Friday, June 4, 2010

It Has a Nice Beat and I Can Dance To It

Okay, so I'm trying really hard to keep my language clean.  If anyone comes here, I don't want them to think my vocabulary is limited to two words - shit and fuck.  I guess it's my mother's influence.  I know I've told you any number of times that she used to shame me for cursing by saying something clever like "You only use those words because you're not intelligent enough to come up with something else."

Damn you, Mother, for being right.  I'm a dolt.  That's why you forced me to go to college.

Oh.  I'm sorry you had to see that.  Some issues remain unresolved.

Anyway, I woke up this morning in a bit of a state.  I made the mistake of checking the news before I went to pee.  Bad idea.  Bad bad idea.  And no, the news did not make me pee the bed.  Sickos.

What the news did (after I went to relieve myself) was make me surly and discontented.  I'll just be honest with you.  I'm fucking tired of bad news.  Some days I alternate between wanting to smack the shit out of my rightwing friends for being so fucking stupid - really?  you like the ocean without the sheen of oil?  Well listen, dumbasses, yours is the ideology that says the Market rules and therefore corporations should be able to do whatever the hell they want and fuck the rest of us.

And then there's all the bad news from my lefty friends.  The Catholics are at it again, corporations are fucking things up, everything reeks of corruption, morons are picking on the gays, the media is acting the fool, and George Dubya, that sorry son of a bitch, raised his ridiculous drunken head and burped.

Sometimes it all makes me want to scream.  Is there no refuge from the bad news?  No?  You mean it's true?  If I want some teensy weensy peace of mind, I'm going to be forced to give up all media and sit on my fat ass and watch Lifetime Movie Channel?

Well, shit.

I know, I know.  I haven't completed a sentence in this post without either of those two words.  But I'm getting to what happened this morning. It won't be worth the wait, but you're in too deep now, aren't you?

See, I became so surly and discontent that I lay on my aching back and scratched my non-existent balls and started reeling off a list of people, places and things that simply need to knock it off. For example:

Israel needs to knock it off.
The Catholics needs to knock it off.
Wait - no, all the organized religions need to knock it off.
Haters using terms like raghead need to knock it off.
People who get paid by taxes, but bitch about taxes need to knock it off.
Arizona needs to knock it off.
The people shooting each other in Chicago need to knock it off
The banks need to knock it off.
BP needs to knock it off.
Republicans need to knock it off.
Democrats need to knock it off.
Georgia needs to knock it off.

The media needs to knock it off
The Germans need to knock it off (I still bear a Holocaust grudge)
People holding grudges need to knock it off.
The people who make stupid ass comments about "Mexicans" need to knock it off.
Haters need to knock it off.
Racists need to knock it off.
The local public t.v. station needs to knock it off (I get it! You're going to hold Masterpiece Mystery hostage until I cough up my $25)
The guy who comes into the nice, quiet gym and turns on Fox News needs to knock it off.
The water company needs to knock it off.
Anyone using the phrase "off to......" on Facebook needs to knock it off.
Anyone using the phrase "jiggety jig" needs to knock it off.
The idiot texting harassing things to my daughter needs to knock it off.
The cats who keep coming in and using the litterboxes need to knock it off.
And I definitely need to knock it off.  I need to stop saying knock it off.

You get the idea although I definitely went from the macro to the micro.  Can we just have a moratorium on stupid shit and fucking up for a day?  Just one day?  A half day.  The half where I'm sober.  Despite what my family and an odd assortment of past lovers might say, I am not an unreasonable woman.

In light of the fact that the weekend has begun (even if the drinking hasn't), why not add to the list?  I left many people, places and things off the list just for you.  Why should I get to have all the fun?

I've got to go now.  There's leftover beer sitting lonely in the fridge and no one around to drink it but me.  Must not disappoint......

A bientot, bitches,


P.S.  This post is not a result of PMS.  I don't think.


  1. Yo! That's what it's all about bitches. Right there. Fucking need to pay $25 dollars to get a PBS fridge magnet so I can find out the conclusion to Masterpiece. Shit.

    It's a pay as you go system. We could go with taxes and not have to tip but we can't stand the laziness. We'd see the show and the cluster fuck of production and we'd sit on our couches screaming, "Knock it off!"

  2. More importantly, you got beer over there, and it's lonely? Where you at, girl?

  3. A bientot, bitches....ha ha ha ha ha!

    You've pretty much covered everything on my list.

  4. Agreed on all of it. Particularly the people whose FB status updates say "off to.." Fuckers. Ok, off to put my kid to bed...

  5. I love your "knock it off". It works as advice, as a request, and as a command.

    Jody Weis, superintendent of Chicago PD, recently seemed to channel an old episode of "Hill Street Blues" and he talked about "the old days" when district commanders could go to local gang leaders and tell them "to knock it off".

