Thursday, August 19, 2010


It's tradition that I blog about my annual visit to the doctor to get checked under the hood, as MathMan likes to say.  I do this to show solidarity with my fellow females who also should be going for this slightly messy, slightly embarrassing and very important annual check up.  I also like to remind the males here that the whole turn your head and cough thing?  Cakewalk.

And we all have rectums so there's nothing to argue about there.

I'm a bit chagrined to tell you that I'm two months late with this annual visit and I still have it to look forward to on Monday.  Until then, I will just have to revel in the sweet anticipation of getting felt up, mashed, starved, finger-banged and sucked of my blood. That sounds like a fetish menu, doesn't it?

Here's some good news along the lines of credit where credit is due - I am now IUD free.  Once the insurance was sorted, the doc's office made an appointment right away et voila!  Today's visit wasn't with cute-boy doctor J with whom I normally visit.  This procedure was handled by the more seasoned Dr. Dubya.  Yeah.  I am convinced that there is not a single liberal doctor in this town so I'm stuck.  This is the practice where I once got into it with the front desk staff because she refused my request to turn down the volume or turn off the TV blaring Fox News.  I was the only patient in the waiting room at the time.

I'm certain that the choice of channels isn't so much to entertain or inform that patients.  It's a political statement.  But what's a chick to do?  Drive an hour plus to Atlanta to show her vagina to strangers?  Not unless I'm getting free drinks and big tips, my friends.

Even so, I try to be pleasant.  Our conversations go something like this:

Him staring into the abyss:  "So I see your uterus has dropped a little more."
Me:  "Really?  Wonderful.  I still can't afford the copay for surgery to have things removed and rejuvenated."
Him:  "Well, just try not to sneeze or cough too much.  Or laugh.  I guess I won't tell you anymore Obama jokes."
Me:  "Well there's the silver lining.  Tell me, though, if something does happen, will it look like a bowling ball falling out of me or what?"
Him:  "More like a tennis ball.  Smaller than that even."
Me:  "Fine.  I assume you'd like me to just tuck it back in and call for an appointment."
Him:   "Only after you've washed your hands."
Me:  "Well, of course, I'm not going to go stuffing my uterus back into my vagina with a pair of dirty paws."
Him:  "I meant you can wait until after you've washed your hands to call for an appointment."
Me:  "Why don't you go back to the Obama jokes."
Him:   "By the way, I like what you've done with the landscaping."
Me:  "Oh, I thought you'd like that."
Him:  "Yes, the landing strip is so 1998."
Me:  "Agreed.  And a nuisance to maintain."
Him:  "So how did you get it to look like that?"
Me:  "The Fox News logo?  There's a template for it on their website."
Him:  "You're kidding!"
Me:  "Yes, I'm kidding."


  1. The annual indignity. Reminds I need to make an appointment.

  2. You do realize that if a conservative chick type floats on by, she's going to try exactly that to please her Wall Street-besotted man.

  3. That is great! My wife doesn't have nearly as much fun at those visits.

    Or, at least she doesn't tell me about it.

  4. OH My Sweet lord. That is awesome.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  5. I don't think I'm due before December...

    "Free drinks and big tips." HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHhhaahahahahahahahahahah.

  6. I gotta go too. I hate that stuff but it's gotta be done.


    Hate the cold goop, hate the stirrups, hate the metal spreader thingy, hate the gaping maw feeling, hate the mascara brush scraper.

    And I have a liberal female gyno. She even has a goo-warmer...but still. Hate it.

    BUT, I'm glad to hear you are IUD-free. :)


  8. You pay a right wing gyno to check your lady junk? That must be a switch for him. Aren't right wingers usually the guys who like to pay to see that kind of thing?

  9. You crack me up. I had a time in my life I would indulge in an attractive manly doctor, but I've insisted on a woman for about 20 years now. Then again, I live somewhere with options. If I was still in my tiny town, I'd probably still be with the gracefully aging, once hot man doctor I had as a late teen.

  10. good for you Lisa for going regularly.
    and everyone who left a comment here to the tune of "oh yeah I should do mine soon" I have this to say

    I realize (or have been told as I dont has them lady parts) it aint fun but please go.

  11. I never really minded my annual visits. They were much more pleasant than dinner with my former Mother-In-Law, and I had to see her every week.

  12. I can only imagine that it is infinity worse than getting my prostate checked. At least it makes me feel lucky that I only have to get the prostate checked.

  13. Get a woman doctor. Keeps the uncomfortableness level down and--this is important--most women have smaller hands than men.

    And kudos for posting this. Good luck on Monday!

  14. Oh the annual. Hate it. But the good news is my mammograms take only half the time!!!

  15. paradise by the dashboard light, or not. context is everything.


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)