She says, Hey babe.....
Yesterday I ate two donuts. Cream-filled donuts. I couldn't make up my mind between buttercream filled or custard so I ate both. I put sugar in my coffee, too.
And the non-white girls go doo do doo do doo do do doo....
MathMan had the bad idea to buy a 50% off bag of Halloween candy. It makes me wonder if he doesn't like me with a little more pushin' for the cushion. Good thing the bag contained only Almond Joys and not Mounds, as well. I would have hated to tax myself trying to decide if I felt like a nut or not.
After yesterday's disgusting food festival, I moved the bag of candy out of my reach. I've spent today watching MathMan get exercise by walking back and forth between the bed and the bag of candy as he fetches tiny box of Milk Duds after tiny box of Milk Duds.
I said, Hey Joe.......
So it turns out I like writing sex scenes. Shocking, I know. This new book is at the 12,000 word mark and I've already got someone losing her virginity, a former boyfriend with a rapacious sexual appetite, and some married couple shower peeping.
I swear, this is not even erotica. I mean, I don't think it is. No, it's just me writing about how people really are. At least people in my experience. You'll have to take that for whatever it's worth.
Examples from just today: MathMan suggested that I give him a hummer for his upcoming birthday and in exchange he'll give me a pearl necklace. Somewhere deep in my Baptist DNA some part of me was disgusted. I couldn't be bothered to react except to scratch and throw him a look of disdain. It's Sunday, you sicko.
I've been trading thinly disguised sexual reference tweets with my old boyfriend Ethan.
My girlcrush Freida Bee is writing poetry and I'd pretend it's about me except my teeth are super straight.
My unfortunate clothing choice for this incredibly relaxed Sunday is a yoga top that's a bit too big now (yay!) and shows entirely too much of my cleavage. This causes MathMan to crash into things as he goes back and forth between the bed and the Milk Duds. It also causes the children to cover their eyes when they come into the bedroom where I sit tap tap tapping away on my laptop in an unmade bed.
This is kind of a good thing. I'm not in the mood to deal much with the kids today. They used up their Mom time on Friday as far as I'm concerned. I took Nate to get his learner's permit. Meanwhile, an indecisive Chloe was texting me as she tried to decide whether or not to go to Vanderbilt for a football game and girls' out weekend. At the same time, Sophia was texting me from the middle school nurse's office. She was dying apparently. Or dry heaving as she tried to fake puke because I told her she can't just text me when she feels sick. She has to go to the nurse's office and have her call me.
She missed the part about having the nurse call. Well, the nurse finally called later after Sophie vomited.
"I'm so sorry," I apologized that the nurse was having to deal with Sophie because by the time she'd finally actually gotten sick, MathMan and I were on our way to the courthouse for our bankruptcy hearing.
"Don't worry," the really nice nurse said. "She's got much better aim that most kids."
And now I'm writing this post because I really don't feel like driving Chloe back to school. Of course she decided to go to Vandy. And now I have to drive four hours round trip and I still haven't had a shower.
I said, Hey babe.....
The clue to how out of control things are? The unmade bed.
Doo do doo do do doo do doo do do doo....
How do you define decadent? Is it wrong to be thus on a Sunday?
"Losing virginity" sounds more like 1950 than 2010. I mean is anyone even born virginal?
ReplyDeleteAnd, I knew those big lug Hummer cars would eventually peter out. Just too public.
Mounds, Joy, pearls, necklaces, creamy donuts and Duds... Say, are you implying something here?
I am counting down to the birthday!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you've double posted.
ReplyDeleteI accidentally bought a volume of paranormal romance (3 writers, 1 name familiar, library sale; failed to notice blurb about vampires until that evening), and have been totally entertained (in the laughing self sick sense) by the first tale, which left no twist unanticipated. Including the psycho. I want to play poker with that deck.
And it's really too bad that paranormal romance will be played out by the time either of us finishes writing, because it practically requires steamy sex scenes.
It's too early in the day for Lou Reed.
Doesn't sound decadent, sounds wonderful! I nope no one tries to get between you and MM on the whole b'day present thing. My name's Paul and this is between y'all, as far as I'm concerned.
ReplyDeleteI hate to admit that when my Lisa parades around sans support undergarment in the morning, I am so distracted I can barely think. And she's a "C". So, I sympathize with your poor husband.
Finally, when the nurse told you about your daughter's aim, I would have responded (with quite a bit of truth), "Not at home she doesn't so she can stay right there until the puking passes."
Sex, candy and donuts. I am so glad I came here today. I can live vicariously. I can tell you that I envy the 12,000 words more than the Almond Joys( and I LOVE Almond joys).