  6. On right-wingers shooting off their mouths, yes, it would be nice. Actually, pretty much your whole list I would echo (except for the icky texting stalker; I would change that to the guy who tried to pick up my daughter from a pickup truck yesterday evening; if I could find that fucker, I'd knock something off, you bet your ass).

    As I told my wife years back when she complained about the presence of profanity on my bloggy-thingy, it can be far more satisfying, and drive home the point, if you call someone a fucking idiot, rather than just call them an idiot. So more, not less profanity.

  7. I'm with you Lisa, I am so sick and tired of the doom and gloom of bad news. Night before last they showed a pelican covered in oil and it showed it suffering. I busted down and cried. I am experiencing wild hate against politics, corporations and bad manners. Maybe because I am older and crabby and just don't want to deal with people's shit anymore.

    But it is the weekend...there is a slim bright side. Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts.

  8. Christians badmouthing...well...ANYONE...

    need to knock it off.

    I'm tired of my reputation being wrecked (as a follower) because you're an uniformed, judgmental tool.

    I can ruin my own reputation, thankyouverymuch.

  9. You need to knock it off. But don't forget to pick it up off the floor.

  10. **tosses Lisa a piece of chocolate and runs**

    Just in case.


  11. I am so right there with ya... As if I weren't depressed enough already....

    Not a result of PMS? So what. It's ok even if it was. It's nobody's business and it's a fine excuse if it is. So what? Fuck everybody and the horse they rode in on....... Ya dig?!

    I guess I'm pretty grouchy too . Thanks for letting me vent at your place.

  12. Frustration can bring on the language, and we've had plenty.

    This is a actual quote from my brother talking to his wife about his daughter in 1963:

    "Jesus Christ, Carol! Where the hell does Tracey pick up all thid god damn f*ck*ng language?!!?"

  13. Well, I looked into my crystal ball ... and things will be getting worse. Over population along with zealotry, idolatry, bigotry and ignorance seem to be our global future. And there won't be enough beer for everyone.

  14. You pretty much covered my list too. I wonder how we can get the NYT to put yours on the front page?

  15. Well, shit, Lisa, I was just about to tell all my Mexicans on facebook bout how I'm off to read that rhyme about buying a fat pig, home again, home again, jiggedy jig, but now I feel too awkward to share that little gem of news. Srsly, I did not know "off to" was annoying on fb. I will try to curtail it's usage.

    People who inquire about my pregnancy in a serious tone need to knock it off. What do they really want to know?

  16. Well, frankly, that was pretty clean. I could think of some harsher words than "knock it off!" As a newly minted South Carolina voter (hopefully for not much longer), I would love to kick the "raghead" guy in the teeth Tuesday -- at least symbolically, with my vote. But unfortunately I'm not voting in the Republican primary because, well, I don't swing that way. ;)

  17. Hahaha! I thought my dad was the only one who used the word "dolt"! Love it :-)

  18. Thanks, gang! Love these comments!

  19. Well shit Lisa~ it sure does seem like the effing shit is hitting the fan in every direction. There is a fine balance between *being in the know* on current events, and having some brain cells firing w critical thinking.

    BP would have us singing Don't worry/Be happy, as they assure us the latest theory is working...
    while at the same time the gusher cam is positioned up close to the top, rather than pulled back to show how much is seeping from the bottom.
    Plus I'm no math whiz, but if they increased the gush flow by 20% & are only collecting 10%, isn't that a net *failure*??

    As a distraction to the epic enviro-disaster of the century, I came to find out my Maytag dishwasher is a part of the 1.7 million being recalled. Oh boo hoo, what's the big effing deal?
    Well the recall is a result of 12 housefires their crappy machines were the source of the fire. I suppose someone with marketing finesse would put a positive spin on that-- saying their machines get your dishes REALLY dry.

    Do you detect some snark???

    So we are back to handwashing dishes till we can get this bitch of a machine that never did do a good job cleaning dishes outta here.
    Yea yea it's not the end of the world, but we both work full time & don't have much free time as a result. We've mastered the skill of handwashing dishes & want to move on.

    Consumer reports sez Maytag sucks.
    So Maytag should knock it off as well.

    But wait you want GOOD NEWS...
    ok the tax refund will cover the cost.


  20. I think you are totally reasonable. And everyone else needs to knock it the fuck off. So there.

  21. Sometimes you have to limit tv watching to fun non-news stuff and just avoid the news on the net. Sometimes. I try to read enough to know enough about what's going on that I know when to leave.

  22. I love you Lisa. Great post. You don't need to knock it off. Write on. xo

  23. What you said. All of it. I don't think I have the energy to add to the list, but you've covered the important stuff.

  24. I definitely monitor my daily news intake. You just have to, for mental health reasons!

    Your list made me laugh. Did you feel any better after your rant?


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