Monday, February 14, 2011

Babe, I want you from the ground up

It probably won't surprise you that MathMan and I don't make a big deal out of Valentime's Day. No. I save that kind of romance for my new boyfriend* because we're in that exhilarating stage of new love when you just can't get enough of each other or keep your hands off the other.

That's not to say MathMan hasn't wooed me with his own endearing romantic overtures. He knows how to make me swoon without resorting to the trite. Any Tom, Dick or Hamid can get his valentine a card, a box of Russell Stovers, an armful of her favorite roses or a diamond necklace like the one advertised by Tiffany's in a full page color spread in Sunday's Atlanta Journal Constitution during a recession with near record unemployment. What? No love for the concentration of wealth at the very top where people buy Tiffany heart necklaces?  Philistines.

I am not speaking through gritted teeth.  Anyway, I was making a point about other, more creative ways to show one's affection and I'm not married to just any Ted, Doug or Henry with a credit card and lack of imagination. Heck no. I get text messages like this:

Dear Lisa,
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lookin' forward to seeing you.

Awwww. Or how about this one:

Dear Lisa,
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm writing to you 
While I take a poo.

Now, I ask you - what's not to love? This man thinks of me incessantly. After twenty-somanyIdon'tevenrememberanymore years together, he also knows the direct route to my heart not involving chocolate or pornographic images. Potty humor. I'm a fool for a well-delivered poo story, a cleverly crafted fart joke or a sight gag based on peeing and/or having to pee at the wrong time. Come to think of it, MathMan frequently texts me just that. I'm peeing. That's just so nice because I'm pleased to know he's staying hydrated during his busy days and it's always good to feel like I'm part of his day even when he's many miles away.

In return for his witty, near Hugh Grantesque romantically comedic texts, I'm showing my love for MathMan in ways unique to my role in this relationship. I made him this last night. And you know how much he loves me? Even though he detests cooked raisins, he didn't spit a single one out in my presence. In exchange, I didn't remind him that he needs to grow up and stop calling cooked raisins and cherry pie filling slimy.

Restraint is a form of affection in my book. As such, I'm assuming that his not mentioning that it appeared I was trying to murder him via bread and butter pudding and elevated cholesterol numbers as another obvious sign that our love continues to run true and deep. Like an underground river of bubbling lava.  Or moles.

While I'm on the subject of love, I must tell you that I got lucky with some blog love today. Tengrain, of the world famous Mock Paper Scissors, and the kiss heard round the blogosphere (I still haven't washed my lips two years later!) gave a link shout out to That's Why on the universally famous Crooks & Liars.

Imagine my surprise as I was drag assin' around this morning because I caught the crud from Sophie and as I sat round shouldered, glumly poking my mouse and thinking I should just go back to bed when I opened my statcounter and saw a huge leap in visitors and they weren't all looking for Nancy Pelosi's breasts or the weather lady's nipples. My seven day stats looked positively phallic. I perked right up at the sight of that. So thank you, Tengrain, for that link and the resulting graphic. May I ride them both. To fame and fortune.

I should take a moment and welcome new visitors, but they're all going to the previous post anyway. If you are new, welcome. Thank you for being here. Can I offer you some bread and butter pudding? It's fabulous and the raisins, soaked for hours in Grand Marnier, aren't the least bit slimy. When my husband gets home, we'll be having a poetry reading if you'd like to stick around.

I hope your Monday is starting your week off with a bang. You can take that however you want. Now I must scoot. I'm helping Sophie with her How To demonstration for her sixth grade language arts class. But before she can teach them, she's got to learn how to make a dirty martini, right?

Who's wooing you? What's wooing you? Who or what are you wooing? Have you kissed Tengrain? Do you ever use Woo Hoo on Facebook? Stop that. 

*I don't know what I love more - his overall performance or the flexibility of his hose.


  1. Grand Marnier?

    Raisins just got attractive again...

  2. Can I just say I love your husband's verse. It is remarkably similar to the little missives I have penned.

    Which frightens me no end.

  3. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    My texts are blog fodder for you.

  4. i got woo'ed by a book tonight
    joyce carol oates
    it's a memoir

    "The Widow's Story, A Memoir"

    (i didn't buy it, but i'm going to be thinking about it long after tonight's valentine hay roll)

  5. The roses are wilted
    The violets are dead
    My husband is tired
    Because I gave him head

  6. My innocent comment looks out of place here... but I'm wooing the same girl I've been wooing for over 32 years now. Everything old is new again - cause it never got old.

  7. "I'm writing to you
    While I take a poo."

    The poetry! Ah, the poetry! Plus poo!

    Happy Valentine's Day!

  8. You are hysterical, and yes, those texts are true verse :).

  9. Looking back, my 22 year old put his whole life on hold to go be with his grandpa in his final months. It really was one of the most loving things I've every witnessed. Grandma suddenly passed away & he came to our house & said he'd promised Grandma if anything happened to her, he would care of Grandpa. Gramps was already in a care facility, but not enough to just have him checked in without a dedicated family support person there for him. It was a huge deal - dropped out of college, quit 2 student jobs, moved out of the student co op... flew cross country to the midwest- "for however long it takes".
    At first we wondered where he would stay after the house was cleared, & how he would pull it off, but he had this leap of faith that everything would work out.
    Wow! Within a few months Grandpa passed away & he did not die alone. They had some precious time together, going through old photo albums, and my son asking Grandpa to tell stories about his life.
    Romantic love is grand, but this genuine caring & being there for someone in their time of need & the rough times. Really awesome.

