Friday, August 20, 2010

The Best Laid Plans of Mice, I Mean Cats and Men

Art imitates life. Or cats imitate art.  Or in a few months, we might have free kittens for good homes.

Yesterday I got my IUD removed which means MathMan and I must use a new method of birth control.  (Please note the copay for the elective surgery called vasectomy is and always has been out of our range of possibilities, so thanks for the suggestions, but no can do.) 

Considering our past inability to find and use effective methods not involving hormones, this should be fun.  We already have three "unplanned" children.  Unplanned does not equal unwanted (most of the time.)  We have living, breathing, food consuming, mess making evidence that neither coitus interruptus nor a wish and prayer - against, not for - are not, I repeat not, no matter what that guy told you in high school - effective methods of birth control.

And while all of our children were wanted and treated like happy little surprises until they pooped that first time, only one of them was a conscious decision.  On my part, that is.  MathMan just got dragged along for the ride.

Which would explain why, in anticipation of my IUD removal, he reminded me of my determined efforts to have a baby back when I was a silly young thing of twenty-five.  I'd stopped taking the pill because of weight gain and as a youngish married couple, we employed methods ranging from Russian Roulette to Hey, Nice Pearl Necklace! and when we were feeling responsible, condoms.  The Diaphragm and Spermicidal Jelly Incident proved both disastrous and traumatic.  MathMan didn't enjoy having a burning wang and I got woozy watching him standing in the shower trying to rinse out his third eye.  We were both such delicate creatures back then.  Parenthood would solve that.

We made that trip into the Carson Pirie Scott Baby Department where I saw those booties and next thing you know, I'm in Mom Training big time.  I started watching Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street on PBS, purchasing books on why midwives are superior to ob-gyns, quizzing my sister-in-law about her cesarean section and tossing around baby names.  MathMan knew trouble was brewing.  He just didn't realize how much trouble and how sinister it would be until it was too late.

So a couple of days ago, he thought it best to remind me of my past determination or folly, if you will.  "Listen, our anniversary is on Saturday.  Please remember what happened the last time you bit a hole in the condom on our anniversary."

Clever gods took their cue.  Chloe walked by our open bedroom door and glanced in.  "What?"  It's how she likes to open conversations these days.

I blinked at her and turned back to MathMan.  "I remember."

We've agreed that we will not tempt fate.  Abstinence, oral sex or butt sex it is.

Put your money on abstinence.

As if we needed our resolve reinforced, those same clever gods delivered this healthy dose of reality:

Nate went downstairs this morning to find Fiona the Not Exactly a Kitten Anymore standing outside the patio door staring back at him.

Oh.  Dear.

Listen, ever since I was that girl watching the city works guy on the cherry picker coaxing my kitten from the top of the electric pole, I've tried to have indoor cats only.  I can't take the stress of what if.  For weeks after that electric pole drama, I would not let that kitten out and when he did sneak out, I would search the streets, sobbing and calling for him before I would go inside to cry into my pillow and dream of horrible things happening to my precious.  So this kitten, who is yet unfixed because we haven't had the extra money to pay for her surgery, has been kept inside, forcibly maintaining her virtue even as she's been serenaded by the neighborhood Toms.

When the urge got to be too much, she'd bump and grind at our indoor male cats.  Since they no longer recognize the need, they responded with uncomfortable looks, searching for a quick escape from her mewling advances.

Last night she got out.  I believe she sneaked out while Chloe and her friend were coming or going. Thankfully, or maybe not, Fiona survived her nocturnal prowlings, but I doubt her virtue remains intact.  Upon her reentry into the house, all the other Pussies for Peace took defensive postures.  It was Crouching Tabby, Flattened Maine Coon Ear. Both male cats sniffed suspiciously around her backside. For her part, she acted a bit bored as she picked spider web from her whiskers.

Someone hissed.  It could have been me, but I think it was our alpha male tabby.

Bad Girl Fiona gave him a look.

"Hey, I offered.  You weren't interested, you eunuch," she said between bites of her food.  She was ravenous.



  1. I'll do his vasectomy cheap. In fact, I've give you $20 if you let me do it. I need the practice.

  2. God you make me laugh. My boys wrote a rap song for my 50th birthday and sent it to me while I was in Paris.

    Brilliant children: feel the beat...

    One time you told me that I was a mistake
    And that's a lot of shit for a kid to take
    As as you stopped there and thought of a word to revise
    You corrected yourself and said..."surprise'"
    But that's okay...I'm still here
    Things could be ain't a queer

    followed by laughter because he'd his best friends' dad recently came out.

    So you see how amazingly mentally well-balanced kids can be when they're unplanned? :)

    the last remaining diaphram user on earth

  3. Abstinence? You just made a 999,999 goopers weep with joy. Boehner was already crying.

  4. "... how much trouble and how sinister it would be until it was too late"

    I think you've written a perfect summation about having children.

    Ya know the difference between outdoor cats and teens? You can give cats away.

