Friday, July 16, 2010

A Whiney Placeholder Updated and Expanded

Whoa, I did a hit and run on you this morning.  I thought about taking this post down, but that seems wrong since a few of you were kind enough to leave comments.  Thank you.  Instead I'm going to expand it because (1) There's more I wish to whine about and (2) There is no number two.  It's all about the whining and making you glad you're you and not me.  You sitting there all employed and paid up and thin. 

Oh, and it's about the titles.  I added titles because some website about how to blog better said to have subtitles to break up all the whacko text.



We Have Buckets and Bathtubs, We Can Make Do
It's true, I did wake at 3a.m. to worry about how were were going to pay the extra large water bill this month.  blah, blah, blah. I fretted it about that for a while and then I fell back to sleep and had a dream that ties to the next thing on my list.

Dreams of Mirena
(old) My weight has plateaued meanwhile I crave chocolate ice cream and broccoli. (begin upate)  As I mentioned to a friend the other day, I always spell broccoli wrong the first time I write or type it.  Brocolli.  Sounds more exotic.  It still needs butter.

So here's the dream sequence.  I dreamt that this weight and the strange cravings were a result of a pregnancy of which I'd gone unaware.  I swear to you, I am not pregnant in real life.  I would have felt the kid struggling by now.  So, please, don't worry.  Perhaps this whole pregnancy thing is symbolic of the nearly like giving birth experience of writing this manuscript. 

But here's the thing.  In my dream, I was pregnant, but didn't know it.  I went to the guy who looks up my vagina every five years, announces in a loud voice that I have a tilted uterus and then inserts my IUD while making jokes about the size of MathMan's penis in the form of offering to "cut the string on it (the IUD, not MM's cock)" if it's a problem.  Then I joke that he's making great leaps of assumptions about the fact that I'm even bothering to have sex with anyone these days.  We both chortle then we make a date for five years from then.

So I'm on the table, feet in stirrups, listening to some elevator version of a Nirvana song, and counting the dots on the drop ceiling when suddenly the doctor tells me to push and out pops this red, wrinkled, really pissed off little person.  And what do you know?  There's my fucking IUD planted right in that poor baby's forehead.  No wonder he's all annoyed and screaming.

That's when I woke up.  Well, actually, right before that, I said to the doctor "I thought that IUD felt funny when you put it in."

Then I woke up and groaned to MathMan about my back.  I was so ready to get busy bitching, I neglected to tell him about my dream.  Besides, I read somewhere that morning is when most people have heart attacks and why risk it?  I like MathMan.

Paging Doctor Freud (Pronounced the way Bill and Ted pronounced it during their Excellent Adventure)
This part still stands, but I'm rather miffed at the inelegant way I wrote here.  Alcoholism is no laughing matter, yo. I do think my drinking problem is getting worse and it concerns me that wine may or may not be considered an essential as we cut back our spending even further.  And wine is fucking impossible to find at the food pantry.  Plus there's no Trader Joes nearby so I can't even get two buck chuck.  I do like Alecto's suggestion of wine in a box.  At least that way, I won't feel so much like my departed mother-in-law.  Seriously, get me a some jugs of Gallo, cigarettes, a job in a library, and a penchant for computer solitaire and MathMan has married his mother.

Maybe I should have titled that section Winey.

Where I'm Going Is Nowhere Fast
Then:  Now I have to go.  I'm going to visit the Employment Office again.  Cough cough.
Now:  Okay, so I did this.  It was crowded.  Our community just recently lost 250 more jobs so the competition for the twenty-three jobs listed under our county have even more competition. Great.  Just great.  Eight of those jobs come under the agricultural heading and they want you to be able to climb a ladder.  Hell, I might be pregnant and not know it and I'm terrified of heights so those jobs are probably a long shot.

But at least now I know I have one week of benefits left.  One week for Congress to get its act together.  I don't care who is standing in whose way.  Just pull your shit together, folks, and get those checks into the hands of those people who aren't turning down jobs.  They can't fucking find the jobs.  I swear to Bristol Palin's engagement ring, I'm going to start posting the job postings here and let you guys see how much fun it is to try to find a job right now.

