There's a Little Less of Me to Love

I used to sneak-eat my mom's Ayds candies.  Explains a lot.

My Weighty Battles Continue

I broke down and went back to taking the appetite suppressant Phentermine aka the "mean pill" under the supervision of my real doctor.  Not a weight loss clinics.  The upside is that it's a slightly higher dosage meaning Boy, does it work!  and it's mostly covered by insurance because it's considered prevention for that dreaded word obesity.  The downside is Boy, does it work!  Let me 'splain.

The medication makes me not hungry.  Not just not hungry, but not cravey.  As in I'm not sitting around plotting my next hit of sugar. I'm not hiding pints of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food behind a stack of frozen vegetable bags.  I'm not stowing plain M&Ms in my underwear drawer like a deranged, chocolate-craving squirrel nor am I hoarding baguettes and croissants like tomorrow all the wheat in the world will disappear forever.

For someone toting around way too many pounds, this is a good thing this not being hungry or craving junk.  I promised my self this time that I would do this the right way.  That means I must train my taste buds to appreciate or at least not be repulsed by the things that are good for me.  So far, it's working.  Mostly. I'm eating more of what I should be eating, less of what I shouldn't. And I'm exercising.  With regularity.

The result is a loss of 15 pounds so far. I weigh less than I have in four years.  I'm wearing clothes I haven't worn in three years.  I'm not sure how that math works, but I guess my body shape has changed.  Or maybe I looked like a stuffed sausage three years ago as I crammed my body into the clothes that now fit me nicely. I'm too afraid to look at my flickr account to confirm this.

I've become obnoxious about the weight loss.  Thank goodness I don't have any friends around here.  They'd be shunning me by now and saying ugly things about me behind my back in Facebook chats.  Lucky MathMan gets the pleasure of my company and is treated to my hourly fitness updates.  That's why he gets paid the big bucks.

I wake up in the morning and run my hand over my tummy.  "Dude!  Feel this.  There's less there!"

He reaches over to feel because 1. He's a nice guy who is encouraging me all the way on this new lifestyle and 2. If he gets his hand on my tummy, it might just make its way to the neighbors up north or the neighbor down south.

I squirm away just as his hand makes contact because I'm ticklish.  "Wait!  I'll show you!"  I jump out of bed and give him the full frontal.  Juggle my shrinking boobs and then make a muscle to show how my batwings are toning up.

I turn around.  Do a Vanna White hand sweep along my less dimpled thighs.  "Does my butt look smaller?  And how about this?" I squeeze my shrinking love handles.  "And look!  If I put on a bra, you can't see so much back fat!"  I point over my shoulder showing where the dreaded back fat would be.

"That's great, honey," he yawns and puts on his glasses.

I dash away to the bathroom to go wee and do my morning weigh in before anything, not even a drop of water, passes my lips. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I still flinch when I see myself wearing nothing but panties, but I'm happy to note that my waist now goes in instead of out.  For every muffin I've given up, my muffin top has shrunk by one tenth of one centimeter.

It's a definite improvement.

I track my meals and exercise in Sparkpeople so I am aware of how many calories are going in and out.  I'm paying attention to fiber, protein, fat, and carb counts.  I repeat meals because I get tired of putting the foods into the database system.  So what if I eat steel cut oats every morning?

I still have moments when I want something made mostly of refined sugar.  It's not the all consuming madness it used to be, but there are moments of sweets weakness.  I give in if there's something available.  However, a handful of M&Ms results in way fewer cellulite dimples than a giant bag of M&Ms does.  Sometimes when I feel the need to indulge in some emotional eating, I try to use positive reinforcement to redirect my thoughts.  I look in the mirror to see if my excess chinnery is shrinking or I'll take a peak at my thighs and marvel at how they've gotten less onerous.

It's a journey.  I have to remind myself.  As much as I want to be sipping green tea in Skinnyville right now, I'm pleased to at least be on the right road.  Now I need the birds to come along and snap up the breadcrumbs that lead back to Fat and Bad Habitsburg. I don't want to go back there.  As much as I want to blame heredity, I have to admit that nurture plays a large part, too.  People, you do not grow up with parents who put sugar and milk on top of Jello, and swan out into the world with healthy eating habits.

Exercise is another positive change.  I've been working out off and on for a while, but seeing few results.  Now I've ramped up my intensity to the point where I'm feeling it the next day.  I'm a litany of aches and pains.  I've even stepped out of my comfort zone.  Yesterday as MathMan and I entered the gym where I planned to do a few minutes on the elliptical before working my upper body with free weights, the trainer popper her head out of the classroom and suggested in a manner that meant no would not be an option, that I join the step aerobics class that was just getting under way.  I shot MathMan a pleading look and he just shrugged, the sadist.  Turns out, I really like step aerobics.

Like so many things in life, it's about balance.  Or rather about tipping the balance in favor of what's good for you and away from destructive behaviors.  As I sat in the doctor's office today and soaked in the praise for my progress during my first month on the plan, I realized that even though yesterday ended up being kind of a food FAIL, the Mounds bar and cup of black coffee I had for supper were not the end of the world.  Nor would they be my excuse for swinging by the grocery store for cat food and a box of Krispy Kremes like I might have done a month ago.

I came home, teased the cats by putting their food in the cabinet in slow motion then made myself some steel cut oats.

So what are you doing for yourself these days?