  5. There is so much good here. I absolutely love your writing style. It's hard to keep hitting home runs but you make it look easy. I really hope you take your writing pro one day.

  6. You bit a hole in a condom?

    Yes, probably abstinence. (Unless one of your kinks is mutual masturbation, hahaha.) It hardly seems of the points of marriage is not having to abstain. Be careful you don't wake up a Republican.

  7. You wouldn't want any surprises at this point in your lives I'm sure. And what's wrong with mutual masterbation? That can be a lot of fun too.

  8. Oh gosh; I needed a good laugh!

    I wish we lived closer--I've been thinking about another kitteh.


  9. You're such a fabulous writer!

    I 2nd the concern about waking up a Republican.

    How much is the copay for a vasectomy these days?

    I know, host a contest where everyone donates toward the vasectomy copay and the winner gets a kitten!

  10. I like Susan's idea best.

    or learn to love anal sex.

    hey--I can't do hormone BC either, so I have a copper IUD. Is that not an option for you? (not covered by insurance?) I had to spring for mine, but it sure beats the options..
    let's set up a little donation basket for your child prevention strategies...

  11. I remember numb telling me right after finishing his vasectomy, Dr. Rudy let out a mighty sneeze then looked over the drapes and said, 'I bet you're glad I didn't do that 5 minutes ago.'

    Kind as it is I'd advise forgoing Dr. Monkerstein's offer and accept the donations. Then you can go back to doing it any way you want.

  12. One more advantage to being a lesbian....

  13. You crack me up. I really hope you manage a reasonable BC method. I know I would not be nearly responsible enough to manage, now that i have writer's brain. and I KNOW the copay on the vasectomy is high, but not nearly the cost of a baby, yeah? might be worth a crap job someplace with good insurance to work it in (I know ours was paid when I was a public employee because we had a damn fine union... $25)

  14. Dr. MVM - when you're through with MathMan, will you operate on all these local Toms, too?

    Delana - Your kids are talented and funny! And that diaphragm thing was fated, as well. In high school I laughed a little too hard when one of my classmates made the sample diaphragm "talk" during sex ed.

    Randal - Boehner needs to dry up. Oh, and MathMan and I are genetically programmed to be liberals. We're safe.

    Will - Perhaps if I don't feed them, the teens will find another home, too?

    Que - Thank you so much for that. I'm working on it!

    D. - I did bite a hole in a condom. Low impulse control and all that.

    Liberality - Agreed on the mutual masturbation. I suppose we should try to be awake at the same time to make that happen.

    kkryno - I will drive the whole possible litter to Alaska if you like.

    MommyLisa - Thank you! I love your current bootylicious avatar!

    Susan Tiner - I like the way you think! And thank you for the kind words about my writing.

    Oh, and MathMan and I are genetically programmed to be liberals. We're safe.

    Christine - The doc is checking on a copper IUD for me. That might make for a reasonable alternative.

    susan - Poor Numb! I'm glad it turned out all right in the end. And yes, we're still accepting donations. If we can't afford to get MathMan fixed, perhaps we can at least get this cat fixed.

    Maria - You lucky in many, many ways.

  15. "Low-cost" vasectomy in Gainesville, FL.

  16. You crack me up! I hope the two of you come up with a FUN new method of birthcontrol.

    As a parent of a 14 year old, you cant PAY me enough money to 'do-it-all-over-again'. I will NEVER go back to car-seats, and diapers, and strollers and pacifiers!

  17. MathMan and I must use a new method of birth control.

    Try aspirin... hold one tablet firmly between your knees at all times. ;-)

    Abstinence, oral sex or butt sex it is.

    OIf you choose door number three, won't Mathman have a sore butt? ;-)

    PS. Never try to outsmart a cat.:-)

  18. Well, on the plus side, Fiona will have pretty kittens. She's beautiful. I hope you come up with a creative and failsafe way to celebrate your anniversary.

  19. "Or in a few months, we might have free kittens for good homes.

    Yesterday I got my IUD removed"

    This together made me smile.

  20. We had to have Chachi fixed because the Dr. wouldn't fix me. I was told that "Something might happen to the child I had and I might want to replace her."

    Seriously. I was REFUSED a tubal because I only had one kid.

    However, our insurance paid for the vasectomy. IN FULL.

    I had no idea how lucky we were!

    I think the donation button should be renamed to "birth control options".

  21. Vasectomy at Planned Parenthood. Check them out, at one time it was a small donation.

  22. This is all so incredibely well put, as usual. I don't know how you do it.

  23. Life with unruly teens in the house is a great form of birth control.

  24. Oh. sweetie. Forgive me. I have been a bad blog reader all of these many months. I do love your blog posts, and I'd damn Facebook to hell, except it's also been good to me. Anyway, you don't have to go into details and you can tell me to shut my GD-piehole, but why give up the IUD?

    I had a hussy cat in college that I tried to keep inside. I thought I was doing a good job of it until the day I came home from class, opened the front door, and a strange tom dashed out the door. Oops.

    $$ problems suck.


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