I came home and applied for three more jobs, including the one I got laid off from.  Just for laughs*.  Next on my agenda is the selling of books and other stuff, perhaps some plasma, and shaking down Chloe for more of her tip money.  Truth is - she's been contributing already while saving enough to pay her school fees.  It's the other two we should put to work in the fields.  They're not afraid of heights.  It's not like it's cool to sell them on ebay anymore.  Some dope ruined that for the rest of us a few years ago.  But hey - the cats. Surely, there's someone who wants to buy five cats slightly used.

I'm kidding about some of this, of course, so don't freak.  It's venting and amusing myself, hopefully you.  It's okay to laugh, you know.  If we don't find the humor in this, we may as well just quit now.  As for us, we're not considering a mass exodus yet.  Oh, there was one point yesterday when I thought you guys might be referring to The Goldens in the past tense, but that had more to do with the fact the some people around here are really, really loud and I was trying to work on my manuscript.  We all got over it.  They were banished and I started drinking earlier than usual.

Finally.

Cheer me up, people!  (You're still welcome to do this.)
And hey you, that guy who keeps emailing me about his sex life.  Stop it.  Didn't I tell you once that your situation reminded me way too much of a time when I was ready to tie my whole life to the railroad tracks and stand back to watch the splatter?  Why do you think it's clever to continue to send me your "stories?"  How on earth do you think that might cheer me up?  And yes, I'm being wildly passive aggressive by calling you out here, but sometimes it takes a sledgehammer.

(stet) Love,

Lisa

*Lie

26 comments:

  1. right up there with cheap coffee. you'll get used to it and you'll drink less because it will give you one whopper of a headache.

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  2. Damn. I'm sorry about those emails getting out.

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  3. Oh, hon, I'm sorry all this is happening to you. I feel your work woes -- my freelance clients are just dropping like flies (down to 2!), and I cannot count on unemployment insurance if they all disappear, so I spend a lot of my day reminding myself not to worry, to just breathe, and to believe it will all work out.

    Can you appeal to the water people about the leak?

    Can the older kids get babysitting work and contribute? (Yes, that sounds weird, but desperate times...)

    Don't worry. Just breathe. It will all work out.

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  4. But I thought you WANTED to know about my sex life!!

    (Now people might think I have one!)

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  5. I was going to make a smarmy comment about job in a box, but then I remembered that's pretty much all of them.

    Any nearby bodies of water you can steal from?

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  6. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and box o' wine is one of 'em. I long ago found Casara pinot grigio to be a good vessel for drowning my cheap-ass sorrows, and I don't care who knows it.

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  7. Those water guys think that they own the river.

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  8. I'm with you on the wine thing. Now that I've gone back to drinking as of last year - and I still am glad I did - I do think I need to cut back. My fave cheap libation is the pinot grigio that comes in a big 1.5 liter bottle for about 9 bucks at the Bottle King. It lasts a while and is still decent. As you can see I can't remember the name of it but if it's $9 you'll know. And it's from Italy even!

    Like you, I'm trying to lose weight, and I think the wine is standing in my way. Must find substitute for at least some days of the week...

    Hope unemployment is extended. I'm still on it as well but mine doesn't run out yet. I have to go to some job workshop thing in August down at Unemployment.

    Your dream is hilarious and yet horrifying to think about! That is definitely one of those dreams you wake up from in great relief to realize it's only a dream!

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  9. I only feel ashamed of myself for retiring because I'm lucky enough to be fairly sure there'll be enough pension money coming in to keep us housed and fed. This could be a mistaken assumption on our part but we're gonna do it anyway while we're still young enough to make ourselves useful and meet some new friends besides. Somebody suggested I volunteer at a hospital to which I answered, 'The next time I see the inside of a medical facility they'll have to carry me in on a stretcher.'

    I wish I could give you my job. It's been very well paid and not only would you ace the details but I'd love to sic you on a co-worker who has been there for 32 years, refuses to use the new systems and gets her jollies by harassing younger workers and encouraging racism. Unfortunately, it would be too long a commute for you but the good news is I did get to hire my replacement two years ago - a single mom with 2 kids and great skills. Just last week she got to hire her replacement - another single mom but this one is a bilingual woman from Chile who is a CPA. It was gratifying to see the look on the old girl's face :-)

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  10. I prefer the joint to the tasteful jelly glass of pinot grigio, and all my alki friends drink beer so I think you're safe slamming back the vino, even when it comes to calories. I hear it's good for the heart. Beer may be the staff of life, but vino has to be a close second. Cut out the frosty pebbles and it's a good tradeoff, don't you think?

