Tuesday, January 11, 2011

They say a snow year's a good year

Inspired ever so loosely by the wonderful, historical lighthouse keeper posts of Ranger Bob.

Covered Bridge Springs, Euharlee
January 11, 2011 or 1/11/11 or 11/1/11 or 6th of Sh'vat, 5771 on the Hebrew calender

We're nearing sunset of Snowbound Day 2 with overcast skies and temperatures that topped out at the thirty-six degree (F) mark. Tomorrow has already been cancelled. Yes.  The whole day. Cancelled. The Keeper and his wife have been drinking since 3:30p.m.

With characteristic bad timing, DISH Network finally gave up demanding their money and reduced us to the deadbeat channels made up mostly of shopping channels and the estrogen-driven variety:  Oxygen and Hallmark.  Were she with her family instead of snowbound in the sorority house at school, the Keeper's oldest child Chloe would be lying face down on the sofa staring blankly at a marathon of It's MY Wedding and I'll Be Dreadful If I Want To!  The rest of those trapped in domo with few televisual options are reacting with varying levels of frustration.

The Keeper, not really a TV watcher, is fucking around (you heard me) with iTunes and asking rhetorical questions like "How did Styx's Babe get into my Martinis in the Evening playlist?"

The Keeper's wife, only a teensy bit annoyed to miss her new TV boyfriend Dylan Ratigan, is alternately writing, reading Hector and The Search for Happiness and stomping around the house plucking wet clothing from the floor and ceiling fans and reminding the children to put their wet clothes in the laundry room when they come in from playing in the snow.

The children are keeping themselves busy with brief intervals of making nuisances of themselves.

Nathan, fearing for his testosterone levels, has vowed to stay away from television, opting instead to watch Seinfeld DVDs and whatever is free on Hulu.  In moments of pituitary security, he's also expanded his abilities in the kitchen, having mastered baking a cake and perfected his sloppy joe and pork chop recipes.  Please just don't spread that around.

The youngest child, Sophia, has been playing risky games of petulance as her boredom reaches peaks and valleys.  The Keeper and his wife are hoping that this is the 7th Grade Terrors come early.  Threats to cancel rather than postpone her birthday party have proven to be only minimally effective. She'll be introduced to the Buddy Sorrell method of child rearing if she doesn't change her ways quickly.  The Keeper's Wife doubts that Sophie will like that rap in the mouth.

Mealtimes have been chaotic and fraught with drama because the person who stockpiles provisions didn't fall for the dire predictions of bad weather, much to her chagrin.  Ignoring the meteorologists/domestic advisers throaty commands to get thee to the grocery, she scoffed at the morons standing in long lines with carts full of milk, bread and eggs and chose not to make the panicked trip for the essentials.

As a result, there is no vodka, half & half, rice or hamburger buns. And the family has learned that of the two choices (1) dry or (2) with kool-aid, cereal is best eaten dry.  MathMan swears that Cap'n Crunch goes great with beer, but since this is not Spring Break nor is it 1986, no one else is willing to test his hypothesis.

Besides, there's no Cap'n Crunch. There's Uncle Sam Cereal, Frosted Mini Wheats, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  All poor substitutes for the Cap'n and his corny, slice the roof of your mouth open, sugary goodness.

The cats are making themselves somewhat scarce, not sure if The Keeper's Wife's jokes about Kitty Casserole were actually jokes or not.  They don't realize that if things get truly dire, there's a frozen birthday cake and a bag of Bugles stashed away for the birthday party, but available in the case of emergency.  The birthday party reserve of frozen pizzas has dwindled from four to two, but not everyone in the house eats lentil soup so there's been the necessary concession to prevent the Keeper's Wife from beginning a sentence with "For fuck's sake, you're not hungry. You're bored...."  Because she is not preparing meals for people who are simply bored and out of sorts because their sleep schedule is in total disarray.

Meanwhile, The Keeper's Wife is reminded once again that nothing creates a craving for this or that like the inability to go out and fetch it.