  10. Lisa's a writer who's very smart
    Who shares o' her life each little part,
    Including that the way to her heart:
    To make a joke that includes a fart.

    Keeping it classy, you two! It's why we all come back time after time. XO

  11. Ain't love grand.

    Lisa, you are so funny and if you really do have a thing for toilet humour..........welcome to Britain.

  12. Who's wooing me? After this past weekend & yesterday, apparently no one.

    Who am I wooing? I started wooing my wife last Friday with flowers, Saturday with a romantic dinner that cost way too much.

    No, I have not, nor will I probably ever kiss Tengrain.

    I would never use WooHoo on Facebook.

    Now, one simple question Lisa. If you made the bread & butter pudding for MathMan, why would you even put raisins in it?

  13. well, at this point, I too would like to be wooed by a vacuum cleaner. My original garbage can find is now the garbage can. And before even buying I can find out these things about him:
    1. modèle de tube (hose model)
    2. avec ou sans sac (with or without a sac)
    3. niveau de bruit (level of noise)
    4. champ d'action (range of action...okay the width of his brush but I prefer the first)
    5. Capacité poussière (how much dirt he can handle)
    6. and whether or not he's hygiénique or rapide à vide (hygienic and and quick to empty)

    I think those are always good things to know before choosing who is going to woo me.

  14. D. - Yes. And those raisins were the better for it.
    Geoffrey - So poets and women named Lisa. I see a pattern.
    MathMan - Yes and thank goodness. How would I blog without you? I love you, honey.
    amyg - wooed by a book. I love the sound of that. I'm memoir grumpy at the moment.
    MommyLisa - I hope whatever he gave you wore you out, as well!
    Steve Emery - Happy Anniversary! I love the photos of your wedding.
    Lemon Gloria - And he's not a toddler. Imagine! Happy Valentine's Day to you, too.
    Hannah - Thanks! More like Re-verse. I love that man!
    Glasseye - That's not me, that's Drew!
    Fran - What a gorgeous story of selfless love. And yet, your son got something priceless in return, didn't he?
    Fantastic Forrest - Classy! That's us! XO
    Downith - I should probably have dual citizenshit at this point.
    MacDougal Street Baby - I could write for someone else, yes!
    Latka - Smart man. You bust me every time. But the raisins were in the recipe!
    Delana - You've just taken the vacuum/boyfriend to a whole new level. Well done, you! You deserve a reward for that!

  15. Ah, true love!

    At this moment I am being wooed by Mumford & Sons and by default my sweet husband who gave me the album on iTunes yesterday.

    I do feel inspired by the masterful poetry of MathMan to start composing Twitter poems for my beloved, though.

  16. I literally laughed out loud when I read the poo verse. Hilarious. That bread pudding looks awesome. My honey had to go away on Valentine's Day - he's still away, on business, in San Francisco no less. So Sunday night we had a romantic candlelight dinner in the kitchen with the stray dog we've somehow acquired who needs attention 24/7.

    Great news about your appearance on C&L! Well deserved linkage!

  17. Happy belated Valentines Day. Potty Humor. You must love Brit sitcoms.

  18. *snort* Oh the potty poetry is beautiful, but I have to say, I'm very glad HWMNBMOTI doesn't text me by peeing as texting takes two hands and he better be using at least one to aim (since I clean the bathroom and all) I suppose if he were elsewhere, I wouldn't object as much.

  19. I want to stick around for the poetry reading.

    I like what MathMan said about blog fodder :-)

    We're celebrating V day tonight -- dinner and a movie.

  20. I hope lots and lots of people come by from Crooks and Liars and that your ascent to the top of Famous Blog Journalists Mt. is swift and long-lasting. Hurray for Tengrain.

    It's good to have a boyfriend who's strong, energetic and has a proven ability to suck it up. The 30' long power cord will allow you much enjoyment in the furthest reaches of your travels but don't forget the ever witty and tender love of your life. A good Mathman is hard to find.

    Happy Day after :-)

  21. I haven't kissed Tengrain...

    ..but I did goose him a couple of times last year. Does that count?

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  23. I am glad you asked us about wooing and not weeing. I know how much you enjoy weeing comments. Let me oblige you: I am not peeing now. Or should I text you that?;-)

  24. No one, nothing, someone, no way he's a dirty hippie, what's Facebook, & no.

  25. Why, I'm just wooed everywhere I go, don't you know? ;-)

  26. Um, since no-one seems to be swooning over the graphic at the top of this post... think I could borrow that monkey for a little while?

  27. Hey girlie,
    I hope you all liked the bread and butter pudding. Was it comforting? Did you have some for breakfast?

    Tomorrow you can make MM black bean soup just to even things out. Love his blog fodder comment, btw.


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