    I occasionally go on the chocolate cake and ice cream diet. It works but you can't eat broccoli; that's cheating. It moves right through your system so fast you can't absorb any calories. And what chocolate cake worth the Betty Crocker name doesn't require the addition of 3 large eggs? There's your protein.

    I'm so fucking poor that aside from living in my garage and renting my house for the income, I still can't pay my medical bills, so I'm doing a reverse mortgage. Nothing looks spelled right today. Feel free to edit my comment.

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  11. I really do feel bad for you. I know you are blowing off steam and that is perfectly alright to do but I still feel guilty that I have a job and you don't. It's not fair :(

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  12. Alecto - I think that's next! More bang for the buck. We're already doing cheap coffee. I've even learned to like it without sugar.

    BMan! Silly, silly. You're not sending those to me. Check your sent messages.

    Meredith - I hate that for you, too. Yikes. Breathing helps. Chloe's tip money is boost, too. The Water Dept. didn't seem interested in waiving excessive fees. They thought they were being kind by alerting us to the leak.

    Tomcat - for all they know, your sex life is wild! Allow them to think it.

    Randall - we have the arsenic tainted creek with the run off from the coal ash spill. In a pinch!

    Sue J - yes, I'm beyond worrying about dignity and respectability. Thanks for the link you emailed me! Now I need to find something to give them that doesn't include the word fuck. Really, thank you.

    MathMan - And the arsenic-laced creek.

    Maui - I'm all about the hilarious dreams. And $9 bottles of wine. Giant. I'm on it! I'll toast to that extension.

    susan - you are cruel to wish me on a coworker. Don't you know I sing at my desk? I think you've earned your retirement and I hope that it will be relaxed when you want it and wild when you want that, too.

    Utah - You make me laugh. No edits necessary.

    Liberality - Thank you. And don't feel guilty. I know how hard you work. I mean it.

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  13. Late to the party again...

    Love the dream sequence, it is very Erasurehead.

    There's a story in there.

    Words are such a limited medium - no color, no action, no sound and fury, and yet that's all I have to offer you.

    Please keep writing: it's cheap and it fills the hours. I have to believe that for a talented writer such as yourself, there will be the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    Best regards,

    Tengrain

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  14. Lisa, I swear, sometimes I feel like you & I live parallel lives--like I'm reading my own thoughts. :)

    Money concerns, drinking wine concerns...I've been through all that in recent days. And here's what I think--sometime when you and Mathman are in the Chicago area, we need to all get together and drink wine (beer for Iwanski) together. *smiles* That way you and I won't feel like we're all alone in our alcoholism. *hee hee*

    Seriously, boxed wine. :) I've discovered the money-saving benefits of boxed wine very recently. Hell, I paid $12.99 for the equivalent of 6 bottles of wine--and that's in downtown Chicago! So I think that's pretty freakin' good. And the wine tastes pretty good, too. :)

    As far as money goes, I had a minor financial victory this week (a raise at work), and I hope you do very soon, too!! I know you're not a religious woman, but I will pray for you nonetheless. :) I'm confident that the Universe will provide--believe it!! :)

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  15. um, all I can say that hasn't already been said is that I, too, ALWAYS spell it brocolli the first time. what is up with that?

    also *hugs* and dude, you're a writer. drinking is mandatory.

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  16. Back when I had an IUD, I used to have a recurring dream about having a baby who was born clutching the device like a rosary. Intellectually I knew there was no way it was a possibility, but the dreams would still happen -- and, I swear, the sound track to the dream was always Leonard Cohen songs.

    Of course, it probably didn't help that when I had the device inserted our family doctor had done so few of them that he literally had to have his nurse reading the directions to him as he put it in. Not exactly a confidence builder. . .

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  17. Congress & the notion the unemployed are living the life of luxury on unemployment.
    Once our Guv tried living on a food stamp allotment for 2 weeks (not even a month when the money runs out before the month does!
    It was a stark reality check.
    When our main breadwinner lost his job last year, all the other programs- like food stamps & even retraining programs-- the "vast sums" of unemployment money disqualified him from being able to participate.