It is now 6:45p.m. and the Keeper's Wife is wondering if the Department of Labor will deign to open their offices tomorrow since they have not done so for two days already this week.

Because worrying changes nothing, she may as well have another cocktail and see if The Keeper wants to end the day the same way it started:  rediscovering long forgotten, but pleasing ways to create warmth through friction.

How is your week going?  Have you skated on Peachtree? Sledded down the hill with no pants on? Tipped a snowman? Kissed a girl? Jumped the shark?

27 comments:

  1. I was able to work yesterday, since the Event didn't hit my town until around 4 pm. We had a minor stockpile in food, so there have been no issues on that front.

    We have, however, been eating due to boredom. School is canceled again tomorrow, but I have to work.

    I'm actually GLAD about the last part.

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  2. Oh my- what a tribute!

    Hang in there-- spring is right around the corner, with prospects good for a relief boat no later than mid-April.

    Perhaps we can get the Coast Guard to fly in an emergency supply of vodka and "Dick Van Dyke Show" DVDs before then.

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  3. Just broke my toe. Call me Grace ...

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  4. I think Georgia got our collection of snow so there's been no pantsless sledding but no cows for tipping either. However, when I called the office this morning to ask when we'd get hot water I was told there'd been an overnight gas leak and if anyone had lit a cigarette behind the building the explosion could have brought the place down. 'Okay', I said, 'but when can I take a shower?'

    We need to keep things in perspective, don't we?

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  5. Love the new format, Lisa. Toothsome writing, too, girl.
    G

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  6. Good grief! It sounds like the entire country is in a mashup of "The Day After Tomorrow" with "The Day of the Jackal"!! WTF I can't leave you people alone for a week without the whole thing coming apart at the seams??

    :p just kidding. Sorry to hear about the cabin fever and all. Now you know why Scandinavians love their Aquavit. Can we figure out a way to throw the crazys in the snowbank and get on with the important stuff?

    Wish I had a rescue plan. Hang in there.

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  7. because i spent my weekend banging away on my manuscript (instead of my husband, poor him), i had TWO columns due today (actually one was due yesterday and the other last friday, but my editors work with me when i beg). we had a snow day and said husband was out of the house before the rest of us were awake. the rest of us being me, a six year old and a two year old. i spent the morning trying to write with the two year old telling me, "turn off laptop, mommy" while trying to sit on my lap as i typed and the six year old asking for something to eat/drink/do/watch/read/draw/play (i could go on here for at least six more verbs). by noon i was calling my husband and telling him he MUST come home and take over snow day duties as i HAD to report to my office. we're tag-teaming it again tomorrow as i'm sure there's another snow day on its way.

    your post always inspire me to write. thus my way-too-long comments.

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  8. Meanwhile, here in NYC we are supposed to get, I dunno, 8 to 12 inches. The people who live in New Jersey and Long Island are going to "work from home." But those of us who live in the city--well Manhattan--we are expected in. And for this we pay more rent.

    Hope the office opens soon and you get the right answer (i.e., here's your check).

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  9. For some reason this reminds me of the Bobbsey Twins story where they are marooned during a blizzard and make hot chocolate from melted snow and a Hershey bar. Yum.

    Hope you at least have coffee....

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  10. I hope never to jump the shark - but I can kiss a girl on my way to bed, and then be joined by her later...

    And I totally get the craving thing. I read yesterday about the REAL Chicago hot dog (tomato wedges, dill pickle, peppers, celery salt, etc.), which I can't have any time soon, and naturally I can think of nothing else.

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  11. Ohh being stranded with kids & cats pushes the limits.
    Figures the damned DoL offices are closed after demanding you see them in person (report to the office!).
    Loved the closing reference to friction & heat.
    Doing your part to conserve energy & all that, right?

    WE've had a cold snap here dropping into the 20's @ night... but skirted the edge of having freezing rain. You get weather bitching rights because I saw clips of your weather on the news...... yish!
    Maybe you need to google sun chants?

