Okay, so I'm trying really hard to keep my language clean. If anyone comes here, I don't want them to think my vocabulary is limited to two words - shit and fuck. I guess it's my mother's influence. I know I've told you any number of times that she used to shame me for cursing by saying something clever like "You only use those words because you're not intelligent enough to come up with something else."
Damn you, Mother, for being right. I'm a dolt. That's why you forced me to go to college.
Oh. I'm sorry you had to see that. Some issues remain unresolved.
Anyway, I woke up this morning in a bit of a state. I made the mistake of checking the news before I went to pee. Bad idea. Bad bad idea. And no, the news did not make me pee the bed. Sickos.
What the news did (after I went to relieve myself) was make me surly and discontented. I'll just be honest with you. I'm fucking tired of bad news. Some days I alternate between wanting to smack the shit out of my rightwing friends for being so fucking stupid - really? you like the ocean without the sheen of oil? Well listen, dumbasses, yours is the ideology that says the Market rules and therefore corporations should be able to do whatever the hell they want and fuck the rest of us.
And then there's all the bad news from my lefty friends. The Catholics are at it again, corporations are fucking things up, everything reeks of corruption, morons are picking on the gays, the media is acting the fool, and George Dubya, that sorry son of a bitch, raised his ridiculous drunken head and burped.
Sometimes it all makes me want to scream. Is there no refuge from the bad news? No? You mean it's true? If I want some teensy weensy peace of mind, I'm going to be forced to give up all media and sit on my fat ass and watch Lifetime Movie Channel?
I know, I know. I haven't completed a sentence in this post without either of those two words. But I'm getting to what happened this morning. It won't be worth the wait, but you're in too deep now, aren't you?
See, I became so surly and discontent that I lay on my aching back and scratched my non-existent balls and started reeling off a list of people, places and things that simply need to knock it off. For example:
Israel needs to knock it off.
The Catholics needs to knock it off.
Wait - no, all the organized religions need to knock it off.
Haters using terms like raghead need to knock it off.
People who get paid by taxes, but bitch about taxes need to knock it off.
Arizona needs to knock it off.
The people shooting each other in Chicago need to knock it off
The banks need to knock it off.
BP needs to knock it off.
Republicans need to knock it off.
Democrats need to knock it off.
Georgia needs to knock it off.
The media needs to knock it off
The Germans need to knock it off (I still bear a Holocaust grudge)
People holding grudges need to knock it off.
The people who make stupid ass comments about "Mexicans" need to knock it off.
Haters need to knock it off.
Racists need to knock it off.
The local public t.v. station needs to knock it off (I get it! You're going to hold Masterpiece Mystery hostage until I cough up my $25)
The guy who comes into the nice, quiet gym and turns on Fox News needs to knock it off.
The water company needs to knock it off.
Anyone using the phrase "off to......" on Facebook needs to knock it off.
Anyone using the phrase "jiggety jig" needs to knock it off.
The idiot texting harassing things to my daughter needs to knock it off.
The cats who keep coming in and using the litterboxes need to knock it off.
And I definitely need to knock it off. I need to stop saying knock it off.
You get the idea although I definitely went from the macro to the micro. Can we just have a moratorium on stupid shit and fucking up for a day? Just one day? A half day. The half where I'm sober. Despite what my family and an odd assortment of past lovers might say, I am not an unreasonable woman.
In light of the fact that the weekend has begun (even if the drinking hasn't), why not add to the list? I left many people, places and things off the list just for you. Why should I get to have all the fun?
I've got to go now. There's leftover beer sitting lonely in the fridge and no one around to drink it but me. Must not disappoint......
A bientot, bitches,
P.S. This post is not a result of PMS. I don't think.