    So maybe you can get other benefits if these fall through.
    When the husband's company folded in bankruptcy, all 1200 employees landed in the job seeking realms all at once. It was like a freaking company reunion in the employment office.

    In our skimpy classified ads it seemed they were only looking for nurses & truckers.
    Along with those bullshit earn up to $3500 a week ads we all know don't exist.

    My friend started up her own business.... with a clever name---
    Call Girl.
    She rented herself out to do errands, chores, odd jobs- painting, pet sitting etc. Not a get rich quick scheme... but it gave her some cash flow & then there was word of mouth.

    The only businesses rolling in the dough now are Goldman Sachs profiting on the backs of the homeless & the medical industry.

    So did I just recommend you become a Call Girl?

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  18. There's some much goodness in this post it's hard to pick one thing. I will say that your comment to the person telling you their sex life was great. Railroad tracks... splatter... I might have to use that one. I would give you credit, or course. :)

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  19. Do rant away. You have every right to. Know that we are all thinking of you and commiserating. I think I will go stark raving mad at least once a week now. I want to move out of this damn meadow so bad it hurts sometimes. I'm sick of being poor and sick of being stuck in mud. I worry about drinking too much too. Dieting? you must be kidding me. You are doing well to stay in place. Take it one moment at a time, divert your attention when you need to ( I play computer games ad nauseum some times) and sleep!Try to do one or two progressive things a day toward some goal. Best I can do. If you do church, cling to it.

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  20. I love this post.

    It made me laugh, all while being emotive. It's these rants that make me feel like I'm sitting across the kitchen table from you, sharing a box of wine.

    I'm beginning to think Utah's form of recreation is more cost effective, but there's that whole munchie thing! ;)

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  21. Oh and by the way, I'm with Tengrain. Someone as gifted as you will succeed.

    It's a given, so don't ever doubt it.

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  22. I would feel stupid trying to cheer you up.

    What idiot thing can I say to make you feel better?

    Your writing rocks and if life was fair someone would sign you to a book deal or at least pay you buckets of money for writing this blog. However, life is not fair and there isn't anything I can do about it.

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  23. Ten - Thank you. And you can show up anytime.

    Miss HP - I really want to come to Chicago to see you and Iwanski. We would have a blast. I'm convinced. Next wine purchase is in a box. And congratulations on a raise! That's great! And I know you deserve it and more.

    elissa - hugs right back to you! And I'm glad it's not just me and the brocolli bugaboo, I saw on Twitter about your story snag. I hope it's fixed!

    Nan - Oh my god! That's too funny! I'm calling you for the next dream sequence! Leonard Cohen!

    Fran - There are times when I wonder if there's a market for "seasoned" call girls. Surely there's a niche for overweight, aged, silver-haired, middling neurotic "companionship." Plus, I'm pretty good in the kitchen!

    Que - Thank you! Feel free to use that phrase! I'm all about the graphic lately.

    Sherry - Being poor I can imagine. The mud part? Screaming over the edge. Thanks for the good thoughts. I'm clinging to some shreds of hope, cheap wine and more chocolate ice cream than is my recommended daily allotment of calories.

    kkryno - It makes me so happy to make people laugh. Thanks for letting me know. I can totally see us hanging out and drinking "fancy" wine and cheap crackers. Move back to civilization!

    Thank you, ubermilf. Your comment elsewhere made me laugh!

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  24. Lisa, there is no one else I know who can come up with, "Seriously, get me a some jugs of Gallo, cigarettes, a job in a library, and a penchant for computer solitaire and MathMan has married his mother."

    Now, let me be the cunty cunt here, and tell you that there are many things I miss about drinking, but there is something about quitting that helped me feel serene through it all, like I am doing all I can do. I'm just saying, if it's gnawing at you... not that it is, then what's that saying?

    Oh fuck, if I can't have you (drama;), I'll be your annoying surrogate conscience in a comment box. I just love you, dear.

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  25. I sometimes read your blogs and feel we are the same person!
    I laughed to myself and thought, "To hell with the wine in a box, she should go get the new Wine Purse!"

    Have you seen it? It looks like a little purse but it has a spigot on the side...and holds a little box of wine in it! Now you can go for job interviews and have a glass of wine at the same time!

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