    I find myself saying can we just have our regularly scheduled rainforest rain back again?
    It may get sloppy, but at least it does not need to be scraped off the windshield.

    Hope the sun comes to the rescue soon!

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  12. So funny. My Hub is lactose intolerant - he puts orange juice on all his cereal.

    As the children only went back to school on January 10th, I'm praying for no snow days . . but I think winter may be gone round here - the rainy season has begun

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  13. "How is your week going? Have you skated on Peachtree? Sledded down the hill with no pants on? Tipped a snowman? Kissed a girl? Jumped the shark?"
    All in one week?? That's a pretty ambitious schedule. I did skate across Buford Hwy yesterday, but couldn't buy my Powerball ticket as the gas station was closed. May have to venture out further today.

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  14. Uncle Sam cereal? Seriously?

    Don't you own DVDs of every single English thing ever? You don't need DISH!

    Answers: comme çi, comme ça; I can't skate; I do everything pantsless; do snow cows count?; no; heyyyyyyyy.

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  15. No Cap'n Crunch, but at least you have Lucky Charms, which happen to be my all time favorite.

    But the no vodka? Damn, I would find a delivery service. ;-)

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  16. I had to snort at the Styx reference and beer on Captain Crunch... Oh, we came from the same generation... Love these little snowed in tales.

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  17. North Alabama here, getting cabin fever today also. Wondering if I should consider moving to far south Alabama or Florida!?!

    I can take a couple days, but looks like it might Friday at the earliest to get out. I miss my long walks with my dogs, so I've been eating too much also. Argh! (Maybe shouldn't have stocked up so much.)

    As a Southerner, I do not like this "trapped feeling!"

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  18. Okay, on the one hand another seriously wicked post, but on the other, you actually stopped me dead in my tracks this morning. I am in the middle of a huge revision of an ms I wrote last year about .... a lighthouse keeper! I never found the site you linked and am THRILLED. When I'm done this pass, I'm going over there and GORGING!
    Thanks, Lisa!
    B
    The Middle Ages

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  19. "How is your week going? Have you skated on Peachtree? Sledded down the hill with no pants on? Tipped a snowman? Kissed a girl? Jumped the shark?"


    Well, let's see. I have a wicked case of writers block, so other than laying around in my pajamas and watching informercials, I haven't accomplished very much.

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  20. Maybe you can talk the postman into bringing pizzas, milk and vodka, special delivery.

    Just promise him some birthday cake!

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  21. I have not been snowbound, but rather illness-bound. It's kind of the same thing, but you spend lots of time on your back, and there's nothing pretty outside to distract you.

    Well, we did at least get an inch or so. But most of it has melted.

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  22. God I remember snow days so vividly as a child, there is nothing like sitting in your pajamas all day and doing nothing. But I love how you describe the nothingness of it all, very beautifully written. Thank you.

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  23. love the pain and pleasure Cap'n Crunch brings.
    Good times kinda like dating in college
    or sumpin lol

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  24. A few years in the Pacific NW taught me that I am not made to live in snow. I was one of those people who had an overflowing pantry and freezer if there was even a whiff of a chance that it would snow because the first andonly time I tried to go down our rather sttep driveway my SUV turned sideways and slid to the bottom of the street before I could gain control...And we never made a snowman as large and perfect as yours!

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  25. no halfandhalfdrivers? so sad. how much can a gal take?

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  26. Glad at least you have access to cocktails. I thought with the lack of vodka there might be a shortage but it sounds as if you might have other resources at hand. I know in our house we could easily live on whatever is there for about a week without shopping at all. It's part of my hoarding mentality when I go shopping for groceries. "Hmmm, wonder if we need tuna fish? Oh well, can't have too many cans of tuna fish." Um, yes, you probably can. I sympathize with your boredom. I'm holed up in my house while it does a combination sleet/rain thing outside on top of the two feet of snow that is still there. Ugh. I hate winter.

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