ReplyDeletep.s. So what kind of pearls are you getting?
Congratulations on the 12,000 word mark!!
ReplyDeleteAnd great, now I want doughnuts and a pearl necklace!
I almost almost managed to have the cheapest flight to my mother's house in Florida for Thanksgiving have a two hour layover in Atlanta, dammit.
ReplyDeleteThe (straight, I think) woman I'm crushing on reminds me of you. They all do.
Other commenters: pearl necklace is euphemism for ejaculate on neck after oral sex. I don't get the sense that y'all all knew that before commenting.
ReplyDeleteLisa, this post had great subtle humor. If your sex scenes have a similar tone, they are way too classy to drop your novel down to "genre" rating.
(Did they not understand the hummer/pearl necklace bit?) (well, aside, from MathMan and Will, obvs)
ReplyDelete(and it's never too early for Lou Reed) (never)
I love writing sex scenes, and I don't wrote erotica or romance. But sex is part of most stories worth telling, no?
Congrats on the 12 G word count. :)
Decadent is good for sex and dessert, which is frequently the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI actually AM writing erotica, she said, on taking a break from it to check in on the blog. Trying my hand at a novella. We shall see. But now I'm in the mood for creamy donuts and jewelry.
Aw, look at MathMan, so eager for his b-day present.
I always support sugar over fake sweeteners, so don't even blink at sugar in coffee. And I don't know anyone who can't eat too much Halloween candy. It's in those friendly little bars and bags, just begging to be opened. And then it's gone in like two bites!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I bet you could make a lot of money writing erotica. Or love stories alluding to the sex. It's big business, isn't it? I mean, isn't Danielle Steel a kajillionaire? Sure, you might be selling out a bit, but...
And the non-white girls go doo do doo do doo do do doo
ReplyDeleteSomewhere, Lou Reed is barfing.....
I love Freida Bee to dang you! She's hot and she's mine, mine I tell you, all mine.
ReplyDeleteWhat does it say about me that I got the hummer/pearl necklace references immediately?
ReplyDeleteha ha ha. okay - mathman sounds just like drama queen.
ReplyDeleteSunday I was making pancakes and he shot my cleavage a look and said, "You owuld be in trouble if Boo Boo wasn't here."
I shot him the look of disdain and said, "I have to teach Sunday School in 45 minutes."
Isn't that more cushion for the pushin????
ReplyDeleteAs for the cleavage, there is no such thing as too much cleavage, ask "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".
Examples from just today: MathMan suggested that I give him a hummer for his upcoming birthday and in exchange he'll give me a pearl necklace. Somewhere deep in my Baptist DNA some part of me was disgusted. I couldn't be bothered to react except to scratch and throw him a look of disdain. It's Sunday, you sicko.
ReplyDeleteShame on him. Those hummers are road hogs and they waste gasoline something awful!! ;-)
*giggles madly*
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, Lisa--it is so you--such a fabulous mix of decadence, self deprecation and wisdom... The Lou reed trickle through even makes it literary, i think... or maybe that's just me.
Lisa, you are too funny. That's all I'm going to say :-).
ReplyDeleteI love it--glad I stopped by. keep throwing in the sex scenes--it's always good for a book to have a normal amount of sex in it. hehe.
ReplyDeletedoo do doo do doo do do doo..
ReplyDeleteoh wait..i'm white. crap.
What would be unnatural for you would be writing a book and leaving the sex scenes out. The cool thing is your underlying sense of humor. Even the essential subject matter of this post could well have been a very depressing tale but you turn the tables on that condition with remarkable ease.
ReplyDeleteNow for one of my favorites that could describe something other than mainlining:
White light
White light going messin' up my brain
White light
Ooooh, white light it's gonna drive me insane
White heat
Ooooh, white heat, it tickle me down to my toes
White light
Ooooh, white light, I said now, goodness knows
Do it
Good Gawd Grrrl, how can you eat like that??? I put on three pounds over the weekend just by eating FOOD!
ReplyDelete;)
What is that incredibly delicious looking meal? If you mentioned it in the post I somehow missed it. It's 11:33pm here and I wish I had it in front of me right now!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI love the "And the non-white girls go doo do doo do doo do do doo....
ReplyDelete" That must be the remix. Hummer... Pearl necklace... Mathman becomes my hero more and more each day.
That does sound like and interesting weekend though. :)
Unmade bed! Scandalous!
ReplyDelete(Or decadent. I'm just sayin')
;)
You need to write the genre that combines humor and erotica. If there isn't one, you need to carve out that niche.
ReplyDelete