend.

  10. Oh you sound JUST like me with trying to figure out what to eat. Spaghetti and tuna have never made love in so many different ways in my house. I think I could write a cook book just on spaghetti and tuna :)

  11. Loved the chat with Nate. To my way of thinking, music seased to be music in the late seventies, mostly.


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